Just Like Them
by twoquestionmarks
Summary: UNFINISHED: I've realised it's been 2 years since I updated and it's become painfully obvious that I'm just not going to be able to finish this story. I've tried to break out of the writer's block rut, but it hasn't worked. No time/motivation anymore. I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE THE STORY UP AS IT IS, UNFINISHED, INDEFINITELY, SO I WILL TAKE IT DOWN SOON. I'M SORRY. SEE PROFILE FOR MORE
1. Lecture rooms and busy parks

**Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer; "I feel infinite" is from The Perks of Being a Wallflower. 'A Partial Death' and the bit where Bella talks about leading a "factless" life are references to The Book of Disquiet by Fernando Pessoa.**

* * *

I walked into the lecture room a few minutes early for once and made my way to the front to get a handout. I grabbed one quickly and sat down at the end of the third row from the front. I started mechanically unpacking my things and getting ready for the lecture. When I picked up the handout, I realized I had grabbed two copies instead of one and, too lazy to return it to the pile at the front, I just put the extra copy on the seat next to me at the end of the row.

People had begun to take their seats around me, most sitting at the back with a few of the more eager students sitting at the front with me. The lecture started soon after. I had already covered some of this material, so I let my mind drift as the professor went over the introductory points.

I always liked lectures because they reminded me of going to the park. When it's busy and you're by yourself and you sit down on a bench and everyone talks and laughs around you. Then you can feel the crowd stripping you of your identity.

It's such a peaceful sensation. It creeps through every part of your body, each part forgetting slowly until there you sit: no one. That's when I feel anonymous, that's when "I feel infinite." And then when you look at some stranger who sits on the bench next to you, you see him as _Another_. He is _not me_. That alone is a very attractive quality. He doesn't know me. He only sees what my mouth, my eyes, my body tells him. And he takes all this in only through his own tainted eyes and the selective interpretations of his mind. I become _Another_ to him.

I can see this "me" in his eyes and I'll always like his version more than mine. Even if he has a poor opinion of me, his version is appealing in its simplicity, its almost**-**clarity. I can at least understand his version of me, like I can try to understand anything else external.

That probably didn't make sense (and is why I'd never attempt to explain it to anyone like him even if he did ask). But I liked feeling that way, like I was on the fringe instead of in the middle – it's both pleasant and a little sad. I got almost the same feeling here in the crowded lecture room, except that I did know some of the other students. But since almost all of them sat at the back, as long as I didn't turn around I could hold on to the sensation. Someone and no one at the same time.

I always thought of myself as leading a 'factless' life. The facts – my name, where I was from, what my CV looked like, how well I got along with my parents – these are inevitable, possessions accumulating over time and gathering dust on my shelves. They are just things that happen in between the moments when I truly felt alive. Those moments when I'd feel alone and independent, absorbed in my random, pointless thoughts and feelings. _I don't live for these moments; these moments __are my life._

My inner ramblings were interrupted by a male voice shoving me out of my daydream and back into reality. I had almost forgotten that I was supposed to be listening to a lecture right now… but then again forgetting was the whole point. Forgetting, escaping… whatever you want to call it… it's exactly what I wanted, what I craved.

"Do you mind?"

I tilted my face up just enough to see a hand holding the extra copy of the handout I had left on the seat next to me and, feeling the familiar panic invading, I mumbled out a quick "no" and dropped my head back down to my lap. It was fucking ridiculous how terrified I became every time someone unexpectedly spoke to me. I had learnt to push down the panic enough to be almost-comfortable when I was around my "friends" or when I knew someone was about to say something, but every now and then someone would catch me off-guard and I would forget all my careful training. My instinctive reaction was always the same: paralyzing fear.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the boy who had come in late sit down in an empty seat in the row in front of me. He sat one seat to the left so although I couldn't see his face, I could see more than the back of his head and his peculiarly messy reddish-brown hair. I could see him take out his pen and start looking for the right place on the handout. I normally would have looked away by now, sinking comfortably back into my daydreams, but his ink-stained fingers caught my attention and held it.

That was _new_. And more than a little disconcerting.

I wondered if he liked to write or if he just had a shitty pen that didn't work properly. I wondered if he had ever written something on his hand and then, in a class-induced haze, leaned the side of his head against it resulting in an imprint on his cheek of whatever had been written on his hand. That had happened to me on numerous occasions like that one night while studying on my bed, furiously highlighting some notes, when I had fallen asleep on top of them. In the morning, there were bright green smudges all over my cheek and they were ridiculously difficult to get out. I wondered if that had ever happened to him.

Probably not.

He looked just like the rest of them – _so put together_. Neat and Clean. Whole and Defined. Like he knew what he was doing, at least for now. Not like me.

I always felt … unsure and unstable… and my haphazard fashion style (if you could even call it that) certainly reflected that. I suppose I could have put more effort in. I could sacrifice thirty minutes of sleep every morning to do my hair and color co-ordinate my outfit. I could probably look like them if I tried hard enough. I could. But I never did. I'm not sure if it was because I was just too fucking lazy to give up my precious sleep, or if I was just convinced that it was pointless to try at this point. I felt like they could all see through my pathetic attempts to keep myself together anyway. God knows it felt like a lie to try to hide it.

Or maybe it just seemed too hopeful and hoping was so painful these days. Maybe I was just too much of a coward to let them know I was trying. At the same time, I was terrified that they might think I wasn't trying.

I know it doesn't make sense, but logic never helps me anyway. It just holds me more securely in my paralyzed state. My logic always runs in every direction and pulls me apart from the inside out.

Still… there were some things about him that were different - his messy hair, his ink-stained fingers. He wouldn't have caught my attention if he was just like them. Maybe he wasn't like them. Maybe he was like _me_. There's always a chance. Anything's possible. Right? _Yeah, right._

I scolded myself for being such an idiot. How many times did life have to teach me this lesson before it sunk in? My brain immediately recalled that quote from Nietzsche: "If something is to stay in the memory it must be burned in; only that which never ceases hurting stays in the memory." I couldn't help but shiver and shrink further into my seat. How much more pain would it take to kill that last shred of torturous hope?

These thoughts filled me with a sickening dread. I wished I could just disappear right now. I had thought about suicide before. Sure, lots of times. But would I ever go through with it? Of course not. _I'm too much of a coward for that._ People would know that I had actually killed myself… they'd _know_.

Also, if I were being honest with myself, I didn't want to die. I wanted to never have existed at all. I wanted some other student to be sitting in my seat right now, listening to my professor, making notes with my pen. If I died right now, it wouldn't erase all my mistakes, it wouldn't erase _me_. I would still leave behind the mess I had become. And it would be obvious everywhere you looked. Mess spattered on my lecture notes, on my clothes, in my dorm room, in my room back home. It would be everywhere. _Mess._

Coward that I am, I tried to run from my thoughts too. I tried desperately to return my attention to the professor but it was too late. I had zoned out for too long and what he was saying no longer made sense. _Fuck._ I had gotten up early so I could come and now it was a waste. I had screwed up yet again. _Perfect. Well done, Bella, you moron!_

I sighed quietly and rubbed my eyes in defeat. A big part of me was completely miserable right now. Well not just right now... for quite some time I guess.

But at the same time an equally dominant part of me just wanted to be miserable. I had earned it. I deserved it – in the good sense and the bad. In the bad sense, I felt like I had messed up so much that being happy would just be absurd – a non sequitur. It made so little sense for me to be happy right now that even if I was genuinely happy, it would feel like a lie. In the good sense, I also felt like I deserved it. I deserved to wallow in it a little, indulge my self-pity. Like almost everything in my life, it felt both good and bad at the same time. I never really understood how people could pick out just one word to describe how they were feeling at a certain time or about a certain thing. It always felt like I was feeling every emotion at once. Happy and sad – they were never opposites to me, but couples wandering hand in hand through my life. The real opposite for me was feeling everything and feeling nothing. Those numb moments… those were the ones I dreaded the most. When your heart is asleep and so cold, but your brain is wide awake and documenting every moment of it. _'A Partial Death_'. In those moments I would give anything to almost feel.

I sighed again and decided my best strategy right now was to just take notes. Just listen to the professor and copy down everything he said. Anything to stop my mind from wandering.


	2. Trailing

**Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. **

* * *

The lecture finally ended and I began to lazily gather up my things. I knew all the students would be crowded by the doors in their rush to get out, and I had no desire to attempt to manoeuvre my way through the herd. So I took my time.

When I finally started to make my way towards the door, there were only a few students left. I stood impatiently behind someone but stopped breathing when I lifted my head and was met with a head of reddish-brown – or I guess bronze? – hair. It was the late boy who had sat in front of me. I was staring at the back of his head and I couldn't help but notice just how ridiculously messy his hair was. Had he not brushed it this morning in his haste to get to the lecture on time? It was strangely comforting that his hair was a mess. Maybe he wasn't quite as put together as the rest of them.

We made our way out of the building and onto the street. I was still trailing behind him and my thoughts immediately drifted. I had to make the most of this. This was probably the closest I'd ever get to him. I started wondering what he was like. _What kind of books did he like to read? Did he turn down the corner to mark his place or did he have bookmarks? What kind of music did he hum and tap his foot along to? What did he do to cheer himself up when he was sad? Was he often sad? Or was he perky and happy all the time like all of them seemed to be? Was he smarter than me? Would he play stupid board games with me during those nights when I couldn't sleep?_

He had so much potential right now, with his messy hair and ink-stained fingers – now, before I talked to him or even got a proper look at him from the front – that my brain started conjuring ridiculous fantasies to torture me with. I saw us talking and becoming friends. Maybe even more than that some day. _Yeah, right._ Like he'd ever notice I existed. The only reason I wasn't too scared to trail behind him as all us students walked back to the center of town was because I knew I was invisible in the crowd. He was probably just like them anyway – I bet he liked hip hop and clubbing and getting drunk whenever he could.

The thought that he was just like the rest of them disgusted me so much that I deliberately slowed my pace, trying to put more distance between us – well, between me and his back. Just then a blonde girl nearly collided with me as she rushed past me. She put her hand on the boy's shoulder and grinned at him. "Edward, hey! I thought it was you."

I groaned internally. Of course he had a girlfriend. A picture-perfect girlfriend. Of course he had a life. I still hadn't seen his face properly, but I was sure he was just as gorgeous. They all were. They all looked air-brushed and clean and neat and paired together in pretty patterns.

I tried to focus on the silver-lining here, the fact that I had gotten incredibly lucky to learn his name – _Edward_. A nice name I decided. I liked names with 2 syllables. But I couldn't keep it up. It was oddly more depressing thinking about him being the same as anyone else I'd met in a while. I had let myself hope too much over those damn ink-stained fingers. My mood was going downhill fast and I didn't want to torture myself any more today. I'd continue with that tomorrow. So I let myself slow down even further, letting other students pass me. Soon, I was much farther behind them and I couldn't hear what they were saying anymore. Thank god. I didn't need any more information about him to depress me. And I sure as hell didn't want to watch her feel him up or make out with him or something.

When I got to the traffic light, I watched them cross as I waited for the next green light to give them more of a head-start. I felt really sad watching him walk away like that. I wondered if I'd ever spot him in the crowd again. And then I wondered if I wanted to. Surely the best thing was to just let him go about his life and forget about him. I didn't even know him. I wasn't stupid. I knew I was idealizing him in my head. A big part of me never wanted to talk to him. I didn't want to ruin the fantasy. Yes, forget. That was definitely best.

Out of sight, out of mind right? _Yeah, right._

My phone ringing in my pocket made me jump and a few of the other students around me threw me a few weird glances. _What?? _I wanted to scream at them. _Have you idiots never seen someone be startled by a sudden noise? Is it really so freaking weird?? _Of course I kept my mouth shut and my head down. _Coward._

"Hello." I didn't need to look at the caller ID to know it was either my mother, Renee, or my father, Charlie. I rarely got calls from anyone else. On the rare occasions my "friends" tried to get a hold of me, it was usually by text. And I preferred it that way. Less personal. It gave me more time to think, more time to come up with safe responses.

"Hi, sweety. How are you? Everything going well?" My mother always sounded so happy to hear from me ever since I went off to college. I know it's stupid, but every time I heard it in her voice, I was surprised. And inevitably, every time I would feel guilty over feeling surprised.

"Same as usual, mom. Things are pretty normal. Nothing new to report." I didn't mention exactly what "normal" entailed for me. I tried not to lie to my parents unless it was necessary.

"Any plans for tonight, honey?" Oh crap. _Okay, now it's necessary._

"Um… I think the plan is to go to dinner and then one of the parties tonight. Jessica, Lauren and the rest of the group, mom." That was technically true – Jessica, Lauren and their gang went partying almost every night. Of course, I knew she would assume I would go with them. That part was a lie. But it was necessary. No parent wants to realize their child is a total freak. They didn't need to know that and I would do what little I could to shield them from that hurt. _Not that it wasn't obvious._

"Oh, that's nice, honey. Have fun." She seemed to buy it. She usually did.

"Will do, mom. I have to go now though. I'll call you tomorrow all right?"

I liked to think I was a pretty good liar. Of course the fact that people didn't pay me enough attention to notice anything suspicious helped. But lying to my parents always made me feel guilty and I didn't like thinking about it. So I ended the conversation quickly and stuffed my phone back into my pocket. Then I started looking for something to distract me from my guilt.

Hmmm…

I tried thinking about a couple of different things – schoolwork, the book I was currently reading. But it was only sort of working. The guilt was still there, festering behind the scenes. Then my mind drifted to the late boy I had just practically stalked. Edward. My brain immediately started listing more questions about him I wanted to know the answers to.

Wow! I needed an escape and if nothing else this one was proving to be very effective.


	3. Regular and Irregular

**Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer, not me.  
**

* * *

The next few weeks were… interesting I guess. At least they were different, a welcome change from the monotony of my routine. I saw him regularly in the lecture room three days a week. I got a weird sense of satisfaction every time he chose to yet again sit at the front instead of the more popular back rows. I guess we were both taking two of the same classes which meant I got to be in the same lecture room as him for two hours every Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. It made me pathetically happy that I got to see him on a regular basis rather than get a random glimpse of him every now and again. It made me feel like perhaps he was a part of my life and I his. I was sure it meant nothing to him – if I didn't show up every Monday, what would it be to him? One less passer-by as he went along his way. I was the equivalent of a piece of barely familiar furniture, a building he passed every morning on his way, but it was… something. It meant something to me and I would enjoy it while it lasted.

Something I would never do again however was follow him when he started walking back to the dorms. Even though I wasn't technically following him – I was just walking back too, right? – it felt too much like I was stalking him. I knew I wasn't doing him any harm. He had no idea what the freaky girl who sat behind him was thinking. And if I was being honest, it wasn't really "him" I was obsessing over anyway. I didn't know him at all. He was just a convenient empty vessel for my fantasies.

I didn't want to become too obsessed with him, but I also didn't want to stop thinking about him. So I tried to find some middle ground. I would steal peeks at the back of his head and his fingers (which more often than not continued to be ink-stained, a fact that always put a ridiculous smirk on my face), but when the lecture ended I would dawdle and go to the bathroom before I left the building so that I wouldn't be tempted again like that first day. I had to draw the line somewhere.

That Monday, I walked in just as the professor started talking and glanced towards where he usually sat. He was there but… he was whispering to the person sitting next to him. It wasn't the girl from that first day, but it was obvious the blonde guy sitting next to him was his friend. I should not have been so shocked. Of course he had friends who wanted to sit with him – even at the front. I froze for a moment trying to decide whether I should still sit behind him. Did I really want to spend the entire lecture watching him be happy, laughing and joking with his friend and complaining about how much work the professors gave us like a perfectly normal student? I was just about to spin around and run away with my tail between my legs when I realized the professor was looking at me. I mumbled a "sorry" and took my seat lamely, keeping my head down and pretending to take notes. At least he and his friend stopped talking then and turned their full attention to the professor. I felt incredibly grateful that he wasn't going to torture me too much today.

Things slowly solidified into a semi-routine after that. I would sit behind him as usual and we would both quietly make notes on the lecture. Occasionally his friend would join him, but they never talked very much and when they did, I couldn't really make out their whispers. I never saw him on Thursdays and Fridays or on the weekend and most of the time it was really tough to keep the dream going until the following Monday.

I had long ago figured out what my problem was – I could rationalize away every good thing in my life. If someone was friendly towards me, I didn't need more than ten minutes to convince myself I had misinterpreted everything and they were just being polite or felt sorry for me. I was always surprised when someone remembered me – even when only a few weeks had passed since we had met. So by the end of each weekend, I usually managed to convince myself that I had imagined him altogether and that there would be no one sitting in front of me the following Monday.

But he was there every Monday, every Tuesday and every Wednesday. He never missed a single lecture and I was always immensely relieved to see him. I tried to stay positive Thursday through Sunday, but it was still hard sometimes.

One Friday, it was especially difficult to not let my brain lead me down that familiar, well-trodden path. I felt like I was slowly driving myself crazy. Looking for a distraction, I gathered my books and headed to the library. Professor Banner had given us an essay to do last week and we were supposed to get it to him by noon on Saturday. Most of the students had made a fuss about having things due on the weekend, but they should have known better. Weekends and public holidays don't mean much to the professors.

I got to the college library at about 5 pm. It was fairly empty – there was probably only about five of us. Not many people like spending their Fridays in the library. I sat down on one of the big empty tables in the middle. I liked being able to spread out all my textbooks and papers. After slowly taking all my stuff out and arranging it neatly in front of me, I finally tried to start writing the assignment. It was incredibly difficult and despite the fact that I had done most of the reading, I had no idea whether I was doing it correctly.

By 8 pm, I still had made no progress whatsoever and the library was completely empty now. I threw my pen down in utter frustration, ready to admit defeat, hiding my face in my hands. _Of course_ I couldn't write the essay. _I'm too damn stupid for this university._ I never knew what I was doing – why would it be any different in relation to my studies?

"Banner's essay?" An amused voice kicked me out of my self-deprecating thoughts before I could really get into them, and I jumped in my seat.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you." He sounded like he was trying to hold in his laughter.

_Then you shouldn't sneak up on people, moron. _I was annoyed with the entire universe right now, kicking me when I'm down – really? As if I wasn't doing a good enough job of that on my own.

I looked up at the universe's messenger, fully intending to take out my horrible day on him. Only in my head of course. I would never have the guts to do more than glare at him mildly in real life.

It was _him_. Late boy. Edward.

I had never gotten a good look at his face and I was completely devastated when that finally changed. He was good-looking, as predicted of course. I hadn't expected anything else and that wasn't a problem for me at all. I'd seen plenty of good-looking guys, but they were never very appealing to me, mainly because I'd also seen all of them drunk and throwing up somewhere. His obvious good looks were not the problem. They wouldn't torture me late at night. His deep green eyes would though. He was looking at me so intensely I was afraid he already knew all my pathetic little secrets. Worse still, even though he was obviously amused at my reaction, there was something else in his eyes. He looked tired. The kind of tired that sleep can't get rid of. Now _that_ – that look in his eyes would torture me for many nights. It was just another thing to add to his messy hair and ink-stained fingers.

Realizing he was probably waiting for me to say something, I pushed down the now familiar fear I felt when people unexpectedly spoke to me and mumbled "It's fine, don't worry about it." I immediately looked back down at my disastrous essay attempt. I saw him taking a seat opposite me from the corner of my eye.

"So, um… is it Banner's essay getting you down?" His voice sounded so smooth. No annoying accent. It was soothing and understanding, a lullaby voice. _Great_. Another thing to keep me up at night.

I desperately tried to decide whether I should play along and give the usual pre-approved responses to his questions or whether I should try to be honest. Play along. Definitely. That was much safer. Honesty would just confirm how much of a freak I was and bring the conversation to a screeching halt much faster. But if I lied to him and treated him like I did everyone else, then that would kill the fantasy that he was different, that I could have some kind of connection with him someday. That would hurt. A lot. And I had grown strangely dependent on the feeling I got when I stared at the back of his head during lectures. So I decided to try to steer a course somewhere between the two; to straddle the line between reality and fantasy. If I were really honest with myself, that was a very fitting choice. Hell, it was practically inevitable. It was exactly what I always did, in every part of my life.

"Um yeah, it's ridiculously difficult. I have no idea what the answer is." No need to tell him that wasn't the only reason I felt so frustrated tonight.

"I know what you mean. I've been trying to figure it out all day. Finally I gave up and called my brother."

"Oh?" I replied distractedly, trying to figure out how little eye-contact I could get away with and still appear mildly polite.

He seemed encouraged by my minimalist response because he carried on talking, the words spilling out in a rush.

"Yes, he took Banner's course last year. He said there's an article that Banner never puts on the reading list that covers exactly the same ground and basically spells out the answer for you. That's why I'm here; I'm desperate enough to give it a try. I'm just going to go see if I can find it, all right?"

I nodded and he walked away towards the stacks of books, looking for this miracle article. That left me alone, trying desperately to calm myself down and staring at his shoulder bag. I liked that it looked worn in. Really used.

Far too soon for my liking, he was back in his seat opposite me, skim reading the book he had retrieved.

"Found it. I'll let you know if it's helpful at all," he said, offering me a crooked smile. _Christ._ Even his smile was different from theirs.

I tried not to let the annoyance seep into my voice. "Good. Thanks," I offered in return, as he started reading and making notes while I tried desperately not to stare at him.

I was rereading the essay question for the fifteenth time when he finally spoke again.

"My brother was right. This explains everything. Here." He offered me the book and I took it from him with what I hoped was a grateful smile. It took a while for the article to start sinking in because I was too distracted by the fact that he had just been reading the same thing. That thought made me smile quietly. _How pathetic._

Edward misinterpreted my smile. "It helps, right?"

"Yes, it's great. Thanks so much." Of course I had no idea whether it was actually helpful or not at that point. Eventually the words started to make sense though and he was right. It was exactly what I needed to answer the question.

We sat there for the next hour and a half, writing our essays. Occasionally he would ask me about a particular point and we would discuss it. This was good. As long as he kept asking about the work I had no problem being quasi-confident and talking with him.

We finished at the same time and both started packing up our stuff. I hesitated, trying to think of an excuse to let him leave first so he wouldn't get a chance to ask me anything too personal I didn't want to answer, but it was too late for that. It would be completely rude, especially after he had just saved me by sharing that article. So I lamely packed up my stuff and followed him out of the building and into the cool night air.

"I'm Edward. I didn't get a chance to introduce myself earlier," he said, offering me his hand to shake.

I already knew that of course, but nodded along anyway. "Bella," I replied, shaking his hand as quickly as possible. His fingers were much warmer than mine and it felt really nice. I tried not to think about how long it had been since I had touched someone other than my family. I tried to keep my distance even from my "friends". The whole hugging thing just made me feel too uncomfortable.

"Nice to meet you, Bella. Are you heading back to your dorm room now? Where do you live?" He kept smiling crookedly at me. It was reassuring and it calmed my nerves enough so I could reply. We didn't live in the same building. His was closer to the library, but they were both in the same direction, so we started walking together.

"So, are you enjoying your time at Dartmouth?" After talking about where we lived, he had started going through the usual small talk questions. I tried to be as honest as possible in my responses without giving too much away.

"Classes are really interesting. It's much better than high school." I tried to keep him away from any questions about the social side of life at college.

"Yes, I'm really enjoying classes too, even though I find some of them more difficult than I would like. I've never had so much homework, though, and that can make balancing a social life really difficult."

"I'm sure it can." _I wouldn't know_.

Luckily, we reached his building quickly and he didn't get a chance to continue the interrogation. I turned to him immediately, ready to scurry back to my room. I had it all to myself so at least I was safe there. "Well, thanks again for the article, Edward. Goodnight."

He looked a little taken aback. "Of course. I'll see you around?"

It sounded more like a question than a goodbye. "Sure. Bye," I mumbled out and started walking away quickly. I tried really hard not to look back and for once, I succeeded.

After about a minute, I slowed down and started to make my way back to my room at a more leisurely pace with a small smile on my face. However, I hadn't been walking for more than two minutes before my brain got to work wiping that smile off my face.

What did I just do? _Am I freaking insane talking to him? He probably thinks I'm a total psycho now, following him out of the library like that and walking back with him to his room._

He had seemed friendly, but we had stayed safely within the boundaries of academic discussion only. He probably thought I was really rude for being so curt in my responses. _He did ask if he could see me around though… surely that meant…_ _No, he was just being polite. He's obviously a nice guy. He's not going to tell you he never wants to see you again to your face._

How was I supposed to react the next time I did see him around? Should I say hi or just go back to staring at the back of his head? Did he recognize me as the girl he sat in front of every week? Would he think I was stalking him? Would he complain to his friends about the freaky girl he can't seem to ditch?

Then another very disconcerting thought pushed its way to the forefront. Why did I care so much what he thought of me? I never cared what people thought. Okay, that was a bit of a lie I guess, but over the years I had taught myself to care much less and I was able to push away thoughts like the ones I had just been having fairly quickly and get back to whatever I was doing. But for some reason, I couldn't push them away this time. I really cared. When had that happened? I hoped, at the very least, that he was just the one exception to the rule and that he hadn't pushed me back to square one with everyone else as well. If I had to worry about their opinions of me on top of everything else too, I don't think I'd be able to hold on to what was left of my sanity for long.

I finally realized just how dangerous my obsession with him could be. It wouldn't just hurt at the end that he was just like them or that he didn't like me. It could completely unravel what little progress I had managed to make. I couldn't let that happen. By the time Monday came around, I easily managed to convince myself that he had just been nice because we had both been in the library at the same time and that he had probably completely forgotten who I was. I was sure that even if I continued to sit behind him he wouldn't recognize me.

The next Monday, however, he threw me a quick smile as he took his usual seat in front of me. I hoped he had turned around quickly enough to miss the look of pure panic and shock that had overtaken my features. It took me about twenty minutes just to get the fear in my stomach to calm down a little. This was the feeling I hated the most. That fear and doubt that likes to set up camp in your heart after it rearranges your insides.

By the time the lecture was coming to a close, I still had no idea what to do. Should I smile at him as I left? Or say something? I was completely terrified so I did the only thing I could. _Hide._

As soon as the lecture finished I flew from my seat and went to ask the professor a question. I pretended to be interested in the last point he had made (the only one I had actually heard) and he kept babbling long enough that by the time I turned to leave, the entire lecture room was empty. _Phew._

Of course, this was just a temporary solution. I was sure I could come up with many creative ways to ignore him. I was sure I wouldn't need to keep it up for very long before he lost interest and forgot about me. At the same time though, I really did want to keep talking to him. Maybe even get to know him a little. Was it possible that he'd ever want to be my friend? What if he didn't and I just kept humiliating myself over and over while he laughed about me behind my back? Or worse, what if we did become friends but I had to pretend around him too?

I had absolutely no idea what he was thinking. Then I realized how stupid I was being. He wasn't thinking anything. There was no way he was thinking about me or deciding whether he wanted to be friends. He was just being polite again this morning when he smiled at me. There was nothing for me to worry over because there was no way that he would do anything more than acknowledge me politely or make small talk when we happened to be in the same place. And surely I could handle that. I wasn't going to let him push me back into being that scared little girl, hiding from everyone. I would stay calm and treat him like everybody else. If he talked to me, I'd talk back. I wouldn't avoid him but neither would I seek him out.

That was my plan and I was going to stick to it.

**

* * *

A/N: Just want to warn anyone who made it past these first three chapters, that things develop slowly. This is my first fanfic and I want to take my time. I also hate love triangles/misunderstandings so I prefer to spend more time getting them together rather than getting them together quickly and then finding some way to break them up for a while.**

**Thank you to Jennifer for the kind review.**


	4. 1 step forward, 2 back and 1 to the side

**Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**

* * *

After coming to my decision yesterday, I felt slightly more confident as I got ready to leave my room for my morning lecture on Tuesday. I was even a little excited to see the back of his head – I mean him – again today. That is, until I passed the mirror. My anxious reflection held me paralyzed as my heart plummeted. It felt as if the entire building was crashing down around me while I stood there, staring at myself in the mirror.

All I could think about was that time when I was younger and I had made myself sit in front of the mirror for as long as it took to decide once and for all whether I was pretty or not. I don't know where I had gotten the idea to do it – probably from a book or movie. I'm not that creative. I was, however, naïve enough to think that _I_ could be the one to make the final decision on the matter. And I was stupid enough to think that I would only have to make the decision _once_. Of course, that's not how it works. I don't even remember what I decided that day so many years ago but I know it doesn't really matter.

People aren't just pretty or kind or anything forever. It changes. At least the good qualities do (the bad ones always seem to loiter). You have to make the decision every day over and over. Even if I was pretty back then … what was I now? What had I let myself become and was it too late to turn back?

I tried to decide again, right now. Was I pretty?

It was obvious that I had not been taking very good care of myself. It was obvious that I had stopped trying.

My skin looked splotchy. I had purple shadows weighing down my eyes and it made me look even paler than I really was. You could tell I wasn't wearing make up. There were still bits of me I liked though. My lips weren't pink and shiny with lip gloss but they were a nice shape, full.

My eyes were brown today. A few years ago, my mother had been filling out some form and she asked me what color my eyes were. I didn't take it well. "You don't even know what colormy eyes are?" I blurted out – my _mother_ didn't know?! "No, honey, I do it's just they change sometimes." Faced with my blank expression, she had explained that sometimes they looked almost hazel. Weird. She had laughed and said it was just further evidence of her theory. She thinks I'm really two people. One of them is talkative and interested in other people and what's going on around her. The other is quiet and detached and likes to stay in her room. I guess it's pretty obvious which one had become more dominant over the years.

My hair was brown and wavy. Well it was sort of wavy. Some of the strands were much curlier, others were straighter. It didn't have that consistent shiny look achievable with an appliance. It looked exactly as it should when you leave it to dry on its own. Oh well, at least I could walk in the rain and worry about protecting my books rather than my hair.

And it hung loose over my shoulders. I never even considered putting it up in a ponytail. It was far too convenient a hiding mechanism to give up. I really should cut it a little though and soon. I was just dreading sitting in that chair with the hairdresser awkwardly trying to make conversation with me. They always asked what college I went to. At the beginning I had told them the truth but now I lied every time. I was sick of admitting I went to an Ivy League college, sick of sitting there helplessly watching their demeanor change. Sometimes they would appear impressed and then – ugh – then they would look at me expectantly. Was I supposed to say something smart and witty now? Sometimes they would tell me stories of friends or siblings of theirs that had applied and been rejected. _Great, what the hell am I supposed to do with that information? _Did they want me to talk trash about my college or say something to prove I was just as normal and stupid as the rest of them and that getting in had been a fluke?

Maybe I just always read too much into it. I'm sure they didn't really care. They were probably just trying to make the time fly by faster. Still, the people getting their hair cut next to me always seemed to be having a wonderful time, chatting away and joking around. I couldn't help but think: my hairdresser doesn't like me. In my eyes they always looked at me expectantly – just waiting and expecting things from me - and I couldn't bear to see it. I was not good at dealing with people's expectations, let's just leave it at that. I know it's deranged. Most people are afraid of going to the doctor or the dentist and me? Well I'm afraid of going there too…

I used to have dreams about my entire family dying and a part of me would rejoice that I was free. Free from their expectations, free from their hopes for me. I could go about my life and the only person to disappoint would be me. Did that make me a horrible person? At the very least, it proved just how selfish I am. _Disgusting._

I sighed loudly and pinched the bridge of my nose with my fingers. This trail of thought was not helping me today. _Just make up your damn mind already!_ Should I try to make myself look slightly more presentable? Or just walk out right now?

Did Edward expect me to make an effort to improve my appearance? If I was suddenly wearing make up would he think I had done it just for him? I'm sure he was used to gorgeous confident women claiming his attention. The truth was that even if I spent weeks getting "pretty" I could never look anything like that blonde girl I had seen him talking to on the first day. It would just be pointless and humiliating. He would know I was trying, and that thought was terrifying.

Worse still, I would be admitting to myself that I wanted things to change. Hope had tortured me before. I was not eager to go there again. Maybe I could keep thinking about him and talking to him occasionally and as long as I didn't change my routine or my appearance, then it wouldn't really be trying or hoping. It would just be going with the flow. That's what I had decided to do yesterday wasn't it? Yes.

So I walked out.

Trying to make myself pretty for him would feel too much like a lie anyway. I was a mess inside. The way I looked should reflect that. It was only polite, only fair. A public disclaimer, a warning for all to see: _approach at your own risk._

As a result of my indecision this morning, I arrived late and tried to inconspicuously take my seat. I stubbornly kept my head down for the first 10 minutes. I didn't want to find out whether Edward had turned around at my entrance. My plan was to act normally at the end, to slowly pack up my things and head out as I always did. But as the lecture drew to a close I got more and more anxious. So, coward that I am, when it was time to leave, I practically shoved my head into my bag pretending to look for something. It was ostrich thinking – if I can't see them, they can't see me. _Idiot._ By the time I had scraped enough courage together to look around me, everyone was gone and unfamiliar students were filing in for the next lecture. I quickly gathered my belongings and went to sulk in my room. I had probably come off really rude today. _Only if he was actually paying enough attention to notice_, that voice in my head reminded me.

Then I spent the rest of the day and much of the night beating myself up over the way I had behaved. I couldn't believe how weak I had become. By Wednesday morning, I couldn't even talk myself into getting out of bed, let alone going to the lecture.

I told myself I needed a day off. I was sure he wouldn't even notice. Just a few weeks of looking at the back of his head, and I was back to the way I had been a few years ago – a bundle of nerves and constant anxiety, worrying over what people thought of me. Sure it was only one person's opinion that kept me up at night this time, but the feelings were all the same. Sickeningly familiar – that helplessness and dread. One step forward, two steps back. Ugh. I needed some time to relearn how to detach myself. Only then could I follow through with my earlier plan of indifference.

Feeling determined and sure about something for once, I spent the entire day in the library using my studies to distract me from thinking too much about Edward. It wasn't a total success. I found myself sitting in the same seat I had been in on Friday and glancing up at the empty chair in front of me, fantasizing about Edward walking in. When the work got especially difficult I would even pretend we were discussing it, working through it together. It was nice having some help last Friday with the information about that article. It was nice not having to do everything alone.

But he never did walk in. I sat there by myself at that big table all day. Eventually it was just me in the library. Whatever I was reading had long ago stopped making sense, so I quietly packed up my stuff and made my way out of the building. I wanted to slam those big heavy doors shut. Just make some damn noise – anything - and let out some of my frustration. But of course, I didn't, even though there was no one around to hear me. I closed the door timidly and walked back to my room. Even my shoes weren't making any noise as they hit the pavement.

Thursday was more of the same. Working in the library after classes, at the same table and in the same seat. And trying not to stare at the empty chair across from me or think about Edward and how his ink-stained fingers had gently gripped the pen as he made notes.

On Friday I really didn't feel like spending most of the day in the library again, but I told myself this was the new routine. I needed the routine to feel like I had some control over myself. So I went again and sat in the same seat again. Each night I would have one or two missed calls or text messages. Mostly from my parents, sometimes from the few friends I still had. I generally ignored them or gave them excuses about how all my homework was keeping me busy. I wasn't in the mood to lie and say I was "fine" when they asked. I just wanted a break – from everything, from everyone. I wanted to retreat into myself like I always did and I wanted it to feel right and safe like it always did. I was still waiting on that second part.

By Saturday I was so bored of working in the library that I took my Ipod with me. At least that way I could take a few breaks from the work and listen to some music quietly. At about 11 am I decided to take my first break. Twenty minutes later I was still listening to my Ipod and my gaze had not once left Edward's empty seat across from me. I had left my Ipod on shuffle. Big mistake. "My skin" by Natalie Merchant started playing and the combination of that song and Edward's empty chair was too much for me. Untouchable. That's what I had become. And like everything else, it was good and bad. It was safe and scary. What I wanted and what I dreaded the most.

A warm hand on my shoulder caused me to jump in my seat and whip my head around, looking for the cause of the intrusion.

It was Edward. His hand was still floating in the air, above where my shoulder had been a few seconds ago and his lips were moving but I couldn't hear him.

"What?" I said, tugging my headphones out of my ears and putting my Ipod on pause. It sounded much harsher out loud than in my head.

"I said, are you all right?"

That was unexpected. Why would he think I wasn't all right? Oh my god, did he know? How the hell did he know? I could feel the panic taking over. _Run, run, run_.

"You're crying, Bella," he whispered softly, his extended hand once again reaching towards me. I hadn't even considered what his ink-stained fingers would feel like against my face. Even in my fantasies, I had kept him at a distance. The fear welled up inside me with that thought and my own hand jerked up to my face before his could. Sure enough, there they were – traitor tears. And in the library, out in the open. I really had lost all control over myself.

I rushed to wipe my face clean, looking anywhere but at Edward. "Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I didn't even realize… I'm fine."

"Are you sure?" He didn't look convinced, but there was no way I was going to vent and unload all my crap on him. The poor guy had come to the library to study, he didn't need to feel obligated to console some blubbering girl that got in his way.

"Yep. Absolutely sure. I just got lost in my thoughts – sad song you know? Just embarrassed really." Girls get emotional over songs and movies, right? This was sort of believable and not technically a lie.

"Ok." He still looked uncertain but he didn't say anything more as he sat down opposite me and took out his books.

I tried not to stare. It was really weird seeing him sitting exactly where I had imagined him to be for the last 3 days. The only difference was that the real Edward looked much more uncomfortable than the one in my fantasies. Of course. _I_ was making him feel that way. I quickly looked down at my textbook and started making notes again, trying to show him I wouldn't bother him anymore and that he could study in peace.

I think we had been studying silently for about an hour (well it was less for me because it took a while for me to be able to focus enough for the words to start looking like English again) when he broke the silence. I hoped it wasn't because the silence had felt awkward to him. This had been my fantasy for a while now, just studying with him, having him around. I knew it didn't mean the same thing for him but to think he didn't enjoy it all, felt tense and anxious around me even …

"So I aced that essay. I thought Banner was even going to hug me, he looked so relieved that someone hadn't failed it." He wasn't whispering anymore – the library was practically empty on Saturdays. He still sounded a little unsure though and he was talking slowly and in a soft tone. He was probably trying to keep the mental patient calm.

"That's good. Me too." Was he getting annoyed with my nothing responses? Did he want to have a proper conversation or was he just trying to be a nice guy after seeing me upset?

We were quiet again for another seventeen minutes. I know because I couldn't focus at all this time. Maybe I should say something. I looked up at him, trying to think of something safe to say. He lifted his head and met my eyes. For a second he looked just like everybody else – my parents, my friends, my damn hairdresser. He was expecting something from me. He was waiting for me to say something. The urge to run and hide was overwhelming. I almost didn't care how rude I seemed. But then he smiled at me and looked back down at his book. I'm sure he was oblivious to what was going on in my head but that gesture was comforting. It felt like he was saying "_whenever you're ready, no pressure"_ and I actually felt like I could believe him one day.

After that, I tried even harder to think of something to say. It was just so hard to think straight with the fear and panic swirling around in my stomach. But how many opportunities had I let pass me by because I was too afraid? I wasn't stupid. I knew the odds of things turning out the way I wanted them to were slim to none. But Edward felt like he might be different. There were glimpses. Little things about him that gave me a little confidence. I stared at his hands as he lazily made notes and spoke directly to his ink-stained fingers. "I still can't figure out why Banner didn't put that article on the reading list. Doesn't he want us to pass his course?"

"I don't know. I guess he doesn't want to spoon-feed us. I can't decide whether I want to be spoon-fed. College shouldn't feel like high-school where if you read what they tell you to read and you can regurgitate it on request, you pass. But then again, my opinion is radically different when finals come around." He put his pen down and leaned back into his chair. We must have made an odd pair – him the picture of relaxation and me completely rigid, gripping my pen for dear life.

"Um."

Several long seconds went by while I tried to come up with a response. It's odd how similar fear and anxiety is to sleep deprivation or being intoxicated. Your brain is on a time-delay of some sort while everything else goes by at double speed.

"I don't want to be spoon-fed. But I do think I need to be sometimes. I'm not sure I'm any smarter now than I was in high-school."

He didn't reply immediately and for some reason I couldn't stop. After a short pause, I started rambling again.

"I wish there were fewer tests than in high-school though. Sometimes I feel like they spend more time testing us than teaching us. And – for example with that Banner article incident – half the time they don't even tell us what their criteria are. There is no way he thought we could do that essay without the article. He probably wanted to see if we were doing extra reading or something."

He kept looking at me thoughtfully and he still hadn't said anything. The seconds passed by and I was convinced I had said something wrong. Should I have stuck with a more generic response?

Finally he sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "I think I know what you mean."

I didn't push him for more and thankfully he didn't push me. After that, the conversation stayed within Banner's actual subject. Academic discussion was something I could do and I did. We talked through the latest homework, then would go quiet for a while as we carried on making notes. Then one of us would ask another question, and the cycle would start up again. He was definitely smart. Certainly smarter than me. He had interesting opinions on most of the issues, but even when he wasn't saying anything particularly insightful, it was still really pleasant just sitting there discussing the work with him. It was exactly what I had been fantasizing about for the last three days.

My fantasy-come-to-life was rudely interrupted by my stomach grumbling.

"Hungry?" It was that same amused tone from last Friday. God, he looked so cocky when he smirked like that.

"I guess I am." I tried not to get embarrassed. Being hungry was perfectly natural. It was 2 pm after all.

"Let's take a break and get something to eat." It wasn't a question. He got up and started packing away his things.

I hesitated. What if I couldn't keep the conversation away from personal questions? I really didn't want to lie to him. It felt like it would kill me to pretend with him. I was also not very keen to let him watch me eat. That always made me feel self-conscious for some reason.

"Come on, Bella. I'm starving." He started closing my books and arranging them in neat piles, ready to pack into my bag.

I couldn't see a way out so I stood up and obediently followed him out of the library.

Thirty minutes later Edward and I were sitting on the front steps of the library, eating Chinese take out. Luckily, Edward had taken control of the whole situation when the only responses I offered to his questions about where we should go were "I don't mind" and "Wherever you prefer". I was incredibly relieved he hadn't taken us to a sit-down place. I don't think I would've coped very well with the waitresses staring at us, wondering why Edward was allowing himself to be seen in public with me. And I really didn't want to sit opposite Edward and have him watch me eat. I didn't know if Edward knew that would make me uncomfortable or if it was all just a lucky coincidence, but his choices made things much easier on me. He was sitting next to me (a fairly safe distance away) and we were both looking forward, at the green field in front of the library instead of at each other. This was probably the most comfortable I could've been in this type of situation and I was unbelievably grateful. He didn't even laugh when I went to take a sip from my bottle of water, but lost my grip on the straw and it bounced back off the edge of the bottle, flicking drops of water in my face. _Nice. Real cool, Bella. _

He also seemed to sense my discomfort at discussing anything too personal. _Then again maybe he just wasn't interested in getting to know me._ We mostly talked about the two classes we had in common, the teachers, the amount of work we had or we sat quietly and ate our lunch. The silent parts even felt almost comfortable for me. I know this sounds insane, but eating Chinese take out on the steps of the library would probably have been my ideal fantasy date if I had ever thought about it. The only disappointment came just before we ate when Edward decided to wash his hands. They were ink-free when he returned. But what was I going to do? I couldn't very well say_ "No, please don't. I prefer your hands when they are dirty." _Well, that and the fact that it wasn't actually a date.

After lunch, we went back to studying for a few more hours. At about 6 pm, we decided to call it a day and set off towards our respective dorm rooms.

"Do you study in the library a lot?" This was probably the closest he had come to asking about anything personal.

"Um, yes actually. It's easier to work there than in my room. Gives me a sense of structure I guess." Did he think I was a geek? Well… I am a geek. No point in hiding something so obvious. I was only able to appear semi-confident in the academic arena anyway so as far as I was concerned, being a geek was my best quality.

"I agree. This day has been really productive. I think I'm going to start coming more often."

_What should I respond to that?_ _"Thank you, thank you, thank you"_ just didn't seem appropriate. Mercifully, we had reached his dorm building.

"Anyway, this is me. Goodnight, Bella."

"Goodnight, Edward." Just like last time, I didn't linger. I just turned around and walked away, not looking back even once. I think I had finally learned that when it came to Edward, one day at a time – hell one moment at a time – was my best and only strategy.

**

* * *

A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed or put this story on alert/favourite. If you have a moment, I'd really appreciate some feedback – is Bella believable?**

**Also, I mentioned "My skin" by Natalie Merchant in this chapter. I might start a playlist in my profile, but for now the most fitting song for the first couple of chapters is "Strange and Beautiful" by Aqualung. I'm open to other song recommendations though. :)**


	5. Shifting perspectives

**Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. The Nietzsche quote is from Genealogy of Morals.**

* * *

I really felt like I was making progress… in tiny increments. The steps may have been small, but at least they were steps.

Edward and I were exchanging smiles before and after lectures. I would still dawdle before I left, giving him a head start as he walked back with his friend and I still tried to walk in just as the lecture started so he wouldn't have a chance to turn around and talk to me, but at least I had stopped coming up with creative ways to avoid him. Smiles were good. One step at a time. I could totally handle this.

He also started coming to the library more often. He wasn't there almost every day like I was, but still. Sometimes he'd stay a few hours, sometimes he'd stay the whole day. And he always sat with me. Even when someone else was sitting at our table and I was forced to find another one. Even when he arrived first in the morning, he would smile at me as I walked in and remove his stuff from the seat opposite him so I could sit there. I wasn't really sure what it all meant. In keeping with my plan, I tried really hard not to worry about it. _Yeah right._

I guess we were study buddies. We definitely weren't friends – we didn't know enough about each other to be friends. It was strictly intellectual right now – we were discussing our classes, sometimes skirting around the edges of the topics a little, but we had definitely not crossed over into the more personal stuff. And that was fine by me. I could handle that. I found I even enjoyed myself most of the time.

He was a great study partner (not that I had many to compare him to). He didn't seem to mind being silent for long periods of time, so he didn't ask endless annoying questions. He didn't constantly complain about the work being boring – he genuinely enjoyed his classes most of the time. He was smarter than me but not by so much that I couldn't hold my own in our debates. His notes were legible and he seemed to understand mine so we could divide up some of the extra reading when we were short on time. I really felt like we were helping each other with our school work. And it felt good. To be able to offer him anything – even the smallest bit of help – it meant a lot to me.

The best part was that I didn't have to change my routine – he had changed his. Or we had made up a new one together. Either way, it wasn't me making the compromise like I always did. It felt like we were meeting in the middle.

And although our relationship was strictly professional right now, I did find out the answers to some of the questions I had been wondering about since that first day. For example, I found out that he never had a bookmark when he needed one. He would rummage in his bag for an old receipt or tear a bit of paper out of his notebook to use, but more often than not he would just leave his pencil inside the book to hold his place. He had no qualms about writing notes in the margins and underlining important bits (sometimes even in pen). He didn't take very good care of his books at all. I didn't know if that was just how he treated his textbooks or if that was his attitude towards all books in general. I hoped it was the latter. I preferred beat up copies of books anyway – I liked it when they looked not only like someone had read them but really engaged with them. The pretty books on my shelves were the ones I never read.

His fingers were always ink-stained because the fountain pen he liked using always leaked. It was a really nice pen. Silver and shiny. I was a little jealous. I always just used whatever pen I grabbed first from the bottom of my bag. It must have been nice to have one particular pen you always used, even if it didn't work properly. I wondered why he didn't buy a new one, but I never asked.

I also learned that Edward wasn't one of those bubbly, constantly happy people. _Thank God!_ I can't stand people like that, with their ridiculous hyperboles. Everything's always "fantastic" and "amazing" and "perfect" when you ask them. They looked at me like I was a freak if I responded with just "fine" or "good." They made me feel guilty that I was just fine. But really, it wasn't me being cynical for once. Didn't those people want to save those words for when something really was amazing? Did they have so little hope that amazing things would happen for them that they decided they would at least use the words as much as they wanted now?

Thankfully, Edward wasn't like that. He was a serious guy. He didn't smile all the time and I liked that about him. This way, whenever he did smile at me I felt like maybe I had earned it.

And he never made comments about my moods. He never said stuff like "Smile, Bella!" like other people did. I liked him even more as a result. It meant I didn't have to hide my feelings from him. I wasn't ready to show him how depressed and miserable I could be, but at least I didn't have to pretend like I was on Prozac. If I felt like being quiet and thoughtful and serious, I could be, without being called boring or getting a lecture about how I should always stay positive.

Then again maybe he was just serious_ around me._ I was only his study partner. He probably acted differently around his real friends.

On those days that he stayed longer at the library, we would always have lunch together. Mercifully, Edward kept things casual. We would mostly just get sandwiches or take out from somewhere and sit on the library steps or a bench nearby. One Monday, we had just finished eating and I started gathering up my trash so we could return to the library. But as I turned to walk back inside, I noticed Edward hadn't moved at all. He was still sitting on the steps, staring forward with a blank expression on his face. He had been acting strange all day. He wasn't interested in discussing the work like we usually did. He had just sat there, making notes mechanically. I didn't mind in the beginning. If he didn't feel like talking, that was fine with me. If anyone understood how he felt, it was me.

I thought I had been helping him by not questioning him about his sudden mood swing. But what if there was something more going on?

I didn't know what to do. Should I ask him if everything was all right? Would he want to talk about it with _me_? What if he just wanted to be alone? I was almost completely comfortable with Edward the student, the study partner, but this was a different, unfamiliar Edward that I was staring at. And God knows I didn't cope very well with the unknown.

But he looked so… small sitting there with that blank look on his face. Diminished somehow. It reminded me of that tired look in his eyes I had seen that first Friday we spent in the library together. It was always there since then, sometimes it was just less obvious. Today it was the dominant emotion in his eyes. I had to at least try to be there for him. _If he wanted me to be._

I tried desperately to think of something to do. The thought of me trying to cheer him up seemed completely absurd. And maybe he didn't want to be cheered up. Sometimes you just needed to wallow a little. So I just took my seat next to him on the steps again. I hoped he would interpret the gesture as saying something along the lines of: _I'm here to listen if you feel like it. But if you don't, that's ok too._

When I sat back down he turned and looked at me for a few moments. I tried to be brave and not look away from his eyes. I wanted to be what he needed right now, all my own crap could wait. I don't know how long we sat there looking at each other. Eventually Edward seemed to come to some sort of decision and he stood up.

"Will you go for a walk with me? I don't feel like studying any more today." He looked uncertain.

"Sure, Edward." I gave him a quiet smile, trying to reassure him. His answering smile was even smaller than mine.

We started wandering around the campus slowly. Occasionally he would run his hands through his hair, making it even messier than it usually was. He didn't say anything. He looked deep in thought and I didn't want to disturb him or push him. I just kept pace with him, trying to show him through my actions that I was here if he needed me. Even if he chose not to confide in me, walking side by side with him was still a memory I would return to often. It felt like we were walking _together_. Neither was leading. And at least I wasn't trailing behind him like that first day. It had been a long time since I had felt like I was almost on an equal footing with someone else.

We ended up outside my dorm building and for a moment I thought he was going to ask to come up to my room.

_Don't freak out. Don't freak out. Don't freak out. _

Or worse, what if he was trying to ditch me so he could be alone?

_Oh my god. Crap. Crap. Crap. _

Just as the panic was really setting in, he swerved and sat down on a bench outside my building, dropping his head into his hands. I sat down by his side again.

"I'm sorry. I know I haven't been much fun today," he mumbled, his head still in his hands.

"Edward…" I laughed softly without humor.

He still didn't look up. "Edward, you really don't have to apologize about that to _me_. Believe me."

The moments crawled by. He felt guilty that he was sad, that I wasn't having any fun with him? I knew exactly what he was talking about. That's how other people always made me feel. I hoped he believed me when I told him he didn't have to worry about that with me. Sitting here, even just being cold and miserable with him - it was wonderful, in a twisted sort of way.

"Do you… I mean, if you wanted to… I'm h-" I had to at least try to verbalize my offer to listen. Just in case my actions hadn't said it for me. Of course, I couldn't get it all out. I couldn't put myself in such a vulnerable position. What if he said _"Thanks but no thanks_"_?_ God, I was completely spineless.

More silence. More of him sitting there with his head in his hands. More of me feeling like a failure. I bet his real friends would know what to do. Suddenly my plan to just let him know I was here, instead of trying to cheer him up seemed stupid. That's the problem though isn't it? We comfort other people the way we want to be comforted ourselves, whether that's what the other person needs or not.

"My grandmother died. My dad called to let me know today." His voice sounded flat. He lifted his head out of his hands, but he still wasn't looking at me. He was staring ahead.

"Oh."

_Oh? That's all I've got? Bella you moron, you can't do anything right can you?_

"I'm sorry, Edward."

Long pause.

"Yeah. That's the problem," Edward whispered beside me.

_What? God, had I made things worse? _What was I thinking trying to be there for him? I should've gone to get one of his real friends or something. Any other person on the planet would probably do a better job of this than me.

"I didn't really know her very well. She lives – she lived – far away from us, so I only really saw her once a year."

There was another long pause. _All right, get over yourself, Bella._ _This isn't about you. It's about Edward. Just sit there. Just be there._

All right. _I can do this. I need to do this._

I gathered what little courage I had and gingerly placed my hand on his shoulder.

He turned to look at me then, with his tired eyes. "I don't even feel sorry she's dead, Bella. She was ill for a long time. She didn't even seem to recognize us the last time I saw her. I don't feel sorry. I wish she had died sooner. What kind of person does that make me? And worse still, I've just learned that she's dead and I'm not even mourning her – I'm upset because I'm afraid my reaction to her death was inappropriate. I'm sick or something." He turned away then, shoving his face back into his hands.

The hand I had on his shoulder was left hovering in the air when he moved away. I took a deep breath and placed it back on his shoulder again.

"Last year, my grandfather's sister - I don't know the proper term, I didn't know her very well either **– ** she and my dog both died over the span of the same couple of days. I was more upset over my dog."

He looked up at me again and we just sat there looking at each other for a while. Neither of us was trying to comfort the other.

"This is probably just the beginning, you know? First my grandmother, then my grandfather. Then my parents. Then my brothers. One by one."

He didn't look away. And for once, the fear and panic wasn't there. So I didn't look away either.

"Yep. Unless we die first of course."

That made Edward laugh darkly and I couldn't help but join in. "You're quite the optimist, aren't you?"

"Of course. Did you expect anything else?"

Eventually our laughter was consumed by the silence of the night. When had it gotten dark? How long had we been sitting here?

"Do you think about death, Bella?" That tired look had overtaken Edward's eyes again.

"Um."

Don't panic. Don't panic _now_. I tried to get the words out as quickly as possible, before the fear returned.

"More often after my dog died. I um… well I saw the whole thing. And I had never seen anything die up close before. He err… tried to go to his bed, you know how dogs go off alone to die? But we knew something was wrong, so we followed. And then he was… like wheezing. And there was foam coming out of his mouth and his eyes were rolling back. My mother was trying to resuscitate him so we could take him to the vet or something. But… I guess it was too late. I was holding him. Afterwards, there was pee and shit on my clothes. I hadn't even noticed at the time. I guess… I mean that's what happens when you die though. It was… gruesome but it was good and bad I guess -"

There was a lot more to the story… like the look in my mother's eyes when she said he was still warm while she was stroking him after. But I hadn't managed to get it out quickly enough. I tore my eyes away from Edward's and removed my hand from his shoulder. I couldn't keep going.

He put his hand on my shoulder this time and tried to catch my gaze again.

"What do you mean it was good and bad?" he whispered.

"Um." I met his eyes again, trying to find the courage to keep going. "Well, it was bad because it was so disgusting that it seemed like… like he was stripped of all his dignity before he finally died, you know? But… but it was good because it was so disgusting that… I mean, I'm not religious or anything, but it was as if the whole thing made you realize it was just his body that was dying… I don't know."

It didn't even fully make sense to me, what the hell was I doing trying to explain it to him?

He turned away then, staring ahead. And he removed his hand. But he scooted closer to me on the bench and we sat there for I don't know how long, our knees touching.

My shiver seemed to break the trance we had fallen into.

"I didn't realize it was so late. We have class in the morning." I nodded. We both stood up and Edward walked me to the door of my building.

"Thanks, Bella. It felt good to get this stuff out." He had a small smile on his face and it looked sincere.

"Me too. Goodnight." I smiled back. It was true. I hadn't talked to anyone about my dog. Not like this. I had listened to my family talk about him, but I had always stayed quiet.

"Goodnight. See you tomorrow." That made me smile even wider. Thank goodness he had already turned to walk back to his dorm.

* * *

I went straight to bed when I got to my room. I just wanted to enjoy the moment. For once. I had a genuinely good day today. How often did that happen? Sure, things had gotten pretty depressing but I had shared something with Edward I had never shared with anyone before. And it wasn't a little something – it was a pretty big freaking something. Compared to that what difference did it make whether he knew my last name? I felt relaxed, liberated even, and patiently excited at the same time. _Strange._ Could it be – could this feeling be hope?

Whatever it was, it was short-lived. I ruined it (as always) by going too far. I was just so desperate to cling to the good feeling, to make this good day last a little longer, that I started replaying the day's events in my mind. Then I started modifying them a little. And then a little more. I made up long conversations on happier topics with Edward. I imagined us sitting on that bench, comforting each other and then…

Holding hands.

Me resting my head against his shoulder.

Him tilting my face towards him with his finger so he could kiss me.

Basically, all the usual stuff I had seen in movies or read about in books (where else was I going to get this stuff?).

But as the fantasies became more intimate, something weird happened. When I had been solely replaying the day's events in my mind, I had seen them from my point of view. I was watching the scene from my eyes. But as my thoughts turned to holding hands or kissing, even when we were having some of the conversations I made up, the fantasies were all suddenly from the third person perspective. It was as if I was looking in on "me" and Edward doing these things from a distance. When I pictured him kissing me, I didn't see him moving towards me. Instead, it was as if I was standing to the side of us, watching us kiss.

That wasn't normal was it? I tried to force myself to see those scenes through my own eyes but I couldn't. Every even remotely intimate fantasy stubbornly refused to comply. What the hell did that mean?

Did I only see Edward as a friend? Maybe I just didn't know enough about him yet to be able to think of him in that way… After all, I hadn't revealed much about myself,but neither had he.

Or maybe… maybe it was me. Maybe the idea of me doing those things with anyone, let alone Edward, was too nonsensical for my brain to process. So instead my brain conjured up some kind of stunt double for me – someone who looked like me (but with obvious improvements: fantasy-me's hair was shinier and consistently wavy as if she had styled it; she wasn't wearing my usual baggy t-shirt and jeans, I bet she didn't have those scars and she was _smiling _for crying out loud…). But she wasn't really _me_. At least not "me" as I was right now.

Ugh. My stupid brain couldn't just let me enjoy the fact I had opened up to someone for one night. No, it had to find a way to rip me off my cloud and kick me back into reality.

I wondered how much I would have to change before stuff like that would be possible for me, before Edward would look at me as if I had the potential to really mean something to him. Would it be worth it? Sure I had been consistently confused and often depressed since Edward had wandered into my life, but life pre-Edward wasn't that bad. My isolation had been self-inflicted for the most part. I never really had fun when I was around my "friends" anyway. It was all tense and awkward, full of careful half-truths and recitations of other people's acceptable opinions. I wasn't one of those people who got bored easily when they were alone. And there was no pretending when I was alone. I hadn't even considered the possibility that I might meet someone I didn't have to pretend with – like I hadn't been pretending tonight – at least not before Edward sauntered into that lecture room with his messy hair and ink-stained fingers.

But Edward had sauntered in and he had taken the seat in front of me and I had noticed him. There was no going back to my comfortable life of detachment now. Now that the idea of someone who I could be myself with, the possibility of having a friend – _a real friend_ – had been shoved in front of my face. There was just no turning back. I had to at least see this through.

I knew it wouldn't be easy. I was already fighting against all my natural instincts to run and I would have to keep fighting and keep winning. That quote from Nietzsche had never meant more to me than at this moment: "the cure is more painful than the disease with which, after all, we have grown comfortable".

But I had made a little progress. Especially tonight. I tried to cling to that, to my plan: one day, one step at a time. At the very least, I had finally admitted to myself that there was something to cure.


	6. Right on time

**Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. And the quote at the end is a popular Albert Einstein quote. There is also a really oblique reference to Sylvia Plath's poem "Mirror" (I only mention it to be safe).**

* * *

The next morning I woke up feeling good. Happy! This was going to be a good day.

What a strange feeling that was. I couldn't remember the last time I didn't hit the snooze button on my alarm clock, needing that five more minutes of snuggling with my pillow. The alarm clock didn't even go off this morning because I woke up first. Even though I had stayed up late last night **-** or I guess this morning. That thought made me smile stupidly. I had stayed up late – not studying, not worrying… _talking with Edward. _

I felt really good. I didn't even gawk at myself in the mirror before leaving my room today – let the damn thing stare at the wallpaper all day; _I_ had better things to do.

I was sure the spring in my step would be obvious as I walked to my lectures that morning. _If anyone had been paying attention_. I tilted my face upwards; looking towards the sky and letting the cool air caress my face and the wind whip my hair in different directions. It was cold and my cheeks stung a little, but I didn't want to walk faster. My bare fingers were shaking a little from the temperature, but I knew I wouldn't reach for the gloves in my pocket. People around me were clinging to their coats, huddling together and walking quickly, trying to get to their respective destinations as fast as possible. But I liked it. I liked the cold. It makes you feel on edge and wide awake and if you try hard enough it's easy to pass that feeling off as feeling alive. Of course, maybe I was just happy for once. The world looked very different through this rosy lens.

Then I saw him.

I froze mid-step. Edward. Walking to class. Alone. Just feet in front of me.

I must have looked like an idiot just standing there in the middle of the sidewalk, while the cars and pedestrians whizzed past me. I just couldn't decide what to do. If I walked a little faster I could probably catch up with him in about a minute. But what would I do after that? He was probably still upset over his grandmother, and here I was grinning like an idiot. And things were a little uncertain between us. Were we friends now? Would he feel comfortable asking me personal questions? I had opened up last night, but I didn't know how long I could keep it up. Especially if he asked the wrong questions.

It was just too risky and I wanted to feel good a little longer. So I did what I always do when I'm trying to avoid people I know. _Hide_. I started walking extra slowly, stopping again at a bench and pretending to tie my shoelaces. _Of course I was wearing boots._ Crap. _Oh well, who's going to notice anyway?_

Eventually he crossed at the traffic light and I knew it was safe to start walking normally again. The light would be red by the time I got there. He would probably arrive a good two minutes before me now.

Of course now that it was too late to catch up to him, my brain decided to get to work. _Coward_, it chanted at me. And then it tortured me with daydreams about how well things could have turned out if only I had caught up to him. I saw myself placing my hand on his shoulder and saying "Edward, hey! I thought it was you". Just like that blonde girl had.

Next came the regret.

But that is exactly what my brain wanted me to feel. So that next time I would go up to him and most probably humiliate myself. Edward had probably told most of his real friends about his grandmother. He'd surely think me a freak if I suddenly started acting like we were BFFs just because of one evening. I couldn't know for sure.

I would never know what would have happened if I had caught up with him that day. But I liked it that way. That uncertainty is what leaves room for fantasies and hope and daydreams. And I love those.

As usual, I walked in just as the professor started talking. As I took my seat behind him, Edward turned and smiled crookedly at me. _As usual!_ Well, as usual for the last week or so… but still, it made me smile even wider in return.

I could barely pay attention. I was vaguely aware of the fact that I was staring at the back of his head again. But it just looked so mesmerizing. The way his messy bronze tresses intertwined and stood up in odd places. It looked so soft and inviting and interesting. Other boys had such boring hair.

His friend rushing in late and falling into the seat next to him broke me out of my trance. That must be why he was alone this morning. His friend must have overslept. I wondered why Edward was so on time today – he had stayed up late too, after all. He must be tired. And he was probably still feeling low.

When the lecture finished, Edward smiled at me again before heading out with his friend. And again, I smiled back. This was one of my favorite parts of the new routine.

I walked back towards my dorm room leisurely, just enjoying the fact my good mood was lasting for once.

By the time I grabbed the books I needed from my room and made my way to the library, Edward was already there sitting at our table. I tried to gauge his mood as I gingerly took my seat opposite him. If he was still upset, I would have to find some way to wipe the smile from my face. He looked all right I guess. He nodded at me and threw me a small smile, then went back to reading his textbook. He didn't ask any questions about the work like he usually did. Maybe he was just pretending to be fine. He was probably still upset. I tried to give him space and time. I mimicked him and took out my own textbook.

After a few hours of almost-silent, but not-totally-uncomfortable, studying, he put his pen down and stretched.

"Lunch?" he asked me.

"Sure," I replied, packing up my stuff.

We bought sandwiches from a café nearby and walked around the campus for a little while looking for a free bench. At first, he asked me the usual questions. How had my day been. What did I think of the lecture this morning. Nothing bad enough to fill my stomach with frenzied butterflies. I had gotten used to this side of him. But even though he was asking me the usual questions, he seemed a bit… off. He was asking those questions on purpose. I could tell by his tone that he was leading me somewhere. I didn't ask where, I just let him lead.

My suspicions were confirmed when he carefully brought up his grandmother again. I guess he didn't want to just jump headfirst into that subject. It was all right though. I knew even though this topic made me a little more anxious, I could handle this too.

And it was nice. Really. He recounted some of his early memories of her. I in turn told him some stories about my dog. I tried to stick to the more typical stories, though, for the most part – the kind almost every dog owner surely has. My dog was my best friend. I was still uncomfortable sharing some of my more private memories.

My nerves quickly disappeared when Edward slowly steered the conversation towards death in the abstract. That was much easier to discuss. That was almost like any other academic topic, with pre-approved "for" and "against" arguments you could safely take up. So of course, I went along with it. I even actively tried to keep the conversation general and hypothetical. Like we were on opposing sides in a debate instead of talking about intimate personal experiences. It was the equivalent of taking a break from the more emotionally exhausting earlier conversation. And surely even philosophical discussion like this was helpful to him? I told myself that we both needed this. Someone to listen to us and to bounce ideas off of. This is why we were such great study partners.

Edward didn't stay long that day. Almost immediately after we got back from lunch, he said he needed to go and rushed out of the library. I stayed there by myself for a few more hours before heading back to my room. Edward had acted a little odd today but I was still in a good mood. He was still talking to me and confided a little more in me today by telling me those stories about his grandmother.

_Hmm… just after 6 pm. What should I do now?_ I decided to check my email.

Of course, I should've known not to get my hopes up. Whenever I feel even remotely happy about something, something very bad inevitably follows. I guess it was just life putting me in my place.

And here it was again – _right on time_.

There was an email waiting for me. One I would have seen earlier had I not forgotten to check my email last night, caught up in fantasies of Edward. It was a "kind" reminder that the deadline for one of my college assignments was today. I couldn't freaking believe it. I must have misread the date or wrote it down wrong or something because I thought I still had a week before this was due. Thank God Edward and I had been spending so much time studying lately. I had gotten so far ahead that I had finished this assignment "early." Boy was I lucky!

Well… almost lucky. The email said the deadline was 5 pm today. Shit! I was over an hour late.

I quickly opened up the document, wrote my name at the top and emailed it to my professor, with an empty apology for the slight delay. I hoped he would still accept it.

_Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!_

I spent the rest of the evening mentally beating myself up. I checked my email compulsively, hoping for a reply from my professor, but I knew I'd have to wait till tomorrow morning to find out just how much I had screwed up this time. I stayed up late again, checking it every few minutes, until I finally decided I should try and get some sleep.

I could not believe that I had managed to screw up – again! How could one person keep making the same mistake over and over and over?

The worst part was that I knew I couldn't tell anybody, especially not my parents. How many times had my father lectured me on this very thing? Telling me how my forgetfulness, my clumsiness – hell my carelessness would get me into serious trouble one day? Too many. Or apparently not enough. Why couldn't I learn from my mistake?

I felt like I was frozen in time or something – same mistakes, same feelings, same unfulfilled resolutions to do x, y, z. I felt like this was where I always ended up. Lying in bed, unable to sleep because I was so panicked, so scared.

And it was entirely my fault. _It always was._

I really needed to get some sleep. I had to get up early again for class tomorrow. _Ok, Bella. Focus. You need to calm yourself down._

_It's going to be all right. This one mistake is not the end of the world. You can totally fix this. You can redeem yourself. Even if it is as bad as you think – why not at least enjoy this moment before you are forced to deal with the consequences tomorrow? People make mistakes. All the time. And this one – it won't completely ruin your future. The assignment wasn't even one of the more important ones._

_So what if your professor is a little mad?_ _Why are you so afraid? _

Of course, I knew the answer to that. But knowing it hadn't helped me yet. I was afraid my professors would (rightly) blame me and be angry, disappointed in me. I knew the reason I couldn't tell my parents – they'd say "I told you so" and they would be 100% right.

I let the self-loathing consume me.

Why couldn't I change? Why had I stopped even trying to change? I knew all the clichés: you are in control of your own destiny; your life is in your hands. I knew they were true but part of me felt like I was trapped inside my body, watching myself make the same mistakes over and over. I felt frozen in this state, this mess of a state. It's maddening. Isn't that Einstein's definition of insane? 'Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results?'

It felt like my "will" was evaporating – less and less of _me_ in there, trying to change my life.

An hour later, I still hadn't calmed down enough to sleep. In the past, I would cry myself to sleep when I screwed up like this. But tears are so pointless. So pointless I had taught myself not to cry in these situations. If only I could teach myself to stop worrying.

I tried thinking about Edward – my great escape these days. But for once it didn't work. It made things impossibly worse. I didn't deserve to even be study partners with someone like Edward. I felt dirty and messy while he was clean and pure. What if I rubbed off on him? Infected him with whatever's wrong with me?

And wasn't that the problem in the first place? I spent so much time "escaping" into my thoughts and fantasies that I didn't hang around reality enough to pay attention. That's why I was so careless, such a damn klutz all the time. I always gave things minimum attention. And as a result, I missed out on a lot of the important details.

I couldn't change because a big part of me liked this. I didn't want to pay attention. I would gladly flee permanently to my fantasies, forsaking reality altogether, if I could get away with it.

_I don't know…_ _Maybe I've just become accustomed to failure. Maybe it's more comfortable, safer ending up here. Or maybe I'm a sick, masochistic loser who enjoys torturing herself._

I don't remember falling asleep, but I guess I must have. I woke up feeling on edge and exhausted but wide awake at the same time. This was going to be a bad day.

**

* * *

Feedback is much appreciated… I feel slightly over my head with this theme I've chosen. I hope it's at least believable.**


	7. I don't know the way out

**Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**

* * *

I was right. It was a bad day.

The first thing I did when I opened my eyes, feeling anxious and not at all rested, was shoot up out of the bed and sprint to my laptop. I immediately checked my email, hoping for a message from my professor. Nothing. Damn.

More compulsive refreshing of the web page. More stress. More self-loathing.

After what felt like a year, I finally got an email from him.

_Dear Isabella,_

_Thank you. I will post the results outside my office in two weeks._

_Regards,_

_Professor Banner_

Huh? He _thanked _me? _The world makes absolutely no sense to me._

I knew I should have been relieved. And I was! But the fact that things had turned out all right didn't erase my stupidity. I should have been paying more attention to when things were due. I should have been more organized. This was my degree I was messing with!

I tried to push all the negative thoughts away for now and concentrate on class and studying and making sure this didn't happen again. (Although, anyone who knew me and how much of a klutz I am, surely knew that it would happen again – over and over again.)

Maybe if that had been the only problem, Edward's smiles might have been enough to pull me out of my depression. But now that the rosy glasses had been ripped from my eyes, I could see those details I hadn't been paying attention to. I didn't like what I saw. It was a bad day. And so was the day after that and the one after that.

Have you heard that story? It's a popular story but I heard it when I was watching the West Wing. Addictively watching – every episode, one after the other until I'm **I was** too tired to keep watching. That's how I watch all the TV shows I like. Anyway, here's how the story goes when Leo McGarry says it in the West Wing:

"This guy's walking down a street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep, he can't get out. A doctor passes by, and the guy shouts up, 'Hey you, can you help me out?' The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along, and the guy shouts up 'Father, I'm down in this hole, can you help me out?' The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. 'Hey Joe, it's me, can you help me out?' And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, 'Are you stupid? Now we're both down here.' The friend says, 'Yeah, but I've been down here before, and I know the way out.'"

Nice story isn't it? If only…

Over the next few days, Edward came to the library everyday. He was always there at our table when I arrived and he didn't leave until I did. Yesterday when I had been in such a good mood, looking at him through my rosy lenses, his behavior had just seemed a little odd. But now – now I saw all the details. And everything was sickeningly familiar.

At first, he would impatiently make notes, restlessly jerking his leg and tapping his pen against his notebook, until it was late enough to pass for lunch time. Then he'd practically drag me outside and ask me to walk with him again. Now he didn't even bother pretending to study.

At first, he would bring up the subject of his grandmother's death tactfully, trying to be subtle about it – as if the conversation just naturally ended up there, as if he hadn't been waiting all day to talk about it. Now he didn't even bother with tactics.

That first night, we had talked about his grandmother and my dog. Since then the anecdotes, the stories got less and less frequent. Since then the only thing he wanted to talk about was "death" in the abstract. Just another academic topic, just another discussion between study partners.

And now that I was paying more attention, I knew exactly what he was doing. Hadn't I watched myself do the very same thing over and over and over again?

He was detaching himself. It wasn't the death of his grandmother – it was death in general. He didn't tell me stories about her anymore – he told me about research he'd done. He was trying to depersonalize it. By treating it just like another college assignment, he was deluding himself into believing there was a correct answer. Or at least an argument good enough to get you an A. When you write an essay on a controversial, open-ended academic issue to get an A, you just have to put forward a legitimate argument while taking note of other contradictory views. Then when you get your A, it's done. You can file the essay away in some drawer and it's done. No more need to think about it.

At first I went along with it. I told myself he was still confiding in me but he wasn't. We weren't confiding in each other at all anymore. We were back to being strictly study buddies – only the topic of discussion had changed.

The selfish part of me told me to just keep letting him lead. Would he still talk to me so much when he "got over" it? He was spending every day with me right now. But that meant that he was definitely neglecting his real friends and his studies. His hair looked impossibly messier these days, like he wasn't even trying to control it. His clothes looked a little more crumpled, like he hadn't bothered to iron them.

I knew what he was doing because I had done it before. I was still doing it now. And I knew it didn't work. It wouldn't help. He had fallen in the hole.

This was my worst fear realized. Had I rubbed off on him? Was this my fault? _I_ was the one on the other end of the discussions, playing devil's advocate. _I_ was the one who let him spend all damn day thinking and talking about this like it was another stupid assignment. _I_ was the one who didn't push him to snap out of it and move on. His real friends probably didn't let him dwell like I did – wasn't that why he was spending all his time with me suddenly? Had I taught him to think like I did? Even if I hadn't, I was still the one enabling this destructive pattern. I felt like his drug supplier or something. Fuck.

And I didn't know how to fix it. I wanted to jump in that hole with him. But the truth was that I was already down there, long before he had fallen in too. And I didn't know the way out.

Was it too late? What would it take to get him off this path? Would I have to stop talking to him altogether or did I only need to be more careful with what I said to him? I didn't want to just tell him I didn't want to talk about this anymore. He'd think I was just like the rest of them, getting fed up with him for being so depressed all the time. But at the same time, I couldn't let him keep digging himself into the ground like this.

One day, when I finally scraped enough courage together to do it, I tried to convince him to put down the shovel. I was terrified. I didn't know how I would open up to him again, but he needed it and I had to try for him. I felt a little like I was manipulating him. I was only telling him this story because I was trying to get a response from him. But I couldn't think of anything else.

Just when he was in the middle of telling me about some obscure philosopher's views on what happens when you die, I cut him off.

"You know what I miss the most about my dog? I used to study with him. I would sit at the dining room table and he'd jump on one of the chairs next to me and I would explain whatever it was I was trying to memorize to him. He would tilt his head at me. I wanted to think he was curious but he was probably wondering when my parents would finally ship me off to a mental institution." I laughed quietly and kept going, not giving Edward a chance to interrupt.

I tried to keep eye contact for as long as possible, willing for some sign in those tired green eyes that he understood what I was trying to tell him.

"He never lasted very long. Nine times out of ten, he would turn around in the chair, with his butt towards me and fall asleep within a few minutes. But I kept talking to him anyway, listening to his soft snoring for company. And I'd take him for walks and take some notes with me and we wouldn't go back to the house until I had memorized them. He liked that part because it meant he got to walk around the lake twice most of the time.

"It's weird you know? Every year he was there studying with me. I passed all the important exams that way. Even my first year of college, I went home as often as I could. It was really weird last year when I was studying for finals and he wasn't there. I'm not one of those people that get lonely when they're by themselves, but suddenly studying just made me feel so empty. I guess I've sort of gotten used to it now, but that kind of stuff is always in the back of my mind."

But I was weak. I dropped my gaze to my fidgeting hands for the last bit.

"It's been really nice these last few weeks. Having someone to study with…" I was practically whispering now and my voice was shaking.

"It's been nice for me too, Bella. It means a lot to me to have someone to talk to like this." He grabbed my hand, squeezed my fingers and then let it go.

My heart was racing, and the butterflies were crashing against my insides. But my head told me to focus on my mission. I waited and waited. I wanted him to at least tell me something about his grandmother in return, like he used to the first few times. But he didn't. He didn't say anything more for a long time. We just kept walking. And then when he brought up that obscure philosopher again, my heart plummeted.

It didn't work.

What the hell was I going to do now?

Maybe I just needed to be more direct. I cut him off again.

"Edward." There was conviction in my voice. That was rare. It obviously caught Edward off-guard because he stopped walking.

"Yeah, Bella?" He looked so surprised. I guess I came off as timid as I felt most of the time.

"Edward. I really like talking with you and I don't mind discussing depressing things, but… but I don't think this is helping either of us."

"What are you saying?" He looked so hurt I wanted to take it all back. But I couldn't. This needed to be said.

"This isn't going to work, Edward. We're not going to come up with an answer, no matter how many philosophers you read. There aren't only thoughts and ideas here. There's feelings too. And you're not talking about them. I don't know how you are with your real friends… maybe you just don't want to talk about that stuff with me. But I think you should at least talk to someone else about it. Ignoring them won't make them go away. I don't want to lecture you on how you should cope with things in your life, but I just don't think this way will work."

Please understand. _Please._

"Ok. I'm sorry, Bella. Let's just talk about something else." He turned around and started walking back towards the library.

He didn't understand.

I tried to keep up with him but he was practically running away from me now. "No, Edward, wait. I didn't mean that. We can still talk about this stuff whenever you want. Just not only this stuff. Tell me something about your grandmother. About how you're feeling. Please, Edward."

He turned around and glared at me with such hatred, I froze mid-step. "No, Bella, it's fine, don't worry about it. I don't want you to waste your time on someone who isn't even one of your _real friends_."

"What?" I was so shocked. Is that why he was so upset? Because I had said we weren't friends? Was I supposed to say we were? Were we? I couldn't just assume we were friends. I thought that would make me look like a stalker or something, clinging to him just because he talked to me occasionally. I just stood there looking at him stupidly.

"You don't even think of me as your friend, Bella? What am I then? Just your latest charity project?"

Oh god. I was just like them. He thought I was just talking to him because I felt sorry for him. Shit. This was such a disaster. I really needed to fix this somehow.

I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and tried to be honest with him. This could be our last conversation.

"No, Edward, that's not it. I wasn't sure if we're friends or not. I mean I don't know all that much about you. I don't even know your last name."

That seemed to make him impossibly angrier. He looked livid. "It's Cullen. What else do you want to know? I realize we missed a lot of the small talk questions Bella, but I just thought you were like me and that stuff didn't matter to you. I mean… God, Bella! I told you something I'm deeply ashamed of that night. I told you about my grandmother, something I've never told anyone else. After that, who the hell cares if you don't know my last name?"

Hang on – wasn't that my argument?

"I…I…" I had no idea what to say. "I'm sorry, Edward. I actually completely agree. I just… I wanted to be your friend, but I just wasn't sure…"

_Don't cry._ _Just don't cry._ I guess it had been so long since I felt like I had a real friend, I couldn't recognize the signs anymore.

"And I know I've been a little pre-occupied lately." His eyes softened and so did his tone. He sighed and sat down on a nearby bench. "I understand what you're saying. I know I've been getting stuck in my thoughts a lot. I didn't mean to make you feel like I was just using you." He dropped his head into his hands. "This stuff just sort of hit me all at once."

I sat down next to him and put my hand on his shoulder. "I know. I was just trying to help. I don't know what to do and I don't want to say the wrong thing. But I definitely want to be your friend." The butterflies grew anxious with that last bold statement. "I mean, if you want…"

At that, Edward turned into my side and wrapped his arms around me, hugging me tightly. This was the closest I had been to another person in a long time. It was terrifying and wonderful at the same time. I felt both nervous and content at the same time. The butterflies didn't know what the hell to do anymore.

"I'd like that, Bella. Friends," Edward murmured over my shoulder.

"Friends." I smiled and wrapped my arms around him in return, resting my head on his warm shoulder.

Friends with Edward Cullen. It was more than I could ever hope for. I just hoped I was still capable of being a good friend. Someone who could help him out of the hole, not just pull him in with me.


	8. A Tremendous Moment

**Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. Another Nietzsche quote in this one...**

* * *

I was now officially friends with Edward Cullen. Wow. That felt… kind of surreal. I guess I was still getting used to it. I was making it up as I went along – like I did with pretty much everything. I still wasn't sure whether getting closer to Edward was a good idea – for me, and more importantly, for him. This last week, watching him retreat from the world and fade before my eyes, had been agonizing. Being honest and opening up to him made _me_ feel better, but what did it do to _him_? I definitely didn't want him to start seeing the world the way I did. I would never forgive myself if I made him as miserable as I was. But at the same time, I really didn't have the strength to stay away from him. Selfish. Disgusting. _That's me._

I just needed to walk a thin line with Edward and be careful with what I let myself tell him. I looked for the middle ground again. Maybe as long as I kept an eye on his behavior I could help keep him from changing into me.

These thoughts had kept me up most of the night. I finally gave up on the idea of sleep. I couldn't bear to just lie in bed helplessly. I needed at least the delusion that I was doing something.

That was about 20 minutes ago. Right now I was in a very familiar spot: staring at myself in that mirror again. I wanted so badly to just look away and bury myself in my carefree fantasies, or better yet, to just smash the damn thing. But this is what Edward saw every time he looked at me. He saw my scruffy, unkempt appearance every time. He saw minimum attention, minimum effort. And this last week I had started to see it in him too. His appearance had started to deteriorate as he retreated further and further into his thoughts. I didn't like it when I saw it in him. It scared me. I didn't like seeing him giving up. So why should I tolerate it in myself?

_Because it's too damn late for you. There's no point. _

I couldn't argue with that. But still – _Edward_ saw this every time he looked at me. Was he following my example this last week? Or was I just reading too much into things? Was he embarrassed when people saw us together?

I was going around in circles. I couldn't decide whether I should try to make myself look a little more presentable. I always dressed casually and I only did my hair and make-up for special occasions. That was just the way it was for me. I had never had anyone I really wanted to impress before. Would I be forfeiting a part of myself if I tried to change that now? Was I ready to start trying again?

I really had no idea. How the hell was I supposed to know any of this crap anyway? So I tried to stick to the things I did know.

1. Edward sees me like this all the time.

2. I didn't want Edward picking up any of my negative qualities.

3. This last week he started letting his appearance go.

4. I didn't like it. (Not that he still didn't look beautiful. He just started to look more like _me_ and I hated that.)

Ok that settled it. I needed to be more careful with what I allowed Edward to see and hear from me. Starting with my appearance. But…

5. I had never been the girly type. I'd never spent hours getting ready or putting on war paint. And this was one of the few things about myself I liked.

So I guess I would just have to compromise.

I took a shower that morning. It was still early – hopefully I didn't wake up everyone on my floor. Then I actually blow dried my hair properly and fussed with the waves a little to make them sit right on my shoulders. I was definitely out of practice. I felt like a 12 year old again learning about makeup and hair styles for the first time. But the end result was fairly satisfactory. At least my hair looked better than it usually did.

I decided to forego make-up. One step at a time. _I think I'll leave that treat for tomorrow… or next week. _The only make-up I owned was some foundation and some eye-liner anyway. I couldn't wait to go shopping and buy some new stuff! _Yeah right._

I dressed in my usual jeans, picked out a nice clean white shirt and went to look at myself in the mirror again. I looked a little preppy maybe, a little geeky… but I definitely looked better than I usually did.

_Better._ That was good enough for now. And the whole thing hadn't taken that long. I could live with this.

As it turns out I probably need not have bothered since it was so windy today. My hair was being whipped around in different directions and eventually I gave up trying to keep it out of my face. Let the wind play with it. I would just enjoy the sensation now and worry about how tangled it was later. It felt nice. I took my scarf off so I could feel the wind dancing on my neck too. I tilted my face upwards and closed my eyes for a few seconds, letting my feet lead me to my lecture room. They knew the way.

It was just one of those moments when I feel at peace. My thoughts stop buzzing around uselessly in my head. My body relaxes and comes alive. Then I can feel my surroundings. I feel connected to the wind, the rustling sound of the trees. The gulps of cold morning air feel colder. The wind running through my hair feels almost like another's touch. I don't know how to explain these moments but that's why they are so damn precious. No explanations, no reasoning, no thinking. Just feeling. Those moments _are_ my life. The rest was just the commentary in between.

A few years ago I read some of Nietzsche's philosophy. I stumbled across this one passage which I can still recite verbatim:

"What if a demon were to creep after you one night, in your loneliest loneliness, and say, 'This life which you live must be lived by you once again and innumerable times more; and every pain and joy and thought and sigh must come again to you, all in the same sequence. The eternal hourglass will again and again be turned and you with it, dust of the dust!' Would you throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse that demon? Or have you once experienced a tremendous moment, in which you would you answer him: 'Thou art a god, and never have I heard anything more divine!'"

Since then, I had been thinking endlessly about that one "tremendous moment". I didn't think that I had experienced it yet. But I still had hope I might find a moment like that one day. Just one. One moment that makes your whole life – all the pretenses, all the misery, all the boredom - worth it. Since it doesn't necessarily have to include other people – it could just be one moment of pure peace or clarity or insight – since I only needed me for it, I still had hope.

Ok this moment wasn't it – but it was still pleasant walking down the street, playing with the wind.

"Bella! Bella, wait up!" Someone was calling _my_ name? Nah – can't be. There must be another Bella at Dartmouth, it wasn't exactly a unique name. That lullaby voice sounded familiar though… maybe my fantasies had turned into full blown hallucinations.

But then why was the voice tugging on _my_ jacket sleeve?

I found myself suddenly staring at Edward through the tangled strands of hair across my face. I could only see bits of his face through my hair. To say I was surprised was an understatement. And I guess I must have looked it because Edward snickered at me and then reached up with both his hands to smooth the rebellious strands of hair away from my face. I couldn't help myself. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to enjoy the feeling of his fingers lingering on my face. I had been in one of my moments, just seconds before and it made everything feel that much more intense as he carefully placed each lock back in place and tried to fix my parting. It just felt like such an intimate gesture – _well it did to me_. There was just something about letting someone touch your hair and touching theirs. I certainly fantasized about running my fingers through his hair daily.

I opened my eyes to see him smiling at me. Smiling back was pretty much automatic now. I didn't even have to think about it anymore, like I did with other people.

"You scared me," I mumbled.

His smile grew wider. "Well, I'm sorry but it's not my fault you are exceptionally unobservant. Didn't you hear me calling you?" He sounded so cheerful. This last week he always sounded so tired. I really had missed those cute little wrinkles at the corner of his mouth when it pulled up into his crooked smile. But the best part was the spark in his eyes. He looked alive again today. Thank God! _I wonder why he was in such a good mood this morning…_

"I guess not," I replied, only half-paying attention to his words because I was so distracted by his eyes.

A blonde boy next to him cleared his throat and we both turned to look at him.

"Oh right, sorry. Bella, this is my friend Mike. Mike _Newton_." He pronounced Mike's last name slowly like he was speaking to someone with a learning disability. And the full-on smirk was back.

Was he…? He was! The cocky bastard was teasing me!

I wanted to say something snarky back but I was now painfully aware of Mike staring at me. So I just rolled my eyes and gave Mike a timid smile, breaking eye contact as soon as I felt I could without being rude.

Mike said something to Edward then and we started walking to our lecture together. I tried to participate in the conversation but his friend made me nervous. I was so used to just being alone with Edward all the time. It was strange being with him and other people at the same time. I also welcomed the opportunity to get a closer look at Edward. His hair was messy but it looked less unruly than yesterday. The bags were gone from under his eyes – it looked like he had gotten a good night's sleep finally. Good. He definitely needed it. And his shirt was lying smoothly across his chest. I tried to just note the fact that he had ironed it and not let myself ogle him in public.

And just like that I took another step forward.

This became the new routine over the next few days. I would wait outside Edward's dorm building for him on those days when we both had class. We exchanged phone numbers so we could let each other know if we were running late. And then we would walk together. Me, Edward and Mike. I hoped that I got a little better at making conversation with Mike but I was still shy and quiet around him. But Mike did sometimes sleep in and then it was just the two of us. It was much easier to be myself when it was just Edward.

They both moved down one seat so I could sit next to Edward instead of behind him. And at the end of class Edward would wait for me and we would walk back together, eventually ending up in a café or the library. He didn't spend every minute of every day with me like he had last week. He still had a life – other friends to spend time with, family to visit. But he was still a regular part of my routine and it was wonderful. The steps felt like such a natural progression. I didn't feel like I was forcing anything with Edward. That's not to say that I was always comfortable around him – far from it. But it was easier than I thought it would be and that was something.

The best part was that his good mood seemed to last. He wasn't turning into a ghost anymore. We still discussed death and any other depressing things on our minds but at least he was talking more about his feelings now. _God I am such a girl._

I hoped it was getting easier for him. It was getting harder for me. Even though the deaths I kept thinking about had happened more than a year ago now, I had been doing exactly the same thing I accused Edward of: ignoring my feelings. Now in what had started as an attempt to help Edward, I was suddenly helping myself too. Talking about my feelings. Letting myself actually feel them for once. And hopefully, eventually, some day, maybe accepting them and moving on.

And we started talking about other things – we definitely were not just study partners anymore. He seemed to really enjoy teasing me. Every now and again he'd start telling me random facts about himself: his middle name, what his favorite color was, what high school he went to. And then during the day he would sporadically quiz me on what he'd told me. Most of it was random information. He was deliberately telling me things he thought were boring and revealed nothing about his personality, but I was hanging on to his every word. Of course he never told me the one thing I was constantly wondering about – did he have a girlfriend?

I was pretty sure he was waiting for me to get something wrong. _Good luck with that_.

And then, one Saturday morning when we were sitting on the library steps talking before we headed in to study, he finally caught me.

"What color socks was I wearing yesterday?"

"Black," I responded, with a smirk of my own. That was an easy one.

"What was the name of my high school English teacher?"

Crap. I didn't know. He noticed my hesitation and pounced immediately.

"Bella, how could you? I thought we were friends! How could you not know?" His hand was over his heart, his lips in a mock pout. He was really laying it on thick. But he looked so happy…

"Are you sure you told me that in the first place?" I narrowed my eyes at him.

"Are you suggesting I would trick you? You, my _friend_?" He sulked, in a pretend-hurt tone.

Sneaky bastard. I shook my head at him and decided to fight back a little before he could really get going with his melodramatic performance.

"Come on, Edward. It's not so ridiculous. You think your friend Mike would have been amused if you didn't know his last name? I admit I was partly wrong but I was also partly right and you know it."

"Oh yeah. You were absolutely right. I know I feel much closer to you now that I know your favorite breakfast cereal is Rice Krispies." He nudged me playfully with his elbow and I just rolled my eyes at him. I had been doing that a lot lately. But his good mood was infectious.

"I'm just teasing, Bella." His tone suddenly turned serious. "You are partly right. And there are some things about you I'd like to know."

_Oh shit._ I should have seen that coming. Talk about manipulation! By agreeing with me he made the whole thing seem like it was my idea. How the hell was I supposed to get out of this now?

"My socks are green today. I can't remember what color socks I wore yesterday." Maybe I could use humor to distract him.

"Thanks for telling me that, Bella. But actually I had some other questions in mind." Maybe not.

_Crap._ _What am I going to do now?_ My entire body was rigid, waiting for his questions. Was this the moment when I would reveal just how much of a freak I was? Would he still want to be my friend when he got to know the real me better, when he found out some of the facts? Like the fact that I didn't have many friends and stayed in every night. The fact that I was a complete geek and a loser.

"Don't worry, I'll start off slow. Ok?" I could hear the determination in his voice. I looked down at my shoes and nodded. I would just tell half-truths like I always did. I wasn't ready for my friendship with Edward to come to a screeching halt just yet. With some luck, he would take my words at face value and let it drop.

He did start off slow. He asked me about my favorite foods and places I had visited for a while. I could mostly get away with one word answers. So far so good. But when he started speaking in a quieter voice I knew he was going to start pushing me. I wondered how long I could last before I pushed back.

"What was your dog's name?"

I wrinkled my forehead in confusion. That wasn't a difficult question for me but I could see why he would think it was.

"Theo, but I also called him Teddy sometimes."

"Why do you always sit at the front in lectures instead of with your friends Jessica and Lauren at the back?" He sounded curious more than anything else, but I could feel myself getting defensive.

"It's just easier to pay attention when I sit at the front. _You_ sit at the front. You know I've never understood just what is so uncool about it?!" Ok I was a lot defensive. I immediately regretted my harsh tone when I saw the surprised, almost-hurt look on his face. He hadn't meant it that way and I knew it. I cut him off before he could tell me that himself. "Ugh. Sorry, Edward. That came out wrong." I looked back down at my shoes. "I'm not really that close with Jessica and Lauren so I prefer to sit at the front. I just… I prefer to keep to myself most of the time."

This was exhausting. My muscles felt sore from feeling on edge for so long. I think Edward could see it too because he tried to lighten things up with his next question.

"Ok here's an easy one. When is your birthday?"

Oh god. _Double crap!_ Why did he have to ask _that_? _What's wrong with me? I can't even get through a few simple questions like a normal person._

"You know what? You were absolutely right about our friendship, Edward. Who cares if you know when my birthday is?" I picked up my bag and tried to get up. I needed to walk around - I didn't care in what direction, I just needed to feel like I was doing something other than just sitting there obediently while he interrogated me. But of course, Edward grabbed my arm and stopped me. This is the problem with being friends with people. When you give them that title, they feel permitted to start pushing you into telling them things you don't want to tell them.

"I care. Come on, Bella. What's wrong?"

I knew he was just trying to help, but he kept pushing and pushing. He just wouldn't let it go and it was really pissing me off. He kept moving his head, denying me a moment's clarity of thought as I unsuccessfully attempted to break his gaze. Eventually annoyance won out. "All right, fine," I snapped at him. I gave in and finally told him the date.

"But Bella… that was three days ago!" He was shocked. Good. Maybe he'd shut the hell up now.

"And?" I was angry and annoyed with him.

"Bella, I was with you studying in the library that day! Why didn't you tell me?" He was the angry one now.

Why hadn't I told him? I had almost told him a few times that day – did that count? Judging by Edward's frustrated expression, I guessed not.

Since I had started college, I usually spent my birthdays alone. My parents would always call, but because I hadn't told any of my "friends" here at college, no one else mentioned it. I didn't tell them because I didn't want them to feel obligated to throw me a party or buy me a gift. There's nothing more painful than opening gifts from your friends only to realize how little they actually know you. Of course, the fact they didn't know me was my fault but still…

I never did anything special. I would walk around, listen to my Ipod, read a good book. It was peaceful. If I told other people, I would have to spend time with them and then it would be stressful, like every other day of the year. This year I was friends with Edward though. We had spent that day in the library, getting dinner in the evening and just talking. It was the best birthday ever. So why didn't I tell him when he had made it so clear that he considered me his friend? I guess I still didn't believe he really liked spending time with me. I know it sounds ridiculous but old habits die hard. Being friends with him meant constantly going against my instincts and trying to change the way I had thought about things for years. It wasn't easy. And I didn't want to fight myself on my birthday. I just wanted to enjoy my day with Edward.

"I don't know, Edward. I just don't like getting gifts or being the center of attention. I don't like to make a fuss. It's not a big deal. Don't worry about it." I shrugged, trying to play it off as nothing and hoping he would finally let it drop.

I should've known better. Edward was nothing if not thorough. And consequently, he could be a real pain in the *neck* sometimes.

"Bella, will you wait here for me for about twenty minutes?"

I was about to protest but he wasn't having any of it. "Just wait for me please. Twenty minutes. Please, Bella." He turned and started running away from me before I could respond.

_Great. _What was I supposed to do now? A part of me wanted to just leave, to punish him for pushing me so much today. But of course, I didn't leave. I sat there and waited for him like he asked me to. I tried to calm myself down. It wasn't his fault I was a freak. He was just trying to be nice.

He finally came back about half an hour later. His cheeks were pink and he was breathing heavily. How far did he run?

"Ok thirty minutes," he said in between gasps. "Here. Happy Birthday!" He shoved a plastic bag at me. "Sorry, I didn't exactly have time to wrap it."

Oh hell no! A gift? He had bought me a gift?

"Oh no, Edward. You _really_ _really_ didn't have to do this." I looked at the thing disapprovingly. Had I guilted him into this? I hoped he hadn't spent too much money on me.

"Bella, please. Just open it." He sat down next to me, catching his breath.

I looked inside the plastic bag cautiously and extricated some kind of book. Closer inspection revealed that it was a journal. A gorgeous journal. Not one with fancy pretentious covers. But one of those fine leather journals that look old and interesting. I couldn't wait to see it looking worn out from use.

I didn't know what to say. My mom usually bought me clothes or jewelry because she knew I would never buy such things for myself. My dad was completely clueless and normally just gave me money unless I asked him for something specific. And my friends gave me generic things because they didn't know any better. But this… this was something I actually wanted. It felt amazing getting something I wanted for my birthday without having to ask for it in advance.

"I saw that other journal you bring with you to the library and I figured you might need a new one eventually. That notebook you have is a journal, right? Do you like this one I bought for you? If you don't we can return it and pick out a different one. Or something else…" I guess I was making him nervous just sitting there staring at his beautiful gift. Edward had noticed my other journal? He had actually paid attention?!

I turned and smiled widely at him. "Yeah it is a journal. And I love this one. It's beautiful. Thank you so much." I kept stroking the leather cover. It felt so good beneath my fingers. Would it be weird to open it and smell the fresh pages?

"So do you like to write then?" He sounded amused, watching me fondling the journal.

"Um. No. Sort of. I mostly write down quotes I like. Or words or phrases that I find interesting. I did try to write some of my own stuff but… I don't know." _But I'm too much of a coward. _

"Why not? You should. I play the piano and I've started playing around with some tunes and composing my own songs. It's incredibly therapeutic." He plays the piano too? Wow. Those ink-stained fingers gently dashing across the keys… Wow. That just opened up a plethora of new fantasies. _Oh crap, focus you idiot, he's waiting for you to say something back!_

"Um. Yeah, well I tried. I usually write the quote at the top of the page and then I write something about it in my own words underneath."

This was actually a very difficult subject for me. I couldn't even look him in the eyes as I replied. It was so embarrassing! I didn't want him anywhere near my writing. I didn't even want him to see what quotes I had chosen to write down. They said a hell of a lot about me. A hell of a lot I wasn't ready to share yet, if ever.

"Have you ever tried writing your own story?" He was becoming much too curious about this. But he had just bought me this beautiful gift… so I took a deep breath and kept trying to be honest with him.

"Err. Once." I could almost hear him raise his eyebrows, encouraging me to continue.

"I err… I have trouble making up plots. Or even characters. Most of the stuff I write is just thoughts on a particular topic or a description of some object I find interesting. But I did try one day. I had this whole plan before I chickened out."

"What was the plan?"

I really didn't want to continue. _Embarrassing._ But he sounded so genuinely interested that it kept me talking.

"I um. I was going to go to the park and pick a stranger. And then just start describing him and what I thought he was thinking and where I thought he would go after he left. And see if that could turn into some kind of short story. But err… I don't know. I never did it. It just felt too pathetic." Did _he_ think it was pathetic?

"Bella, no. You have to do it. You have to try. Come on, we'll go right now."

I stared at him wide-eyed.

"What? Go where?" He had such a determined look on his face… I don't mind admitting I was more than a little scared. He suddenly stood up, grabbing my wrist and pulling me up with him.

"Come on, we'll go to the park right now and I'll sit on a different bench and be your stranger." As he said this, he started pulling us down the street.

"Err… Edward. I don't know about this." I tried to slow us down a bit by providing some kind of resistance, but he was a lot stronger than me and apparently really excited about this.

"What do you mean you don't know? This was _your_ idea – your plan!" His lips twitched a little and I thought for a moment his smirk might make a reappearance.

"Not exactly the plan," I mumbled under my breath but kept pace with him. God he was so pushy!

When we got to the park, I found a suitable looking tree and sat down slowly on the ground, tentatively resting my back against the bark. He didn't sit down but hovered awkwardly.

"How far away do you want me?"

He sounded so oddly excited.

"Err… about that…"

"Stop that. You're doing it, all right? Just tell me where to sit," he cut me off impatiently. _Pushy._ Not that I didn't need to be pushed but still…

"Ok on one condition."

"Name it."

"You're not reading this until I decide it's ready." Which would be never but he didn't need to know that.

He didn't look convinced. "How will I know you're really writing your own stuff?"

I tilted my head and threw his own words back at him. "Are you suggesting I would trick you? You, my _friend_?"

He chuckled but didn't give up. "Come on, Bella. I won't laugh. I'll play you one of my songs if you'd like." Oh god that was tempting… Seeing my internal struggle play out on my face, the smirk returned. "We'll negotiate more later, all right? Now where should I sit?"

"Oh ok… not too far away. Over there." I pointed to another tree nearby. He moved to place himself where I indicated, but he stopped when he noticed my hand. I had reached out, as if to touch him, but had stopped myself in time. My arm was still awkwardly stretched out about two-thirds of the way.

I started to explain in response to his puzzled look. "Can I… err… could you mess up your hair a little more? I just want to be able to write about my stranger's untamed, messy hair… I was planning on picking a stranger with messy hair…" I trailed off. God why does everything I say sound so moronic?

He smiled and lowered his head. "Please. Style it any way you like."

Talk about a moment worth repeating your life over and over for! Ok maybe this wasn't it either. But it sure was closer than I had ever been before. His hair was so soft. I wanted to sink my fingers into it and just play with it all day. But I couldn't do that. I tried to keep my touch as casual and friend-like as possible. I just reached for two handfuls of his soft locks and shook my hands. I could hear Edward's quiet chuckle and I grinned like an idiot who had just won the lottery. When I was done "styling" his hair it looked crazy and interesting and hilarious. I wanted to burn this picture of Edward into my heart. He was smiling up at me, laughing, and his crazy hair sticking up in every direction. I smiled back at him and pushed him away gently.

He went to sit by the tree I had pointed out earlier and made a big show out of being a "stranger". I just rolled my eyes at him, opened up my new journal and started writing. It felt fitting that the very first page would be a description of Edward.


	9. It Might Have Been

**Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. The quote at the end is from **_**More Fables**_** by George Ade. **

* * *

Having Edward be my "stranger" was a curious experience. I got to sit there and look at him as much as I wanted. It was exactly like that first day in the lecture room, except this time he knew that I was thinking and writing about him. He had even volunteered to pose for me, so to speak. I think it was the first time a part of me didn't feel sick and perverted over my interactions with Edward. I had definitely felt like a freaky stalker in lectures when I used to stare at the back of his head. A part of me still felt guilty about the way I had "met" him. Is it something I should tell him? Did he deserve to know? But how the hell would I explain it?

I pushed these thoughts to the back of my mind. This was _my_ day, dammit. My chance to try writing something longer than a paragraph for myself. I could hardly have asked for a more inspiring topic. My pen scribbled furiously across the page, trying to keep up with my mind, and it felt like I was emptying my head of all those annoying thoughts that had been murmuring in the background since the day I had met him, like pouring all my thoughts in a jar, leaving my mind blissfully empty for a moment.

For the most part I tried to stick to my plan.

1. Pick a stranger: check (I couldn't help but smile quietly again over how that had happened.)

2. Describe him: That had been fun… I read over what I had written so far. If anyone ever read this (and I planned on doing everything in my power to ensure no one ever did), they probably wouldn't even know I was talking about Edward. It didn't describe the color of his hair or his body-type or all the obvious things one looks for in a description. It was just a list of random little things about him that had caught my eye: his now chaotic hair (smile) and how he ran his fingers through it; his thoughtful eyes and expression; the way he leaned his back casually against the tree, like it was the most comfortable seating arrangement in the world; the worn in bag resting next to him. The list goes on.

I guess according to normal standards it wasn't much of a description, since it didn't leave you with an idea of what he looked like. But… But it was how I saw him. I toyed with the idea of adding some of the typical things – like hair color or height, but it seemed pointless. Who the hell cared? No one was going to read this anyway.

3. Describe what he might be thinking right now: This had been much harder. It was exactly like that first day in the lecture room, except this time I knew him. Or at least, I knew him a little better. He was still an unknown entity. I had a feeling that he always would be, but that was exciting in a way. Some people are so predictable; he never was. I certainly would never have predicted that he would drag me off to the park to fulfill a fantasy I had nurtured for god knows how long.

Was he thinking about me right now? And how silly this whole thing was? What if he was wondering how much longer he would have to sit there, dying of boredom before he could suggest we call it a day without being rude? He certainly looked deep in thought. _Bella, you idiot, you should have at least given him a book or something. _The worst case scenario was that he felt obligated to do this, to sit there. That thought had spurred me on to write faster… just in case.

4. Describe where I thought he would go after he left: Hmm…

What did the future hold for Edward Cullen? Would his future include me? Would we still be friends a year from now? Ten years from now? Or would we slowly drift apart until I became a stranger to him again, my friendship with Edward just a passing moment in my life, a nice memory to remember from time to time?

What did the future hold for Edward Cullen? I know this will sound curious, but I didn't think it really mattered. Edward was one of those people who looked like they'd be all right no matter what life threw at them. Unbreakable. Sure, he might get distracted and veer off course every now and again but he would find his way. Even that week when all his thoughts of death had hit him at once and I had called him on it… he would've been just fine without me. Eventually. Maybe I saved him from another week of that shit, maybe just a few days. I'd take anything I could get.

It wasn't just his obvious confidence, his comfort in his own skin. It was something more than that. And it wasn't some shit about having a positive attitude all the time. Please. What crap! He was serious and cynical sometimes; he didn't have some fluffy philosophy about how things always work out in the end. No, it was much simpler than that. He just trusted himself. He wasn't scared of life, even if he didn't always like it. He trusted his thoughts and his emotions and he let them lead him. He just seemed to know what he wanted out of life. Not like me.

That was the one thing I could never figure out. What did I want? Every time I thought I had reached some kind of decision about what I wanted, the worst would happen – I would get it. And then… Well then I would realize what a big mistake I had made, that I didn't want it all. And how the hell was anyone supposed to know what they want in advance, without intimate knowledge of all the possibilities? Just because it _feels _right? Because it makes sense to _you_? My feelings had so often betrayed me it was a mystery why I factored them into my decisions at all anymore. What a joke. What a stupid, unfunny, fucking hilarious joke! It was almost enough to convince me of the existence of some grand creator – how else could life be so fucking funny if not by design?

The inevitable feelings of resentment and despair washed over me. I didn't want them to taint the picture of Edward I had just created so I closed my journal and just sat there looking at it for a while, frowning. This whole thing had been a bad idea.

_No. No it wasn't. It was a wonderful gesture on Edward's part. He literally made one of your dreams come true you ungrateful fool!_

Ok, so it was good and bad, like everything else. It was good because I had finally done it. Carried out the plan. Lived the fantasy. And it felt damn good to finally take action, and with Edward leading the way no less, sharing this experience with me.

But it was bad because I had finally done it. Carried out the plan. Lived the fantasy. And I'm not saying it wasn't fun. It was. But it wasn't as good as it had been in my head. I was no author. I couldn't get my thoughts on Edward's demeanor down exactly as I wanted them. I couldn't find the perfect word to describe Edward's hair. It was filled with clumsy spelling and grammar mistakes. It was just another mediocre attempt by a mediocre girl. I felt like I had butchered my fantasy when I had tried to put it into my inexperienced words and now, now that it was all over and my journal was closed, the fantasy was gone too. I couldn't lay in bed anymore, daydreaming about the day I would attempt to write my first story. That day was done. One of the dreams that made my life a little more bearable was done. Gone. It was bittersweet.

* * *

I felt exhausted and my mood was balancing on a knife's edge. I was in some weird inbetween-ness right now, butit wouldn't last. I would fall off one edge and soon.

I got up slowly and went to stand by Edward to let him know I was done with the whole writing thing. He heard me approaching him and smiled up at me. "How was it? Can I read it?" God, he sounded so innocently curious and excited, smiling crookedly at me. It pushed me over and I settled definitively into my unhappy mood now. He had done this for me and I had let him down. My writing was a dismal failure. He could never read it - I wouldn't be able to bear the look of disappointment on his face when he did.

"Oh, Bella. What happened? You were so happy an hour ago." And now he was frowning too. Great. Fucking perfect. I had messed up a little bit more.

"Nothing happened. It was great." Unfortunately it was too late to plaster a smile on my face, which was exactly what I should've done in the first place. Edward looked at me suspiciously, a hint of frustration in his expression. He never seemed to believe me. Where had all my good acting skills disappeared to?

"Sit." As he said this, he started reaching towards my wrist to pull me down, but he didn't need to. I sat down next to him obediently, looking down at the grass in shame. I couldn't bear to look into those hopeful, trusting eyes. He shifted a little, making room for me so I could rest my back against the tree too.

"It was just the first try, Bella. All right? Just for fun, no big deal." I let him down and now he was going to try to cheer me up? Ugh.

I sighed, leaning my head back against the bark and Edward copied me, his hair resting softly against mine, some of the errant strands tickling the side of my face. He was probably waiting for me to say something or offer some kind of explanation but I couldn't, even if I wanted to. How do you explain to someone that you've just had one of the best and worst moments of your entire life? So instead I just sat there, listening to his quiet breathing, trying to cheer myself up for now. It was only polite to wait until I got back to my room to be as depressed as I wanted to be.

He waited and I kept quiet. And then he waited some more. And I kept quiet some more. I almost wished he would yell at me or punish me or something. Anything but his comfort and support. It just made me feel worse. I felt so guilty.

"I'm sure it's not as bad as you think. At least you tried right? What is it they say about how the times you regret the most aren't the ones where you tried and failed but those times you never even tried at all? '_Of all Sad Words of Tongue or Pen, the Saddest are these: It Might Have Been._'" He recited it like it was some magic formula and I snapped. The word came out before I could stop myself.

"Bullshit."

It sounded so loud, clinging to the air, refusing to fade out. When I realized what I had said, I was mortified. It had been a long time since I had lost control like that in front of someone else and just snapped at them.

I made to get up but Edward grabbed my hand and held it tightly with both of his in his lap. His hands were so warm while mine felt like ice. "Explain please." He tightened his grip and the pressure was reassuring; I knew he wasn't going to let go.

Fuck it. I was tired and frustrated and upset. So I let it all out. I told him exactly what I thought of that damn quote and where he could shove it.

"I always regret the things I did more than the things I didn't do. Those times when I'm a complete fucking idiot and I know better but I try anyway. It's just stupid. It never works out the way I want it to. It's always the same. _I'm_ always the same. I always fuck up… always. And then you don't even have the comfort of 'it might have been' because you know exactly how badly things went and it's impossible to pretend otherwise. It's just moronic to keep listening to them and their 'try, try, try again' crap. Sometimes it's right to give up. Sometimes it's smart to give up… Try. Try. Try. No thank you. I'm tired of all their shit. All their clichés and their pretty sayings…their pretty, useless sayings... Tired. I'm so tired; I'm fucking exhausted already." It was all coming out uncensored now and not even in proper sentences.

Edward just sat there listening to me, keeping a firm grip on my hand. As I started getting more and more visibly upset, he began rubbing his thumb in circles over the back of my hand. I tried to calm myself down by focusing on the regular pattern he was tracing.

Eventually my harsh words died out. I almost wanted to keep talking. I knew that an awkward silence would follow. I scowled at the grass and started pulling some of it out with my free hand.

"Bella, Bella. I thought you were a cynic." Did he really sound… amused right now? This was funny to him?

"I am. Obviously." I looked up at him confused and irritated that he had chosen this of all moments to tease me. I didn't understand. Of course I was a cynic. Did he not hear my rant just now? Could it have been any more fucking cynical?

Then he actually laughed at me. _Prick._

"No. You're an idealist. A very disappointed one. Your expectations are way too high. Unnaturally high." His voice softened then and he looked at me intensely. "You're way too hard on yourself. You need to relax a little more."

I scoffed. Well thank you Einstein! "No shit, really? Relax? That's all? That's like telling a starving man he just needs to eat a little more." That made Edward laugh again and I went back to taking all my frustration out on the grass. I didn't like that he found this amusing. I had finally opened up to him, let him in on my unfiltered thoughts and he wasn't even taking me seriously. Another disastrous mistake. He just dismissed my feelings like they were ridiculous – not even worthy of discussion or comment. He might as well have slapped me. He was just like them and suddenly I didn't feel like I was the most disgusting person around anymore.

"See there's another regret over something I did." That cut his laughter off abruptly. _Good._ The grip he had on my hand started to feel suffocating now and I tried to get it back but he still wouldn't let it go.

"Bella, no, I'm sorry. I wasn't laughing _at_ you, I swear." He looked at me, his eyes pleading for me to understand. "I've just never seen you get so worked up over anything. You're always so… careful… and seeing you mad and fuming, you just looked so ado- so different. And I reacted without thinking. I'm sorry."

This was a whole new kind of debate for us. And even though he had technically apologized, I knew it wasn't over. Not by a long shot. His apology didn't make any sense anyway and I planned on telling him just that.

But before I could, he brought my hand up to his lips and kissed my knuckles. His lips felt so soft against my hand that I barely felt them. "I'm so sorry." He murmured against my skin, sending shivers down my spine.

Well now that was just cheating. Whatever snarky reply I had prepared was immediately forgotten. He turned to look at me again and the only thought running through my head now was that he was close. He was so close. Our faces were just inches apart.

_Too close._ Oh God. Fuck. _Run. Run. Run._

Way too close. What the hell had I done? This was too intimate. It was too close. I needed to get out of here right now. His grip on my hand had loosened and I pulled it back immediately, getting up so quickly I swayed a little. The only thing I could think about was getting as far away from this situation as possible.

"Let's agree to disagree. I'm starving." I picked my bag up off the floor, getting ready to run out of this damn park. Edward looked oddly hurt but my brain was too panicked to do more than just acknowledge that fact. Whatever it meant, I would worry about it later. I was in survival mode right now. I had been really reckless today, letting my thoughts spill out of my mouth unedited and then letting him take my hand like that. I needed to come up with a new plan to stop this sort of thing from ever happening again. And then I needed a backup plan and another backup plan just in case.

I barely registered the fact that Edward agreed and I impatiently watched him gather his stuff and get up. He was finally ready to leave and we started walking. I shoved my hands in my pockets where they would be safe.

**

* * *

A/N: Hi. Sorry this took so long. The chapters are getting harder to write now that we're getting further in to the story and Bella is starting to confront some of her issues. Her freaking out about the whole writing fantasy is supposed to explain a little how she thinks of her fantasies – she doesn't act on them not only because she's a coward but also because she thinks that acting them out kills them. And she still sees her relationship with Edward as one of her fantasies… so you can see why she might be hesitant to take things further. **

**Also, I now have a beta: thequietlife so the quality of this story should hopefully improve. Many thanks to her for helping me with this.**

**Thanks for reading.**


	10. Get up

**Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. So it starts off angsty but there is a light at the end of the tunnel…**

* * *

Edward started leading us in a certain direction and I followed him quietly, trying to remain calm while refining my new plan. I was so consumed by my own thoughts that I wasn't even paying attention to what he was saying to me. That is, until something came out of his mouth that made me stop walking and stare at him in dismay. No… no, no, no.

"What did you say?" I demanded he repeat himself. Surely I had just heard him wrong.

"I said I know a good restaurant near by. Usually you need a reservation but since it's still technically early for dinner, I think we might be able to get in." He looked at me curiously, obviously puzzled by my severe reaction.

Shit. He wanted to go to a fancy eat-in restaurant now? _Today_? I was already a nervous wreck; this was the last thing I needed today.

"Actually, I'm not very hungry. I'm kind of tired. I think I'd like to just go to bed and get some sleep. Maybe some other time." I tried to backtrack frantically. I already knew he wouldn't believe that I wasn't hungry but I was hoping he'd let me go back to my dorm room anyway. I really needed a break, to just be alone for a while and get myself together again.

_Let me go back, Edward. Please. _

"But you said you were starving. Come on, we have to do something special – it's your birthday!" He sounded so outraged, like I had said I wanted to go kill a puppy or something.

"No it's not. That was three days ago, remember?"

"Yeah, but we're celebrating it today. This is the second part of your birthday present. Please?"

He obviously wasn't going to back down. I had let someone get too close and now I was going to pay for it. He was starting to push me down a road I couldn't go. A much more intimate road that scared the hell out of me and my sheltered little heart. It was the beginning of the end of our friendship.

_Say no. Say no. Don't look him in the eyes and just say no for crying out loud._

"Ok."

_You idiot! You really are a masochist aren't you? _

I had meant to say no. I really, really had. But then I looked into those stupid green eyes. And they were innocent again. Innocently excited. Hopeful. I just couldn't bear to disappoint him again, not after I had ruined his nice gesture in the park earlier. I didn't want to see him frowning because of me. I wanted him to be happy. And he was happy right now. That much was obvious, even to me. But how the hell was I going to follow through with this?

"Great. You'll love this place, Bella. They have the most delicious spaghetti. You like Italian. I know you'll love it."

I started following him again and let him babble on excitedly, nodding and humming at what I hoped were appropriate intervals as I tried to come up with a plan. This wasn't a date, surely. No it couldn't be. But he had kissed my hand earlier… What the hell did that mean? What was he expecting from me? What would he want to talk about? Would he sit opposite me? What would he think of me as he watched me eat? Oh god. Crap. Crap. Crap.

I just couldn't stop asking myself questions and worrying over all the possible answers. I was so out of my element. The whole thing just seemed too formal and manipulative. It was them and all their crap. They make you dress up, go out to eat and sit there across from each other, assessing and judging. That's what Edward would be doing to me, sitting there, watching me, judging me. And I had no idea what criteria he would be using. How the hell am I supposed to pass his test if I don't know what I'm being tested on? And what was the fucking point of even taking his test? I knew I would fail. I'm not girlfriend material; I'm barely friend material. Even if he had no romantic feelings towards me, and I was absolutely certain he didn't (how could he? Hewasn't insane) the date-like situation would make him assess me in that light. I just knew those thoughts would be running through his head and I would have to sit there and watch his face while they did. I had been hoping that if I could avoid the usual tests with Edward – the friend test, the girlfriend test, they go on and on – I could prolong our relationship. I just wanted some more time with him before reality started sinking in.

I ran through all the coping mechanisms I had used with some success in the past, trying to see if one of them could help me. When I had to give presentations in class or talk to new people I created a persona for myself that I could take up, a character I could play. But Edward already knew me too well for something like that to work. He never believed me when I lied to him. He'd see through this and worse, he'd call me on it. The thought that I would have to be myself, to be myself while I put myself in such a vulnerable position, roused the butterflies in my stomach. I was starting to panic. I couldn't focus on what was going on around me. Next thing I knew, we were sitting opposite each other in the middle of an unfamiliar restaurant. It was early too, so I didn't even have the comforting buzz of a crowded room to hide behind. It wasn't silent, but we would have no trouble hearing each other. _Great._ My entire body was paranoid and alert, sitting up straight in the cushioned chair I didn't even remember sitting down in, all fucking vulnerable and feeling completely exposed. I felt like I was on a stage or something, in front of a live audience, and they had refused to give me my script but expected me to play my part anyway. The worst thing was Edward. He was sitting opposite me, looking at me kindly but expectantly. I could feel my confidence crumbling under the weight of his stare, his expectations… whatever they were.

_I can't do this._

He looked like he was about to say something and get this freak show of a non-date on the road and I couldn't let that happen. I'm not ready for this to happen. Not yet.

"I need to pee." I blurted it out before he could say anything. I was a little surprised I had actually said that to him. In the past and with other people I would always just say "I'll be right back." I mean, I know they know I have to use the toilet from time to time, like every other human being, but it just made me feel so embarrassed to admit it out loud. And now Edward knew I would be in the toilet, peeing. Not that I actually needed to pee right now, but still… That was not a mental image I wanted him to have. However, getting away from him was my priority right now.

I rushed away from the table, walking off in a random direction, before I realized I didn't know where the toilet was. I looked around for a waiter hysterically. I guess if Edward was watching, he'd think I really, _really_ needed to pee. Ugh. _Embarrassing_. Whatever, I'd worry about that later.

I was so single-minded that I didn't even feel afraid when I finally found a waiter and asked (more like demanded to know) where the toilet was. I mumbled a quick thank you as I half-ran in the direction he pointed me in.

At last I found it and locked myself in one of the stalls. The sound of the door locking, that nice loud _click_, was irrationally comforting. Thank God. I let out the breath I had been holding for God knows how long. Resting my forehead against the locked door, I tried to calm myself down. I didn't have much time before Edward got suspicious and I'd have to explain what I was doing for so long in here. Maybe I could tell him I was feeling ill. Surely he'd have to let me go back to my room then?

I felt safe in the small, cramped space. It was soothing. And at least Edward couldn't follow me in here.

Oh God.

What if he did?

That thought made my entire body stiff again and I could feel the panic rising up in my throat, suffocating me. Edward was going to see me like this. _Like this_. Oh God. Oh God. Not only was I going to fail his test but he would see me in this pathetic state, hiding like a goddamn coward. He would see me for what I really am: a cowering mess, a frightened little girl. I realized in that moment that I couldn't hide from him; that he would see it all.

I propped my back up against the side of the stall and let myself sink down. I folded my body inwards until I was twisted into a ball, my body as close to the corner where the two walls met as it could get. The panic was taking over my body completely now; I was losing control. I felt like I was trying to weld myself to the wall or something. My head was down and my arms were hugging my knees. No, that was definitely the wrong word. I don't think I know an appropriate word for what my arms were doing… clutching, clawing at my knees like I was trying to keep myself from falling apart or maybe trying to put myself back together. My head was trying to burrow into my arms, in an effort to stifle the pathetic sounds I was making as breathing became more difficult. I was losing control and I knew what was coming next.

The numbness.

It wasn't the fact that I was ridiculously afraid right now or that the position I had warped my body into was painful. It was that I could feel nothing else. I just felt so empty. There was just the present fear and pain and once that ended it seemed like there'd be nothing else. Just my stupid brain keeping a record as I went through the motions. '_A Partial Death'._

I was breathing heavily. My heart was thrashing against my ribcage as if it was trying to abandon ship, to just save itself while there was still time. My fists were clenched and my nails were digging painfully into my palms. I'd take the pain over the numbness any day.

I thought I was going to have a heart attack and die right here, cowering away in the fucking toilet. And then what? Edward would eventually say something to the waiter and they'd find me lying dead in here?

No.

No. _I don't fucking think so… not today._

I had to draw the line somewhere. I couldn't tolerate this. I was so sick of feeling these same feelings, over and over and over, and not doing anything about it. I was not going to let myself be _this_. This mess. Even if going back out there meant failing, meant only humiliating myself, even if it meant Edward would never talk to me again after he realized just how truly pathetic I am… fine. _Fine._ I would figure out some way to handle that later. But I was _not_ going to stay in here, hiding and trembling and cowering like a fucking child.

Get up, Bella. _Get the fuck up._

And I did.

I breathed a sigh of relief that I had at least managed that. I felt like I was regaining some measure of control over myself. I tried to talk myself through this. One step at a time. _I can do this. I can do this. I _will_ do this._

_Now unlock this door and walk out. Don't think about it. Just do it. _

And I did. My hands were shaking the entire time and it took me longer than it should have as I fumbled around with the lock, but at least I did it.

Next came my battle with the mirror.

I looked awful. Clammy and sweaty and disgusting. Even worse than I usually did. And there wasn't much I could do about it right now. I splashed some water on my face and tried to at least even out my breathing. Eventually I managed to calm myself down and I was just staring at myself in the mirror.

Could I really go out there and face Edward looking like this?

No.

Yes.

It didn't matter either way. Whatever was waiting for me on the other side of that door… it had to beat this. Anything was better than hiding in here in my constant state of defeat and dread. This was my rock bottom. The final straw. The breaking point. Whatever the fuck you want to call it, this was it.

And then I actually managed to walk out.

I was still shaking a little as I took my seat opposite Edward again but I knew I wasn't going anywhere this time.

I mumbled out a quick "sorry" and smiled at Edward apologetically. I really had no idea if I was gone longer than appropriate. Who knew what he thought of me now…

_Don't bring it up. Please, Edward. Just this once._

"No problem." He smiled at me crookedly and it looked like he meant it. I gave him the biggest, most idiotic grin back in thanks.

"So … um… the spaghetti is good here?" I grabbed the menu, grateful for the distraction.

It was awkward as hell to begin with. Awkward doesn't even begin to describe how I felt as I told our waitress my order. Because of-fucking-course we had a waitress instead of a waiter. And of course she was gorgeous. And blonde. And perfectly at ease, smiling and flirting with Edward as she told him her life story.

They actually looked pretty good together. Blonde and bronze. They matched. No one would wonder what he saw in her when they were together. I could see him getting married to someone like this blonde waitress some day. He'd move on and I would still be here, looking in from the outside, wondering about him and what he was doing. My brain immediately started conjuring images for me, images that made my eyes burn.

This stupid girl with her stupid blonde hair. I saw Edward running his fingers through that hair lovingly.

Her stupid tiny waist. I saw Edward playfully wrapping his arms around that waist from behind and pulling her closer to his body.

Her stupid red, perfectly manicured nails. I saw her running them down Edward's bare back as they made love in the evening.

Her stupid mouth. I saw Edward giving her a few chaste kisses before he left to go to work in the morning.

Her stupid brain. I saw Edward having long conversations with her into the early hours of the morning. Confiding in her. Because, of course, I was sure she wasn't actually stupid. Apparently she was at Dartmouth with us, working here part-time to make some extra money. You don't end up at Dartmouth unless you're smart. Yep, she was probably the complete package. She would obviously pass his tests, with fucking flying colors.

I couldn't bear to look at them after that so I just stared at my fidgeting hands, timidly waiting for her to finish making her move. I felt nice and invisible. At least I was invisible _to her_. I wasn't sure if Edward could still see me; I wasn't sure what Edward was thinking. He was only giving her short answers and his smile looked a little tight. But then again, maybe he was just being polite. He wasn't the type of guy that would hit on some girl right in front of me during my "birthday" dinner. A part of me really wished he would, though. He deserved a nice, pretty girl, someone who wouldn't have a panic attack if he suggested they go out to eat. Whatever, I was sure she'd slip him her number somehow and he'd be able to call her later, guilt-free.

Things got a lot better after she left, though. I didn't know how Edward did it, but I was almost enjoying myself not 10 minutes later. He started off doing most of the talking and, at first, I could barely focus on what he was saying. Usually when people tried to cheer me up or make me relax they'd say stuff like, "Relax, Bella." Or, "You need to loosen up." And well… duh! Stuff like that just made me more aware of how uncomfortable I was. And of course, I knew Edward was doing the same thing but he was much more subtle about it. He just started telling me stories. At first I kept wondering how he expected me to respond. What was the right answer? What did he want me to say? What answer would get me an A? But then something weird happened… I slowly started becoming interested in what he was saying and these thoughts started fading to the back of my mind. I started to forget that I was being tested. Bit by bit, it got a little easier to sit there. And then even easier. Soon, I was actually laughing as he recounted a time when he had come here with his family and his brothers had gotten bored and started messing around with his food.

_I can do this. This is just me and Edward talking, like we do almost every day. _

I even joined in on the conversation then. I took his brothers' side because… well, just because I knew it would annoy him. It was fun to tease him. God knows he teased me constantly. It was about time I got some revenge.

It was only when our food came that I remembered where we were. I was still uncomfortable with the idea of him watching me eat. I mean, he'd seen me eat before of course, but this felt different. We were sitting opposite each other in a fancy restaurant, not side by side on the steps of the library. There was some kind of appropriate etiquette here, a right answer, a way to pass, and I wasn't sure what it was. And I had stupidly ordered spaghetti because Edward had told me to. _Bella, you moron._ It was practically impossible to eat spaghetti without making a mess. Well, impossible for _me_. Everyone else always seemed to manage it just fine.

The waitress put our plates in front of us and Edward dug in immediately. I noticed that he didn't even look at the waitress this time. Hmmm… maybe he was just really hungry.

I looked down at my own food and hesitantly picked up my fork and spoon. I knew you were supposed to twist the spaghetti onto your fork, using the spoon to help you somehow… but frankly I wasn't any good at it. I usually just ate spaghetti with only a fork which was probably why I always made such a mess. I tentatively tried to twirl some of the pasta onto my fork, awkwardly using the spoon like a knife to cut off the longer pieces so that it would fit into my mouth. I could feel Edward's amused gaze on my plate. Resigned that I would have to meet his eyes sooner or later, I decided to just bite the bullet now. I looked up.

I was right. He was trying to hold in his laughter. I thought he was going to make a joke out of it or something, but he didn't say anything. He just held my gaze, trying unsuccessfully to suppress his amused smile, and scooped up some pasta randomly, holding his fork suspended in the air. Strands of spaghetti were falling off, but that didn't seem to bother him. He tilted his head to the side and brought his mouth underneath his fork, opening it wide and trying to get all the bits of spaghetti into his mouth. When he was done there was sauce all over his mouth and chin but he was still smiling as he licked his lips and what he could reach of his chin. Then he winked at me and continued eating.

I could feel my cheeks turning pink and I moved my eyes safely back to my plate. I wasn't entirely sure what to make of that. I guess he didn't care if I didn't follow the appropriate spaghetti etiquette. So I dropped my spoon and started twisting spaghetti onto my fork. Not quite with as much abandon as Edward but much less cautiously than before. I don't know if it was the fact that it was the best spaghetti I had ever had, or the very distracting lingering image of Edward's tongue running over his lips, but pretty soon I was eating in earnest. Even more shockingly, I was actually smiling too. Watching Edward eat spaghetti was very amusing. And not amusing in an I'm-intentionally-trying-to-be-funny kind of way… he was just having a good time and that kind of energy is infectious. Or I guess he could be an even better actor than I am. Either way it was another one of those memories I hoped would never fade.

The conversation starting picking up again and I felt like a much more active participant this time. I kept trying to time my questions just as Edward had shovelled a big forkful of spaghetti into his mouth. Just so I could watch him squirm as he tried to answer semi-politely with his mouth full. It was hilarious. Of course he did the exact same thing to me but I wasn't stupid enough to stuff my mouth with that much spaghetti at once.

I thoroughly wiped around my mouth when we were done… just in case.

After our messy meal, we ordered coffee. When it arrived, the waitress handed each of us a dessert menu and I started half-reading it. I was really proud of myself. An hour ago, the idea of dessert and staying here even longer would have thrown me into another panic.

I noticed Edward's hands moving across the table out of the corner of my eye. I looked over my menu curiously to see him switching our coffee cups. What the hell?

"What are you doing?" Was he playing a prank on me or something?

His eyes snapped up to meet mine. He seemed a little shocked that I had caught him red-handed and he smiled sheepishly. "I, err…your cup is chipped. I was just switching it with mine."

What? Some explanation… I was even more confused now.

"Why would you want the chipped cup?"

He just shrugged as if it was nothing. But I did notice that his cheeks were a little pink as he fingered the handle of the chipped cup awkwardly.

I was going to ask him to elaborate, but he looked uncomfortable so I decided to let it go. Hopefully he was paying attention and would remember this and return the **favor **sometime.

I was about to go back to looking at the dessert menu when Edward stopped me. I guess he rebounded from his discomfort pretty quickly. "Don't order dessert, Bella. I have a better idea."

**

* * *

A/N: So I'm a little worried about this chapter. Please let me know what you thought of it :)**

**Many thanks to my beta and to everyone reading, reviewing and helping me improve.**


	11. Dumbledore has a point

**Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. **

**If you haven't seen The Matrix, some of this chapter might not make sense. Then again, even if you have it still might not make sense…  
**

_Last chapter: I was about to go back to looking at the dessert menu when Edward stopped me. I guess he rebounded from his discomfort pretty quickly. "Don't order dessert, Bella. I have a better idea."_

* * *

My first reaction was to be suspicious. Lately all of Edward's good ideas left me feeling nervous and in uncomfortable situations: first the interrogation, then the whole writing thing, then kissing my hand, then dinner in a fancy restaurant and now he wanted to add something else to the list? I mean it hadn't all been bad. I had actually started to enjoy myself the last hour but it had been a really (really) long day for me. My emotions were all over the place and I was tired. I really wanted to just crawl into my bed and let the silence consume me.

And I'll admit I didn't want to push my luck. As things stood, if we just paid and said goodnight right now the day would end on a good note. And I really wanted that. After everything I had been through today, the stress, the anxiety, the constant questions… a happy ending would be wonderful. I really needed one of those. It would be like a light at the end of the tunnel, a sign that things could possibly turn out all right and that maybe I didn't have to worry so much all the time. It would be something real and tangible that I could cling to.

I swallowed nervously and met Edward's eyes. I tried to keep the uneasiness out of my voice.

"You do?" It was probably sensible to hear him out first, before I made my decision.

"Yep. It's still early and tomorrow is Sunday so we don't have class. Let's go buy some junk food and have a movie night. I haven't just hung out and watched films all night since the summer. Does that sound like fun?" Well at least he was leaving it up to me this time. No more pushing for tonight. _Thank God._

Did it sound like fun? I honestly couldn't say anymore. I had imagined that when I finally managed to make myself try writing my own story, it would be amazing and fun and everything I always wanted it to be. And when he had suggested eating out, I had been absolutely convinced that it would be a complete disaster. Yet my attempts to write a story had left me disappointed and here I was now, enjoying myself at a restaurant. Both my predictions had been way off. It didn't make any sense to me. I had felt so sure about the dinner being a bad idea, so sure I would mess things up and yet here was Edward suggesting we spend even more time together.

A movie night… That could go either way really. On the one hand it involved us being alone, giving him plenty of opportunity to ask me questions I didn't want to answer. On the other hand, we would be watching films, giving me plenty of opportunity to keep any discussion limited to what was happening on the screen.

But what if he had really bad taste in movies and I ended up being subjected to the Fast and the Furious 1 and 2 and 3 and however many of those films they made?

"I don't know, Edward. That depends on what kind of movies you like to watch." I was half-serious but it sounded like I was teasing him.

He rolled his eyes at me and smiled. "I brought my entire DVD collection from home. I'm sure we can find something that meets your standards."

"All right." Frankly the idea of getting to snoop through his DVD collection was too tempting to pass up. I was really curious to see what his room looked like too. The place where he slept, relaxed, hung out with friends; I wondered if it looked anything like I had pictured it in my head.

"Great. Where's our waitress?" he mumbled to himself, as he looked around the restaurant. When he found her, he signalled to her that we were ready to pay. She smiled widely at him and sauntered over a few minutes later with our bill in her hand, setting it down in front of Edward.

"I'll be right back." She spoke only to him but that was fine with me.

"Thanks" was Edward's only garbled response as he started digging around in his pocket for his wallet. He took out a wad of cash, placed it inside the little black booklet thing that the bill had come in and then closed it. I was expecting him to push it towards me so I could see how much my half of the dinner was, but he didn't.

"What are you doing?

"I'm paying the bill, Bella. It's sort of frowned upon not to." He smiled up at me innocently, as if I wasn't staring at him with horrified eyes.

"You are _not_ paying for me. I'm paying half of it." I tried to make my voice sound as firm as possible.

"No you're not. I told you this was part of your gift." His smile promptly disappeared and he placed his hand over the bill protectively, shifting it a little closer towards his side of the table.

"No, Edward. You've spent way too much money already." There was no way in hell I was letting him pay for me and label this thing a proper date. This wasn't a date. It just wasn't. And I needed it to stay that way.

"Bella, you can't impose a limit on how much people spend on your gifts. It's up to me and I say I'm paying." He took his hand off the bill and settled into his chair comfortably, as if the matter was closed.

"Well I say you're not." I reached to pull the bill towards me but Edward scooped it off the table and held it in his lap.

"Edward, come on. At least let me see how much tonight cost." I reached even further across the table, my butt leaving my seat.

"Nope," he said, popping the p. He smirked at me and stretched his legs out while I fell back into my seat, crossed my arms and scowled at him from across the table.

"I hate it when guys pull this macho crap. Just because you're a boy doesn't mean you have to pay. It's not like we're on a date or anything."

His expression didn't change in the slightest. He just lounged in his seat, perfectly relaxed and smiling sweetly. "I hate it when girls get all feminist when a guy tries to do something nice for them. But that's really beside the point. This has nothing to do with you being a girl. I'm trying to give you a birthday present, part of which is this dinner. It's not really a gift if I let you pay for half of it."

"Fine. I'm paying for the junk food then. You didn't say that was part of my gift, so there should be no complaints." I raised my eyebrows, daring him to contradict me.

"Well, actually it would be fairer if we split that 50/50 since you don't owe me anything for the gift." He was speaking in an overly kind voice, as if he was doing me a favor by explaining this to me.

Unbelievable.

"No, I don't think so. You're providing the movies and a place to watch them so it's only fair I bring the food." I felt really strongly about this - for a change – and I wasn't backing down this time – for a change.

He sighed dramatically. "All right fine, stubborn girl. You can pay for the food."

He waited for me to nod triumphantly, before his face twisted into that evil smirk again. "And I'll pay for the drinks."

I wanted to sulk and stomp my foot like a five year old but I managed to restrain myself. Instead I settled for rolling my eyes at him and sitting there in silent disapproval while we waited for the waitress and Edward finished paying.

We got up from our seats, put on our coats and headed out of the restaurant. When we got to the door, I grabbed the handle before Edward could and held it open for him. I tried to look as innocent as I could while I waited for him to walk through it. He narrowed his eyes at me, but didn't say anything as we stared at each other for a second. Then he grinned wickedly as if to say "Game on" and walked out. I actually felt a little scared as I followed him out. What had I gotten myself into?

We walked to the nearest store, Edward beating me to the door this time, and bought a variety of snacks. Chocolates, those little jelly coca cola bottles that I love, Doritos, etc. Edward grabbed a bottle of coke and a bottle of water too. I made sure to pay for all the snacks and wouldn't let Edward see the receipt when he asked how much I had spent. I really liked annoying him. It was more fun than I thought it would be.

The playful atmosphere helped distract me from where we were heading as we started walking back towards the campus. Edward made a grab for the bag of snacks I was carrying. God, his gentlemanly ways tonight were like a mosquito that wouldn't die. I mean, it was really nice of him of course, but gestures like that are designed to draw attention to the fact that I'm a girl and he's a boy. And I really didn't need reminding. It just made me more self-conscious. But I knew he was only being so persistent tonight to annoy me. Usually he would let me open the library door for myself every now and again and when we got takeout he wouldn't always make a big deal about me ordering first. And I was incredibly grateful because that made everything feel less formal, more relaxed.

After Edward's fifth attempt to take the bag out of my hand, I finally gave in and handed it to him. "All right, here you go, Superman. Enjoy."

"Why thank you. How very generous of you." I could feel his smugness radiating off him.

My one consolation was that now both his hands were full and I had to open the door to his dorm building for him. He just shook his head at me and led me up the stairs and down the hall to his room. He set both bags down and dug his keys out of the pocket of his jeans. Then he unlocked the door, picked up the bags and stepped aside waiting for me to enter first. He was still messing with me but the reality of what was about to happen hit me and I didn't feel like playing anymore. I slowly shuffled in; holding on to my book bag like it was a lifejacket. He strode in confidently behind me, placing the bags of food on the floor and taking off his coat. I didn't remove my coat. I just hovered awkwardly, peeking at his room.

The very first thing I noticed about his dorm room was that it was like mine. A lot like mine. Why I expected his dorm room to look any different I have no idea. In retrospect, it was pretty stupid. Most of the dorm rooms at this university were the same. Same twin bed. Same desk by the window. Same bookshelf overflowing with textbooks. Same chair that swivels. Same little nightstand with the same lamp on top. His room, when you took away all the little personal touches dotted around the place, looked almost exactly like mine. I felt both disgusted and ridiculously happy as a result of this little revelation. On the one hand, I was pissed off at the university – they couldn't paint the walls a different shade of white or something? They had to stick us all in the exact same cardboard boxes? Did they think this made us feel equal somehow? _Yeah right_. On the other hand, I guess it made me feel a little less anxious. Like going to a hotel instead of back to some guy's place. It was his room but he hadn't picked everything out himself, just like I hadn't. The fact that the furniture looked familiar just made me feel better for some reason.

The only difference was that he had two of everything: one set for him, one set for his roommate.

"Won't your roommate mind if we're watching movies while he's trying to sleep?" Maybe there hadn't been anything to worry about after all, if we weren't actually going to be alone all night.

"Nah, Mike's spending the weekend with his girlfriend. He won't be back until tomorrow night." Maybe not.

Edward informed me of this nonchalantly as he started unloading all the food we had bought on to his bed. His bed… right… Because there wasn't really anywhere else to sit, so… so we would both be sitting on his bed… together… on his bed. I could feel myself starting to become alarmed and the grip I had on my bag tightened.

_Right. _

On his bed. Together. Ok.

_Right._

And I had willingly agreed to this because…?

_Relax, Bella. Relax._ This is not a big deal. We're just hanging out, as friends… like friends do… on his bed. _Oh God._

I searched his room for a distraction. I stared at his bookshelf, making a mental note of all the little things about it that reminded me of my own bookshelf. It was obviously made from the same wood. It was the same shade of brown. _Yes, ok. This is good._ I recognized some of the textbooks from the classes we had in common. _Good. Keep going. What else? _When I took a few steps towards it and looked closer though, I realized that only the top two shelves held textbooks; the rest were stuffed full of DVDs. Apparently when he said he had brought his entire collection, he wasn't kidding. It would take me a good hour to look through them all. I sat down cross-legged in front of his bookshelf, finally dropping my bag on the floor next to me and placing my coat on top of it, and started reading the titles. They didn't seem to be in any kind of rational order and that made me smile for some reason. I even hoped that maybe some of the DVDs were in the wrong boxes.

Edward grabbed my coat and hung it next to his own while I continued to search through his collection. Every time I came across a DVD that I also owned, my heart rate picked up a little. _How pathetic_. There were some titles that made me cringe too… I could not believe he had actually paid money for some of these crappy films. But then again if we had the same taste in everything, what would be the point?

He came to sit next to me on the floor, mimicking my posture. "See anything you like?"

"Yep. Though I haven't heard of some of these before. What do you feel like watching tonight?"

"I don't mind, Bella. I like them all so you pick."

I tried not to feel nervous about my choice. He must like it if it's on his shelf. "How about we start with The Matrix? I haven't watched that in years. Then you can pick the next one."

"Sounds good." He grabbed the box from the shelf and got up. He went over to the laptop on his desk and began setting everything up. "Take a seat. It's almost ready."

I got up from my spot on the floor slowly, wishing I could stay there a little longer, and made my way to the bed. I removed my shoes uncertainly, surveying his earlier work. He had set up all the packets of food in a pile and propped up two pillows against the wall next to each other. I waited for a moment when I was sure he wasn't looking in my direction and grabbed one of the pillows, placing it a little further away from the other one, before climbing onto the bed and tentatively resting my back against it.

The film started playing and he adjusted the screen until I assured him I could see it just fine. I tried not to fidget too much while he removed his own shoes and sat down next to me. For a while we just watched the movie silently. Edward occasionally offered me a jelly cola bottle and I took one each time, grateful for the distraction.

As we got further into the film, he started commenting on the bits he liked. A special effect he thought looked cool or a line he really liked and I found myself slipping in to my now familiar study partner/friend role and doing the same thing. Sometimes we would disagree and then the conversation would usually end with one of us rolling our eyes indignantly. It was a good thing both of us had watched this film dozens of times because we were talking too much to actually follow it properly.

We were now at the bit where Cypher is having dinner with Agent Smith, agreeing to betray Morpheus.

Edward was now running a full commentary on everything that happened on the screen. "Ugh. I hated Cypher. I still can't believe he betrayed them like that and actually wanted to plug back into the Matrix."

"Mmm… yeah I guess," I agreed half-heartedly, hoping he wouldn't pick up on my uncertainty.

"You guess? Don't tell me you agree with him, Bella?" He turned to face me, the shock written all over his face.

"No, not exactly. I don't like the fact that he betrayed everyone but I can sort of see where he was coming from." I was already regretting saying anything. I stared at a spot on Edward's bed, not wanting to meet his eyes. "He was tired. He didn't like reality and he just wanted to go back to the fantasy." I was speaking quietly, my voice shaking slightly. "I can understand that."

"I can't. What are you saying?"

"Well…" I looked up at him cautiously and began explaining shyly. "Do you think that reality is always better? No matter what it's like? Would you never choose the fantasy, even though you knew it wasn't real? Even though you knew that it was all just in your head. Couldn't it be enough that it felt real to you?"

He was still looking at me dumbly, his brow wrinkled in confusion. Against my better judgement, I tried to explain further. Apparently I hadn't learned my lesson when he had laughed at me earlier today in the park. _Bella, you_ _idiot._ What the hell was wrong with me? I knew he'd probably just laugh at me again or tell me I was crazy but the desire to tell him what I was thinking was overwhelming. It drove all rational thoughts of self-preservation out of my mind. I hadn't felt this way in a long time. I just wanted him to know what was going on in my head, to know _me_, even if it was just a small part of me. "Ok I know this will sound weird but… have you read Harry Potter?"

"Sure, who hasn't?" He looked even more confused now and I felt like even more of an idiot.

"Well, you know in the seventh book when Harry is talking to Dumbledore at Kings Cross?"

"Yeah."

"Ok, well at the end Harry asks Dumbledore if their conversation is real or if it's just inside his head and then Dumbledore says 'Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?' Don't you think there's anything to that? Many serious philosophers have said the same thing… Some have argued the only thing you can know for sure is how things appear to you. Just your perceptions of things, sense-data and all that. And therefore that what feels real is the only reality there is. Of course, I'm horribly oversimplifying and maybe I've got it wrong altogether but I don't know… don't you think that…"

"That Dumbledore has a point?"

"Yeah. That thoughts and dreams and fantasies have a reality of their own. That they're worth something. That what our names are, what job we do for a living, whether our body is in a vat of goo somewhere or on a bed in a dorm room, isn't the only important thing. That maybe what's going on inside our heads can be more real than our everyday lives. I don't know… I guess I can just understand why Cypher would choose the fantasy."

He looked at me thoughtfully for a moment. "I think in the Matrix the point was that Cypher was just tired of fighting and he wanted out. I think Cypher was just a coward."

"I can understand that too…" I mumbled it under my breath, unsure whether I wanted Edward to hear me or not.

"I think all of us can, Bella, but that's not really the point. Cypher kept saying 'ignorance is bliss' but he didn't really know what reality could offer. It wasn't a fair comparison. I mean yeah, their reality sucked – they were constantly on the run, fighting and risking their lives everyday. I'm sure it wasn't Neo's version of utopia but look at how it ended. He found friendship, leadership, a cause worth fighting for. He even found love. You can't find that on your own, Bella."

Encouraged that he seemed to be taking me seriously this time, I pressed on. "But that's just the movies isn't it? What if Trinity didn't love him back, like she didn't love Cypher? What if he wasn't 'the one' like Cypher wasn't?"

"Well… that's just one version of a happy ending. Falling in love isn't everyone's idea of living happily ever after. And even if Cypher really was miserable in the real world, he couldn't have known that when Morpheus offered him the choice. I mean how can you know whether your fantasies are better than reality if you don't give reality a try? Even if things aren't the way you pictured them in your head or the way you initially planned them, doesn't mean they can't still work out. They might be different but that doesn't mean they can't also be wonderful. Maybe Cypher gave up too soon. Maybe there was someone else out there for him that he could love more than Trinity. Or maybe peace was just around the corner and he wouldn't have to keep fighting.

You can never know so how can you choose? And why do you have to choose at all? Can't you enjoy both? Maybe reality is a combination of both – your head and your body, fantasy and real life. And you just have to find the balance that works for you. But you can't just shut one out altogether."

"Maybe." I wasn't fully convinced and I knew Edward could tell.

"I'm sorry I don't have something more profound to offer, Bella. I don't know the answer." He really did sound sorry. How silly.

I gave him a small smile, trying to show him there was nothing to apologize for. "That's all right, Edward. I don't really want you to tell me the answer anyway. I just wanted to tell you what I was thinking and see what you thought about it." He smiled back at me and I turned my attention back to the movie. He didn't have to say anything profound. The fact that he didn't just dismiss what I was saying as ridiculous was pretty much all I wanted.

I tried to lighten the mood a little, hoping Edward wasn't upset with me for getting all philosophical and depressing when we were supposed to be having a fun, relaxing night of hanging out together. "I'm just glad you didn't laugh at me again."

Then he did laugh at me but I was laughing too. He was laughing _with_ me.

My joy over the fact that I had managed to make him laugh and lighten the atmosphere was cut short when he placed his arm around me and squeezed my shoulder playfully. I was in complete shock. Where had that come from and what did it mean? Was it just a friendly gesture or something else? I felt myself tense up and kept my eyes firmly glued to the screen.

I was suddenly hyper aware of how close he was, sitting next to me with his thigh now touching mine. My heartbeat sounded dangerously loud as he used his free hand to brush my hair behind my ear. He trailed his fingers gently over my ear and then traced the lock of hair down to my shoulder, playing with the ends for a few seconds. I thought I was going to have a heart attack for the second time today when he moved even closer. I could feel his warm breath on the side of my face. Ever so slowly he leaned in even further and then I actually felt his lips at my temple, placing a gentle, lingering kiss there.

_Oh god. Oh god._ My brain kick-started into action, shoving a million thoughts at me in the next few seconds. What the hell was going on? First my hand, now this? Why was he doing this? He didn't used to do stuff like this before today… What had suddenly changed?

Was he expecting me to turn around and face him? The fact that we were alone in his dorm room, sitting on his bed came screaming back to me. _Run, run, run._

_No. No, I don't want to run. This is what I want isn't it? I want Edward? _

_Well, yes… but…_

But I had never seriously considered that he might want me. As something more than a friend I mean and that had allowed me to get closer to him without worrying about this type of scenario. Did he like me? Maybe I was misreading him… Maybe he felt protective of me… Maybe this was brotherly affection? Or maybe he was just being friendly? Trying to comfort me after that depressing conversation we had just had?

There were way too many maybes. I had no idea what to do. Maybe I should just let him lead… Yes. Hadn't that been my plan from the very beginning?

I should've turned to face him, boldly met his eyes and let him make the next move… whatever that would be. I should've and I wanted to. But I didn't. I couldn't. When I tilted my face towards his and met his eyes, a surge of fear took over and all I could do was throw him a confused smile (which probably looked more like a grimace) before quickly turning to stare at the screen again. I internally cursed myself for being such a coward. _Bella, you are such a loser!_

He was far too close. Again.

And I was uncomfortable. Again.

But I wasn't going to run away this time. Turning back towards the screen and just focusing on the film wasn't running away but it wasn't really accepting the situation either. However it was the best I could do right now and it was a step forward. I hoped that small smile was enough for now; I hoped the fact that I wasn't flinching away from his embrace and running out of his dorm room was enough for now.

_Wait for me, Edward. I know it's unfair to ask this of you but I can't help it. Please._

I kept my eyes glued to the screen. My body was still tense and I was sure Edward could tell. But he didn't move away. He stayed there, with his arm around me, his thumb gently moving back and forth over my clothed shoulder.

A part of me was still shrieking in my ear that I should just run away. But another part of me liked it. He was warm. And he smelled really good. And the fact that he was still relaxed, even though he must've known I wasn't, made _me_ feel a little more relaxed. He wasn't moving away… he was still here… he was waiting. I kept chanting this over and over in my head as the movie kept flickering on his laptop and my body slowly started to thaw.

I snuggled into his side a little and experimentally rested my head on his shoulder. He squeezed my arm gently in response but otherwise didn't move. We just carried on quietly watching the movie and I felt my body fully melt into his embrace. This position was actually unbelievably comfortable. It felt so natural now that I had stopped fighting it. And he smelled so good. Like… mmmm… I don't know…. like something really good… and familiar… and really really good.

My thoughts got less and less coherent as I felt myself becoming drowsy. Now that I had let myself relax, I realized just how tired I was. It had been a really long day for me. So much had happened and I was exhausted, physically and emotionally. It was difficult to keep my eyes open and, despite my best efforts to stay awake, I felt myself slipping away.

**

* * *

A/N: Their relationship will start picking up very soon… I promise.**


	12. Everything To Me

**Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**

**Okay as promised:**

_Last chapter: My thoughts got less and less coherent as I felt myself becoming drowsy. Now that I had let myself relax, I realised just how tired I was. It had been a really long day for me. So much had happened and I was exhausted, physically and emotionally. It was difficult to keep my eyes open and, despite my best efforts to stay awake, I felt myself slipping away._

* * *

Mmmm… I was warm. All snugly wrapped up in my covers. My entire body felt liquid, like I had melted into my mattress. I didn't want to get up yet. And since I couldn't hear my alarm blaring in the background, I decided I could afford to sleep a little more. I sunk my face into my pillow, cuddling up to it like I always do. But something was… off. My pillow never smelled this good.

Something was off.

I opened one eye cautiously. I was hugging a pillow all right, but it wasn't mine. I shot up into a sitting position and looked around stupidly. Where the hell was I? My eyes landed on the now turned off laptop on Edward's desk and the events of the previous night came screaming back to me. I was in Edward's bed, hugging Edward's pillow. Speaking of, where the fuck was Edward?

The room was dark and I was too afraid to turn on the light. I dug my cell phone out of my jean pocket. _Note to self: If you're stupid enough to fall asleep in your jeans, at least take your phone out of your pocket, you moron._ That would probably leave a bruise. Oh well.

I flipped it open and tried to use what little light it gave me to look around the dorm room. Yeah… that didn't really work but I did find out that it was 3:14 am. I tried to quietly get out of bed.

I got out from under the covers slowly. Hmm… I didn't even remember lying down; I guess Edward must have put the covers over me. I tried to think back to the last thing I could remember… We were watching The Matrix. And then… Oh shit. And then we had… what? Cuddled? I don't know if what we did even amounted to that much. It was more like soft core snuggling I guess.

I was moving in slow motion as my feet touched the floor and I took a few steps blindly, holding out my phone and trying to see more than two inches in front of me. I could hear a light breathing sound coming from the other side of the room and I cautiously made my way towards it. I finally found Edward, sleeping in Mike's bed.

He was stretched out on his stomach, nestled under the covers except for the half of his face not buried in his pillow and the bare arm poking out from underneath the covers and hanging off the side of the bed.

The first thing I felt was pure guilt. I had fallen asleep on him and instead of waking me up and kicking me out, he had given up his bed and went to sleep on Mike's. God, he really had gone too far with this "be-a-gentleman-no-matter-what" crap. He should've just woken me up. Now I was responsible for evicting him out of his own bed.

The next thing I felt was a very familiar mixture of confusion and fear. What the fuck was I supposed to do now? I felt like I should leave. It was bad enough I had stolen his bed tonight. I'm sure he didn't want to have to deal with some girl who had overstayed her welcome in the morning. If I left now I would save us both a lot of hassle. But should I wake him up first? Maybe he wants to go back to his own bed? Then again, no one likes being woken up in the middle of the night for no good reason and he looked plenty comfortable in Mike's bed. Edward was always comfortable. Or at least he always looked it, no matter where we were or what we were doing. In that library chair, against the tree in the park, at the restaurant and now in someone else's bed. Comfortable. Always relaxed. Why couldn't I ever feel like that?

I decided the best thing to do was to just sneak out and explain it to him later. I took one last look at what I could see of Edward's sleeping form, trying to memorizeas much as I could, and started trying to feel my way towards the door in the darkness. I should've been paying attention to where I was stepping instead of swooning over the image of Edward's bare arm. But of course, I wasn't paying attention at all and my foot got caught on something.

"Shit." I managed to narrowly avoid falling on my face. It took me a second to realize that I had tripped over my bag, which was still lying on the floor in front of his bookshelf where I had left it. _Excellent. Nice going, Bella._

"Bella?" Edward's groggy voice made me turn around guiltily. _Perfect. There goes Plan A. _He had turned on the bedside lamp next to Mike's bed.

"Yeah, it's me. Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you." I stood there frozen, clutching my bag to my body awkwardly.

"S'ok." He closed his eyes, rolled over onto his back and stretched out his long limbs. Now I could see both of his bare arms… _Not helping, Edward._

"I'll just show myself out. Sorry again. Sorry." I tried to leave quickly and discreetly, all the while mumbling incoherent "sorrys" under my breath. Of course there wasn't much chance of that now that I had woken him up.

"Bella, you know you don't have to leave. You can stay the night and go back to your room in the morning." I turned around to face him, a little stunned. He was still in Mike's bed, looking at me sleepily.

"Erm… no, don't worry. That's not necessary." My eyes roamed the dorm room, looking anywhere but at him. The image of him in bed was making my heart rate pick up. Especially since I couldn't tell what he was wearing under those covers. _Don't freak out. Don't freak out. _

"It's no trouble, Bella. Isn't my bed comfortable?" Edward's voice sounded relaxed and in control as usual.

"Err… no, it is. But um…" I frantically searched my panic-riddled brain for something plausible. "It's not really comfortable sleeping in jeans." Success! He couldn't argue with that one.

"So take them off."

My eyes snapped back to his and I stared at him wide-eyed. Had he really said that out loud?

He chuckled at my reaction. "I won't look. I swear. Or I can give you a pair of my shorts if you'd prefer."

_Ok. Breathe, Bella._ No way in hell was I letting him see my bare legs. When I said I hadn't been taking very good care of myself, I wasn't kidding. I had scars from some stupid accidents I had had in the past. _All my fault of course._ Mainly due to the fact I was always daydreaming and didn't pay much attention to what I was doing. I had picked at a few of them and made them worse, not really caring at the time. I always covered up anyway, so who the hell cared? I certainly didn't at the time. I never dreamed I'd be taking my clothes off in front of someone else. I didn't actually have anything too bad on my legs… just one little jagged scar over my knee from an accident a few years back, but still… No way in hell was I taking off my jeans with Edward in the same building, let alone the same room.

I scrambled to find some way to get out of this whole situation. I needed to get out of his dorm room… like _right now_, before I really started to panic. In my desperation, I blurted out the first excuse that occurred to me.

"No… no, I really can't. I don't want to do the walk of shame in the morning. I didn't even have sex."

_Fuck!_ Did that really just spill out of my mouth? I am _such_ a loser! Technically it was true and definitely one of the reasons I wanted to leave. I mean come on - doing the walk of shame without even getting to have sex first? Yep, that sounds like my life all right. But I definitely hadn't meant to say it out loud to Edward. Who knew what he thought of me now… I just couldn't think straight when the butterflies in my stomach were doing their very best to get me committed.

Thankfully, he just laughed. Whether _at _me or because he thought I had been joking, I couldn't tell. And right then I really didn't care either way.

"Ok. Just wait a minute and I'll walk you to your room."

"No, it's all right. You're half-asleep, you do-" I began protesting as he started getting up but I couldn't finish. All I could do was stand there and stare at him, my mouth hanging open. The best I could hope for was that I at least wasn't drooling.

_Holy shit!_ Apparently, Edward Cullen sleeps in his boxers. _Only_ his boxers. As soon as I could, I slammed my eyelids shut and spun around. But I couldn't get the image of his bare chest out of my mind. He wasn't ripped or anything like that, but I liked it better that way. He was lean and lanky. He looked natural. Like a real man instead of some model. Those guys in magazines and on TV may as well have been aliens they felt so distant and fake to me.

I had never seen a man this… undressed before. I mean in real life of course. Obviously I had seen pictures of naked men and even some pretty crude scenes on TV. Well actually I _had_ seen some guys with their shirts off in real life before. Mainly at school during gym. But they were always wearing shorts… and Edward was just in his boxers. And although they covered the same amount of skin, I still felt like the fact they were boxers instead of shorts was pretty freaking significant.

I could hear him looking for his clothes and getting dressed behind me. Not _at all_ embarrassed and still perfectly at ease. _How the fuck does he do it?_ I tried really hard to act naturally in that moment as I pulled my shoes on but I'm sure I failed miserably. For one, I had no idea what was natural in this type of situation.

"All right. You ready?" He walked past me (in jeans and a t-shirt now, thank God) and went to grab our coats.

"Yep." _God, I am so pathetic._ I couldn't even look at him as I took my coat timidly and shuffled out of his room. The walk to my dorm room was awkward to say the least. I think Edward made a few attempts at conversation but I was too busy mentally beating myself up to play my part. I just wanted to crawl underneath my own covers and never come out. I was so embarrassed, and worse, I was completely ashamed of myself and my ridiculous behaviour.

He walked me right up to my door and waited patiently while I hysterically rummaged through my bag, searching for my keys. My hands were shaking as I tried, unsuccessfully, to unlock my door.

"Here, let me. Superman to the rescue, right?" He took the keys from my trembling fingers and easily unlocked my door. He tried to pretend he was still playing the gentleman from our game earlier but we both knew better and I couldn't play along. The fact that he was trying to help me relax just made me feel worse.

When my door finally swung open, I turned to rush in but Edward caught my elbow to stop me. I slowly met his eyes, trying to stay calm. He still had his hand curled around my elbow, keeping me from running away.

"Will I see you later today? You know, I never got to choose a movie for us to watch since you passed out on me." He smiled crookedly at me, trying to lighten the atmosphere. "We've still got some time before Mike gets back. Do you want to hang out again this afternoon?"

"Um…"

How could he still want to hang out with me? Was I a better actress than I thought? Had he really not noticed how much of a freak I am, how nervous I was all the time?

"Ok." I couldn't say no, because as painful and nerve-wracking as it was to be around him some of the time, I enjoyed his company. He was the best friend I had ever had, the only real friend I had ever had. And a big part of me wanted us to be more... _You're a sick, twisted psycho, Bella…_

"Ok." He smiled at me but he didn't let go of my elbow. Instead he brushed my hair behind my ear with his free hand and left it to linger, cupping the side of my face. I swallowed nervously. It took everything I had just to stay still in that moment. _Don't run. Don't run. I will not run._ I chanted it over and over to myself as he caressed my face, holding my gaze the entire time. The hand on my elbow curled around my lower back and pulled me towards him. At the same time, he tilted his head to the side and inched towards me. I knew what was about to happen and I was both ecstatic and terrified at the same time. This was it – the moment I had fantasized about for so long. I tried my best but I couldn't stay still as his eyes shifted down to my lips and his face inched even closer. A surge of panic overtook my body and I flinched away from him, turning my face to the side and looking down at my shoes.

And I hated myself for it. More than I had ever hated myself before.

Edward saw my hesitance and he froze but he didn't pull away completely. Instead he drew me in for an awkward hug and kissed the top of my head softly. "Goodnight, Bella."

That soft kiss just made me feel even worse. _Why couldn't I do this? _This was everything I had always wanted and I couldn't do it. I was so mad at myself. Completely fed up. I gathered what little courage I had and turned my head in his arms, fully intending to kiss him on the lips. Unfortunately, he had already started to break our hug and I ended up kissing just above his jaw. He stopped moving away when he felt it, perhaps trying to give me time to do what I had initially planned but by that point the situation had become too awkward for me to handle and I pulled away. He mimicked me clumsily. It was the first time I had ever seen him not be completely relaxed and at ease with the situation. He actually looked nervous! And it was _my_ fault… again.

"Goodnight." I mumbled it out and went into my room, quickly closing the door behind me. I couldn't believe it. I had broken him! Edward… the guy who always looked the picture of comfort… and I had turned him into a graceless klutz like me.

_God, if you're listening, I've used your name in vain more times than I can recall. Please. I beg you. Now would be a really good time to smite me down._

He had been about to kiss me… like on the lips. And I fucked it up. As always. _Of-fucking-course. _What if Edward wouldn't try again after tonight? What if no one else ever wanted to kiss me? _What the fuck was wrong with me?_

I cried myself to sleep that night (well, morning I guess) because… well, because there was nothing else I could do. I couldn't get the picture of Edward's disappointed face out of my head. Every time I closed my eyes there it was. I had done that to him. I was the one who put that hurt in his eyes.

I felt so ashamed that I almost didn't go to his room later that day like I had promised. But he texted me to confirm that I was still coming over and I couldn't tell him no. Maybe this had just been the first try and things would get better. Maybe the next time I wouldn't flinch away. _Assuming he wanted to actually try again of course._

When he met me at the door, smiling widely and all relaxed again as if everything was normal, it became easier to believe that I just needed to get used to being so close to him. We sat on his bed again and watched a movie of his choice. We were bantering back and forth like we always did now and I felt myself beginning to hope. So when he shifted closer to me halfway through the movie and reached for my hand, I let him. He put his arm around me again and I snuggled into his side again and held his free hand in both of mine. He didn't make any further movements, just let me play with his fingers while we finished watching the movie. I felt good and I was almost completely relaxed. I hoped harder. I still felt good when the movie ended and it was time for me to go back to my room. So when he hugged me closer and kissed my temple again, I turned towards him and met his eyes. I wasn't even worried about whether I would be any good at this or not. I just wanted to do it. To prove to myself that I could do it. That if I wanted this badly enough, I could try and try and actually change.

_Try again, Edward. Please. _

And he did. His face inched towards mine. Again.

And I flinched away at the last second. Again.

_Damn it. Why couldn't I do this? _I cried myself to sleep that night. Again. There was pretty much nothing else I could do.

Third time lucky? _Yeah right. _Luck was never on my side.

To my complete dismay, this became the new routine for the next week. We'd hang out at the library or his dorm room or even at restaurants. Everything would be great. We would hold hands, cuddle up together. And it was wonderful. Right up until he tried to kiss me. Even though I desperately wanted to kiss him, I couldn't stop myself from flinching away every time. And every time I hated myself a little bit more. I felt so fucking helpless. And I knew it was getting to Edward as well, although he did his best to pretend otherwise.

We seemed to be stuck in this awkward hugging phase. And of course it was entirely my fault. I wondered how long it would take before he stopped trying altogether, before he gave up on me. God knows I wouldn't blame him. Something had definitely changed between us. But not fully. We were stuck somewhere in-between friends and something more. We would either complete the transition or not. Judging by the way I kept reacting to his attempts to move us forward, the smart money was on "not." Then it would be just a matter of time before Edward told me to get lost.

My self-loathing reached new heights that week. I was in college for fuck's sake. And yet, here I was, acting like a 12-year-old who still suspected that boys had cooties. Eventually, I started giving up. I had been a fool to even try this. I guess some people are just incapable of being close to others and I was clearly one of them. Every awkward hug was just too painful a reminder of the fact I wasn't now, and would never be, good enough for him. A normal girl would've probably dropped her panties for him by now and I couldn't even give him a peck on the lips.

I stopped crying myself to sleep. It was just pointless.

This was exactly like what had happened with my previous boyfriends. Yes, shocking though it may be, I had actually had boyfriends before Edward. Well… just the one boyfriend. And I guess, technically, it wasn't much of a relationship since we never got over this awkward stage either. All of my friends had started getting boyfriends and, idiot that I was, I did it too. I just wanted to see what it would be like. Well, I had _tried _to do it **too, but** I couldn't do it back then and I guess I still couldn't do it now. I thought it would be different this time, because I really liked Edward, but I guess not.

With that other guy, I had ended it almost immediately, though, instead of dragging it out like this. It's what I should've done with Edward, too. But I was too much of a coward and kept waiting for Edward to do it himself. I didn't want this to end. Edward was the real friend I had given up on ever finding. I was slowly letting go and learning how to be myself with him. And the prospect of a real relationship with him… of him seeing me as something more…

I didn't want it to end but it didn't feel like I had much say in the matter. I guess it was over. My relationship with Edward (if you could even call it that). My friendship with him. My fantasy of him. It was all over. I wouldn't even be able to think and fantasize about him after everything crashed and burned – it would hurt too much. I was about to lose it all.

I couldn't shake these depressing thoughts one night as I got ready to leave Edward's room. I didn't even give him the awkward hug goodbye that night. It was just too painful. I told him not to bother walking me back and turned to leave without even looking at him. I was almost at the bottom of the stairs leading out of his building when he stopped me.

"Bella, wait." He grabbed a hold of my arm and started pulling me back up the stairs. "Just come back inside for a minute. Sit with me."

He led me back to his bed and I sat down obediently, looking into his eyes and waiting for him to say whatever it was he going to say.

"Bella." He started speaking carefully but determinedly. "Bella, would it help if we talked about it?"

Fuck no!

"Ok, maybe not." He must've seen the pure terror on my face. A long drawn-out, awkward conversation was the very last thing I needed right now. Putting our situation into words would just make my social ineptness feel that much more real, that much more certain and unshakeable.

He sighed loudly and ran his hands through his hair in frustration.

"I'm sorry Bella. I just don't…"

Here it comes. I was about to get dumped. I guess there are no happy endings for social fuck-ups like me. Maybe he'd say "let's still be friends." Maybe he'd actually mean it. But even if he did, I doubted our friendship would survive. Things were just too twisted on both sides. It would be too embarrassing for me and, nice guy that he was, he would probably feel too guilty.

"I don't know what to do, Bella. Tell me what you need me to do." He looked as helpless as I felt.

"I…I'm sorry, Edward." And then I actually started crying. _Right in front of him._ I promised myself I would never do this, but hell, I should've known better. At least I wasn't blubbering. The tears were flowing freely but at least I wasn't making any embarrassing wailing sounds.

"Bella, no. Don't cry. I'm sorry. I don't know what to do." He scooped me up into his arms and I buried my face into the crook of his neck, crying silently and probably ruining his shirt.

He ran his hand over my hair, caressing the top of my head. "Shh… it's ok. It's going to be ok."

I didn't believe him. But I liked him even more for saying it anyway. I was so grateful for his patience so far. He was the only one who was willing to put up with all my crap, to play by my rules, just so he could get to know me better. He was the only one I actually_ wanted_ to know me better. I really wanted to let him in, no matter how completely petrifying that idea was. He meant more to me than anyone ever had before – so _why couldn't I do this?_ I hugged him tighter and placed a small kiss on his neck. It was my small way of both thanking and apologizing to him.

He moved away slightly so he could look into my eyes, wiped away some of my tears with the pad of his thumb and then cupped the side of my face. We just sat there looking at each other for a few long moments, his hand still on my face.

He tilted his face to the side infinitesimally and inched closer.

I tried, God knows I tried, but I couldn't. Instinctively, I flinched away again.

He noticed, dropped his hand from my face and began to move away from me, like he had done so many times before.

There was such hurt in his eyes. I couldn't bear it.

"No. Don't." I clutched the collar of his shirt and kept his face close to mine. "Just give me a moment."

He wrapped both of his arms around me again and stayed perfectly still, resting his forehead against mine. I should've just pulled his face towards mine by his shirt collar and crashed our lips together. That's what a part of me wanted to do. Another part of me, however, wanted to shove him away with all the strength I could muster. I couldn't just kiss him. No matter how long I had spent fantasizing about it. No matter how much I wanted to. I needed him to make the first move – again. And I needed to scrape enough courage together to tell him that.

_Damn it, Bella! This is just a stupid little kiss. It's not a big deal. You can do this. You want to do this. Stop thinking about it so damn much. _

I took a deep breath and tried to let myself hope once more. _He's still here. He's not moving away. He's waiting. I can do this. I will do this._

"Ok," I finally whispered.

His forehead left mine as he searched my eyes again.

"G-go slow, ok?"

"Ok." He smiled at me softly and we just stayed still for another moment.

One of his hands came up to my face again and he brushed my hair behind my ear. He moved closer but he wasn't looking at my lips. He was going for my forehead.

_Ok. I could handle that. He had already kissed me on the top of my head. This was good. _

He placed a soft kiss on my forehead, his lips lingering there. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to just enjoy the sensation. He kissed my forehead again and then slowly started a trail down to my temple, along my jaw and then back up. His lips were so soft. I felt my body start to let go and so did I. I stopped thinking about the fact that he was probably heading to my lips and just enjoyed what he was doing right now.

When he kissed my nose I actually laughed quietly and I felt the rest of the tension dissolve. My grip on his collar loosened and I moved my hands up and into his hair. How long had I been fantasizing about playing with his hair? Too long.

It felt so soft beneath my fingers. I kept running my fingers over and through it, kept caressing it. My head felt blissfully empty. There were just the current sensations. Edward's lips on my cheek. Edward's hair beneath my fingers. Nothing else.

And it felt amazing.

When Edward's lips trailed down my cheek and to the corner of my mouth it felt even better. Finally his lips gently brushed against mine. Of their own volition, my lips parted slightly, as his pressed a little harder against mine. He pulled away a little only to come back again. When his lips pressed against mine this time, I pressed back, using my grip on his hair to pull him closer to me. His fingers tangled into the hair flowing down my back, pushing us even closer together. He sucked on my bottom lip gently.

I didn't know if this was how most first kisses normally went and frankly, I didn't care. It was chaste and tame. Soft and slow. It was probably no big deal for the rest of the world. But it was everything to me.

**

* * *

A/N: So there we go - their first kiss. I've never written anything… err like this… so I would really like to know what you guys thought of it – disappointing? **

**Many thanks to thequietlife.  
**


	13. Attempt Number Two

**Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**

_Last chapter: When Edward's lips trailed down my cheek and to the corner of my mouth it felt even better. Finally his lips gently brushed against mine. Of their own volition, my lips parted slightly, as his pressed a little harder against mine. He pulled away a little only to come back again. When his lips pressed against mine this time, I pressed back, using my grip on his hair to pull him closer to me. His fingers tangled into the hair flowing down my back, pushing us even closer together. He sucked on my bottom lip gently._

_I didn't know if this was how most first kisses normally went and frankly, I didn't care. It was chaste and tame. Soft and slow. It was probably no big deal for the rest of the world. But it was everything to me._

* * *

At last, Edward's lips left mine. I honestly couldn't tell you how long the kiss lasted even if my life depended on it. He didn't pull away completely, resting his forehead against mine. My eyes stayed closed. I felt completely out of it and I was shaking slightly, like I might pass out at any moment. _Oh right, you have to breathe Blondie._

"Ok, _now_ you can go," Edward whispered, his breath blowing over my lips.

_Go? Go where? That did not sound like a good idea at all. _

I opened my eyes reluctantly, blurting out exactly what was running through my mind at that moment. "But now I don't want to go."

He laughed quietly and placed a soft kiss on my forehead. "I don't want you to go either, but it's late." Then because he just _had _to tease me, like he always did, he added, "It's way past your bedtime."

"Are you going to tuck me in?"_ Woah, Bella. Where the hell did that come from? _This whole kissing thing had its advantages. I felt like I could say and do anything right now, be anything. There was no fear, no nagging questions and doubts dissecting every moment to pieces. I felt powerful, unbreakable. And I loved it.

His head moved to the crook of my neck and I felt him take a deep breath. Was he smelling my hair?

"Mmmm… absolutely," he mumbled into my hair and then stood up with a sigh. "Come on, off to bed."

I shook my head playfully, ready to pout and sulk if necessary. I still felt a little dizzy and out of it anyway so I don't think I could've stood up without completely embarrassing myself.

His hand was suddenly at the back of my knees as he swept me up and into his arms in one smooth, effortless movement, cradling my body against his chest and striding towards the door. I squealed like a silly girl from the shock of it. _Ok, unbreakable feeling over. _

"Edward! Edward, put me down." My hands instinctively curled around his neck, clinging to him. What if he dropped me? That wasn't exactly the fairy tale ending I had been fantasizing about.

He didn't react at all, acting like he hadn't even heard me.

"Edward, no, seriously. Put me down." I wriggled in his arms, trying to get out of his tight grip. The high of the kiss was quickly wearing off, my body and brain remembering that I wasn't someone who did stuff like this.

"Stop squirming," he ordered.

I didn't.

"You know, this is very ungentleman-like," I said, quickly switching tactics.

His smile fell for a moment, until he realized I was kidding. He never seemed to be able to tell when I was joking – probably because it was such a rare occurrence.

"Nice try, Swan. But seriously, stop squirming or I might just drop you. My arms are getting kind of tired actually… " Never missing an opportunity to mess with me, he started pretending that he was about to drop me, causing me to clutch even more tightly to his neck. I was really getting nervous now, being so close to him for so long.

Thankfully, just then, Mike casually strode into the room. He threw a quick glance in our direction. He didn't seem very surprised to see me fearfully clinging to Edward's chest. "Hey, man. You've got something on your shirt."

_Game over. Thank God._

"Very funny, Mike."

Edward still wasn't letting me down and I was getting more and more self-conscious by the second, especially now that we had an audience. I tugged on Edward's shirt to get his attention, willing to beg at this point.

"All right, all right. Down you go, little coward." He finally let me slide down and I blushed as our bodies brushed up against each other. My body was reacting in all sorts of new and alien ways… All sorts of strange feelings were hitting me all at once. It was like that kiss had opened the floodgates to something I had been repressing for a while. It was terrifying to say the least.

Edward just smirked knowingly at the sight of my stained cheeks, looking very pleased with himself. _Well, I guess it's a good thing my embarrassment amuses him - it is my most common reaction after all._

He picked up my bag from beside the door and started leading me out of their room. I turned and gave Mike a shy smile in goodbye but he didn't see it. He was fully focused on the magazine he was perusing, sprawled out on his bed. I guess this was pretty status-quo because Edward didn't even turn to look at him as he said goodbye. "See you later, Mike."

That seemed to finally get Mike's attention. "Are you leaving too, Ed?"

"Yeah, just for a little while. I'll be back soon."

"No, wait." Edward stopped and finally turned towards Mike. "Actually I need to talk to you, man." He looked pointedly at me and I knew what words he had left unsaid. Mike wanted to talk to Edward. _In private. _

Did he want to talk to him _about me_? No of course not, it was probably just something personal he only wanted Edward to know. _Geez, Bella, vain much?_

Edward looked between me and Mike with a puzzled look on his face. "Can't it wait? I'll be back in 30 minutes max."

Mike looked directly at me again and I started to squirm under his confusing gaze. "It can't wait. Please, man."

The room suddenly felt much stuffier. I was starting to feel like I was intruding on their private conversation and immediately began looking for escape routes. "That's all right, Edward. I'll just see you tomorrow in class."

Edward looked down at me disapprovingly, like I had said the wrong thing. This night had suddenly taken a very confusing turn. I had no idea what I had done wrong. I thought I was just being polite and giving everyone what they wanted, but Edward actually looked disappointed for a second, before he gave me a small smile and a nod. "Ok, same time as usual outside my building so we can walk to class together?"

I smiled back in relief now that his face was clear again. "Sounds good. Goodnight. Bye, Mike."

"See ya, Bella."

"Goodnight," Edward said as he opened the door for me. I left with a small wave and a quiet smile.

* * *

The cool night air felt amazing against my face as I meandered back to my dorm room. It was a beautiful night. Bright stars, gentle breeze. Perfect for quiet reflection. I wandered aimlessly around the campus for a while, replaying the day's events in my mind. It was difficult to play back the kiss though, because it had felt so surreal. I couldn't really remember physical details – just feelings and sensations. I wondered how it had felt for Edward. What if I hadn't been any good? Maybe that's why he was so insistent that I leave. Maybe he had finally realized how inexperienced I was and was rethinking things.

But he had specifically confirmed that we were meeting to walk to class together like we normally did… Unless he just didn't want to say anything in front of Mike?

And what was all that with Mike about? The looks Mike had given me were definitely new and confusing. But there were too many possibilities for me to be able to figure them out on my own right now.

_Stop it, Bella. Stop this right now. If you pick apart every moment, you'll never be able to enjoy anything. Just enjoy the kiss. Your first real kiss. _

That was easier said than done, but I decided I would at least try not to worry about everything tonight. And for once I was marginally successful. I just kept replaying the kiss over and over in my head, getting lost in the memory each time.

* * *

When I finally got back to my room, I didn't know what to do with myself. How do you just brush your teeth and put on your pyjamas and go to sleep like it's just any other day? _Like Edward freaking Cullen hadn't just kissed you? _

I looked around the room, waiting for it to just give me the answer. My glance fell on the journal Edward had given me for my birthday. It lay calmly on my desk, untouched since that day in the park and my first disastrous attempt at writing a story. It looked so unthreatening with its unassuming, ordinary leather cover, patiently waiting for my attention.

I chewed my lip uncertainly while I stared at it. Should I? Wouldn't it ruin my good mood? It very well might, but… it _would_ be something different to do tonight. Something special. And it was a small (ok tiny) connection to Edward – _he_ was the one who had bought it for me after all.

I adopted Edward's words from that day in the park as my new mantra, trying to will myself to pick up the damn thing.

_It was just the first try, Bella. Just for fun, no big deal._

Edward was right. It was no big deal. It shouldn't scare me so much. It was just for fun.

_Just for fun. Just for me._

I let the breath I had been holding whoosh out of my lungs in one go. _Here we go again…. _I would probably just end up depressed and in bed, staring at my ceiling and cursing myself for not just enjoying my night. _Bella, you masochist_....They could put that on my tombstone.

_Here goes nothing._ Attempt Number Two.

I opened the journal cautiously, as if it would suddenly grow fangs and bite me. I flipped through the first few pages as fast as I could, not wanting to remember exactly how badly things had gone the last time I had tried this. _Why was I doing this again?_

I found a blank page and pressed the tip of my pen to the paper. _Err… but what should I write about?_

I didn't want to write about the kiss. It was too good to spoil with my raw words.

So I just started writing, before I could change my mind completely and chicken out like always. Thinking about this rationally, this could actually be a wonderful escape for me – no editing, no pretending. I could just write my thoughts down as and when they occurred to me.

Tomorrow was the 13th so I decided to write about that. I wrote about how my mom and I had moved around a lot, changing houses often. At one point, we lived in a gated community of town houses. There were rows and rows of almost identical little houses, with only big black numbers by the doors to differentiate them. Except the number 13. When you got to number 12, the next one was 14. My mother had laughed, speculating that it was a typo of some sort but apparently it had been deliberate. The building company had decided 13 was an unlucky number so they would just skip it. Ten, Eleven, Twelve, Fourteen. _Genius._

Wouldn't that be great? The 13th was an unlucky day, so why not just decide to skip it? A worldwide sick day where everyone just stayed in bed, not wanting to tempt fate.

I kept writing, about everything and anything that came to mind. It wasn't a story by any means. This was a proper diary now – full of random thoughts and ideas I would never share with anyone. I couldn't stop writing and I had no idea why. I guess it was a little bit of a relief to finally let some of these thoughts go, in any form.

* * *

The next morning however, I started to question my actions. What if someone read it? Now it seemed ridiculously risky. Really dangerous to just leave some of my most private and confusing thoughts lying around. Especially since I wasn't sure I'd be able to stop writing in it now that I had realized it could help take the edge off.

I shoved it in my bag as I got ready to leave my room. I would just have to be really careful and never let it out of my sight. That was the plan. Protect it at all costs. It might just be worth it.

* * *

I walked quickly towards Edward's building so we could walk to class together as usual, clutching the bag with my journal in it tightly. I didn't want to admit it but I wasn't really looking forward to seeing him. I would much rather be in bed right now, having my unlucky 13th skip day. Our relationship was different and confusing now… I wasn't sure exactly what we were… boyfriend and girlfriend? Just dating? Exclusive? I had no idea what the appropriate label was and I was not willing to put myself through an awkward conversation just to find out. The less formal we made this whole thing, the better. It's easier to stay calm when you're in a constant state of denial – _trust me_.

I was also worried that he might have changed his mind. Maybe now that he knew what he would be missing, his interest would dissipate.

Once again, I found myself getting worked up over all the things that could go wrong. And it wasn't helping. _Bella, shut the hell up! Stop doing this, every single fucking time. _

I had to find a way to stop doing this to myself. For the millionth time, I decided to try to worry less. _Yeah right._

I would just let Edward lead and keep up as best as I could. When you stripped my situation down to the basics, that was really the only option open to me.

When I finally got to his building, he and Mike were already outside waiting for me. All my own insecurities were pushed to the back of my mind when I got close enough to see their faces. They didn't look happy. At all. They were rigidly standing further apart from each other than usual, both with tense, irritated looks on their faces. _Was I late? Were they just upset because they had to wait for me?_ I glanced down at my watch to check but I was actually four minutes early. _Had I misunderstood when we were supposed to meet?_

"Hey. Sorry I'm late," I apologized automatically when I reached them.

"You're not late, Bella," Edward replied tersely, that same look of disapproval on his face as last night. My gaze dropped to my shoes out of habit, ashamed that I had let him down somehow.

We all started walking to class in silence. The tension between Mike and Edward was palpable and I had no idea what to do about it. Had they had some of kind of argument last night? Was it about me? Should I ask them if something was wrong?

It was probably safest for me to just mind my own business, so naturally that's what I did. I kept my eyes glued to my shoes and walked beside them quietly. The moments crawled by.

After several long minutes of silence, I felt Edward's long fingers gently brush against mine. I thought it was just an accident because we were walking side by side but then they slowly curled around mine. He was smiling down at me apologetically. I smiled back at him, relieved that he wasn't mad at me anymore. The tension between us dissolved and we walked the rest of the way to class, holding hands quietly.

* * *

For the rest of the day, things between us felt fairly normal. It wasn't what I expected at all. I don't know why but I thought the kiss would cause some kind of monumental shift in every aspect of our relationship, but it really didn't. We were friends first, something more second. We studied like we usually did in the library that afternoon. He teased me mercilessly like always and we bickered over the correct answer to the work. Then we went to a nearby restaurant to get dinner. That wasn't something different for us but the more typical routine was to get take out or cook something ourselves and go back to Edward's dorm room. I got the feeling Edward wouldn't be inviting me over there again anytime soon. I guess this thing with Mike was serious. I probably should've asked Edward about it, but I didn't. If he wanted to tell me, he would.

He walked me back to my room and I felt the awkwardness creep in with each step. What if that kiss last night had been a fluke and I flinched away again? Would Edward go slowly again or would he expect me to do more this time?

We stood outside my door, just looking at each other. The silence felt heavy. The air was thick with expectation and questions over what was to come. It was exactly the sort of atmosphere that usually sent me running for the hills.

"So, um, I guess I should go. Goodnight." I spoke uncertainly, turning to unlock my door.

Edward reached out and placed his hand on the door by my head, blocking me. "No you don't. I want a proper kiss goodnight." He grinned playfully.

He was so calm. It gave me hope.

"You do?" I whispered, trying to draw as much strength as possible from him.

He moved closer, his body almost touching mine. I shivered involuntarily.

"I do. And you want it too. Look at you, you're shaking. You're intoxicated by my very presence." He teased me with that smirk of his and I rolled my eyes. _Not that he was wrong. _

He inched closer, heading for my forehead again. I waited for that irrational fear to claim my body and dictate my actions but it wasn't there. There was only good fear. Good nerves. It's funny how you can be absolutely terrified of something one minute and then suddenly crave it the next. I guess once you've done something once, it doesn't seem so scary anymore. Ok, I was lying. It was still scary but in a good way now. It was good nerves now and they were manageable. They made me feel the anticipation in my toes, the excitement of what I knew was coming… they didn't paralyze me like before.

So when he started trailing kisses down my temple, I pulled away slightly. I think I was ready to try this without the warm up.

He felt me pull away and he searched my eyes, the concern and disappointment written all over his face. I just smiled at him and stared at his mouth. My finger gingerly traced his bottom lip.

And then _I _kissed _him_.

And he kissed back. It was chaste and sweet like the first time, but this time it was completely deliberate. No warm up necessary.

We said goodnight again with our lazy grins and I slowly headed inside my room, too dazed to go at normal speed.

That night, I went back to the journal and started emptying my head again. It was getting easier to not self-edit. I was only talking to myself but… it was something.

The journal was definitely helping.

**

* * *

**

**EDIT: The ridiculously long A/N has been edited out because I want to address its contents in an upcoming chapter (chp32). I think the later chapter is a better place for it. The main point was basically to make clear that Bella does not have a secret dark past so if that's the type of story you're looking for, this isn't it. The A/N is still on the Twilighted thread though. **


	14. Don't think about the big picture

**Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. REMINDER: THIS STORY IS RATED M. It's never going to get very graphic because that wouldn't fit Bella's character but I do want to talk about certain aspects of their relationship.**

_**Last few chapters: Bella and Edward finally shared a chaste kiss. Bella started writing in her journal. And Edward and Mike had a little fight. Also a reminder that in chapter 5 when Bella fantasises about Edward she can't always see the scene from her eyes and often conjures up an improved stunt-double version of herself. This chapter is a few days after the kiss.**_

* * *

"A single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives." Thoreau

_

* * *

Come on, come on, come on!_ I lingered uncomfortably at the end of the counter at Starbucks where you're supposed to wait for your drink. I was already on edge over what I was about to do and the incompetence of the person serving me was not helping my mood. I watched him make a drink, then throw it away and start again. God! How fucking difficult is it to make a cappuccino? It's not like I ordered something complicated. Of course, with my luck, it was probably this guy's first day on the job.

It was absurdly early and I was the only one waiting. The guy that had taken my order, having no one else to serve, drifted over to the imbecile trying to make my drink. _Like he needed the distraction. _

"John, man, how are you feeling after last night?"

"Dude, I'm exhausted. Barely got an hour's sleep last night. I can't focus at all this morning."

I guess it wasn't his first day after all. He was just hung over or something. _Fucking perfect._ Whatever little patience I had left drained away. This moron was going to make me late. Over the last few days, I had taken to writing in my journal every morning and every night. Emptying my head just helped me feel calmer as I went about my day. Last night I had come up with another idea though. It was silly but I was hopeful. I was going to get up early and come to a café before class and write in my journal there – in public. Sort of. It wasn't a major step forward – I would still only be talking to myself and I'm not sure why I thought it would be good to do it, but I had decided to do it nonetheless. I was supposed to meet Edward in 45 minutes and I would still need to walk back to his dorm building. Plus I wanted to leave enough time to buy him a coffee as well before I left. Naturally, I had gotten stuck with Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum here who were screwing up my plans.

I glanced over at them again. They were still chatting away, not doing their jobs. _Fucking incompetent, idiotic, lazy, self-absorbed bast-_

My juvenile rant was disrupted by Tweedle Dum finally placing my drink on the counter. "Here you go, darlin'. Sorry about the wait."

My reply was automatic. "Oh no, that's all right. No problem. Thank you so much." _God I am such a fucking doormat._

I grabbed my drink and quickly found a table in one of the more secluded corners, much more upset with myself now than with the inept staff. I ended up writing out what I wished I had said to Tweedle Dum. It was marvelously witty of course, like everything I say in hindsight always is. I still felt like a doormat afterwards but it felt good to let it out. Then I moved on to other things, scribbling quickly so that I wouldn't be late meeting Edward. It was really strange. Spilling your insecure thoughts and doubtful dreams while ordinary people went about their lives mere yards from where you sat. I kept stopping and looking around worriedly whenever I heard someone pass close by. I was just so afraid that somehow someone could read everything, but I tried to keep going, hoping this little exercise would somehow help me loosen up a little more. Thank God it was early and there weren't that many people around. I'm not sure how much good it did in the end, but it was worth a try.

Just as I was making my way out of the café, my cell phone rang.

"Hello."

"Bella, dear, hello! I'm sorry to call you so early – I didn't wake you did I, sweetie?"

"No, no, mom. I'm just on my way to class actually."

"Oh, ok sweetie. I'll make this quick then. I know you have a break from school coming up and I was wondering if you'd like to spend it with me and Phil in Jacksonville? It will be nice and sunny."

Was that supposed to be some kind of incentive? I hated sunny. I used to like it when I was younger I guess, but living in Forks, I had grown oddly attached to the constant rain. Maybe because it meant I always had a coat and a hood to hide under.

"Err. I don't know, mom. I've got a lot of work to do for my classes and it would be really helpful if I was near a decent library."

"Oh, ok. I understand." As usual, it took me by surprise just how disappointed she sounded that she might not get to see me.

"Maybe I can come by for a few days, then go see Charlie for a bit and then come back to college early. Does that sound all right?"

"Yes, that sounds wonderful. When?"

"Um, I don't know. Can I call you later to iron out the details? I have to go right now, mom. Edward's waiting for me."

And that's where I fucked up.

"Who's Edward, sweetie?"

Fuck.

"Just my study partner, mom. Gotta go. Call you later. Bye."

Shit. I wondered if she believed me. Well, there was really no reason for her not to. It's not like I ever mentioned boyfriends and I wasn't about to start now. My mom still said things like "_when_ you get married" or "_when_ you have kids," like it was all fucking inevitable, but I didn't want to get her hopes up unnecessarily. If things with Edward crashed and burned (which was the most likely outcome) I didn't want to have to explain why to my mother. Not to mention the constant questions she'd have about him if I called him my "boyfriend." I didn't like thinking about Edward like that at all. He was just Edward or my study partner or my friend or my "something more." The "b" word was just too scary. _Fuck the labels. I didn't want them._ It was best to keep things casual, always open-ended and undefined.

I turned the corner to see Edward waiting outside his building by himself.

"Where's Mike?" I inquired half-heartedly when I got close enough.

"Sleeping in," he mumbled, stealing my hand and giving me a quick kiss on the lips. Things hadn't really gotten beyond chaste kisses over the last few days. Sometimes he would kiss my hand or my neck, rub my shoulder or place his arm around me. Little things. I suppose I should've been grateful. God knows I wasn't too crazy about PDA. But it was also a little worrying. I kept expecting him to take things further but he never did. _Why not?_ He's the guy isn't he? Shouldn't he be trying to stick his tongue down my throat or something? It was definitely a little worrying and more than a little annoying. I wanted the proper kissing now. I was ready for the proper kissing now. At least I thought I was.

"Where are you coming from? I expected you to arrive from the opposite direction."

"I was early so I went to buy a coffee. Here I got you one too." I handed him the black Americano I had bought for him. He took a sip cautiously.

"Aw, you remembered."

I just smiled at him. _Like I would forget._ I knew how he liked his coffee from those times when he used to tell me random information about himself that he could quiz me on later.

"Thanks, buttercup. How much do I owe you?"

I groaned audibly. Why did he feel the need to always pay for everything? "You don't owe me anything, Edward. It's just coffee. I paid this time; you can pay next time, all right?"

"All right, fine."

"Although if you want to repay me, you could cut out the silly pet names." Ever since that kiss when I guess we had officially become "something more," Edward had found a new way to tease me. He kept coming up with these insane pet names that didn't suit me at all. Buttercup? _Yeah right, that's me. _

"Lovebug, please. You know you love them." I couldn't help but laugh at that one. I should've known better than to protest. That usually just made the teasing worse. And besides, although I definitely didn't love them (they didn't fit me _at all_), I did enjoy playing along and it seemed to make him happy. In the back of my mind though, I couldn't help but be suspicious. He would do all sorts of silly things like that and I was starting to wonder whether he had an ulterior motive. I think he was trying to distract me. It was genius really because he was so subtle. If it had been obvious he was just saying these things to distract me, it wouldn't work. It would just make me even more self-conscious about the fact that I _needed_ to be distracted. But he made everything seem so natural and effortless, truly genuine. The impression he gave was of someone who just felt like saying something, so he did. I couldn't tell for sure whether it was even partly an act. Whether it was intentional or not, I couldn't deny the fact that it worked. His jokes definitely made me feel calmer. His playful teasing definitely helped to distract me from the terrifying truth staring me in the face. The truth was that I was embarking on a real relationship with someone. And that was fucking terrifying.

"So anything interesting happen?" He had also started asking more questions recently. Questions about my day, my parents, my life back in Forks. I did my best to answer honestly but talking about myself wasn't something I found particularly enjoyable so for the most part, I kept my answers brief. Ok _really_ brief. It was all boring anyway, I was sure he didn't really want to know most of it. I suppose I could've told him about Tweedle Dum this morning but I already felt better after writing about it in my journal and didn't really see the point.

"Nope."

There were much more interesting things for us to discuss. Like his day, his parents and his life back in Chicago.

He looked at me in that peculiarly disapproving way I had begun to recognize, but still didn't completely understand. Had I said something wrong? I tried to expand a little, just in case. "I got the coffee, my mother called. That was it."

"Oh really? Are you going to spend the entire break with her and Phil in Jacksonville?"

"Yes I am. Although I'll probably also go see Charlie in Forks for a while."

I wasn't entirely sure why I lied to him. He caught me off-guard with the question and I wasn't sure how to respond. Was I supposed to discuss stuff like that with him first now that we were more than friends? I guess I didn't want him to feel obligated to stay at college too just because I was. If somehow I got caught, I could always say Charlie decided to go fishing or something and I came back early.

"Are you going back to Chicago?"

"Not sure yet. I promised Emmett I would visit him and Rose."

"That sounds like fun."

"Yeah, I guess."

It surprised me that he didn't seem too excited at the prospect. I knew that he had a close relationship with his brothers. But I wasn't sure if it was any of my business, so I hastily changed the subject. We quickly slipped into our usual routine. We went to the first class we had in common, then we separated when our schedules diverged and met up again late in the afternoon to hang out and study in the library. He rarely invited me back to his room these days, so he walked me back to my dorm straight after dinner.

* * *

"Goodnight, Bella." He pressed his lips to mine, tangling one hand into my hair. It lasted a few moments longer than it usually did, but it was still over far too quickly. And it was still far too chaste. Why wasn't he deepening the kiss? What was the problem?

Maybe he was waiting until we could have some proper privacy somewhere. I hadn't really been welcome in his dorm room because Mike had been around over the last few days and he never asked to come up to my room. I, of course, still hadn't worked up the nerve to invite him in.

But tonight was the night. We needed somewhere to hang out now that his room was off-limits and mine was perfect. No annoying roommates and I had my own bathroom. And sure, it would be a little awkward for me to watch him roam freely amongst all my belongings but I had already survived worse. This was the natural next step. I could do this and I would do this. I had already gone through the entire room, tidying it up and hiding anything I was too embarrassed to let Edward see.

The room was ready. My journal was safely lying at the bottom of my bag. Yep, this was it. Now there was just the tiny, insignificant matter of actually inviting him in.

I fumbled with my keys, trying to buy myself a little time to calm my racing heart. _We've been alone before. This is no big deal. Just ask him. He'll say yes. I think. God, I hope he says yes. Otherwise this will be completely humiliating._

"Um."

_Ok, deep breath. Just do it. Just like ripping off a band-aid._

"Do you want to… come in… and hang out?" Why did my voice have to sound so pathetic and weak?

"Yes." He smiled softly and I felt my body start breathing again.

_Thank God._

"Ok, um," I unlocked my door, then stepped inside, flipped the light switch and turned back to face him, "come on in."

"Thanks." He walked in and closed the door behind him with a soft thud. Every footstep he took sounded so loud. I could already feel my cheeks turning pink as he started looking around my room. I went to open the window. It was a good distraction.

"This is interesting." He was looking at the only poster I had on my wall. It was an early black and white image of a half-built Eiffel Tower.

"Yeah, I thought it looked cool." Of course now I thought I was an idiot. Who puts a picture of an unfinished structure on their wall?

"It is. Wow, you have almost as many books as I have DVDs." He moved on to my bookshelf and I held my breath, feeling really fucking thankful that I had had the sense to hide some of the more embarrassing titles at the back of my closet.

"I've always wanted to read this one." He picked out one of my books and held it up for me to see. "Can I borrow it sometime?"

He was holding a thin little book by J.D. Salinger called _Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters and Seymour: An Introduction._ It was one of my favorites and although the prospect of discussing it with him was pathetically exciting, I was painfully aware of the fact that I had written all over my copy, underlining bits that I found interesting and writing little notes in the margin. I would have to go through it before I let him read it or erase them or something.

"Um, sure. Later, though." I watched him place it safely back on the shelf. "Shall I try to find a DVD to watch? My collection doesn't compare to yours but I think I can find something decent."

"Sure." He took off his shoes and sprawled out on my bed, picking up the fuzzy stuffed sheep by my pillow and placing it on his chest. I was pretty sure I'd never be able to look at that sheep in the same way again. His shirt rode up a little and I couldn't help but stare at him stupidly for a moment, before remembering I was supposed to be looking for a movie for us to watch. Never mind the fact that I would probably barely be able to sleep in that bed now. Not when I knew that Edward had been lying on top of it all night. I was having all sorts of … impure thoughts… especially now that I had permission.

"This all right?" I asked, holding up the DVD case so he could see it. He glanced at it briefly.

"Sure. I really don't mind. Anything's fine." He didn't seem too concerned and frankly neither was I. It was the first time we had really been alone for an extended period of time since the kiss. As soon we started "watching" the movie, his hands were on me. Running his hand up and down my arm, playing with my hair. I might've been just as eager. I leaned into his touch, shamelessly closing my eyes and enjoying the moment.

I felt so safe when I was in his arms. Of course, I also felt petrified at the same time… It didn't make any sense, but then again none of this did.

And God, he smelled good.

He started placing little soft, warm kisses all over my neck and face. I couldn't help myself; I sighed a little. Then his lips found mine and we were back to familiar territory. My body was completely relaxed. I waited for him to deepen the kiss… to move us forward like he usually did.

Nothing.

I couldn't figure out what was wrong. We were alone, I was relaxed and clearly enjoying myself… did he not want to do anything more? Finally, it occurred to me that maybe he was waiting for me to initiate things. I suppose that might've seemed sensible. I was the one who usually pulled away… maybe he was waiting for me. At the same time however, sensible as it was, it was also a fucking terrible idea because I had no clue what to do.

I pulled away minutely, our lips still touching lightly. Then I tentatively licked my lips, hoping he'd understand what I was trying to tell him. Since we were still so close, my tongue grazed his bottom lip.

That half-second while I waited for him to respond was one of the most charged moments of my entire life. I didn't dare open my eyes. I just stayed perfectly still and waited. I could hear my heart going crazy. Did he understand?

Yes, he did.

I felt his lips part and then something warm and wet ran along my bottom lip. I didn't really know what to do so I just opened my lips slowly. I was so far out of my comfort zone it was comical. I was more than a little bit awkward. I decided whatever he did, I would just copy him as best as I could.

To be honest, when he touched his tongue to mine, it felt a little weird.

Good weird though.

I felt one of his warm hands on the back of my neck and suddenly our lips were moving together in earnest, my hands eagerly exploring his back. It was light and soft at first, slow and gentle, but I was already finding it increasingly difficult to keep track of who was making which sounds and whose hands were where. I couldn't tell if he was easing me down onto the pillows or if I was pulling him. Things were becoming fuzzy around the edges and we were both already breathing heavily. I'm not exactly sure what happened… I guess my body was acting on instinct because pretty soon we were in a full make-out session. Accurate perceptions of time started to slip.

We were both fully horizontal, Edward almost completely on top me. One of his hands was beside my head, holding him up, and the other was running up my thigh, coming to rest at my waist.

It felt incredible, albeit slightly overwhelming. And there was something hard nudging my thigh. Like a complete moron, I tried to figure out what it might be. But when his fingers slipped underneath the hem of my shirt at my waist, everything suddenly clicked and my head finally caught up with my body.

_Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god._

He was… hard. And he had his hand up my shirt.

_Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. _

What was he expecting? How far did he want to go? How far did I want to go? How far could I go?

I had wanted us to progress a little but I just wasn't ready for _this_… I had had no time to get myself used to the idea and I wasn't exactly a spontaneous person.

I tensed up immediately, pushed his hand away and backed away towards the wall. I tried desperately to clear my head and catch my breath.

I shot up off the bed, looking anywhere but at Edward. I wrapped my arms around myself and surrendered to all the horrifying thoughts bombarding my brain.

What the hell was I thinking? I wasn't ready for this. God I was _so good_ at fucking with myself. All day, every day for the last few months, I would fantasize about me and Edward finally being together as a real couple. I pined for him like a silly schoolgirl. But now that it was actually happening, I realized I wasn't ready for any of it. And I wasn't sure if I ever would be.

Even if he was willing to wait for now, eventually he'd want to do more stuff like this. He'd want to touch me and expect me to touch him… there. God, I couldn't even think the word, how the hell was I going to actually do any of these things? He'd want to have … sex… eventually… with me. Isn't that what relationships are all about? He'd see me naked, every flaw and scar and embarrassing detail. _Oh my god. Oh my god. _

Shit what was I going to do? Maybe I could tell him I was Catholic or something and don't believe in sex before marriage. Although to be perfectly honest the prospect of sex _after_ marriage seemed completely horrifying right now as well.

What if I could never give him all the things he deserved? Should I just break up with him now instead of stringing him along with empty promises?

"Bella." My eyes snapped back to Edward. He was staring at me. He looked scared and he was still panting a little. "Bella, I'm sorry. I got carried away. I'm sorry."

"No, it's fine. It's me. It's not your fault." _It's not your fault I'm incapable of a normal relationship. It's not your fault I can't do any of this. _

It wasn't his fault that I wasn't ready. But what if I never felt ready? I stared at him still sitting on my bed and tried to imagine taking my clothes off in front of him one day, the real me this time and not my fantasy stunt-double. But I couldn't. Right now, it didn't feel like I'd ever be ready to really be intimate with him. It all felt so daunting right now. Like looking up from the foot of a mountain and seeing just how far you have to climb. It was too much. Too difficult.

"It's getting late, so maybe you should go."

He stared back at me like I had just slapped him in the face.

"Bella, no. I'm sorry. Let's just finish watching the movie. Please, Bella." He reached out for my hand, trying to bring me back to the bed. "Just sit with me and watch the movie with me right now. Please."

He locked eyes with me, pleading with me to understand.

Just sit and watch the movie? Could things really be so simple? I think I knew what he was telling me because I had been saying it to myself over and over since the day I met him.

_One step at a time. _

_Don't think about the big picture._

The big picture is fucking scary as hell. Body parts and sex and getting felt up and being naked in front of someone else. It was all terrifying. But watching a movie with Edward was no big deal. We had already done that many times. We had kissed and snuggled. That was almost comfortable now even though it had seemed completely impossible before. Maybe everything else would be possible one day too.

The more I thought about it, the calmer I felt. I would be ready one day or I wouldn't be. Edward would wait for me or he wouldn't. Things would work out or they wouldn't. I had no way of telling right now. It was all too far away to see. But if I focused on one little step at a time, maybe one day I'd look around and realize I was at the top of that mountain. Or maybe I wouldn't. Either way, it was too early to think about that right now. So I wouldn't. The uncertainty of it all was strangely reassuring. I didn't know for sure that I would never be ready and that gave me a little hope.

_One step at a time._ I would just have to keep telling myself that until I didn't need hear it anymore.

Ok so I hadn't handled things very well today. I freaked out and overreacted. But Edward was still here, waiting for me to climb back on the bed with him, and watch that stupid movie. And that's exactly what I planned on doing. I would just try again. And tomorrow I would wake up and try some more.

"Ok." I sat back down and shifted close to Edward again. I felt bad for panicking like that and scaring him. I placed one of his arms around me and snuggled up to him like before, hugging his middle and resting my head on his chest. I felt him let out a relieved breath into my hair. He brought his other arm around my back as well, pulling me even closer.

"Thank you, my little blossom."

I couldn't help but laugh and I'm sure that's exactly what Edward wanted. _That thoughtful, manipulative, wonderful jerk._ "Edward! That one is even worse."

"Ok, ok."

We sat cuddled up together, quiet for a moment, although clearly neither of us was really watching the movie. It was quiet but not uncomfortable. I was relieved to realize that I still felt safe in his arms. He was solid and warm and he was here with me.

"Bella?"

I tilted my face up to look at him. "Yes?"

"I'm really sorry."

And he looked it. I gently smoothed a lock of hair away from his face. "It's ok. Really. It was my fault. I overreacted. _I'm_ sorry."

He grasped my hand tightly and kissed it. "Let's just call it a tie and forget about it."

"I've already forgotten." Ok so that wasn't completely true, but I smiled at him anyway, comforted that we were ok, and happily accepted his soft kiss. "Well, maybe just the very end though… I don't _want_ to forget the rest." Naturally, my cheeks were pink before I got to the end of that sentence.

When I saw his smirk reappear I knew we were all right again. He rested his forehead against mine and tightened his grip around me. "Me neither, gum drop."

**

* * *

A/N: So, just because they're together, everything isn't suddenly easy. I know I keep going on about this "one step a time" thing but I feel like that's the reality for Bella – no one epiphany is going to suddenly fix everything, she has to work at it every day. **

**Links to various things can be found in my profile: the Eiffel Tower poster, playlist, thread on Twilighted (many thanks to purpledragonfly74 for starting it). For those who asked about the fight between Mike and Edward, I gave away the gist there if you're interested. I'm kind of new to posting but I'm happy to post teasers when I can and answer questions etc. Come by if you're bored and help me come up with some more silly pet names to annoy Bella. **

**Many thanks to my wonderful beta, thequietlife, and anyone who has reviewed/PM'ed me. :)  
**


	15. Masking the Quiet

**Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. **

_Last chapter: Bella kept writing in her journal. She lied to Edward about going home for the college break. They made out. Bella freaked out and Edward calmed her down. This chapter is a while later – during the college break._

* * *

_God I miss him. So fucking much. I want to call him. I'm going to call him._ _Will he mind if I call him? _

It was so quiet. The kind of quiet that makes you feel restless from the inside.

The breaks from college usually seemed too short, but now the time stretched out mercilessly in front of me. I didn't count in days anymore. I would lie in bed, counting minutes instead of sheep. I felt like I had forgotten how to study, how to go about my day. Now that it was just me again, I had forgotten what to do with myself.

The whole campus was comatose. Then again, maybe that was just because I felt so alone. I couldn't understand it. I had been alone countless times. I usually spent vacations by myself, catching up on sleep and class work, but it all felt different now. I had never felt so goddamn lonely before.

I kept my laptop on day and night, blaring music or movies. Edward had left some of his DVDs in my room and I watched them over and over. Anything to mask the quiet.

But it was useless. I tried to write in my journal, but every subject somehow led back to Edward. Almost everything in my room reminded me of him.

I kept staring at that stupid fuzzy sheep, remembering how Edward had placed it on his chest in order to better examine it, while he had been lounging on my bed. And my bed… ugh. The damn thing was practically radiating memories. I could see us making out on it, like we had been doing almost every night for the rest of our time together before the college break. With finals upon us, we had spent every day in the library studying and quizzing each other, before coming back to my room to wind down. We'd talk and cuddle and often end up horizontal on my bed. Edward stayed later and later each night. The more we kissed, the more I became aware of the little things I had been too overwhelmed to notice the first time. Like exactly what his mouth tasted like or what his hot breath felt like against my neck. And how it felt when he kissed my neck… god. I had no idea making out could be so much fun.

I was still awkward, but I think I was getting better at the physical stuff. I tried not to think about it too much and just kept copying Edward's actions. It was starting to feel almost natural, being with him that way. I must have been doing something right because mini-Edward made an appearance almost every time. My first reaction was always fear when I felt him pressed against my thigh, ready and willing to go much, much further. But I was also starting to kind of like it. I was making him feel good and that thought helped push away some of the panic. It felt exciting that I could do that to him. God knows it was obvious what he could do to me.

Of course, the fact that Edward was always so careful with me probably had a lot to do with keeping me calm as well. He had seen me freak out. He knew I wasn't ready and I knew he wasn't going to pressure me. His hands never strayed far. He'd rub up and down my arms, or massage my neck or run his fingers over my cheek. He didn't wander far below my shoulders. He was always in control of what we did and kept things slow and gentle. As soon as it started to build and become almost frenzied, he'd groan and roll off me. I could tell he was frustrated, because I was too. But frustrated or not, we both knew I wasn't ready for more.

I shook my head, hoping it would chase the memories away. They were making me miss him even more. I tried to concentrate on my book, but naturally I had chosen the one I had "lent" to Edward. I hadn't managed to erase all the stuff I had scribbled in the margins, so I ended up buying a new copy and letting Edward borrow that one during the break.

* * *

_I kept bending the spine of the poor little book, trying to make it look like it had been read before, while I waited for Edward to come out of the bathroom attached to my room. He finally came out and took a seat on my bed next to me._

"_Hey. Oh is that the book? Thanks."_

"_Sure, no problem," I said as I handed it over. He started reaching for his bag to put it away, but I placed my hand on his forearm to stop him._

"_Edward?"_

"_Yeah?"_

"_You know what the book is about, right?"_

"_Isn't it two short stories about siblings?"_

"_Um, yes but um, especially in the second one, Buddy Glass is writing about his dead brother."_

"_Oh."_

_I watched his face fall like I knew it would. _

"_Is it graphic?" he asked quietly, staring at his hands._

"_No, not at all. He just describes him, mainly when he was young, but I just thought I'd warn you. I know I was kind of squeamish for a long time after." _

"_Squeamish… yeah." We hadn't really talked about his grandmother or death for a while so I wasn't sure where he was in his head. This whole relationship stuff was pretty distracting. I just wanted to give him a heads-up. Bad memories have a way of waiting for you in the shadows and jumping out when you least expect them. _

"_It's not bad at all. And it's a really good book. I'm really looking forward to discussing it with you." _Why did I still feel so embarrassed just admitting I liked talking to him?

_That seemed to cheer him up and he met my eyes again, grinning. "I'll call and we can talk about it."_

_Oh right, because it was our last night together. I had almost managed to suppress that annoying bit of information. _

_My face must have reflected my thoughts because Edward dropped the book and put his arms around me, pulling me into his chest. My arms curled around him automatically and my cheek nuzzled into its usual spot on his chest. _

_He coaxed my chin up with his finger so that I was looking up at him. _

"_I'll call a lot."_

_I nodded dumbly as his eyes dropped to my lips. It wasn't gentle tonight. There was an undercurrent of urgency in his kisses. Maybe even just plain old desperation. The intensity was a little scary but I could handle it. We both knew this was the last time we'd be together for a while and I wasn't going to waste it feeling sorry for myself. When he pulled away so we could breathe, I just didn't want it to end. _

Just a few more minutes.

_I kissed softly up and down his neck, hoping it felt as good for him as when he did it to me. I remembered how amazing it felt when he lingered on this spot right below my ear and tried to return the favour. My tongue darted out uncertainly. It was kind of weird when you stopped to think about it. I was actually licking another person's neck. But when my tongue found that spot and Edward moaned, I really didn't care about the logistics. I just wanted him to make that sound again. And again. _

He's enjoying this. You can do this. Keep going. You know he's enjoying this.

_I pushed on his shoulders timidly. He caught on quickly and moved to lie flat on his back. I kind of liked that I was on top for once. I tried not to put all my weight on him, like he usually did for me. His hands stayed glued to my lower back. I felt really stupid doing this, but if Edward could do it for me then I could at least try to do it for him. _

_When I started to tentatively suck on that spot his breath hitched and his hands fisted my shirt. I smiled into his neck and ran my hand up and down his chest. I liked feeling him, solid and real beneath me. _

He's enjoying this. He's enjoying this. He's enjoying this.

_Encouraged by his death grip, I ventured further into the Promised Land, getting to know the rest of his neck and under his chin. When I got to his jaw, I trailed little kiss all the way up, taking my time like I wanted to. I really wanted to kiss his hair, so I did. _That's not too weird right?

_When I got to his ear, I hesitated. _I wish I was the kind of girl who could whisper something semi-dirty to you, Edward. But I'm not._ So I just nuzzled it a little with the tip of my nose and kissed it. The neck thing seemed like it had been a success, so I decided to try out another one of Edward's tricks. I flicked his ear lobe lightly with my tongue, feeling really fucking silly. Well, until I realized he was breathing rather heavily. _Was his reaction really because of me and my awkward kisses?

_I repositioned my hips uncertainly, looking for more evidence that I was doing this right. The awkward, silly feeling didn't go away but it lessened a little every time I managed to make Edward squirm. When I started sucking gently on his earlobe, something inside Edward seemed to snap. He flipped us over faster than I thought possible. _

_He was staring down at me, his eyes wild. _

_He had never looked at me like that before – like I was the only person he could see, the only girl he'd ever seen. The hunger in his eyes… it scared the shit out of me but I couldn't look away. I couldn't believe that look was for me. For me. Because of me._

No, this can't be real. I must have made him up. He's not real. That look could never be for me.

_I needed to check that he was real. My hand reached out to touch the pale skin by the corner of his eye. I was completely hypnotized by the intensity in his eyes, staring back at him in wonder. _

_Just as my fingers made contact, the hunger drained from his eyes. _

_He captured my trembling fingers and brought them to his lips. _

"_I should go," he murmured into my open palm, placing another little kiss in the middle. _

_I nodded stupidly. I had no idea what the fuck just happened but I knew it was over now. Even more disturbingly, I had no idea whether I was relieved or disappointed. _

_He climbed off the bed, helping me up and grabbing his bag from the floor. He drew me in for one last hug. _

"_I'll call," he said into my hair, kissing the top of my head._

_I let him go reluctantly, blinking rapidly to hold the tears at bay. _What the fuck was wrong with me? He was going home for the break, not shipping off to Vietnam.

_He was almost out the door when he turned to face me again. "You call me too, ok? Bye, Bella."_

* * *

He had called me. He called me to tell me that he arrived in Chicago. He said both his brothers had decided to come back too, so the whole family was hanging out at his parents' house.

Then he called me again the next day, asking me how my break was going. I had still been with my mom in Jacksonville then, tactfully avoiding her oh-so-casual questions about my new study partner. I told him about all the shopping trips she was dragging me on and he laughed. I told him I was packing to go visit Charlie in Forks and he asked me to let him know when I got there. I texted him when I arrived and he called me again a few times over the next few days. We discussed the book and I was happy to find out that he was enjoying it.

That hadn't been too bad. At least I had Renee and Charlie to distract me in-between his calls. But now I was back in college - early. Judging by the amount of people in the library, there were probably only a handful of students who had decided to stay and work. And now I was completely alone again. He kept calling every day, but it got harder and harder to talk to him because I couldn't answer the majority of his questions honestly. He thought I had gone back to Jacksonville after Forks and kept asking me what my mom and I were up to. If I gave in and called him now, I'd have to lie through my teeth when he asked me about my day.

_I shouldn't call him. I hate lying to him. But I want to call him. Really fucking badly._

God! If I had known I would feel this awful and out of it when Edward wasn't around, I would have stopped talking to him after that first day in the library. Of course, it was too late for that now.

_That's it. I can't take this anymore. I'm fucking calling him._

I threw down the book and went to switch off the music. I flopped down on my bed again and dialed the number I had long ago memorized. The only sound now was the impatient rings on the other end.

"Hello."

"Hi, Edward." It came out sounding suspiciously like a sigh. It was ridiculous how happy I felt just hearing his voice again. _You're so pathetic Bella, it's only been a day since his last call! _

"Bella, is everything ok?" He was clearly shocked that _I_ had called _him_ for a change.

"Oh, um, yes. Everything's fine, Edward." I couldn't help but repeat his name again. I wanted to use it as much as possible because I was completely pathetic and missed just being able to say his name out loud. "I just… felt like calling." I swallowed nervously and gripped the phone. "Is that ok?"

He answered in an uncharacteristically serious manner. "Of course it's ok, Bella. It's more than ok."

He sighed loudly – I could almost hear him running his fingers through his hair - before resuming his normal, teasing tone. "I miss you, Poobelle."

_God, I must be in deep. I even miss his silly pet names. _

_Wait – what? He misses me? Really? _I mean, of course I knew I would miss him, but with Emmett and Jasper and all his old high school friends there, I didn't dare hope that he might miss me too.

"I err, I miss you too, Edward." It was actually much easier to admit that than I thought it would be. _Huh. Weird._ Maybe it was just because it had always been easier for me to talk to people over the phone. He couldn't see my face and I couldn't see his. Of course, he could still hear my voice tremble.

Or maybe it was so easy to admit because it was the truth and I was sick of lying to him. It felt good to finally say it out loud. _I miss you, Edward_. "A lot."

"I know, Bella. I don't think I've ever had so little fun with Emmett and Jasper."

"Oh, I'm sorry you're not having a good time." _Is that really true or is he just saying that because he feels like he has to?_ "Wasn't the family barbecue fun?"

"Yeah, I guess. It was great having everyone together for an afternoon. Even Rosalie honored us with an appearance."

Rosalie was Emmett's fiancé. Edward spent much of our phone calls complaining about her. She sounded very intimidating. His whole family did, really. It was the only reason I was happy to have so many miles between us.

"What about you? Was going to watch Phil play entertaining? I didn't really figure you for a baseball fan, to be honest."

I wasn't, but I had been running low on good lies at that point.

"It was fine." I tried to hold in the frustrated groan but he heard it anyway. I was so furious with myself for lying to him about coming back to college early. I wasn't even sure why I had done it. And now it meant I had to keep lying. I didn't like it. Not one bit. It was ruining what little time I had with Edward these days.

"Is everything ok, Bella? Did you guys have a fight?" I was lying to him and he was concerned about me? _God, I am repulsive. _

"No. Phil and Renee are both great. " I took a deep breath and whispered the last few words of my confession to him. "I'm just not… with them."

I was met with confused silence on the other end. _Fucking quiet. _It was consuming every part of my life.

_Yeah well it's not like you don't deserve it! _

I felt so guilty. Every time he called I just wanted to scream the truth at him. Even though I had justified my actions to myself, rationalized them away with the fact that I didn't want Edward to feel obligated to stay at college too, the guilt was still there. I couldn't take it anymore. The shame. The half-truths. The fake exchanges. I wanted my friend back.

"Edward, I need to tell you something." I blurted out the words before I could come to my senses and change my mind. "I haven't been in Jacksonville for a while now."

"I don't understand."

"After Forks, I didn't go back to Jacksonville. I came back to college. There was no baseball game. Well there was a game, I just wasn't there." I held my breath, waiting for it all to sink in. I felt like a little kid caught with her hand in the cookie jar. Now there was just the nerve-wracking wait to see what punishment my father would dole out.

"You've been at Dartmouth this whole time? Why the hell would you lie about something like that?" The relief I felt at finally coming clean was short-lived. He was mad. "If you didn't have plans, we could have arranged to do something together. Why didn't you tell me?"

_Nice going, Bella. You've finally managed to fuck things up._

I had really let him down this time. If it was possible to feel worse, I couldn't see how.

"I don't know," I told him in a tiny voice. I felt so ashamed of myself.

"What the fuck does that mean - you don't know? God, Bella!"

The anger in his voice stunned me into silence. He had never snapped at me like that. I'd never even heard him curse before.

I stayed mute, listening to him trying to calm himself down. It sounded like he was pacing on the other end. After what felt like the longest minute of my life, he finally spoke again.

"I wish you would have just told me that you didn't want to see me during the break. I mean, it hurts but…" He was speaking in a very strained voice, clearly trying to hold back his frustration. I knew he was choosing his words very carefully; I was a goddamn expert at that, after all. I kept quiet and let his words really dig into me; let them make me feel like the miserable piece of scum I was. "I think I've been pretty understanding so far, but… I just don't get why you'd lie about something like that." He broke off again, exhaling noisily. "I wish you would have just told me… God, just give me more credit, Bella."

"You have been understanding. You've been perfect. It's not that I didn't want to see you. That's not it at all." I rushed to correct him. I couldn't have him thinking this was about him. It was only me – me and my endless amounts of baggage.

"Then what is it, Bella? Please, just tell me." He was pleading with me. He was always pleading with me. But this time he said it with so little hope that I panicked and let the truth spill out in a rush. I must've sounded like a total lunatic.

"I don't know. I really don't. You asked me if I was staying with Renee the entire time and before I could think about it, I blurted out that I was. And then I thought it was better this way anyway. I didn't want you to feel like you had to miss out on seeing your family and stay at college too. And then you kept asking me about my day, and every sentence coming out of my mouth was a lie and I didn't know how to stop." I couldn't stop confessing. I wanted to tell him about every lie I'd ever told, every bad thought I'd ever had. "I'm really sorry. Please don't be mad at me. I'm awful at this relationship stuff. I know that. I'm just so scared I'll mess everything up and now I have. I'm sorry."

_Oh my god, if I've managed to fuck this up with one stupid lie I don't know what I'm going to do. _

_You should've kept your mouth shut, you moron. He's going to break up with you now. _I knew the voice in my head was probably right, but for once I didn't care. I didn't regret telling him the truth – no matter what happened next. He deserved to know. That's all there was to it. Even if he ditched me now… well he would only be doing what was best for him and I could never regret that.

"Bella." He sighed loudly again and I gripped the phone like it was a fucking lifejacket, because right now it was. "Bella, I know this is hard for you. I know you don't like to talk about your… 'problem' for lack of a better word… and we don't have to talk about it unless you want to, but you have to help me out a little. You can't lie to me, ok? Please don't lie to me. I want to do everything I can to help, all right? We're in this together."

I couldn't believe it. Every time I did something stupid like this and Edward forgave me… It all just shocked the hell out of me. I couldn't understand why he put up with so much of my crap.

"You're right. I know you're right. I'm sorry, Edward. I won't do it again." There was actually a little determination in my voice. Because if he was willing to stick around, then I had to do what I could to make this work. For him and for me.

"Ok." He was quiet again for a few moments and I knew he was taking out all his frustration on his poor hair.

"Are you mad at me?" I just had to ask, even though I already knew his answer.

_Of course, he's mad at you, you moron. You fucking lied to him. For days. About stupid shit that no one else on the planet would lie about. _

"No. I'm just disappointed."

Disappointed _in me_. Great. Now I felt even worse.

"I'm really sorry." I didn't know if my empty apologies meant anything to him, but I would apologize all day if he wanted me to.

"I know. It's ok." _Yeah right._ "I probably shouldn't have just sprung the question on you like that."

I immediately started to contradict him. This was not his fault. Not in the slightest. But he cut me off.

"Let's just forget about it, Bella. It's done. We can't change it now. Thank you for telling me the truth. Now let's just put it behind us and start over." I couldn't tell if his words were directed at me or at himself, but if he wanted to forget this ever happened, then of course I was on board.

I tried to change the subject awkwardly and get us back to something that resembled normal for us.

"So, um… do you have anything fun planned for the rest of the break?"

He took my awkward subject-change and ran with it. _Thank God._

"There's another family dinner tomorrow night. Then Emmett and Jasper are going home the next day. I was just going to catch up on some reading for class."

"Yeah I've still got a lot of reading to do as well."

We engaged in a little more awkward small talk. It wasn't much but I was just glad he was still talking to me. The tension slowly started to seep away but it didn't go away entirely.

"So, what are you really going to do for the rest of the break, Bella?" Was that a little resentment in his voice? If it was, I had earned it.

I decided to start honoring my promise to be honest right now. I'd tell him whatever he wanted to know tonight. I didn't even care how much I embarrassed myself because this wasn't about me.

"Well, I'm supposed to be getting a head start on some class work but I've mostly been doing nothing. I've been kind of distracted. I don't think I'll manage to do very much."

"Right. Well, if you're not doing anything… Maybe it's not too late for us to do something before college starts."

"That sounds nice. I'd um… I'd really like to see you." It came out just barely louder than a whisper but at least I managed to get it out.

"Maybe… maybe you could come here? It will get Esme off my back for a bit. She's been bugging me about meeting you." He laughed but it sounded fake. Nothing like his usual velvety chuckle.

He spoke to his mother about me? She wants to meet me? He wants me to meet his family??

_Holy shit._ He wants me to meet his family and my mom still thinks he's just my study partner. _Bella, you miserable coward._

_Ok at least don't lie this time. No. More. Lies._

"Um. I'm not sure…" _Don't lie. Don't lie. Don't lie._ "I do want to see you. Really badly, but… meeting your family seems like a really big step."

"Oh, ok. Yeah you're right. It's a really big step. I get it, don't worry. Another time." Edward backpedaled frantically and I immediately felt guilty again.

"Yes, definitely another time." A much later time, way off in the distant future. "But if you want to maybe meet somewhere else, just the two of us… well, I'd really like that."

"Ok. Maybe I can just come back a few days early."

I didn't want him to feel like he had to come back, but him thinking I didn't want to see him was even worse so I kept my mouth shut. "That would be really nice. I can't wait to see you." Although this had definitely been one of the most awkward conversations I'd ever had, at least it was getting easier and easier to admit that.

"Great. I'll talk to my parents about it today and call you when I know details. I've been slacking; I really should take you on another date." Hearing the return of his usual, teasing tone made me so giddy I felt lightheaded.

"Ok. Thank you, Edward."

I was just so relieved that we seemed to be ok again. I was tempted to get up and do a silent happy dance. _Edward's coming back early. Edward's coming back early. _Then something hit me.

"Hang on, what do you mean 'another'? We haven't been on a date."

"Oh, Bella." He just chuckled on the other end and didn't explain further. I wanted to point out that I wasn't the only one who had to be honest in this relationship, but I didn't get the chance.

"I've gotta go. Emmett is getting restless." I could hear other voices in the background, mingling with his quiet laugh, but I couldn't make out what they were saying.

"Is he still picking on you?"

"Yes, it's awful." I could practically see him mock pouting on the other end. He said it in this tone, like I should feel sorry for him. _Yeah right._ He teased me constantly. It served him right.

I decided to try out yet another one of Edward's tricks: humor.

"Good."

"Bella! You're supposed to be on my side." Thankfully, Edward played along, pretending to be all shocked and betrayed.

"Ha! You deserve it. Please thank Emmett for me."

He laughed and this time it was real. "No I don't think I will, he doesn't need any more encouragement."

I heard a loud thump and then a rather unmanly yelp. Edward sounded breathless when he next spoke again, like he was struggling with someone, his words coming out deliberately quickly. "Ok, really have to go now. Call you tonight. Bye, Bella."

He hung up really quickly and didn't hear me laugh at him.

I hung up and just lay on my bed for a while, staring at my ceiling.

Then I picked up my phone again and dialed another familiar number.

"Hi mom. It's Bella. I just wanted to tell you that Edward's not my study partner. He's my boyfriend."

**

* * *

A/N: I'm so sorry this took so long and I'm sorry I don't have something fluffier for you guys (the fluff is coming soon, I promise). The good news though, is that I'm done with finals now so the next update should be much, much faster. I'm working on more EPOV now, so I'll update Edward's Turn soon too. **

**Many thanks to:**

**My wonderful beta, thequietlife.**

**Irritable Grizzzly for Americanizing the story and helping me with my grammar.**

**Anyone who has reviewed/rec'ed/posted on the Twilighted thread.**

**I really appreciate all your feedback and your help. Thanks again :)**


	16. Good Girlfriends

**Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. I don't own anything.**

_Last chapter: Then I picked up my phone again and dialed another familiar number. "Hi mom. It's Bella. I just wanted to tell you that Edward's not my study partner. He's my boyfriend."_

* * *

Forty minutes later, I finally managed to answer enough of my mother's questions to get her to hang up the phone. I knew she was relieved. She had probably worried over whether I'd ever find someone. I really hoped that she would decide to have another child with Phil. Maybe then she could have grandchildren and a son-in-law and all that other stuff that I couldn't give her.

It couldn't be easy being a parent when your kid is someone like me. At least I got good grades, right? That had to be worth something.

Although the interrogation had been uncomfortable to say the least, I didn't regret telling her. Maybe she deserved to know too. And telling her about Edward had actually been kind of fun. I almost felt like a silly teenager, gushing over my dreamy boyfriend. Of course then she asked me if we were being safe.

Dear Floor,

Kindly swallow me whole now.

Regards, Bella.

I mumbled out an "it's not like that" and couldn't change the subject fast enough. Thankfully, Renee decided to show me some mercy and went back to asking about what he was studying here at college. I got the feeling that it was only a temporary pardon though. I was starting to understand what Edward had meant about getting his mother off his back. The poor guy - he was there being interrogated 24/7. At least I could hang up.

Finally, Phil came home from practice and she let me go. I hung up and went back to staring at my ceiling.

Everything had happened so fast and I just needed a minute to come to grips with what I had done.

_I told my mom that Edward is my boyfriend. I used the "b" word._

Huh.

I hoped that Edward wouldn't mind. _Not that I was going to tell him._ He'd never actually called me his girlfriend… What if I had jumped the gun on that one? But even I could see that this wasn't a fling for him. How could it be? I wasn't sleeping with him. Wasn't sex the whole point of a casual fling?

And he had asked me to meet his family…

Whatever the appropriate label, I had to stop lying to myself. The truth was simple. The truth was this: I was in a relationship. With a really great guy who deserved an equally great girl. Why he had picked me instead, I'd never know, but if he was determined to stick around then I was going to make this as good for him as I could.

Starting with being a better … (gulp)… girlfriend.

Right. Ok.

How could I actually do that? _What do good girlfriends do for their boyfriends when they mess up? _I started going through all the books and movies I'd seen, compiling a list of options.

1. Cook him dinner. Yeah, I could do that. I wasn't exactly the world's best cook but I wasn't terrible either. I could cook him something.

2. Do his laundry. Yeah, I could do that too. It seemed kind of weird to ask him if I could do his laundry though.

3. Put out. Yeah, I couldn't do that.

I could dress up a little though. For our FIRST date. _I don't care what Edward said, that birthday dinner was NOT a date._ _That's my story and I'm sticking to it._

Renee had bought me a whole bunch of new outfits on those shopping trips. Some of the shirts were almost girly. They were still conservative by normal standards but they were a little tighter than my usual and showed off a little more skin than I was used to. I refused to wear a skirt but I could wear my jeans and one of those tighter, girly tops. Yeah, I could do that.

So the morning before Edward was due to arrive back in college, I finally went to the damn hairdresser. I got really lucky. The woman cutting my hair was ridiculously chatty and even if I had been inclined to talk to her, I wouldn't have been able to get in a word edge-wise. I told her I only wanted a trim but she didn't listen, prattling on endlessly about what the new "in" style was until I gave in. _Not that it took very long. God, I am such a pushover. _

She ended up straightening my hair and I couldn't believe how different I looked. I actually looked like a girl. A girl that had styled her hair and everything. The only thing I needed now was make-up. _Yeah right. No, thank you._ I still hadn't bought any and it wasn't like I really knew what to do with it anyway. Straight hair would have to do for now.

I put on the least scary-looking new shirt and waited anxiously for Edward to show up. The plan was for him to drop by my dorm room when he had finished unpacking and we were supposed to go on our date straight from there.

Our date. I was nervous about it. Definitely. But I wasn't terrified. Maybe my lack of fear had something to do with the fact that Edward had said that we'd already been on a date. Even though I hadn't realized it at the time and still refused to call it that, I had managed to get through it last time. I could get through it this time too. I was a little proud of myself actually; I was embracing all the big scary terms these days – boyfriend, girlfriend, date.

This date was just me and Edward having dinner together. How many times had we already done that? Plenty. I could totally handle this shit._ Fuck "handle" – I'm going to really enjoy it this time. _

Finally Edward knocked on my door and I couldn't fling the damn thing open fast enough. God, had he actually gotten better looking? How was that possible?

It felt like there was this pull between us and for once I didn't fight it. I launched myself into his arms before I had even opened the door the whole way. He hugged me so tightly and it got a little easier to believe that maybe he had missed me too.

"Hi," I sighed over his shoulder.

"Hi." He laughed and buried his face in my hair, inhaling deeply, before abruptly stopping and pulling away.

"You cut your hair." He frowned and touched a straight lock, inspecting it more closely, before registering my new outfit. He pushed me away gently, leaving his hands on my shoulders, and looked me up and down. My cheeks immediately turned bright red as his eyes lingered on my new shirt. I felt completely on display. It wasn't a nice feeling.

"You don't like it," I mumbled.

His eyes snapped back up to mine. "No, I do. It's just a little… different." He went back to staring at my hair, his eyebrows pulled together in a confused expression.

"You don't like it," I stated again. "It's ok if you don't like it. You can tell me." I was a little disappointed, but it was _for him_ so I decided that I'd rather know if he didn't like it. Maybe I could try something else.

"No I do. I really do. You look lovely."

It was difficult to believe him given that he was still frowning. And ok, I'll admit, it was pissing me off a little. Hadn't he just lectured me on the need for honesty in a relationship?

"Edward, I thought you said we had to be honest…" I reminded him in a quiet voice, staring at my shoes.

"Ok. I – ok, I prefer the curls, but I like this look too. I really do like the shirt though. You just caught me off guard." He fingered the hem of my shirt coyly, pulling me back towards his chest and laughing quietly. "Is this Renee's handiwork?"

I let him pull me into his arms and hugged him back, resting my head on his shoulder. "Yep. I figured since this is our first date and all…"

He pulled away again, rolled his eyes and touched his lips to mine. Immediately my fingers sunk into his hair. Mmmm… I had really missed that too.

"Are you ready to go?"

"Um… not yet. Just one minute." I turned to go to the bathroom one last time. I wasn't used to wearing such tight clothing and wanted to check it in the mirror again.

"Girls…" Edward mock-sighed, shaking his head playfully. "Do you have a tiny purse that you can't really carry anything in too?"

I just rolled my eyes and went into the bathroom to fidget with the shirt for a while. S_martass_.

When I came out a few minutes later, I was met with a horrifying sight. Edward was sitting on my bed, _my journal_ in his hands.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. No.

I had forgotten to safely hide it at the bottom of my bag since it had been just me during the break.

Fuck!

It lay unopened in his lap. _Please tell me he didn't read it. Please. Please. Please. _

Edward looked up as I ran over to him. "Hey, I almost forgot about this. I never read your short story."

I snatched it out of his hands, trying to appear semi-calm. "Oh it's not ready yet. It still needs a lot of work. Let's just go, shall we?"

"I don't mind. I want to read it. Come on, Bella." He tried to retrieve it but I hid it behind my back. _Over my dead body._

His face fell as he realized I wasn't going to let him read it. "No. Please, Edward. The condition was that you get to read it when I say it's ready. It's nowhere near ready. Please, let's just go."

His hand fell back to his side and I exhaled in relief.

"Ok, but I still want to read it as soon as it's ready." I nodded, knowing it would never be ready. "And you're right; we don't really have time right now anyway. Shall we?" He stood up and held his hand out for me. I shoved the journal into my desk drawer and gladly accepted.

I did enjoy the date. There was no panic attack in the restroom. No annoying waitress. It was just me and Edward, talking and laughing and catching up after being apart for so long. It was wonderfully ordinary. Nothing new. Nothing to be scared of. I'd already cleared this hurdle and I couldn't help but feel a little bit smug. He told me a little more about what he and his brothers had been up to and I told him about how I had been dragged into a one-day fishing trip with Charlie. When I started telling him about how deserted the campus had been these last few days, he tensed up a little. It was obvious that he was still a little annoyed with me for lying to him – _not that I blamed him_ - but I changed the subject quickly and his expression cleared again.

Other than that, the only noticeable change in his behavior was that his hands were all over me. Not in a dirty way. He just seemed to be obsessed with touching me in some shape or form the entire evening. He held my hand whenever he could, rubbed up and down my arm, constantly brushed my hair behind my ear, and touched his knee to mine. It was a little odd but I didn't exactly mind.

At the end, he reached to pay the bill himself and I didn't stop him. It was his turn tonight anyway. We had come to a silent agreement of sorts. We took turns. He'd pay this time and then I'd pay next time. It wasn't a perfect 50-50 split but at least this way there was rough equality without us having to count every cent.

Thirty minutes later we were comfortably making out on my bed. It occurred to me that this was starting to feel wonderfully ordinary as well and I couldn't help but smile inwardly. It wasn't long before Edward groaned and rolled off me, effectively putting an end to the festivities for the evening. I had missed him so much though and I wasn't ready for him to leave just yet. I snuggled into his side, draping one arm over his middle and resting my head on his chest. He brought both his arms around me and we lay together for a while, occasionally talking quietly.

He was always so warm. And he always smelled so good.

I was so comfortable.

"Bella..." I could hear a velvety voice whispering in my ear. Mmmm… so warm.

"Bella." I jerked awake to hear Edward laughing at me. "Bella, it's really late and you're half asleep. I should get going."

"NoI'mnot." Ok maybe that did sound a little slurred. I cleared my throat and tried again. "I was just – resting my eyes. You don't have to go."

"Bella, you're tired. I'm tired too." He sat up, bringing me with him. _I don't like this. I don't like this at all. _I didn't want him to go. He had been gone for so long. I only just got him back a few hours ago.

I started protesting again but he placed his finger on my lips to stop me. "Shh. We still have three days before college starts up again. It's bedtime now." He brushed my hair out of my eyes again and kissed my temple.

In that moment, I decided exactly what my next good girlfriend act was going to be: I was going to cook for him. I was going to cook him breakfast.

"You err.. you don't have to go." I felt my cheeks heat up and looked down, playing with a bit of my duvet cover and mumbling out the rest. "You could sleep h-here tonight."

His finger found my chin, gently persuading me to meet his gaze.

"Are you sure?" he asked softly.

I couldn't help it. I looked back down again but then I nodded. My face felt like it was on fire. "I, um, I have a spare towel so you can take a shower in the morning. And I – I, err, have an electric toothbrush so I can give you a spare toothbrush head to brush your teeth. I mean, only if you want to of course. If you don't, I would totally understand."

He took my hand and silently led me into the bathroom. I took out a brand new toothbrush head and handed him the toothbrush, showed him where the spare towel was for tomorrow morning and then left the bathroom, closing the door behind me. I retrieved my pyjamas and sat on my bed, waiting. My knee jerked nervously. I was scared; this was definitely a new hurdle.

He came out, still fully clothed, and I stood up and shuffled into the bathroom, unable to look him in the eyes.

I closed the door and locked it. And then I checked to make sure it was locked. Twice.

I took my time brushing my teeth and washing my face. I was scared and I was stalling. _Maybe this isn't such a good idea._

Finally, having brushed my hair twice, the only thing left to do was put on my pyjamas. I undressed and then dressed again as fast as humanly possible. Even though I knew the bathroom door was locked and even though I knew Edward would never barge in here uninvited, I still felt weird being naked in here with only one wall separating us. I wasn't sure what I should leave on and what I should take off. _I really didn't think this through._ Oh god. This was definitely a bad idea.

I turned to examine myself in the mirror. The pyjamas were really rather conservative. I was actually showing less skin than before. They were just long pants and a baggy t-shirt. _They're still freaking pyjamas though._

I couldn't stall in here much longer. _Grow the fuck up, Bella. They're just pyjamas. This was your idea, not his. Now get out there._ Finally, I unlocked the door and stepped out. The main light was off, the only illumination now coming from the lamp by my bed. Edward was still in his jeans and shirt, sitting on my bed and staring at his hands. He looked up as I walked to him and stopped a few feet away from the bed. He looked a little nervous too. I wasn't sure if that made me more nervous or less.

He stood up silently, holding my gaze and probably looking for a sign that I was about to bolt. His hands went to the button on his jeans and hovered there. I knew what he was doing – he was giving me a chance to change my mind. Oh dear god I wanted to change my mind, to tell him this had been a horrible idea and we should call it off. But I didn't. I was scared shitless but in the back of my mind somewhere was a quiet voice telling me I could trust him. Hadn't he proved himself a hundred times over? Hadn't he stopped every time things started to get out of hand? He was my friend. The friend I had studied with and talked with and known for months now. _You can trust him._

I nodded slightly and he started undoing his jeans, draping them over the back of my chair. When he was down to his boxers, he took off his socks and started automatically taking off his shirt. _Oh right, he sleeps in only his boxers remember? _I didn't know if it was possible, but it felt like my blush intensified even more and I looked away.

"Is this ok?" he asked me quietly, referring to whether it was ok for him to take off his shirt.

I didn't look at him, but I nodded, and then crawled into my bed, scooting as close to the edge as possible, until my side was touching the wall, and pulling the covers up to my chin. Edward took off his shirt and hesitated, but eventually followed. He crawled under the covers with me, being very careful not to touch me, and turned to face me. I just stared at the ceiling, not daring to move an inch.

_Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I'm in bed with Edward Cullen. _

"Bella, you're shaking." Was I really?

I turned to look at Edward and he was frowning. "It's ok, Bella. I'll go back to my dorm room."

"No, I'm fine. Please don't go." _I can do this, dammit. This is not a big deal. _

"Bella…" He sighed and stroked my cheek with the backs of his fingers.

"Don't go."

"Ok." He twisted around and turned off the bedside lamp. He shifted a little closer, pulled down the covers until my arms were exposed and starting stroking my hair. The regular pattern helped a little but not much.

I scooted closer to him and forced myself to place my arm over his middle and rest my head on his chest. _It's the exact same position we were in before. It's fine. It's not a big deal. _Except it was. I couldn't get over the fact that we were under the covers. It was just so intimate. My cheek was pressed against his bare chest. My shirt had ridden up a little too, exposing a sliver of skin at my waist which was now also pressed against Edward. Skin to skin. Most of his legs were bare too. I could feel almost every curve of his body.

He carried on stroking my hair, trying to help me calm down. I tried to distract myself by focusing on how good he smelled and how warm he was, but it wasn't working. I needed a little help.

"Will you tell me about the prank you and Jasper played on Rosalie again?"

"Of course, Bella." He started recounting the story. He sounded so calm and carefree, talking as if we were at dinner again and not in bed together. I focused on his words and on his laugh and on the gentle rise and fall of his chest with each breath. With his help, I slowly pulled myself out of my head and into the conversation. We talked for a long time, mostly about nothing, and things started to feel ordinary again. I felt my body thaw bit by bit, until it felt like I had melted into Edward. He kept talking to me, until my eyelids got heavy and I finally let go and fell asleep in his arms.

**

* * *

A/N: So this was my attempt at something lighter and fluffier for a change. Good? Bad?**

**Many thanks to the usuals: **

**my beta, thequietlife; **

**Irritable Grizzzly (check out her story Unforgivable Act if you're looking for something good to read); **

**those of you who review and make me excited to keep going. :)**


	17. The only unbearable thing

**Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. I don't own anything. The first quote is by Eleanor Roosevelt. The second is by Arthur Rimbaud.**

* * *

Drops of rain tapped persistently at my window, gently drawing me back to reality. As soon as I was conscious enough to register the arm draped over my waist, I felt my body involuntarily tense up. I wasn't alone.

I turned my head to see a sleeping Edward sprawled out next to me. I smiled automatically. It was just Edward. And he looked kind of cute when he was sleeping.

We'd moved around during the night. He was now taking up most of the space, leaving me only a small corner of the pillow and the edge of the bed. I guess this was something we'd both have to get used to. I carefully shifted, trying to get more comfortable without jostling the arm that rested on my waist. The pressure of his arm felt kind of nice actually. Heavy and reassuring. I had completely underestimated just how comforting a simple touch could be. I lightly placed my arm on top of Edward's. I traced the veins in his forearm slowly, barely brushing my fingers over his skin. This all just felt so surreal. I stared at his face greedily, expecting him to disappear at any moment.

Well, ok, I might've been staring at more than just his face but it wasn't my fault that the covers had slipped down to our waists during the night.

I stared mostly at his face. It was just so calm. Like a silent lake on a still day. I so wanted that.

If I had to pick one thing about Edward that drew me to him the most, it would probably be his attitude and demeanor. His confidence. His grace. The peace in his expression. I wanted to touch his eyelids, kiss every inch of his face. As if being as close to him as possible would somehow let me feel a little bit of that peace too. I wanted to but I didn't. I knew that would wake him and I didn't want to disturb him. I just kept staring at him instead.

After a little while, however, I could no longer ignore the awkwardness that had started to creep back under my skin. What if he woke up to see me unashamedly staring at him? _Isn't it weird to watch someone else sleep?_ Probably. It did seem kind of stalker-ish.

I turned away from him and tried to extricate myself without waking him up. It proved to be much more difficult than I had anticipated. I was almost free when the arm around my waist tightened suddenly, dragging me back.

"Where do you think you're going?"

He dragged me closer and loosely lined up his body with mine but left a safe amount of space between us. We were almost spooning, I guess. My heart rate started to speed up. I felt him nuzzle my neck and place a little kiss below my ear.

"Morning," he mumbled, his breath tickling my skin. His voice was rough from sleep. I liked it.

"Morning," I replied in that pathetic sighing voice again. _When did I become so freaking girly? _

Once he realized I was relaxed, he shifted even closer until there was no space between us. I guess we were properly spooning now, his -

Oh.

Oh my.

We both froze instantly and the silence surrounded us. I heard Edward swallow uncomfortably.

"Erm. It's just err…well…sometimes in the morning…" Edward scrambled to explain and I silently thanked God that we weren't face to face for this.

"Edward, that's err… that's ok. I know. I mean I…" I cleared my throat uneasily. "I watch TV and um... I understand." I did know about this – in theory. I knew pretty much everything – in theory. Just nothing in practice.

We both, determinedly, held very still. I could tell he was still worried but I really was ok. Maybe I'd gotten used to mini-Edward through all the make-out sessions or maybe it was just the fact that I already knew he wasn't going to pressure me, but either way I was ok. I turned in his arms, determined to show him that and purposely scooted even closer to him, hugging him with one arm. Edward looked surprised and a little… was he really embarrassed right now? Why would _he_ be embarrassed? I smiled at him and kissed the faint blush above his jaw. I would have kissed him properly but I was worried about morning breath. _That can't be pleasant._ _I probably don't look very pleasant either, first thing in the morning. _Shit, I hadn't even thought of that. _I must look awful._ _Maybe it was a mistake to turn around._

"I'll be right back."

"Oh, um, ok."

I got up to go to the bathroom, leaving a slightly surprised Edward staring at my back.

I brushed my teeth and scrubbed my face. I didn't look pretty when I was done but it wasn't going to get any better than this. When I came out, Edward was still in bed. He pulled back the covers as I approached. A clear invitation. And God was it tempting. I so wanted to snuggle back in but I also wanted to go through with my earlier plan to cook for him.

"I'm going to go start breakfast."

"Ugh," he began grumpily. "All right." He groaned and sat up, rubbing his eyes. His hair was even more chaotic than usual and that made me smile. He really wasn't a morning person. "Give me a minute and I'll help."

Err. That wasn't part of the plan.

"No, that's ok. I want to cook." I walked to the bed before he could start arguing with me, and lightly pushed on his shoulders to make him lie back down. "You're staying in bed. You can get up to go to the bathroom but you'd better be in bed when I get back." I tried to sound authoritative. _Yeah right_.

"Or what?" he taunted me, raising an eyebrow playfully, and for a moment he looked like a mischievous little boy. I wondered what it would've been like to know Edward growing up and whether I would've turned out any different. It was a useless thought, though, so I tried my best to banish it quickly.

"Or… or your precious DVD collection gets it."

He pouted a little but I already knew I had won. Correction: I already knew he'd let me win.

"Yes, mistress."

I patted his head and smiled. "You know, that's the first sensible pet name you've come up with." I was going for patronizing, trying to keep things light after our awkward start to the day.

I walked out of my room, into the public kitchen on my floor and started making breakfast. I didn't use it very often because I was worried about bumping into people, but I knew my way around and had a few ingredients in the fridge.

I couldn't stop smiling. It was a good thing nobody else was around because I probably looked psychotic. It didn't occur to me that I had actually left my room in just my pajamas until much, much later. I guess I must've figured it was safe to do so because most of my peers hadn't come back yet, but I couldn't remember actually thinking that at the time. Huh.

I decided not to be overambitious and just made scrambled eggs. It wasn't fancy but it tasted ok. At the very least, it was something. I didn't have much to offer Edward, but in this small way, I could take care of him a little.

We ate breakfast in bed quietly. The best part was that the quiet felt nice. Familiar. That was always one of the best parts with Edward. It had taken me a while to get to this point, but we'd been friends and study partners long enough for me to start feeling almost comfortable around him. I didn't feel the need to make conversation for the sake of it, like I had to keep Edward trapped in witty banter lest he lose interest. _Well, I'm sure he'll lose interest eventually but I don't think it will be just because I don't always have something clever to say._

After breakfast, Edward took my plate and set it on the floor with his, snaking his arm around my waist and pulling me down to lie on the pillow. I smiled and snuggled up to him.

"Thanks for breakfast." He kissed me enthusiastically, not giving me a chance to respond as our usual make-out session began. Except something felt different this time. Edward's lips, his hands digging into my waist and pulling me closer felt more insistent. Urgent; almost a little desperate. I wasn't entirely sure what had changed during the break but it was exciting and terrifying and a little too intense. _It's ok, though. You can keep going. This is still familiar territory. Sort of._

I tried to keep my hands away from all the new skin in front of me. It felt kind of unfair since I hadn't reciprocated in any way. I tried and I failed. When his lips moved to my neck, coherent thought became a little more difficult and my hands started roaming his bare back and shoulders of their own volition.

I kissed his collarbone tentatively, his skin smooth beneath my lips. My fingertips trailed up and down his chest but I didn't dare stray too far down. He leaned back so that we were both lying on our sides to make things easier for me. I touched him lightly at first, reverently, but then with a little more determination, my entire palm pressing into his soft skin, as I started to gain something that resembled confidence. Skin to skin and under the covers, everything felt much more intimate. And the fact that Edward kept kissing every and any part of my neck and face he could reach really wasn't helping. I tried to take comfort in the fact that I wasn't the only one breathing heavily. Things were spiraling out of control and fast.

Fortunately (or unfortunately – I wasn't really sure which), my alarm went off at that moment.

Edward's lips continued to play in the hollow at the base of my throat, but his hand left my waist to swipe blindly at the alarm clock on my bedside table. I tried to remember why the hell I had set my alarm the previous day… oh yeah. Damn.

"Edward," I breathed.

"Mmmm."

Ok, that didn't really get his attention. He didn't even pause. I tried to catch my breath so I could try again.

"Edward, I have to - mmmm." He moved to my mouth, effectively shutting me up. "I have to go," I mumbled in between kisses. "I have to… mmmm… get up and get ready."

"No." Kiss. "You don't." Kiss.

"Mmm. Yes, I do." Kiss. "I told Professor Banner…" kiss, "that I was staying at college and…" kiss, "he emailed me yesterday and asked to see me." That finally got Edward's attention and he let me talk. "I've got to go to my meeting."

"You didn't say anything about a meeting last night," he said slowly. Something in his tone sounded off. "What's it about?" Why the hell was he looking at me so skeptically? Didn't he believe me? Did he really think I'd lie about a stupid meeting?

_Oh yeah, because you've been so honest with him up till now. Of course he's going to find it difficult to trust you now, you moron. _

I should've known it wouldn't be so easy. One stupid apology couldn't magically fix everything. Now that the high of our reunion was over, it was back to reality. And the reality was that I was going to have to earn back his trust – one day at a time.

"I don't know what it's about. Banner didn't tell me," I panted. "And I didn't mention it because I forgot, ok? There was the whole date thing and then you s-spending the night." Was it really necessary for me to blush at that last part? It really wasn't helping right now.

He looked at me a second longer than normal before nodding. "Ok."

I knew that he had good reason to question me, but I couldn't help but feel a little resentful. I had confessed, hadn't I? Shouldn't that count for something?

"I just forgot, I swear." I pulled him down for another kiss. "You're kind of distracting you know." Cue another blush. _You are so pathetic. _

He finally smiled back properly. "Thanks. High praise." Kiss. "I've got to go back to my dorm and get some clean clothes anyway. Meet you outside Banner's building in… shall we say two hours?"

"Sounds good." I expected him to let me up now, but, despite his words, it was clear that Edward didn't really plan on leaving any time soon. He kept trying to sidetrack me with his kisses, repeatedly promising he'd stay for just five more minutes, while I tried half-heartedly to fend him off. If he didn't stop soon, I would definitely be late. I was in the middle of trying to decide whether being late was really such a bad thing when his phone rang.

On the fourth ring, he finally got up with a groan to search for his phone.

"Hello," he answered light-heartedly, his eyes following me around the room as I retrieved some clean clothes for the day. I smiled back at him, almost feeling a little mischievous myself.

His smile suddenly disappeared. "Oh, hi." He abruptly turned very serious and looked down, pinching the bridge of his nose. _Ok. That's weird._ Who the hell was he talking to? Something was clearly upsetting him. "No, this is a good time. I can talk. I just need a moment; I'll call you back in a minute."

He hung up and started putting on yesterday's clothes quickly, gathering all his stuff distractedly. Why was he acting so strangely all of a sudden?

I threw him a questioning look but he just shook his head. My first instinct was to just accept that even though he was clearly upset, he didn't want to tell me about it. That hurt. A lot. And, frankly, it was a little annoying. He would have never let me get away with that.

_Don't overreact. There's just no time right now. Maybe he'll tell you about it later. _

_Yeah sure… like he told you about what happened with Mike last semester?_ I never flat-out asked him about their fight, but I had hinted at it a few times, patiently telling myself that he'd talk to me in his own time. He still hadn't. As far as I could tell, they had tentatively patched things up.

"Ok, so outside Banner's building in 2 hours. See you then, Bella." He gave me a quick peck on the cheek and rushed out.

Ok, something was definitely off. I was definitely starting to worry.

There wasn't really much I could do about it right now, though, and I was already running late so I tried to push it to the back of my mind and started getting ready. I was glad Edward was no longer in my room when I stripped off my pajamas to take a shower. As I blow-dried my once again curly hair, my thoughts turned to the meeting with my professor. With everything that had happened yesterday with Edward, I hadn't had much time to worry about it but I sure was worried now. What if I was in trouble? I'd never been in trouble with my teachers before. I kept to myself and I was a straight-A student. Always. There weren't any still unmarked assignments and I had consistently received good grades since I'd started at Dartmouth. Of course, that didn't stop my brain from constantly replaying every horrific scenario I could think up, and by the time I arrived at Banner's office, I was a complete mess. My heart was beating nervously. My hands felt clammy. I stood outside his office door, trying to compose myself a little before knocking.

_Shit. Shit. Shit._ Why did I tell him my plans for the holidays when he asked me at the end of the semester? It's not like he really cared anyway. He was just being polite and making small talk. _When will I finally learn that it's always better to keep my big fat mouth shut?_

_Ok, shut up and get it together. Fucking knock already. Stop standing out here like a freak. _

My fingers knocked on the door. It sounded a lot louder than I thought it would.

"Come in." I did. "Ah, Miss Swan. Please, have a seat."

"Thank you, sir." I sat down, hugging my bag in my lap. He turned away from his desk to face me properly and smiled at me kindly.

"I trust you have had a pleasant break so far?"

"Oh yes, thank you." He asked me a few more polite questions. I played my part and gave him the usual responses: _everything's just peachy, how very kind of you to ask, blah blah blah._

"Good. So, the reason I asked you to see me is that I wanted to discuss your last assignment." I thought back – I'd definitely aced all his assignments so far. He had definitely given me an A on the last one. Is it possible that he'd reconsidered and he wanted to take it back?

"It was, frankly, excellent. All your work this semester has been of a very high standard. Well-researched, succinct and thoughtful. You have potential, Miss Swan."

Ok, there was no way I could maintain eye-contact now. I blushed and looked down at my hands clutching my bag. "Th-thank you, sir." This was definitely not one of the scenarios I had considered. Is it possible he had confused me with someone else?

"I mean it. Your commitment to your studies is very impressive. It's obvious from your work that you have been doing extra reading."

His kind words were starting to make me feel guilty. That part about extra reading wasn't really true. Well… a little. Since Edward had told me about that article, I had started trying to read around my subjects in my spare time. I hadn't done much. The improvement in the standard of my work was probably just the result of having Edward as a study partner. Banner had obviously gotten the wrong impression somehow. Should I correct him? The more he praised me, the worse I felt. I felt like such a fraud – like I had somehow managed to trick him.

"However, I think you can do even better," he said, handing me several sheets of paper. "I took the liberty of compiling an extra reading list for you for last semester's work and the rest of the course. I think you will benefit from looking at some of these articles in your spare time."

"I will, sir. Thank you."

"Good." He stood up and I followed him to the door. "Have a good day, Miss Swan. See you next week in class."

"Thank you, you too, sir."

He smiled at me again and it was the smile I craved from all my teachers. It felt good when they smiled at me like that. Maybe even a little addictive. Even though he had definitely exaggerated, it was almost as if Banner… _liked me_, as if he was even a little _proud of me_. He approved of me, of my work last semester. Maybe I'd never be Miss Popular, but at least I was good at something. I was good at school. No matter what, I'd always have this.

I resolved to work even harder this semester. I'd read every single one of those extra articles. I wouldn't let him down. I'd prove him right, even if he had been exaggerating earlier.

I walked out of Banner's building, thinking I had fifteen minutes to kill before meeting Edward, but he was already there, leaning against the wall. _What the hell? Was he spying on me now? _

_No. Jesus, Bella. Stop overreacting. He's just early. _

_Right. _

"Hi," I greeted him casually, trying my best not to add even more to the tension between us.

"Hey." He kissed my temple like he had done so many times before. The familiar little gesture made me feel better. We intertwined our fingers and began walking.

We spent the day together, just hanging out like we used to last semester before everything got complicated, and went to a nearby café for lunch. It was a nice day so we paid for our food and sat down at one of the tables outside.

He asked me about my meeting with Banner and I tried to push away the feeling that he was interrogating me or double-checking my "story" or something.

_It's all in your head, Bella. Relax. Don't ruin things._

I shook off the paranoia and told him about the meeting in detail. I liked that I didn't have to hide the fact that I was a geek from Edward. He already knew that. Still… I skipped over most of Banner's compliments anyway. It just made me feel too weird and arrogant to repeat them, especially since most of them were such exaggerations.

I tried to steer the conversation towards Edward's mystery phone call after that, but he kept changing the subject and I quickly gave up. I didn't have the guts to just flat-out ask him who called. It was really starting to piss me off, though. Especially when his phone rang again just after we had finished eating and he actually excused himself and walked away to take the call. _He didn't even trust me enough to talk on the phone in front of me anymore? _Apparently, all his honesty crap only applied to me. I wanted to say something… at least roll my eyes but I just nodded and watched him walk away. Then I sat there, fuming politely in my seat like a good little girl and looking down at my lap.

"Bella? Bella, is that really you? God, I haven't seen you in ages."

My heart plummeted as I looked up to see Lauren. The universe had impeccable timing as always. I so hated being caught off guard by people. My instinctive reaction was always the same: panic and fear, paralyzing fear. And Lauren of all people. Great. Fucking perfect. She wasn't a bad person or anything. We just didn't exactly agree on a lot of things. She wasn't my biggest fan; let's just leave it at that.

I felt the familiar panic rising in my throat and my heart started going crazy. _Oh my god. Oh my god._ I stapled a smile on my face as quickly as I could and prayed that it didn't look too forced. "Oh hi, Lauren. H-how have you been?"

"Fantastic, thanks. Where have you been all semester? Don't tell me you've been holed up in the library all this time?" She chuckled delicately and flipped her hair. And so it begins… "God, I wish I could be like you. Work non-stop. Never go out. But I just don't think I could, ya know? I need to have a life."

What? Are they casting for Mean Girls 2 or something? I fucking hated the fact that people like her made it to the Ivy League. Wasn't all this shit supposed to end in high school? But no, even here there were people who made you feel guilty for studying, for caring about your grades. The underlying premise always seemed to be this: it's not cool to be a geek.

She always made her little comments but she never went beyond these sorts of veiled insults. I tried to play dumb and just laugh them off. I was terrified of provoking her. What if she insulted me outright or something and I couldn't shrug it off? She'd expect me to say something back. I didn't know how to handle that. I couldn't handle that. Me in a fight? An actual confrontation? _Yeah, right._ Why couldn't she just walk past me? Why did she have to stop and talk to me? _Go away. Please. Just go away._

I desperately wracked my brain for an innocuous response but it was difficult to think, period, when my fears took over.

"Err… yeah. It's not f-for everyone," I mumbled, feeling myself start to shrink in my seat. _Please leave soon. Please._

"Is that a new shirt? It's very … interesting." She smiled oh so sweetly, like it was a real compliment.

I looked down at my shirt like I was seeing it for the first time. "Oh, um."

"Are you here by yourself?" Her eyes went wide with fake concern as she lowered her voice. "Isn't that a little… sad, hun?"

My fake smile stayed safely in place, hopefully concealing the sheer terror beneath the surface._ What do I say? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._ "Yeah, that would be sad, wouldn't it?" I hoped my fake chuckle sounded convincing. "Um, actually n-no, I'm here with -"

"Me. She's here with me." I jumped in my seat like an idiot at the sound of his voice. It was getting difficult to focus on my surroundings. I hadn't even heard Edward return. _Fuck!! Someone up there must really hate me._ He scraped back his chair and sat down. Why did Edward have to come back _now_? She was going to continue making her little snide remarks and Edward was going to see it all. He had fucking front row seats. I felt about two feet tall. This was going to be so degrading.

The last thing I wanted to do was look Edward in the eyes right now, but I could feel him staring at me. Reluctantly, I turned towards him. He was looking at me disapprovingly and I automatically looked down at my lap in shame.

"Hi Lauren," I heard him say in a strained voice.

_Oh great. They know each other. This just gets better and better, doesn't it?_

"Hi Edward! Didn't think I'd see you here." She didn't think she'd ever see him here – _with me._ Bitch.

She stayed at our table for what felt like hours. It was probably only a few minutes, though. Her little comments kept coming. She called me everything from ugly to pathetic with a smile on her face. The worst part was that I just smiled back. 'No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.' Right? Yeah, well that was the whole fucking problem. She did have my consent. She had my full fucking endorsement. Her opinion meant less than nothing to me. The problem was that I thought all those things about myself too. I pretty much agreed with everything she said. The only thing that didn't bother me was her calling me a geek. I actually liked that about myself. But everything else… it was all true. I _was _pathetic.

Edward, bless him, tried to interrupt a few times. I think he was actually trying to stand up for me, but I didn't let him. I kept cutting him off and I watched as it made him madder and madder. I was just completely terrified of him saying something that would piss her off. Then she'd never leave me alone. It really wasn't worth it. Even if I had the guts to say something to her… arguing with Lauren was just pointless. It was like banging your head against a brick wall.

"So, B, um… Are you guys, like, dating? It's great if you are. I'm just _so relieved_ and so happy for you." _Uh-huh. Sure you are._ Her words were dripping with sarcasm, as usual. I tried my best to pretend I couldn't tell just how fake her "happiness" for me really was.

"But are you? Like really?" She wrinkled her nose in disgust at the mere suggestion that Edward and I might be dating.

I wanted to say: _Yes - really - you idiot!_ Then I wanted to grab Edward and kiss him senseless right in front of her. Just like they do in the movies.

Of course all I did was look down. Because she had a point. Because I couldn't really believe it either. Why the hell was Edward out here, sitting with me? He deserved so much better.

"I mean, Jessica _swore_ that Mike told her you were but I just… I mean, no offense, but…"

Edward and I both started replying at the same time.

"None taken."

"Offense taken."

"Bella, come on -" Edward began, his voice rising, but I cut him off again. I could see that he'd had enough and I was desperate to preserve the peace. What if Lauren got mad and said something even worse?

"Edward, we really should go. We're going to be late for – that thing." Not very original but I really couldn't think straight right now. It was the best I could do. "Sorry Lauren, but we're going to be late."

Edward just looked so confused. His thoughts were practically written on his face. I could see it all in his eyes. He was watching this whole thing play out, dumbfounded, wondering how the hell I could just sit here and take it. I realized just how different we really were. It was obvious that he didn't understand this, that he might never understand me completely.

How could I just take it? I was used to it. I was used to keeping my head down and my mouth shut.

You can get used to pretty much anything. 'The only unbearable thing is that nothing is unbearable.'

"Bella?" he pleaded. He stared at me expectantly, hopefully.

I looked back down at my lap.

_Sorry Edward. _

_It's probably about time you realized who you were wasting your time on anyway._

I mumbled that we should go again.

"Yeah. Let's go," he said through clenched teeth. He was mad. And he had that look on his face. The Bella-just-fucked-up-again look. Any hope I had been harboring that he would just let this go died a quick death.

Edward didn't say a word as I gathered my things and said a polite goodbye to Lauren. We started walking in silence, my eyes fixed on my shoes.

**

* * *

A/N: I know it seems bad but this is actually a good thing. They really needed something like this to happen. Bella just can't see that yet. I've already written a good chunk of the next chapter so hopefully it will be ready soon.**

**A big thank you to my beta, thequietlife; Irritable Grizzzly; and those of you who review. :)**


	18. Say it out loud

**Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer, not me.**

* * *

Last chapter: Things between Bella and Edward are a little strained. Bella is starting to worry that Edward doesn't trust her anymore after she lied to him. She is also starting to get angry that he expects her to be completely honest but won't tell her what happened with Mike or who keeps calling him. Edward's frustration has been slowly building up. Watching Bella refuse to stand up for herself and their relationship finally pushes him over the edge.

"_Yeah. Let's go," he said through clenched teeth. He was mad. And he had that look on his face. The Bella-just-fucked-up-again look. Any hope I had been harboring that he would just let this go died a quick death._

_Edward didn't say a word as I gathered my things and said a polite goodbye to Lauren. We started walking in silence, my eyes fixed on my shoes._

* * *

We didn't even make it back to my room. Edward seized my arm and pulled me to a stop. I felt too ashamed of myself to look at him. I watched out of the corner of my eye as he scraped his hand through his hair in frustration, trying to collect himself a little. I hovered by his side obediently, waiting. Head down. Mouth shut.

_Don't say anything. Let it go. Please, Edward. Please.  
_  
"Bella, I think… I think we should talk about what just happened," he began in a barely controlled voice, pronouncing each word carefully as if he was double-checking to make sure it was the right one. "Can you explain to me what just happened?" He took my chin in his hand, forcing me to look at him. "Why didn't you say anything?"

I tried to ignore the hurt in his eyes. It was safer to just concentrate on his anger and frustration. Not that his anger didn't also scare the hell out of me. Was he going to start an argument? And right here, out in the open? _Oh my god._ I really couldn't handle that. _I don't want to fight. I can't fight with him.  
_  
I shook off his grip and shrugged, trying to play it off like it was nothing. I put on my best nonchalant voice, desperate to neutralize the situation somehow before things got any worse. "I don't know, Edward. That's just Lauren. She's a little blunt sometimes. You get used to her."

And really – was what she said truly that awful? Surely I had just misinterpreted everything, twisted it in my mind to make it seem much worse than it really was. It was my fault – I was just too sensitive.

"Don't worry about it, Edward. It's not a big deal. There's nothing to talk about."

Apparently Edward didn't quite agree with my assessment of the situation.

"Bella!?" he blurted out, not even trying to control himself anymore. "Do you hear yourself?" He sounded so exasperated.

I guess I wasn't being very persuasive. I doubled my efforts, although I wasn't entirely sure just who I was trying to convince. _Forget it, Edward. Help _me_ forget. Distract me, please._ "There's just no point in talking back to her. I don't care what she thinks anyway. It's not worth the fuss. You're blowing this whole thing way out of proportion. Just ignore her. I can't be bothered with a long, drawn-out argument."

The half-truths hung heavily in the air, patiently waiting. It was time for me to do what I did best: rationalize, falsify, blur; blur the truth until I couldn't recognize it anymore. By the light of this particular candle, they didn't look like lies anymore. Surely I had just been mistaken all along. Edward was getting worked up over nothing.

I looked around nervously even though I knew the campus was practically empty. I didn't want to make a scene. I tried to calm him down with my touch. I tried to hug him and run my hands over his back soothingly but he jerked away from me. That stung.

"You can't be _bothered_ to stand up for yourself?" he snapped back at me. I didn't appreciate how sarcastically he spat out the word 'bothered.' I didn't appreciate his tone. It was cold and unfamiliar.

"That's not what I said. There's no point with her. That's what she wants anyway. She was trying to goad me into saying something back. It's not worth it. What did you want me to do?" I was starting to get a little frustrated myself. Why was he being so unreasonable? He was completely overreacting.

"I want you to get mad! I want you to tell that idiot to go fuck herself!" It scared me to hear him raising his voice at me. "Don't you get it, Bella? It's not about her. It's about _you_." He took a step towards me as he spoke. I automatically took a step back. "Telling her off will make you feel better."

"No." I laughed grimly, shaking my head. "It won't." I tried to sidestep him but he moved closer. My heart began to beat frantically. I was becoming more and more uncomfortable. _Oh my god. Oh my god._ He was really going to confront me about this, wasn't he? Right here. Right now.

"How would _you_ know?" he sneered.

"I kn–" I started, but he cut me off without mercy.

"You don't know anything."

I blinked back my tears furiously, staring at him in shock. Where the hell was my friend? His eyes were so dark, his face almost cruel. This wasn't my Edward. I couldn't believe he was saying these things to me. Why was he doing this? He was finishing what Lauren had started. Making me feel small and stupid and worthless. And he was doing it more effectively than Lauren ever could.

"I know _her_," I tried again in a tiny voice, not ready to give up on the lie just yet, even though I knew Edward didn't believe it. "I know what will happen. It will just cause more drama. She'll tell Jessica and then they'll both start and they'll keep doing this until college ends. I didn't say anything because it's better to just ignore her. I barely see her once or twice a semester anyway."

We were too close. His face was too close to mine. I tried to move away but he didn't let me. "Bella, you're lying to me again. After you fucking promised me you wouldn't. That stuff might all be true but it's not the real reason you didn't say anything. _Just talk to me_."

"I already told you everything." I shut my eyes, trying to end this any way I could. Maybe if I couldn't see him anymore, he'd just disappear and leave me be. "I don't want to talk about this anymore, Edward."

"Tough," he said harshly. "We're going to talk about it. Bella, look at me. Just say it out loud. It will make you feel better, I promise."

"I don't have anything else to say." I yanked myself away from him and rushed in the direction of my dorm room. I had tried to hide and it didn't work. It was time to run.

I needed to just get inside my room and lock my door. Everything would be ok when I got back to my room.

I was really fucking hoping that Edward wouldn't follow me. _Yeah right._

"Yes you do. For fuck's sake, Bella! You can't keep going like this. You're digging yourself into the ground. What I just saw wasn't nothing. We have to talk about it."

He kept pace with me easily. And he kept lecturing me and pushing me. It was one of those god-awful moments when every mistake, every stupid thing you've ever done comes back to kick you when you're down. It wasn't just Edward's voice in my head anymore. It was Lauren and Jessica making fun of me. It was my mother and my father and all my teachers lecturing me and telling me what to do. It was that stupid voice in my head agreeing with all of them.

Bella always screws up. Bella never opens up. Bella's such a coward. Bella's such a failure. Bella never stands up for herself. Bella's such a doormat. Bella can't do anything right.

They were getting louder and louder. It was getting harder to breathe properly. They were everywhere, cornering me, judging me. _I can't do this. I can't do this._ _Why are you doing this to me, Edward? Why? _

"Edward, seriously. Stop pushing," I managed to say through clenched teeth.

"I will not. This is for your own good, Bella. You can't keep everything bottled up, Bella." His voice mingled with the others until I couldn't separate them anymore.

Everything you are is wrong, Bella. You have to change everything, Bella. Nothing you do is ever good enough, Bella.

"Edward, please. Let's talk about it later." I desperately tried to get him to back off and buy myself just a little more time. I had nearly reached my room. I was just outside my building. I could see that bench that Edward and I had talked on that night he told me about his grandmother for the first time. I just needed to hold out a little longer and then I'd be safe. _Just a little further._

He grabbed me again by the shoulders, forcing me to a stop and blocking my escape with his body. I squirmed in his arms, trying to get free. _Fuck! I'm so close._ _My room is just two doors and a staircase away. Why won't he just let me go?_

"I don't think so." He said it with finality. Like it was only up to _him_, only _his _decision. Like I didn't even get a say.

And that's when I started getting angry.

I wasn't scared anymore. Well I was, but it wasn't consuming me anymore. I was irritated. I was irritated with him. He just kept pushing and pushing and I grew more and more resentful. I didn't care that I needed to be pushed, that he was just trying to help me. I resented it anyway. I'd clearly told him that I didn't want to talk about it anymore. I was still entitled to some privacy, wasn't I? _Who the hell does he think he is,_ _telling _me_ what's for _my_ own good?_ I didn't have to explain myself to him. I didn't have to tell him anything. He was supposed to be my boyfriend not my freaking father. _Where does he get off scolding me and telling me what to do like I'm still a little girl? _

He wouldn't let me go and he wouldn't let me look away. I struggled harder against his hold. "Why not?" I gritted out._ Why can't he just drop this? Why can't we talk about it later?_

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe because you've lied to me before," he sneered in that mocking tone again. He pronounced each word slowly, the patronizing bastard. I wanted to slap that smug look off his face. "Maybe because it's always later with you. Maybe because later means never with you. Maybe because if I didn't push, you'd never tell me anything." His grip on my shoulders tightened and he shook me. Hard. "I'm on _your_ side. Why can't you just talk to me? You're so fucking infuriating sometimes. You _promised_ me you wouldn't lie."

_You're such a fucking hypocrite!_ I screamed on the inside.

I stopped struggling and just glared at him, our faces so close together that I could feel his hot breath on my face. The tension solidified into a wall between us. I was furious. With him. With myself. With everyone.

But mostly with him.

The words were on the tip of my tongue. I so wanted to just scream them at him.

_Keep your mouth shut._ _Don't say anything. You'll regret it. _

_But he deserves it. I'm right; he's wrong._

_Keep quiet. It's __always__ better to keep quiet._

I knew the voice in my head was probably right but I didn't fucking care. I couldn't just keep my mouth shut anymore. I'd finally had enough and I just snapped.

"You're such a fucking hypocrite!" I spat at him. I didn't just blurt it out without thinking like I sometimes had in the past. This was premeditated. I wanted to say it and I said it. I meant it. I wanted to say a whole lot more. "You go on and on about this honesty crap. Bella, you can't lie to me. Bella, you have to tell me everything. It's not like _you_ tell _me_ everything."

It felt deliciously good to watch his face fall. His grip loosened and he took a small step back uncertainly.

"Bella, I…" he began but I cut him off.

_I don't think so, Edward. It's my turn to talk. Isn't this what you wanted all along? You wanted me to get mad. I'm mad._

"What did you and Mike fight about, huh?" I began spitefully. I hadn't even realized just how bitter I really was over his double standard. "Who keeps calling you? Why did you rush out this morning, all upset?"

He moved towards me again in an obvious attempt to calm me down. Whatever his plan had been, it had obviously backfired. "Bella, love…" he cooed, switching into damage-control mode.

"And for the last time, stop using those fucking stupid pet names on me." Hearing him use another one of his ridiculous pet names at a time like this just made me even madder. How dare he use that trick on me _now_?! "Don't handle me, Edward." I wanted him to admit that he was wrong. Not placate me with the little tricks he always used to calm me down.

"I'm not-"

_Un-fucking-believable._ Was he actually going to stand there and deny it?

"Yes you are! Do you really think I'm such a moron that I don't realize what you're doing? You're doing it right now. This whole thing – you were just trying to provoke me into having the reaction _you think_ I should've had. You're supposed to be my boyfriend, Edward. You're not my fucking father so stop treating me like I'm your problem child."

I didn't wait for him to answer. I turned to walk away, knowing I was right for once. I just wanted to stomp off and enjoy my victory. Just like in the movies.

"Where are you going? Bella, wait," Edward yelled from behind me.

I spun around to face him again, planning on informing him that he had no right to tell me what to do, but the words caught in my throat when I saw his expression.

That was fear in his eyes. I knew that look well. He looked terrified.

"We're fighting, Bella. Couples fight," he rambled. There was an edge to his voice that worried me. "Don't leave. Please sit down." He sounded almost… desperate.

He slowly sat down on the bench - on our bench – never taking his eyes off me as if he expected me to bolt at any moment. He stared at me as I stood there in shock, trying to figure out what was going on in his head. I was so used to strong, confident Edward. I'd never seen him look so vulnerable.

"Sit with me," he implored. There was something in his eyes that I couldn't quite decipher. _Why does this feel like it could be a deal-breaker for him?_

I was still mad at him. I considered walking off out of pure spite. He had hurt me; now I could hurt him. But something in his expression kept me frozen. Well, that and maybe the fact that he called us a couple for the first time. I hadn't even realized just how much I needed to hear him say it until he said it.

"Please sit."

_What the fuck do I do now?_

His panicked eyes made my decision for me. I knew what that felt like. I _never _wanted to make him feel that way.

I wasn't entirely sure why sitting on that bench was so important to him but… _Deep breath, Bella._ Mad or not, if it was important to him then it was important to me. I was angry with him right now but that didn't erase my feelings for him. And I didn't _want_ to hurt him. I just wanted him to admit that he was wrong to berate me for not being honest with him when he was so obviously keeping secrets from me.

I sat down grudgingly, crossing my arms and staring straight ahead. I tried to figure out if this made me weak for giving in or strong for staying and sticking it out. It was so fucking difficult to tell sometimes.

"I'm not sorry," I clarified – both for him and for myself.

"I know," he whispered. "Thank you."

I guess he was satisfied that I wouldn't run away because I couldn't feel his eyes on me anymore. We just sat there, staring straight ahead in silence. I tried to use the time to make sense of our first… fight I guess.

_Edward and I had a fight. _

_And I think maybe I won. _

Or it was a draw, I guess, because I hadn't exactly been honest with Edward either. Still, I didn't lose. Of that I was absolutely certain. And that was something, right?

The moments passed us by as we sat there. The tension between us persisted, but things felt a lot less volatile.

My anger was fading but it didn't go away entirely. I had definitely gotten a little carried away and taken it out on Edward. I'd kept everything inside for so long… once I got going, it was difficult to stop.

But he deliberately provoked me so… no, I wasn't sorry. And he definitely deserved some of my anger. I was at least partly right for once. He wasbeing a hypocrite. He was the one who fucked up this time and he was the one who had to apologize. _I'm not telling him jack until he apologizes._

Finally, Edward interrupted our silent time-out. He was definitely a lot calmer, as was I, but the tension was still there in his voice.

"Did it ever occur to you that maybe I didn't tell you because you never even asked?"

_Actually – no._ That hadn't occurred to me at all. He almost sounded hurt that I hadn't asked. Maybe… maybe I should've asked. Was it possible that he had just been waiting for me to ask all this time? Maybe I wasn't right at all. Maybe I was wrong. Just like always.

But… no. _No._ I wasn't going to let him pawn this off on me. I _was_ right. I think.

_I'm right. I know I'm right, damn it. _

Maybe I never asked him straight out, but I dropped hints. And he could read me better than anyone. He'd definitely known all along that I wanted him to tell me. This wasn't just some stupid misunderstanding.

I turned to look at him and raised my eyebrows suspiciously. "So if I had just asked, you would've told me what Mike said to you after I left?" I didn't believe him at all. He was deliberately keeping secrets from me and I was going to get him to admit it.

He exhaled loudly. "I don't know. Probably not," he reluctantly admitted and I rolled my eyes triumphantly. _I _am_ right. _

"But Bella, Mike's a moron. He doesn't know what he's talking about. And he's fucking delusional if he really thinks he has any say in who I date." He turned his whole body towards me and began explaining, the words spilling out in a rush. "It was mostly about me anyway. And I'm sorry but I wasn't about to repeat that drivel and make things harder on you, all right? I didn't think you'd really believe me if I told you it was all bullshit and you worry way too much as it is."

_Oh._ So the fight really was about me. That had been my fear all along and to have it confirmed now… _Oh._

_I wonder what he said exactly … He obviously didn't think I was good enough for Edward… And he's probably right… _

_No. I'm not going to do this right now. _

_You can overthink this later. This isn't about Mike. It's about you and Edward. _

I pushed the thoughts away. It was not without effort but at least I managed it.

"Edward, that's nice that you're trying to protect me but you still should've told me… something. And if like you said it was mostly about you… well… did it ever occur to you that I might actually likeworrying about _you_?" _Does my voice really have to tremble right now? Well at least I'm not blushing. _

"Bella," he sighed. He put his arm around me and I let him. I leaned into his side, resting my head on his shoulder and gazing ahead.

"You can't keep secrets but then expect me to tell you all of mine. You have to talk to me too, Edward. Even if it's something unpleasant, ok? You can't just tell me the things you think I can handle. I always want to know. You said we were in this together. This couple thing… it has to go both ways." I began pensively. "I want to be there for you too. I've never been part of a team. I want us to be a team." I tried to make my voice sound as firm as possible. Edward had to understand that this could be a deal-breaker _for me_.

"We _are_ a team." He placed a soft kiss on the top of my head and stroked my hair lazily. "It's not that I didn't think you could handle it. I _know_ you can handle it, Bella. I just didn't want you to have to handle it, you know? But, you're right." He nudged my chin up with his finger and stared into my eyes, rubbing his thumb back and forth across my cheek. "Bella, I'm sorry. I should've told you. Especially after I lectured you. I'm sorry."

"Apology accepted." I snuggled closer to him and he kissed me on my forehead, murmuring a soft 'thank you' against my skin. It felt good to be right for once but… but it felt better to be back in Edward's arms. I had no intention of making him grovel. An apology was more than enough for me. Well that and some answers to my other questions.

"Edward, I'm asking now. Who called this morning?"

He swallowed nervously but didn't avert his eyes. "Esme," he whispered.

"What did she say?"

He pulled away, frowning. I could see that he was quickly becoming upset. I placed my hand on his knee tentatively, hoping that it was a comforting gesture.

"She's… she's considering filing for divorce. She calls me because I'm the only one who knows. I don't think she has anyone else to talk to."

"Oh." The guilt immediately washed over me. I was such an idiot. It was a family thing. I had no right to force him to tell me that. "Edward, I'm so sorry. You don't have to say anything else."

"No, I want to tell you about it. I was going to tell you, I swear. I just… I wanted to just enjoy us and forget for a little while, you know?" he mumbled quietly, playing with the ends of my hair.

"You could've just told me that you needed some time. I'd understand if you still need more time," I replied softly, not wanting him to feel pressured.

"No, I'm fine."

I rubbed my thumb in little semi-circles along his knee and rested my chin against his shoulder so I could look up at him.

"Why does bad shit always happen in clusters? Have you noticed that? It's weird." He smiled weakly and I just shrugged, waiting for him to continue.

"They've been fighting for a while I guess. Before I left to come back to college, my mom… she just broke down and told me everything. She thinks Carlisle is cheating on her. God, Bella! I can't even picture it in my head. Carlisle of all people! I mean, if he's cheating then anyone can cheat."

"Did you ask him?" I whispered.

He shook his head and looked away.

"Well, then you don't know for sure. There might be another explanation. Maybe Esme is wrong," I suggested hopefully.

"Or maybe she's right and it's just inevitable. Maybe one person just always cares more in a relationship. Maybe love is just like everything else…Love dies too," he stated in a dull tone. "I'm sorry. I know it's stupid. People get divorced all the time. I just didn't think it would ever happen to them… I mean if you'd seen Carlisle and Esme just a few months ago. They were so happy."

"Hey," I squeezed his knee gently. "It's not stupid. But, Edward… couples fight, right? Maybe they're just going through a rough patch right now." _I wish I could think of something less cliché to say right now…_ _How fucking ironic that it's me of all people who has to convince Edward that things can work out._ I told him all the things people had said to me when Renee announced her intention to divorce Charlie. It hadn't helped me much back then and I doubted it would help Edward but I told him everything I could think of anyway. Just in case. I didn't really think there was anything I could say but I hoped it was enough that I was willing to sit there and listen to him vent for as long as he needed to.

When he fell quiet, just staring straight ahead, his arm loose around me, I pressed my lips against his cheek. It just felt like the right thing to do and he met my eyes again.

"It err – it gets a little worse. Earlier when you accused me of handling you – well you sort of hit a nerve. When I said Esme broke down and told me… that isn't entirely accurate." He turned away from me and looked down at his shoes. He looked… ashamed of himself. "She didn't break down so much as I – I sort of manipulated her into telling me everything. She didn't want to tell me. I guilt tripped her into it."

I placed my hand on his cheek and turned his face back towards mine so I could search his eyes.

The way he was looking at me… I could tell we were not just talking about his mother anymore.

I swallowed down the lump in my throat.

"It's very difficult to force someone to do something they really don't want to do. I suspect that she knew what you were doing and let you. I suspect she wanted you to push her." I dropped my hand and looked away, unable to maintain eye contact. "Just like I do," I confessed.

"So… our fight…you don't hate me now for pushing you?" he asked shyly.

"No… I –" I tried to ignore my cheeks as they started to heat up. "I know I need to be pushed. I know you're just trying to help me." I placed my hand back on his knee. It just felt right there. "But that doesn't mean that it doesn't irritate me sometimes."

I looked back up at him and smiled sheepishly. He smiled back.

He squeezed my shoulder gently, brushing my hair back with his other hand. "Bella. Earlier with Lauren?" he whispered.

I guess it was my turn to be ashamed. I hid my stained cheeks against his chest. Saying it all out loud… in front of Edward… it was just _so humiliating._

He hugged me tighter, running his hand up and down my back soothingly. "Bella," he began determinedly. "Earlier…were you just rationalizing? Is there nothing else you want to tell me?"

_I can't do this. I can't confirm it. What if he tells someone else? Or worse, laughs at me? _This wasn't like writing about it in my stupid journal. I couldn't hide this at the bottom of my bag. I'd never be able to take this back.

_He's already figured it out. He already knows._ How could he not? He'd seen me flinch and shake and tremble. _He's obviously known for a while. And he's still around, isn't he? He's your friend. Tell him._

I had to tell him. He told me his secrets, it was only fair. And there was a tiny part of me that actually wanted to tell him. Maybe Edward had been right. Maybe it would be a bit of a relief to finally tell someone. _Tell him._

"I was just so scared. I – I was too scared to say anything," I mumbled into his shirt. "I'm afraid of confrontation. I'm afraid of everything. A-All the time." Hearing it all out loud… it just sounded so mundane. It was just another statement. A fact I couldn't change.

"Bella. Is it just… please tell me that no one… that nothing…" He broke off mid-sentence, struggling to find the right words. I wasn't really sure what he was trying to ask me or why it was upsetting him. He took a deep breath and tried again. "Bella, did something happen to you?"

_Did something happen to me? When? What was he talking about? What could've happened? _I didn't understand his question at first but then it suddenly clicked and my stomach dropped.

All this time… was this the reason he had been so patient with me? He thought there was some tragic past that I just hadn't told him about yet? Would he hate me when he found out that I didn't have anyone to blame for this but myself?

_Maybe you should make something up._ _God knows it would be easier than trying to explain the truth to him. You don't even know what the truth is. Open your mouth and he'll just look at you like you're crazy, just like everybody else does. It's easier to lie._

_No. No I can't lie. Not after everything. _

_He said we were a couple. He said we were a team. Fucking look him in the eyes and tell him._ I moved my face out of its hiding place on his chest and met his concerned gaze. "No, Edward. Nothing happened. I think I-I've always been this way. I did this to myself."

He didn't stop rubbing my back, gently but resolutely nudging me forward.

"I'm not sure that I'm going to be able to explain this to you. I don't really understand it myself."

He placed his other hand over mine on his knee, squeezing gently. I turned mine over and we joined our fingers.

"Um, ok."_ Deep breath, Bella_, I told myself for the tenth time today. Not that it fucking helped. _What idiot came up with that idea anyway?_

"I've always been really shy, you know? And err… well it wasn't so bad when I was younger, but it got worse after I moved to live with Charlie. Forks is a small town and I didn't really get along with anyone. Charlie, he - he didn't push me to go out like my mom used to and it was easier to just keep to myself and focus on school. It didn't really feel like I was missing out on that much because I never had fun with any of them anyway, but it didn't really help the shyness." I tried to laugh or shrug or something… anything to lighten the mood a little but it didn't really work. "Um, then at college… only class is mandatory here. It was even easier to isolate myself. I just – I got so used to being alone, you know?"

I could see it in his eyes that he _wanted_ to understand but it was equally clear that he didn't. He didn't know. I hadn't really expected him to.

_Ok. Just keep talking. _The last thing I wanted to do was try to explain to him how easy it had been to retreat into my own little bubble, a safe corner where I could just live in my daydreams and where other people couldn't hurt me. How the longer I stayed there, the more difficult it became to connect to other people, to even want to try to reach out to them. How quickly it had become a matter of me vs. all of them. How effortlessly I had given up. The last thing I wanted to do was try to explain it to him but I tried anyway. Because he asked me. Because he held my hand the entire time. Because it was Edward.

I kept talking but it wasn't coming out right. It wasn't making sense.

"Do you remember just after you found out about your grandmother? How you said you were getting stuck in your thoughts? And you just couldn't stop thinking about it?" I stumbled over myself, trying to come up with some way to explain this to him. I tried to feel encouraged by his small nod.

"That's the best way I can think to describe it – that's kind of how I am with everything. I just – I get stuck in my head sometimes. I think too much about things and the more I think about them, the more I start to worry about them. And then it just becomes even harder to stop thinking and I just come up with more and more reasons to worry and to be afraid. I know it probably doesn't make sense. I can't really explain it…" I trailed off, defeated, moving my eyes safely back to my shoes. It sounded ridiculous. I was fucking insane if I really expected him to understand that.

"Sometimes, sometimes I wish that something had happened to me…" I whispered to myself.

The arm around me tightened instantly. "Bella, don't _ever_ say that."

"It's true, though," I confessed to my shoes quietly. "Then maybe things would make more sense, be simpler. I'd at least have an excuse, you know? But I don't, I just-"

"Bella, stop." He took my face in his hands, framing it gently. "You don't need an excuse with me, ok? It doesn't matter. I think I understand a little. I don't know if I understand completely, but… but I do know this. I know how far you've come already. You just – you just have to keep trying," he whispered, rubbing the pad of his thumb along my cheek. "And know that I'm here for you, if you need me. We'll work on it, ok?"

He crushed me into a tight hug, tucking my head underneath his chin. I wanted to just hug him back with everything I had but I pulled away. Something else needed to be said. It didn't matter how deeply he kissed me or how tightly he held me. I needed him to put this particular fear to rest. I couldn't carry it around with me anymore. I just had to hear him say it. I had to make sure.

"Edward, is that all you're interested in? You just want to fix me?" Logically, I knew it sounded stupid but I couldn't help it. What if he had some kind of savior-complex and he just needed a damsel-in-distress? What if he got off on being the hero? Maybe he wasn't interested in me _despite_ my "problem"… maybe that's what had drawn him to me all along…. The little freak girl in the corner who looked at him with worship in her eyes.

"Bella, no. It's not about fixing you. Or me for that matter. It's about finding a way that works for us. From what I understand that entails both of us making changes." He drew me back into his embrace, resting his forehead against mine. "I just want to be with you, Bella," he whispered. "I care about you."

"I – I care about you too," I whispered back just before his lips met mine.

**

* * *

A/N: So this is what Bella thinks is wrong – if you want a more detailed explanation of how she ended up like this, please read the A/N on the Twilighted thread. The A/N and Bella's explanation can't match up perfectly because that would make Bella ridiculously self-aware.**

**Huge, huge thanks to my beta, thequietlife. She's helping me more and more as we get further in to the story and I could not be more grateful for her time.**

**Also, as usual, many thanks to Irritable Grizzzly and those of you who reviewed last chapter. I try to answer as best I can and value your feedback.**


	19. Possible

**Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. I own nothing.**

**WARNING: THIS STORY IS RATED M. ****I think it's pretty tame, but if you'd really rather not read it and still want to follow the story, let me know and I'll send you a summary or something. Like I said though, I don't think it's too bad.  
**

_Last chapter: "Bella, no. It's not about fixing you. Or me for that matter. It's about finding a way that works for us. From what I understand that entails both of us making changes." He drew me back into his embrace, resting his forehead against mine. "I just want to be with you, Bella," he whispered. "I care about you."_

"_I – I care about you too," I whispered back just before his lips met mine._

* * *

The kiss was light and soft at first. I could barely feel Edward's lips as they quietly nudged mine. They brushed back and forth, teasing and gentle, pulling away then returning again, making me tremble and tingle all over without ever quite fully making contact the way I wanted them to. I could hear my heart beating wildly. I could feel my breathing quicken.

My lips trailed after his eagerly, seeking more and parting without hesitation, as his fingers curled around the back of my neck, massaging. _God, that feels nice._ My own hand somehow found its way back to his knee, my thumb rubbing persistent semi-circles across the material of his jeans. His teasing was driving me a little crazy. When his lips parted against mine, I was practically panting. It would've been (more) embarrassing if he hadn't been panting a little too.

_Why does this feel like our first kiss?_ Our honesty was still so raw that even this tiny little gesture felt insanely intimate. It was too much. But it was also not enough. It was the closest I'd ever felt to anyone, just sitting here with Edward, almost-sort-of-kissing, sharing each other's breaths.

I was still scared. _Christ, I can't think of anything _more_ terrifying than being this close to another person, giving them so much power._ Telling Edward about my "problem" had been difficult to say the least, but it was also strangely liberating. I was scared but I wasn't ashamed of it. Not with Edward. Not right now. I didn't even care that we were out in the open and this was technically PDA. (Although that could have something to do with the fact that there was no one around anyway.) It was without a doubt the best I'd ever felt. Just knowing that someone - no that _Edward_ - cared about me, that he wanted to be with me, that maybe I wasn't alone anymore… It was everything. It made me want to bawl like a baby and smile like an idiot. More than anything, though, I just wanted him to feel the same way, to know _how much_ I cared about him too.

But it wasn't love. He hadn't said love – he just said he cared. That was all it was for me too. And that was good. Caring was not the same thing as loving. Caring was a lot safer. As long as it wasn't love, it wouldn't utterly destroy me when this eventually ended. I was sure this would end, as all good things do, but I wasn't going to worry about that right now. You're supposed to just enjoy the moment, right? Right. That's exactly what I was going to try to do. Even if we didn't last through the week, it was worth it just to have this moment.

Coming clean to Edward felt like such a colossal moment, though. I couldn't see how things could go back to normal. How could we just get up and go about our day? But that's exactly what happened. There was one last chaste kiss, then Edward took my hand and we got up.

We spent the rest of our afternoon exactly as we had planned to yesterday and everything seemed to go back to the way it had been before all the complications. Well… it wasn't exactly the same. I guess there were a few differences… they were just subtler than I expected. I couldn't be completely sure, but I think he was looking at me differently. Like he was constantly smiling at me with his eyes… _Does that sound completely crazy?_ Maybe it was all just in my head but it felt like he was looking at me as if he really knew me, as if maybe I was important to him.

I was looking at him differently too. When I thought back to those first few weeks and all those fantasies I had about him… they really were laughable. Deep down, I'd been so convinced that he was perfect. But now I was seeing him a little more clearly. He wasn't perfect. He made mistakes. He messed up sometimes… just like I did. Not nearly as often or on the same scale as I did, but still… I was starting to see some of his flaws. I shouldn't have been surprised that the realization he had flaws made him even more appealing to me. This real-life version of him was so much better. I know it seems stupid, but it was the little things that made me feel better. For example, he started using curse words in casual conversation – while we talked about classes starting up again, at dinner. I'd heard him swear before, but it was usually only when he was really mad or frustrated about something. I wasn't sure why he suddenly cursed more freely, but to the extent that I could, I chose to interpret it as him using the "shit-delicate-little-Bella-shouldn't-hear" filter a lot less. I felt so happy every time I heard him calmly curse in front me. It really was pathetic but it was just so reassuring. Like he was letting go and being himself more around me. Like he was treating me like his friend and partner instead of someone he had to constantly look after. Like we were almost equals. It just made the idea of us in a proper relationship seem like less of an oxymoron. I was starting to believe that this whole thing really was possible. Well… it seemed like less of a joke, at least.

The other big difference was that the former tension between us dissolved. Sort of. It felt like it had been replaced by a very different kind of tension. I was, impossibly, even _more _aware of Edward now. Every little movement, every little touch… and Christ he did a lot of touching, even more than usual. It was all innocent of course - he brushed my hair out of my face, held my hand and traced little circles with his thumb, nuzzled my neck and smelled my hair – but still… By the time we went to have dinner it felt like I was no longer in possession of my faculties.

It was more difficult for him to touch me when we were seated opposite each other, but he somehow managed it anyway. I didn't mind at all. Actually, I liked it. A lot. I happily reciprocated. It didn't feel like I could really help it anyway - I'd never had so much trouble keeping my hands to myself.

I caught myself mirroring his movements and staring at him stupidly on more than one occasion. Gah. What the hell was wrong with me? Why was I acting like I was seeing him for the first time tonight?

I watched the tip of his fork disappear into his mouth and reappear again. The muscles in his neck played smoothly as he chewed and swallowed. He licked his lips and I automatically licked mine. _How long before he kisses me again? God, if he doesn't kiss me soon I'm just going to have to find a way to kiss him. Mmm… As soon as we get out of here, I'll just grab him by that pretty shirt collar and kiss him. Really kiss him… with tongue and everything. And then maybe instead of sinking my hands into his hair, I'll place them on his chest lightly. Well, at first it will be light but then-_

"Don't you like your chicken?"

"Huh?" I shifted my gaze back to his eyes. Apparently he'd said something. Damn it. I'd been staring stupidly at his mouth again and I missed it.

"Are you ok? You seem a little distracted." His innocent concern made the cold guilt seep down my spine. He was just trying to have a nice dinner and I was ogling him shamelessly. He probably had no idea what impure thoughts were running through my head.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry." I shook my head, hoping to snap myself out of it, blushing furiously. It didn't help that his hand was resting on mine again. It was only for a moment but the pleasant warmth lingered long after he withdrew it back to his side of the table. I could almost still feel the weight of his hand, large and strong as it completely enveloped mine. Naturally, that just made me think of our make-out sessions when Edward would practically lie on top of me. Sometimes when he got carried away, he'd let me feel a little more of his weight on me. Mmm… _Ok, snap out of it, Bella. For God's sake, you're acting like an adolescent fan girl. _

I fixed my eyes on the wallpaper behind Edward's head and tried to calm myself down a little by tracing the pattern.

Below the table, Edward's foot bumped my ankle by accident. Huh… I guess he'd removed his shoe at some point.

_Woah… ok not an accident._ I jumped a little in my seat as his foot slid up, softly brushing against my calf and then drawing back quickly.

My eyes snapped back to his at the sound of his voice. "So your dinner – doesn't it taste good?" he asked calmly, his face innocence personified, as if nothing of interest had just occurred below the tablecloth. _I didn't imagine it, did I?_

"Oh no, it does. It's really good." I looked down at my untouched plate. "Oh… actually I haven't tried it yet," I confessed stupidly, quickly shovelling a forkful into my mouth. "Yep, I'm confirming that it's good," I mumbled, adding an exaggerated "Mmm" and a thumbs up for emphasis. _A thumbs up, Bella? Really?_ _God,_ _I'm such a loser. _

"Good. I'm glad." He chuckled and when I looked up I caught him smirking down at his plate. Holy crap. He was so doing this on purpose. The smug bastard was messing with me. He knew exactly what he was doing.

_Ok, get a grip Bella. You're just going to look at your chicken. Don't look directly at him. _For the most part it worked and we ate in charged silence for a few minutes. I was starting to feel really warm, though, and my constant blush wasn't helping so I took off my sweater. I'd only put it on after Lauren made that remark about my shirt, but who the hell cared what she thought of my clothes anyway? I liked my shirt and things with Edward had turned out okay. Better than okay. _He freaking told me he cares about me._ She might've even done me a favor.

I tried not to make too much of a mess as I ate, but of course I failed quickly. I'd barely just started eating when some of the cream sauce dripped on my hand. I licked it off quickly, not wanting to get any of it on the nice tablecloth. I probably should've used a napkin but I didn't. I liked the fact that I _could _do something like that in front of Edward now without feeling at all uncomfortable or worrying that he was judging me. He didn't care, so neither did I… mostly. _So how long did that take? Only a couple of months and who knows how many dinners?_ Well, it was still something.

_There it is again. _I'd just finished licking the sauce off my hand when I felt Edward's foot rub persistently against my calf again, lingering a little longer this time. I searched his eyes trying to figure out what was going through his head. He was blatantly staring at me. _Ok, it's definitely what you think it is._ That greedy look in his eyes… God. It almost made me put my sweater back on. At the same time though, it also felt … good? Exciting even? _Is it possible that he might… you know… want me too?_

I looked around the restaurant guiltily. Surely every single person in the room knew exactly what was going on under the table. _No, they didn't. Relax. They're all too busy, too absorbed in their own little lives to care what you're doing._ Plus the tablecloth was long. They wouldn't be able to see anything even if they were looking.

_Ok, I can do this. _This was innocent enough. What's a little footsie under the table with my boyfriend? _It's no big deal. _

Maybe it was the fact that I'd opened up to him so much earlier today or that he'd said we were a couple but for whatever reason, I was feeling a little bolder tonight. I really had to reciprocate. My freaking boyfriend was flirting with me… how could I not flirt back? When I told him I cared about him too, I wasn't just saying it back. I meant it and I wanted him to know it, to feel it running through his veins. Just telling him was not enough. I wanted to show him like he constantly showed me with every little gesture and kind word. He put up with so much from me; I knew how difficult this relationship was for him. It broke my heart to realize how rejected he must feel sometimes when I pulled away, how neglected. He was always reassuring me, helping me, being strong for me. He was constantly giving; I wanted to give back. It was all part of being a good girlfriend, wasn't it? Hadn't I already committed to trying to be just that?

I slipped off my shoe to search for his leg. I tried really hard to maintain eye contact when I found it. I started off slowly, touching my ankle to his and then sliding my foot up like he had done until it was loosely hooked around his calf.

_Don't blush. Don't blush. Don't blush._ _So help me God, just take another bite of chicken and pretend like nothing is going on. _

He reacted immediately, brushing his leg against mine under the table. We seemed to settle into a gentle rhythm and actually, it was kind of nice. Ok nice was definitely the wrong word. It was elating. A little secret just between the two of us that we could savour, while above the table we chatted casually about nothing. The truth was that I really liked flirting with Edward. It was fun and it felt good. I didn't feel guilty about it … like I was intentionally leading him on or something because of our talk earlier. I could just enjoy this for what it was right now. The rest would come later and I'd worry about it then. Well that's what I told myself anyway. It was easier said than done but I was marginally successful in blocking the thoughts that were telling me to panic over as to where this might be heading. I tried really hard to just focus on Edward and how much fun we were having.

Speaking of… Edward's foot was becoming more and more adventurous under the table as our meal drew to a close. I wanted to roll my eyes when he asked me about the weather but his foot slipped underneath my jeans at that exact same moment, rubbing against the bare skin at my ankle.

_Dear Lord._ Is it really bad that I was a little disappointed when it didn't slide any higher? I was getting really warm now and starting to squirm in my seat. Why was this having such an effect on me? I was starting to worry a little that I might have a foot fetish or something. Then again, maybe it was just because it was Edward.

"Do you want dessert?" he asked and I made the fatal mistake of looking up at him. _Ok, I'm definitely not the only one who is affected. _He was looking at me as if I was something to eat, as if _I_ was dessert. I swallowed nervously but was a little surprised to realize that that idea didn't seem all that repellent to me right now. It made my toes curl in anticipation.

I shook my head no, meaning only that I was ready to get the hell out of this restaurant. I paid quickly – it was my turn tonight – and Edward grabbed my hand and my sweater and led me outside. I welcomed the cool night air as it played on my overheated skin.

I leaned into Edward when he put his arm around me and guided us back to the campus. "Edward, I was thinking we could quickly go to your dorm room first. So we can get some clean clothes for you for tomorrow." My eyes went wide then and I stumbled over myself trying to correct my bold assumption that he was staying the night again. "I mean only if you want to sleep with me." _Fuck! Did I really just say that?_ "I mean sleep in the same room in the same bed… with me… not the err… the other thing. Shit." I hid my red face against his shirt, mortified.

His entire frame shook as he laughed at me. "It's not funny," I mumbled into his chest. Actually, this was all his fault. He worked his stupid flirting voodoo on me and now my brain wasn't working properly.

"It's hilarious." He tapped my cheek with his finger playfully, annoyingly, until I relented and looked up at him. "You're hilarious," he said through his grin, leaning down to kiss my nose. It tickled and I scrunched my nose, laughing quietly.

"I'm glad I amuse you," I tried to say sarcastically but it was difficult to be sarcastic when I was still laughing.

"So am I." He planted a big, exaggerated kiss on my forehead and I squirmed in his arms, trying to get free.

Okay, so I said something stupid again. How many times had I already done that? I wasn't going to let my embarrassment over something so silly ruin my night. Edward laughed; I laughed. It wasn't a big deal. It wasn't worth getting worked up over. Not with Edward, anyway. He understood. He got me. I wasn't going to beat myself up over this... well, not much anyway. Not when the lips I had been staring at for the majority of the evening were so close and so kissable. I remembered my little fantasy and how badly I'd wanted to kiss him in the restaurant. I was so close. I could just do it now.

I reached up to pull his head down towards me. Maybe the whole grabbing him with reckless abandon thing was a little too far out of my comfort zone for now, but I managed to pull off a milder version of my fantasy that wasn't at all disappointing. I let my hand rest on his chest while he covered my mouth with his. His lips were warm and soft and inviting.

I almost wanted to whimper in disappointment when he quickly ended the kiss. It was a pleasant little kiss but it left me feeling restless. _How much longer until the making out begins? _

"And just for future reference," he whispered roughly in my ear, sending shivers down my spine. "I'd love to sleep with you."

_Oh. My. God._

My heart started pounding against my ribs in protest. I knew he was mostly joking and that he understood my little gaff earlier wasn't an invitation but I could tell that he was also dead serious. I wasn't sure if it was more terrifying or thrilling. I tried really hard to just concentrate on the thrilling part. It actually almost seemed possible tonight that something like that could happen for me, _for us_ one day.

One day.

Maybe it was because we both knew that day was far away or maybe I was just starting to feel more comfortable flirting with him, but it was a little easier to block out the negative thoughts tonight. I didn't really care about the why and I sure as hell wasn't stupid enough to look too closely at the how. Just as long as my good night could continue.

* * *

We dropped by his dorm room first and I leaned against the doorframe, watching Edward quickly grab some clean clothes for tomorrow. I wasn't exactly watching his face. Even though he was rushing, throwing clothes into a bag at random, there was still a smooth elegance about his movements. I was so fucking envious. And oddly a little smug at the same time, almost proud of _my_ boyfriend.

He finished quickly and we headed for my room. We were both walking a lot faster than we normally did. A tense silence slowly engulfed us as we got closer and closer. I guess neither of us felt particularly talkative. There wasn't anything to say. We both knew what would happen as soon as we got to my room. It felt like we really _should_ make out tonight. Especially tonight. It felt like we _should_ go even further. It was only appropriate right? Kind of like the end of a date, or even worse, the dreaded third date… There are certain moments which just demand that you kick things up a notch, right?

I felt myself starting to worry. _Oh my god. How much further are we supposed to go?_ That constant feeling of dread started to creep home, underneath my skin where it belonged. I welcomed it back, my own personal little cloud that followed me around everywhere.

_Ok, calm the fuck down, Bella. You can just make out. You don't have to go further. _

But it really felt like we _had_ to go further tonight. It was only right that something more happen after all we'd confessed, all we'd said. That was just how these things worked, right? _When somebody says you're a couple for the first time, when somebody tells you they care about you and you say it back, you're expected to take things to the next level, aren't you? Is Edward expecting that? Is that why he started the whole footsie, flirting thing?_ _He knows something more is supposed to happen tonight too. _

I _did_ wantto do more, though, didn't I? I was somewhat sure that I did. I think. I just didn't like the feeling that I _had to_… that somehow the situation demanded it. It was stupid. Logically, I knew I didn't have to do anything, but I couldn't shake the feeling that somehow it was required tonight.

When we got to my room, I followed him inside, making sure to lock my door behind me. For once the sound of the door locking was not comforting. It was fucking terrifying. I didn't like how that _click_ was immediately snuffed out by the silence. I turned to face Edward more cautiously than I should have. It was just so quiet. Just him and me and impatient silence and inevitability.

The crazy intimacy was back. Only this time we weren't safely outside in public where nothing much could really happen. We were alone in my room. I felt myself start to shake a little as I watched Edward approach me expectantly, staring at me so intensely that I just couldn't look away. I'd been so eager to get back here when we were at dinner, but now… that's just it … I guess it's different when it's _now_. When you're staring right at it and you know it's about to happen. Right here, right now.

I absolutely should not have taken a step back as Edward stopped in front of me but I did. And then I took another when he came even closer until my back was pressed up against my door.

He bent down and kissed me sweetly, properly. It was the kiss I had been waiting for all night and I couldn't even enjoy it. I put my arms around his neck half-heartedly. It was difficult to focus on his kiss, his light embrace. I was just so consumed, wondering how far other couples would go, how far Edward wanted to go tonight…

Ugh. Why was I letting this get to me? I hoped at least that Edward couldn't tell, but of course I should've known better. He could read me pretty fucking accurately by now. Either that or what he said next really was the truth, despite all indications to the contrary.

He kissed me on my forehead and pulled away. "I'm beat. Do you mind if we just go to sleep?"

_Uh-huh. Sure. What's next? Not tonight, honey, I have a headache? _Real translation: Nothing has to happen tonight.

He walked to my bed, retrieved my pyjamas from underneath my pillow and offered them to me. His smile seemed a little too casual. "Why don't you go put on your pyjamas? I'll change in here."

He was getting rid of that inevitable feeling, that weird pressure I'd felt choking me earlier, and giving me a perfectly valid excuse to just cuddle up to him and go to sleep. He was giving me an easy out, like he always did when it came to our, err… physical relationship. I took my pyjamas from him slowly and entered my bathroom, locking the door behind me as usual, as I tried to decide if I wanted to take the out he was giving me.

_So that's it? Really? You're just going to let him bail you out again? _

_I bet he's just sitting out there, wondering what he did wrong, wondering why you suddenly freaked out again…_ _I bet he thinks he's pressuring you. _

I did feel a little pressured but it wasn't because of anything Edward intentionally did or said. I definitely didn't want him to think that. It wasn't the only motivation behind my actions, though. There was something more important, lurking beneath my guilt tonight. The thing was…. I should've felt relieved. But I didn't. Ok, maybe I was a tiny bit relieved, but the overwhelming emotion was crushing disappointment. _Nothing is going to happen tonight._ I didn't like the sound of that at all. I wanted something more to happen, I was absolutely certain of that now.

_And fuck the situation. Fuck "supposed to" and "expected to."_ _It's up to me and Edward and no one else. _We didn't have to do anything, no matter what we had said or how many dates we had been on.

_I'm in control of the situation. Not the other way around._ Going further… it was a blessing, not a chore. It was something for us to enjoy, for us to feel closer to each other._ I'm going to do more because I want to and because Edward wants to, too. End of story. _

I undressed quickly, wanting to get it done before I lost my nerve. I only put on my baggy pyjama shirt over my panties. It was long enough that it covered the important parts, but it still revealed a hell of a lot more of my legs than anyone outside my family had seen in years.

_Oh my god. What if he thinks I'm ugly? Or fat? Or a million other horrible things?_

_Come on, you've seen him in just his underwear. It's only fair._

I walked towards the door and grabbed the handle. _Just walk out before you lose your nerve; go. _

_He's not perfect either. He's not perfect either. Don't panic. This is good._

This was good. This was another way for me to show Edward how much he meant to me. To show him that I was trying and I was in this couple thing with him. And I wanted to show him. I really needed to show him. I almost craved it. I felt like I would go mad if I didn't, like nothing would ever make sense again.

I unlocked the door and walked out, leaving my pyjama bottoms on the floor.

Edward was standing in the middle of my room, still fully dressed, his eyes wide as they took in my new attire. I still wasn't used to that on-display feeling and I still didn't like it. Instinctively, my hands reached for the hem of my shirt, pulling it down as far as it would go. By the time my fingers reached my shirt though, Edward had already caught himself and determinedly fixed his eyes on mine. I moved my hands back to my sides and just tried not to look away.

I didn't like how quickly the tense silence returned as I stood there trying to control my hands while Edward tried to control his eyes.

_Ok, this is getting a little ridiculous. Someone really has to say something._

"Hi," I offered stupidly. I couldn't really think of anything else.

"Hi." He smiled weakly. I could only assume that he was trying to regain control and steer us away from potentially dangerous territory. "Ready to go to sleep?"

_No, I'm not._ _I don't want to go to sleep._ Didn't he get what I was trying to tell him? Either he really did just want to go to sleep or he was letting me lead. That shouldn't have surprised me. Ever since our first make out session and the first time I freaked out on him, he never pushed me to do anything more than kissing. I guess I would just have to take the initiative.

Still, what more was I supposed to do?_ I'm already half-naked for crying out loud!_

_And he's still fully dressed. I don't like that he's still fully dressed. _

That seemed like a good place to start. "You're not in your 'pyjamas.'" I used air quotes when I said the word pyjamas and he smiled and reached for his shirt. I took a step closer and put my hand over his to stop him. _I kinda want to do this part myself._

I swallowed uncomfortably and began slowly sliding his shirt up with trembling fingers. I was still scared of tonight and what was about to happen.

"I'm really nervous," I admitted to his shirt.

He ignored my attempt to take his clothes off, framing my face with his hands instead.

"I'm nervous too," he whispered, holding my gaze again. "It's just any other night, though, ok? Just like last night. We can just go to sleep."

"I'm really nervous, but I'm not tired." I continued, determined. "Are you tired? Do you really want to go to sleep?"

He smiled sheepishly and shook his head. "No."

"Ok," I mumbled and smiled back.

His fingers trailed over my arms and settled on my waist, drawing me towards him. I let myself be pulled into his embrace, hugging his lower back and still shaking slightly against him. He nuzzled my neck, placing light little kisses just below my ear… on my cheek… just next to the corner of my mouth. His lips met mine over and over again, each chaste kiss lasting a little longer than the last. It almost felt magnetic… like our lips just couldn't stay apart for long. This was the good kind of inevitable though, the kind that sends little sparks of energy through your system and makes your skin all warm and tingly.

By the time his tongue began pressing into mine, it was starting to feel really good. It was starting to feel right. We explored each other's mouths languidly, trying to make our kisses last as long as possible before the feelings escalated. I wasn't exactly timing it, but it wasn't long before his mouth became more insistent against mine, his palms flat against the small of my back and pulling me impossibly closer. I tightened my arms around his back in response, pushing my chest into his. The butterflies in my stomach were going crazy… the anticipation, the excitement, the little bit of fear and uncertainty that still lingered in my movements…we'd barely started and I was already practically panting. There was just so much emotion in the room. Some of it was bad, but more of it was good. I didn't expect this to ever _only_ feel good, to never not also be freaking terrifying at the same time… but it felt more exciting than terrifying right now. I couldn't ask for any more than that.

His mouth broke away from mine, trailing open mouth kisses along my jaw, before his fingers angled my head back so he could access my neck. When he began kissing and licking and sucking up and down my neck, I fisted his shirt. Ok, I also might've sighed a little. _God I love it when he does that._

_Wait, his shirt… Why is he still wearing his shirt? And pants… He shouldn't still have those on either. He's supposed to be in just his 'pyjamas.' Everything else really should go. _

I fumbled my way to the hem of his shirt, slipping my hands underneath and tugging it up slightly. Edward deduced my intention quickly. He pulled away, stealing just a few more last minute kisses, and lifted his arms up so that I could slip it off. Yeah, about that… Why does this shit look so much easier on TV?

It didn't help that he was taller than I am and it didn't help that the shirt seemed to catch on his head somehow. By the time he'd helped me finally remove it, I was beyond mortified and blushing furiously. Edward of course was being his usual laid-back self, enjoying my embarrassment and kissing the blush on my cheek. It didn't make my embarrassment magically disappear, but the smile in his eyes made me feel better quickly. It actually helped to lighten the charged atmosphere, seeing him grinning down at me playfully, and I relaxed a little bit more against him. I smoothed his hair down apologetically. My intention was to kiss just by his hairline but he turned his head, seeking a proper kiss.

The debacle with his shirt was almost forgotten as things began to escalate again, Edward deepening the kiss quickly. His fingers clutched my hips and my hands responded by winding around his back again. That's when I remembered a rather important fact: he was now shirtless. My palms pressed into his back eagerly. I was really starting to like that raw, skin-on-skin feeling. I touched my lips to his neck frantically, especially right at his beautiful jaw line, then ran them along his collarbone and kissed as far down his chest as I could reach while still standing. It felt like I had to touch him everywhere, like I needed to kiss him everywhere, embrace all of him somehow. I just wanted to worship all of him… his lips, his face, his neck, his hands, his collarbone, his shoulders... There just wasn't enough time but I did my best, really fucking hoping that he was getting my message: _I want you. I need you. I care about you._ _All of you._

He began leading us backwards toward my bed and my fingers reached for his jeans. Taking his shirt off had been difficult enough, though, so I gladly let him unzip his jeans himself when his hands covered mine. _Maybe he'll let me practice this stuff some other time, _I thought to myself as he removed his jeans and socks hurriedly. We were a little too far gone right now.

As soon as he finished taking his jeans off, he pulled me towards him again, resuming our kisses. I pressed my hips further against mini-Edward. His boxers felt really soft against the bare skin of my thighs and it was reassuring to know that he was excited too.

My legs hit the back of my bed and I scrambled onto it, pushing the covers to the side. It was too hot to get under them. My skin was completely flushed and I felt warm all over. My shirt had ridden up and I was fairly certain he could see my panties but I didn't care enough to pull it back down. I'd told him some of my most shameful secrets today; it felt a little silly to worry about him seeing my underwear now. And… well … it kind of looked as if he liked it. At least, I fervently hoped that he did.

Edward climbed onto the bed after me, covering my body with his. I welcomed his lips back. _I'll never get enough of his kisses._ And God, he always smelled so good. _How the fuck does he do that?_ His smell was everywhere. I just wanted to be completely enveloped by it, by him. I was hoping that if he slept over a few more times, my bed would smell like him.

He snaked one hand under my neck, holding me to him, and latched his lips onto that spot just below my ear. _God._ His knee nudged my legs, encouraging them to separate until they were slightly bent and apart so Edward could settle between them. I'd felt mini-Edward pressed against me before - on my thigh, my hip - but things had never been quite so… lined up before. He was pressed up against me so intimately, that it was making me a little worried. It was manageable though. It was kind of nice, actually. I'd spent so long keeping him at a distance. Now I just wanted to be as close to him as I could handle.

It caught me completely off-guard however when he tentatively began moving his hips gently against and into mine.

_Ok, this is new._

_And err… a little too close to the real thing. This isn't a good idea._

I didn't like how completely vulnerable and exposed I suddenly felt. I immediately forgot who was on top of me and how much I cared about him. All I could think about was the fact that someone was pressing against me _there_, rubbing against me _there_.

"Bella?"

Edward stilled and brought his face close to mine. I could feel his breaths against my cheek. He searched my eyes and I looked back at him and willed myself to remember.

_It's Edward. He's your boyfriend. He cares about you. You care about him. You want to do this._

I slowly brushed a lock of hair away from his face. His crazy hair. It made me feel a little better to see it looking even more chaotic right now. _It's Edward. It's Edward._

I trailed my fingertips down his cheek and along his bottom lip. It was a silly thing to think right now but I liked the fact that I really knew his face. I knew the shape of his eyebrows, how his nose was just a little bit crooked, how the corner of his mouth would lift and the skin there crinkle whenever he smirked at me. _It's Edward._

I closed the distance between our lips. He kissed me back and I liked how familiar it felt, how right. _It's Edward._ _It's just Edward. _

He kissed me again and my thoughts went away. There was just kissing, just Edward. It felt _so good_ not to think, to just shut off the constant doubts and, for lack of a better phrase, just "go with the flow." It was my heaven.

I exhaled roughly and my own hips tentatively lifted up a little, meeting his. He began slowly moving against me again, with me. It didn't take long before it started to feel good. Really good. It didn't feel awkward. His movements just felt so fluid and synchronized. Nothing like my self-conscious, disjointed fumbles. He obviously knew exactly what he was doing. I tried to just be glad that one of us did.

He didn't stop kissing me, not even once we were both panting into each other's mouths, writhing against each other. I ran my hands over his back and down to his hips, lifting my leg up and hitching it over his. I wanted to show him that I was okay, that we were okay. His hand immediately ran up and down my thigh and I realized that this was the first time he'd touched my bare legs. It felt really nice. I liked how tender his touch was. It made me feel cared for and valued, almost cherished.

His hand inched up my side but stopped abruptly, digging into my ribs almost painfully. I realized what he wanted to do and that he was trying very hard to stop himself. Obviously, I'd scared him pretty effectively that first time. I covered his hand with mine and dragged it up until the tips of his fingers were touching my breast. That vulnerable feeling washed over me again but I quickly found Edward's lips with mine, placing both hands on his lower back again and using the feel of his lips and his skin to keep my mind elsewhere. He groaned quietly and gently touched me through my shirt. I tried not to be too embarrassed by my body's reaction when he started softly massaging.

Very soon, our bodies began moving more frantically against each other, pushing and pulling ourselves closer. It felt really raw and primal and out of control and fucking terrifying but also freaking amazing. I wrapped my arms around him tightly, loving the hushed sounds he was making. I tried really hard not to think about the sounds _I_ must've been making. Well, that is until I heard a very familiar loud groan and he started pulling away. _What? Where on earth is he going?_ I tightened my grip in objection but he broke away easily and rolled off me to lie on his back next to me.

"Bella, if we're going to stop," he panted, "we have to stop right now." His eyes were shut tightly, his lips still parted and his chest moving up and down harshly with his heavy breathing, as he tried to calm himself down.

Stop? I mulled the word over in my brain, trying to think clearly enough for it to register properly.

_Stop? No, I don't think so._

I turned my body towards him, lying on my side, and touched his ribs lightly, rubbing the smooth skin there with my thumb.

He opened his eyes and looked at me pointedly, warning me, but I kissed him anyway. I knew there was no way I could ask him to stop now. We'd already passed the point of no return. I wanted to take care of him, not cause him pain and discomfort. And you know what? I didn't want to stop. And I was 99% sure he didn't either. He was just giving me the option like he always did.

He exhaled shakily, turning his face towards me again to continue our kissing, resigned I guess and willing to let me do whatever I was planning on doing.

What was I planning on doing? Oh boy. Maybe if I'd known all this was going to happen today and I was going to completely lose my mind and end up attempting this, I could've worked up the courage to look it up on one of those "how to" websites. You know, prepare, do a little research. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case and I was on my own.

I kissed along his jaw and down to his neck, where I promptly hid my face as my hand started wandering lower. I kept rubbing my hand up and down his chest, a little bit lower each time… lower, lower, until I felt the material of his boxers and then *gulp* … then err… mini-Edward.

_Shit. Shit. Shit._ _What now genius? You have no fucking clue what you're doing. But go ahead and continue. I'm sure it'll be a funny anecdote he can tell at parties one day._

My heart fell as I realized that my hand hadn't moved for a few rather long, rather embarrassing moments. Edward had snaked one of his arms under and around my neck and was running his hand over my hair soothingly.

_Ok, don't panic. Maybe you should err… you know… remove his boxers?_

I tugged his boxers down on one side. I'm pretty sure Edward helped me take them off with his free hand but I wasn't exactly looking. I kept my face in the crook of his neck, kissing his skin there and trying just to focus on that.

_Dear God, please don't let me screw this up. Please._

When his boxers were gone, I looked down enough to wrap my hand around him lightly before returning to my hiding place.

_Shit. Shit. Shit._

I had absolutely no idea what to do. Well I knew what to do… even _I_ knew the basic gist of how this was usually done… but knowing what you're supposed to do and actually doing it are two very different things. _God, what if I can't make him come? Isn't that, you know, kind of important?_

I moved my hand up slowly, barely touching him at all. _Fuck._ The earlier haze, that good, almost confident feeling I'd had before when things were going well for us completely vanished and all that was left was cold, harsh, sobering reality. The reality was that this was already a total disaster. It was awkward and uncomfortable and fucking humiliating.

_Have you completely lost your puny little mind, you moron? This is fucking stupid. You can't do this._ I felt like a total idiot. An inexperienced, naïve idiot who couldn't give her boyfriend any of the things he needed. I just wanted to run into my bathroom, lock my door and cry myself into oblivion.

I think deep down, I was delusional enough to believe that I'd just magically know how to make this good. I had this elaborate fantasy of how all this was going to happen. Somehow, even though I had zero experience and even less confidence, I imagined touching him boldly, teasing him, driving him crazy. Maybe he would groan loudly, even moan my name a little and it would be one of the best sexual experiences of his life.

_Yeah, right_. _Because that's how real life works, isn't it? _

Instead, this was rapidly becoming the most humiliating moment of my miserable existence.

Edward was still running his fingers over my hair and back soothingly and I tried to take comfort in the fact that he hadn't pushed me away or laughed at me yet.

_No, don't do this, Bella. Not that much time has passed. It just feels like fucking forever. It's not too late yet._

_Ok, keep trying. _

I started kissing and licking at his neck once more, determined to try again. I tightened my grip infinitesimally, touching him a little more this time and trying to get some kind of rhythm going so I could try to think about something else. It surprised me how he felt. It felt both softer and harder than I thought it would. I mean obviously it was hard, but his skin felt soft at the same time and moved more easily than I anticipated, even under my barely-there touch.

I wouldn't have called this a success by any means, but I think I was doing slightly better now. I still couldn't look at what my hand was doing and I certainly couldn't bring myself to look at Edward's face. I kept my face firmly hidden and just kept kissing his neck while I continued to touch him carefully. I thought I at least had a little bit of a rhythm now. I was even starting to feel slightly hopeful that the situation was salvageable when Edward's breathing quickened again and he started lifting his hips up a little with my hand.

_Ok, keep going. Maybe this will somehow turn out ok. _

"Bella, please," Edward breathed. I didn't know what he was asking me for. Maybe he wanted me to speed up. I did. I sucked on the spot below his ear with more vigour, still unsure what he wanted from me. Kissing his neck was something I'd at least done before. I thought I at least knew how to make that part feel good.

"Bella." He hooked his finger underneath my chin. _Christ. Does he seriously want me to look at him now? I can't. It's too embarrassing._

"Please, Bella."

I stopped what I was doing and moved my hand away to make it easier to work up the nerve to look at him.

My eyes met his reluctantly. He cupped my cheek, stroking it with his thumb. "It's just me, ok? Just you and me. Don't be scared. You won't hurt me."

"I don't – I… Edward, please, am I doing this right?"

"Yes," he said a little too quickly. "Just…" He hesitated and I could see the struggle in his eyes as he decided how honestly he was going to answer my question.

I could tell the moment he made up his mind. He kissed my forehead and sighed against my cheek.

"I'm crazy about you, Bella, you know that right?" He waited for my small nod before continuing. "And I think you might like me too," he teased, winking at me smugly. I smiled but rolled my eyes anyway. "It's just going to take us a little while to find out what we each like, ok? It doesn't always happen right away."

"So what do you… um… like?" I asked shyly. I hadn't forgotten that he was still completely naked and still… you know… excited.

He took my hand in his, placing a little kiss in the middle before licking my palm a few times. It felt a little weird but it wasn't exactly unpleasant. He brought my hand back down, wrapping it tightly around him and showing me how firmly to grip him. _Ok, note to self: not too lightly. _I watched as he began moving our hands together, trying to memorize what movements he liked.

It probably should've felt demeaning that my boyfriend had to freaking show me how to touch him, but it actually felt like this giant weight had been lifted off my shoulders. It was true that he had just basically confirmed that I wasn't doing it right, but the fact that he was honest with me just made me feel so much better. It felt like he had my back, like he'd tell me if something was off and we'd fix it together. I knew now that he wouldn't leave me to flounder on my own. It was kind of nice that we were figuring it out together.

I liked how his stomach muscles played, tensing a little. Unlike before, now I was watching our hands, trying to be a good student and everything, but when he started making delicious little sounds again I looked back up at his face. I don't know how I could've ever considered missing out on watching Edward's face twist in raw pleasure. His eyes were heavy, eyebrows lightly furrowed, his hair a little damp and sticking to his forehead, his lips parted as he breathed harshly. He was so… beautiful. There was no other word for it. Suddenly everything fell away except the overwhelming desire to please him. All I wanted to do was make him feel as good as possible. It helped me push back all my issues a little, enough to enjoy myself. And I was enjoying myself now. It was actually kind of exciting, touching him, watching his eyes roll back a little, listening to him hiss with pleasure. The best part was that he was completely uninhibited, free and unashamed, just enjoying the moment. It was doing all sorts of things to my own body.

I kissed him desperately, reverently, anywhere and everywhere I could reach. His hand left mine to wander up and down my side, before settling on my breast again. I tried to mimic what he'd showed me by myself as best I could. At least this time I was enthusiastic.

His hips moved with my hand urgently, his hands roaming my body more frantically now, pulling me into his side. I sped up my hand to match his desperation. I could feel him panting into my neck.

And then it happened.

His entire body suddenly went rigid for half a second and his hand dug into my skin, tightening around me, as he shuddered against me and moaned into my neck. For a moment I panicked that I might have done something wrong but I felt the evidence to the contrary spurt out on my hand and his stomach. I surprised myself when I realized that I wasn't at all disgusted by it. It was kind of… hot. After a few moments, his hand covered mine again, slowing down my movements, as he continued to nuzzle my neck.

I let go of him and wrapped my arm around his middle, caressing his skin lightly while he recovered. _God, he's so wonderful_. I just felt so indescribably happy that I could give him this, that I had made him feel good. To be honest, the whole thing was also a little fascinating … you know, from a purely scientific point of view. I'd never really seen the, err… process.

I wasn't sure how many moments went by before his head left the crook of my neck. My heart swelled when the first thing he did was kiss me lazily. I loved that he was still kissing me even though he'd obviously err… finished.

Well, until I realized what he was planning on doing. He cleaned my hand and himself up with some tissues from my bedside table, then turned fully to me and began kissing me again. His hand trailed down my side, to my stomach and then – Oh shit. He wouldn't, would he? Was he really planning on… you know… returning the favor?

The closer his hand got to my panties, the more I realized I wasn't ready for… that. Watching Edward let go in front of me was glorious, a gift and a really big fucking deal. I wasn't quite ready to reciprocate, to let him see me lose all control like that. It was way too much for me tonight.

I grabbed his hand to stop him, hoping that he'd understand that it was just too soon. "Edward," I pleaded, staring at him with fearful eyes. _I can't. Not yet._

He nodded and kissed me again, moving his hand safely back up to my waist. I just enjoyed the feel of his body next to mine for a few minutes until I started getting uncomfortable. I wondered how long I had to wait before I could politely excuse myself to go to the bathroom. Why does no one ever tell you how messy all this stuff can be? I hadn't… you know… had a happy ending of my own… but I'd definitely err… enjoyed myself tonight, especially at the end. Would he notice if I changed my panties? Even after everything I'd seen and we'd done, it still made me feel ridiculously embarrassed.

I kissed his chest one last time before attempting to disentangle myself. "I'm, err… just going to go to…um… the bathroom quickly… to, err…" _Oh god. What am I supposed to say? Why couldn't we just skip this part?_

"Ok. No problem." He agreed quickly and I got up, absurdly grateful that he hadn't made me spell it out. I didn't look back at him when I stopped to get another pair of panties from my drawer though. I grabbed the first pair I saw, my cheeks a deep red when I finally made it into the bathroom.

I cleaned myself up quickly and changed. Maybe I could start keeping some spare underwear in here or something. When I came out, Edward was getting into bed again. It made me feel a little better that he was wearing a new pair of boxers himself. I climbed in next to him and he pulled the covers over us.

It had been a long, weird day, a jumble of highs and lows, stops and starts. All's well that ends well, though, right? And today certainly ended well. I fell asleep, cuddled up to my hopefully blissed-out boyfriend, my best friend.

_Maybe this relationship stuff really is possible._

**

* * *

A/N: I'm sorry I've been so bad at updating lately. If you're still reading, I hope you liked this chapter.**

**Many, many thanks to my wonderful beta, thequietlife, Irritable Grizzzly and those of you who have reviewed my little fic. :)**


	20. And so it began

**Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**

* * *

I woke up the next morning in an unusually good mood. Everything looked bright and shiny and possible this morning. I hadn't felt this hopeful in a long time.

I peeked at Edward's face impatiently. _Would it be really horrible of me if I woke him up? _I really wanted to kiss him again. _Plus if mini-Edward is awake, I can actually do something about it this time. Can._ I really liked that word. _I can do it if I want to._

I decided against waking him, so I got out of bed and started creeping towards the bathroom as quietly as I could. My plan was to brush my teeth and get back into bed so I could kiss him worry-free as soon as he was conscious enough for it not to be creepy.

I guess I must've made too much noise.

"Bella, if I'm going to sleep over on any kind of regular basis, we're going to have to agree on some ground-rules," Edward grumbled, his face still half buried in the pillow.

"Such as?"

"No getting out of bed before 10a.m. when we don't have class."

"It's 10:30."

"Whatever. Get back here."

_With pleasure._ I made my way back to bed and crawled in next to him. He put his arm around my waist, moving me closer to his chest and tangling his legs with mine.

I couldn't help myself. There was no way I could go back to sleep now. He had teased me relentlessly, right? It was payback time for last night.

"Edward?" I whispered, feeling really fucking mischievous.

"Hmm." All I got was a non-committal grunt.

"Edward, are you asleep?" I tried again, grinning and poking his shoulder playfully.

He blindly tried to swat my hand away.

"How about now?" I poked him lightly in the ribs this time.

"I swear to God, if you do that one more time –" I poked him in the ribs again before he could finish his sentence.

"Oh that's it." He tightened his grip around my waist and began tickling my sides without mercy. "Say you're sorry."

I laughed so hard my stomach hurt and my eyes filled with tears. Something else I hadn't done in a long time.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry," I managed to say in between desperate gasps for air. "Stop, please."

His fingers finally ceased their torment and he shifted, settling comfortably on top of me and smiling down at me. I couldn't help but smile back.

"I love it when you're like this."

"Like what?"

"Happy." He kissed the corner of my smile. "Smiling. Laughing," he mumbled, starting a trail of kisses up one side of my neck. "Half-naked and in bed," he whispered in my ear.

I bit my lip, replaying last night in my head, as he moved to start kissing up the other side of my neck. _Is it too early for a repeat performance?_

"Shit." He stopped abruptly and angled my face away from him so he could better inspect my neck.

"What's wrong?"

"Um… I may have gotten a little carried away last night. Does this hurt?" he asked, touching a spot on my neck carefully.

"No. Well, yeah, maybe a little. Edward, what-"

"You've got a hickey."

_I've got a what?! _

I pushed on his shoulders until he let me up and I went to check the extent of the damage in the bathroom mirror. Sure enough, there it was. A small but undeniably visible purplish mark on the side of my neck.

_Fuck._ How could I let this happen?

"I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking clearly." Edward followed me, tentatively wrapping his arms around my waist from behind and leaning his chin on my shoulder. "Are you mad?"

I shook my head dumbly, still in shock.

"It will fade in a few days."

_Days? As in plural? How many days? Fuck. _

"I didn't mean to do it, but I… actually, I kind of like it. It's a little sign that says 'Edward was here,'" he mumbled coyly, holding my troubled eyes in the mirror and gently fingering the purple mark.

Huh. When he said it like that, it didn't seem so bad… it was a little connection between the two of us… but wait, no.

"Bella, please, what are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking classes start soon. I'm thinking everyone's going to see it. My professors, everyone. God, you don't think they'll picture it do you? How I got it? Everyone's going to know that you and I… that we do stuff. And no one's going to believe that you'd actually… with me… Shit." I couldn't stop looking at the damn thing. It was like a plane crash or something. "Does it look really trashy? Everyone's going to think I'm a slut."

"No one's going to think that. Don't say that word. We're in a relationship – we can do whatever we want," he began, rubbing my arm soothingly. "And even if they do disapprove… well, so what? Do you really care what some random people think about something that's none of their business anyway?"

"No." I knew that was the right answer and I almost meant it, "But what about my professors? I care what they think."

"We don't have any one-on-one tutorials next week, just lectures. We'll sit towards the back for a few days and they won't even notice. It's going to be fine."

"Yeah… ok." I wasn't fully convinced yet, but my panic was already fading. I knew he was right and I was overreacting. I just had to keep reminding myself to think of it as a little memento from last night. Last night was one of the best nights of my life. I wasn't going to let a stupid hickey ruin it for me. I gave Edward a small smile in the mirror and put my hands over his on my waist.

"Bella, I'm sorry I got carried away, but maybe… maybe this a good thing. An opportunity."

"An opportunity to do what?"

"To face your fears. We can't get rid of it and we can try to hide it, but… maybe it's better not to. This way you can see for yourself that it's not as bad as you think," he suggested cautiously. "But only if this is what you want, ok? If it's not, that's fine too. I'll help you hide it. It's not too bad; with a little makeup it probably won't be that noticeable."

"I'm not going to hide it." He was right. This was a good thing. It was easy to see that now that I'd calmed down a little and was safely wrapped up in Edward's arms. "It's what I want." I made my decision quickly since, after all, I'd really made it months ago when I first started trying with Edward. "You might have to remind me that it's what I want from time to time, though," I whispered, squeezing his hand, our eyes locked in the mirror.

"I will. Whenever you need me, I'll be there, I promise. We can do this."

And so it began.

We started out with little things. Going out in public with the hickey clearly visible on my neck was the first in a long string of "opportunities," chances for me to grow and improve. Sometimes I managed it on the first try, but more often than not, it took some time before I mastered whatever obstacle Edward or I had come up with. It wasn't exactly a pleasant method. I guess the idea was gradual desensitization – getting used to it slowly, confronting my fears and discussing them with Edward to see that my assumptions were false. It basically involved me deliberately putting myself in uncomfortable, scary-as-hell situations. No, sorry - I meant taking advantage of these "opportunities." That's what Edward called them; that's how I was supposed to think of them. You know, positive thinking and all that. And I guess I did… when things worked out, anyway.

It wasn't easy though. The day we walked to our first lecture of the semester with Mike, I narrowly avoided another freak-out when I saw him eyeing my hickey. I knew for sure now that, at one time, he had disapproved of our relationship… so how the fuck was I supposed to react? I didn't know how to act around him anymore. _Should I just ignore him? Or confront him? Or politely ask him exactly what it is about me that he hates so I can obsess over it some more?_ In the end, I got through it by clutching Edward's hand and repeating his words in my head.

_He said it's all bullshit. That he doesn't know what he's talking about, that he doesn't know us. Edward doesn't agree with him, so why is his opinion important?_

I guess if I begged Edward, he'd probably give in and tell me exactly what Mike said, but the truth was that it really didn't matter. Mike's opinion wasn't important. I was starting to understand that. The best thing I could do was forget about it. If he said something else or confronted me, I'd deal with that when it happened. Until then I talked to him every now and again like nothing had didn't matter. I stopped letting it drive me crazy. I _genuinely_ let it go and I was pretty fucking proud of myself.

I started writing even more in my journal and discussed my thoughts with Edward at length. At the same time, classes began again and I also made a start on Banner's extra reading list. It was difficult – much harder than my usual class work – but I was on a mission. I was determined to read every single article on that list. My professor trusted me to do the extra work and I wasn't going to let him down. School had always been the most important thing in my life, the only thing I was ever any good at, and I wasn't going to let myself down. When Edward was busy, or hanging out with Mike and his other friends, I spent every spare moment I had in the library. I don't think I had ever worked so hard academically. It was exhausting. With the added stress of all those "opportunities," some days it was all I could do to just drag myself into bed before I passed out.

It wasn't easy, but I usually had Edward with me to help talk me through it. Often he'd declare that we were taking the day off and he even gave me veto power, a card I could play if I'd reached my limit for the day. I tried hard not to use it, though, unless I really fucking needed to. Maybe I didn't have all that much experience dealing with people, but I'd figured out how all this shit worked a long time ago. People were generally sympathetic to your issues as long as you didn't take too long to get over them. Once you exceed your allotted time slot, their patience ran out pretty fucking quickly. Edward was more patient with me than anyone – he was practically a saint – but surely he had a limit too, and sooner or later, I'd hit it. The hardest part of all this was trying not to think about that inevitable moment when he'd get sick of waiting. Some nights I'd wake up and lie there in the dark, listening to Edward's quiet breathing beside me. It was beyond terrifying how quickly I'd become so dependent on him, how quickly 'I' had turned into 'we.' I tried really hard to just live in the present and not think about the future.

Apart from those moments when I was so scared of losing Edward, I felt like I would choke on my fear, life was actually really good. The desensitization stuff was difficult and exhausting, but at least I was finally doing something. And I wasn't doing it alone. I had Edward with me, for now anyway.

I had Edward and I had hope. What more could a girl ask for?

It wasn't easy, but there were definitely some fun times too. I did get a little kick out of seeing an irritated Lauren staring at my hickey when Edward and I walked past her, hand in hand. More importantly, I could see the results whenever I overcame another little hurdle. I guess it really wasn't any different from what I'd been doing with Edward ever since that first day in the library. One step at a time and all that. We were just being a little more pro-active now in seeking out these "opportunities."

Right now, we were in a fancy restaurant and Edward was trying to help me talk myself into sending back my food. I'd ordered mushroom ravioli, but our waiter, a pompous prick with a fake French accent, brought me this foreign green sludge instead.

"Eez zere anything else I can get for you, mademoiselle?"

"Um, actually…" My body stiffened defensively, but then Edward squeezed my knee under the table and I relaxed infinitesimally. _Come on, say it, say it_. _It's his own fucking fault for making such a stupid mistake. Say it._ "No, thank you." _Damn it._

I watched the waiter walk away, frustrated that I'd failed.

"Sorry."

"It's okay. How many times do I have to tell you that you've got nothing to apologize for?" Edward took my hand in his and I gratefully rested my head on his shoulder.

"Bella?"

"Hmm?"

"What does it feel like?"

He had started asking me more and more questions lately and I did my best to answer. I guess it was important that he understood what it was like. I'd already written about this in my journal so it was actually a little easier to tell him.

"It's really hard to think straight. It feels like someone's put your whole body on pause while everything around you swirls by at double-speed. It's like your brain just can't function properly, like you can't think or focus on anything until whatever it is that's scaring you goes away. All you can think, all you can see is whatever is scaring the shit out of you. There's nothing else."

"I hate this. I really hate this," he mumbled to himself. "But you're doing great. I'm so proud of you." He put his arm around me and kissed my temple. I immediately felt better. Somehow he always knew how to make me feel hopeful again. "The waiter's coming back – do you want to try again?"

"Yeah, ok," I agreed reluctantly.

"How about I give you a little more incentive this time? A bribe maybe?"

"What did you have in mind?" I asked curiously, chuckling at the mischievous look on his face.

"You can pick what we watch tonight."

"Really? Even –"

"Even The West Wing, yes. But only a few episodes. I can't stomach any more of that crap in one sitting. Waiter's coming back, deal or no deal?"

"Deal."

I'm happy to report that I got my mushroom ravioli _and_ we watched three episodes of The West Wing that night. Edward was very well-behaved for the most part, only grumbling towards the end.

"I don't get why you like this show so much, Bella. You know almost nothing about politics, and have no desire to learn."

"I don't know why I like it, I just do. Now shut up, there's still ten minutes left." I snuggled further into his chest, enjoying my reward. Edward hated this show for some reason and always refused to watch it with me, so I couldn't help but feel a little bit smug. It took me some time to feel comfortable admitting that I liked something that Edward didn't, but we had been friends long enough for me to realise that we weren't always going to agree. It had been a little disappointing at first, but now I kind of liked that fact. It seemed wonderfully normal to be bickering with my boyfriend over what movie we were going to watch or where we were going to eat. I imagined that we almost looked like a regular couple in those moments… Just like those couples on TV.

Of course, on our next movie night Edward retaliated by making me watch Goodfellas. Fucking again. I'd lost count of how many times we'd watched that movie at Edward's request.

I kissed him as soon as the credits started rolling, just in case he was feeling mean tonight and planning on making me sit through The Godfather next.

It didn't take long before we both started getting carried away; Edward pressing his hips into me insistently, my fingers slipping underneath his shirt to clutch the bare skin of his back.

I could feel mini-Edward on the inside of my thigh. _Hmmm…Maybe I should err… say hello?_

I think I was actually getting a lot better at this. The second time, I did it on my own, without Edward's help. By the third time, I'd worked up the courage to look it up on the internet. I had no idea there were that many websites devoted to this particular subject. I tried to stick to the more err… educational sites, not wanting to stumble across any information or images that would get stuck in my head and do more harm than good. There was this one site which listed all these different techniques. They even had different little names for each one and short instructional videos. Not with the real thing, thank God. The last thing I wanted to see was some other guy's junk. I'd seen pictures of that particular body part before, of course, but it had never seemed all that attractive-looking to me. My opinion changed dramatically the night I saw Edward. Not that he looked all that different, it was just… well, you know… _Edward._ I guess it was just different when feelings got involved.

I'd felt like a total pervert reading up on this stuff, but it made me feel better to know a bit more. Plus, it was fun trying out some of the things I learned, mainly because of Edward's attitude – he made the whole thing seem like something we could have fun learning about together and not a test that I had to pass for the relationship to continue. There were even some techniques that he hadn't tried before and now liked quite a lot. Anything he liked, I loved. Knowing that I was making him feel good (and I don't just mean physically) was the best feeling in the world.

My fingers were inching towards his jeans when his phone rang. _Ugh._ "Real life's calling." We both knew it was probably Esme again.

Edward hesitated, but then resumed kissing me. "I don't want to answer. Let's just ignore it."

"Edward, mmmm… you have to answer." We'd had this same conversation every time his phone rang. Esme didn't call all the time, but she called enough to make Edward dread hearing his ring tone. He knew that she didn't have anyone else to confide in right now, not having told anyone but Edward, so I always gently pushed him to answer the phone, knowing how guilty he would feel if he deliberately ignored her.

He rolled off me and straightened out his shirt. He always made sure to put his shirt back on before he answered. I'd asked him why once, thinking that he was stalling, and he'd said that he just couldn't talk to his mother in only his boxers. It seemed pretty sensible to me.

"How do I politely tell her that I've changed my mind? That I made a stupid fucking mistake and I don't want to listen to her airing my dad's dirty laundry anymore?"

I handed him his phone and wrapped my arms around him, kissing his shoulder. I had suggested that he encourage Esme to talk to Carlisle and he'd tried, but it seemed like the two were barely speaking at the moment. "I don't know. I don't think you can say that to her right now." I reached up to kiss his cheek, wishing I knew what else to say.

"Yeah, I know."

"Do you want to watch The Godfather after this?"

He smiled quietly and turned to kiss me. It would probably sound weird to other people but our movie choices were symbolic. Watching The Godfather tonight would mean that the night belonged solely to Edward.

I would ask him if he wanted to talk when he was done with his call, like I always did, but I got up now to give him some privacy.

"No. Stay." He grabbed my arm and pulled me back down to sit next to him, my hand settling into its usual spot on his knee.

"Hello," he finally answered reluctantly. "Oh, hey, man." His serious tone instantly disappeared. "It's Jasper," he whispered to me. I leaned my head on his shoulder and listened to his side of the conversation until he hung up a few minutes later and turned to me. Why did he suddenly look so nervous?

"So that was Jasper," he told me again.

"Um. Good."

"Yeah, it is. He and Alice want to go check out this new restaurant that Alice has been obsessing over and err… we're invited too."

"We?"

"You and me, yes."

Huh. Dinner with Edward's brother and his girlfriend. Huh.

"So what do you think? Do you maybe want to go?" he asked, eyeing me hopefully.

"When?"

I don't know why I even asked. It's not like I had any extra-curricular activities or other plans that could conveniently get in the way.

"Friday night."

Two days from now. Two whole days to stress over this. _Great._

"Ok. Sure. Sounds like fun." He just looked so hopeful and I hated disappointing him. Plus, I guess it was a really good "opportunity." _Ugh. Fucking fantastic. It might be nice to meet his brother though… _I knew they were really close. _And isn't that a legitimate strategy in battle? Divide and conquer._ Maybe meeting a few of his family members separately would help make the idea less daunting. Jasper sounded like the least intimidating member of his family, so this was probably a good place to start.

Edward didn't need to talk tonight and I was desperate for a distraction from what I'd just agreed to. It didn't take us long to get back on track with what we'd started before Edward's phone rang and I eagerly put all my new, err… skills to good use.

His fingers inched closer to my underwear as soon as he was all cleaned up.

_Ugh. _I really wished he wouldn't. I'd finally managed to talk myself into letting him touch me over my underwear but it didn't feel all that good. It did feel good, great even, but, err… nothing _more_ happened. I felt so guilty, like I was letting him down because I, err… couldn't.

Edward's theory was that I was thinking too much about it, worrying too much. My theory was that I was just a freak and this was yet more evidence that I was incapable of having a normal reaction to anything.

_Fuck._ And now here I was, doing the exact same thing yet again. I was already getting upset and he hadn't even touched me yet.

He stopped and scooped me up into his arms. "Hey, it's ok," he whispered, smoothing back my hair.

"I'm sorry. This is taking too long, isn't it?" God, why couldn't I be fucking normal for ten minutes? Did everything really have to be so freaking difficult? It was always just one thing after another with me.

"Bella, do you know how long it took me the first time someone touched me?" I shook my head, mildly curious now. "Probably about 15 seconds. If not less. It was really embarrassing actually." He grimaced and shook his head. "This stuff just takes a little time and practice. Please don't blame yourself. And you're having fun practicing with me, right?" he added almost shyly, as an afterthought.

I nodded because I was having fun, but my mind was elsewhere.

"Edward, may I ask you something?" I began guardedly.

"Of course."

"Exactly how much, err… practice have you had?"

He turned away and ran his hand through his hair, laughing to himself. I got the feeling he wasn't comfortable with this line of questioning.

"Sorry. We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

"No, it's fine. We said we were going to be honest and I can do that. What do you want to know?"

"How many girls have you been with?" I asked quietly, staring at my duvet cover.

"Are you asking me how many girls I've slept with or how many relationships I've had?"

_Neither! Abort! Abort! You're a fucking idiot. You don't want to know any of this. It's just going to eat at you from the inside._

"Both."

"Um, ok." He exhaled loudly and scraped his hand through his hair again. I think this was probably the most nervous I'd ever seen him. It was making me really anxious. I already knew he was more experienced than I was – who wasn't? – but was his number really that high? "I've had five relationships, although I don't think the last one should count since it was such a joke, so let's call it four and a half."

"Were the other four serious?" I asked, horrified. Five girls to compete with?! _Christ. Well, ok, four and a half… but still… How on earth am I ever going to measure up?_

"Only the second one in high school was sort of serious. The rest… they weren't casual but they weren't serious either. I think four is a modest number given my age," he added a little defensively.

"Did you love her, the girl in the serious relationship?"

_For fuck's sake, Bella, shut up! Why are you torturing yourself?? _

"I… I wasn't really sure at the time. I was only 16. I thought maybe I could one day, but I didn't really know."

"Why did it end?"

"We grew up, grew apart, and decided we were better off as just friends."

"Did you sleep with her?"

"Yes. She was my first, actually. And to answer the other part of your question, I've slept with four girls. Um," he swallowed nervously. "One of them wasn't my girlfriend at the time. We were both single but we just kind of rushed into it before we'd gotten to know each other. I do regret that actually. I was an idiot."

"Last question, I promise. Was… Was Lauren one of those four girls?"

They did know each other… What if he actually… I couldn't even finish that thought. _Well, what if he did? Would you like him any less? Would it cancel out everything he's done for you these last few months? _

_No, it wouldn't. _I knew it wouldn't… but it would still really suck.

"Lauren?" he scoffed. "No, of course not. I only know her because she follows Mike and his girlfriend around everywhere. We're not even friends."

I'd already decided that it wouldn't matter, but I was a little relieved anyway. Okay, a lot.

"You can ask more questions if you want. I won't pretend I like it, but I'll answer."

"No, I think I know enough," I muttered grimly, going back to looking at my duvet cover again.

"Enough…" He let the word roll around conspicuously in the air between us. "Is my history going to be a problem for us?"

_Only for my fragile ego._ Although how much more damage could really be done? My little self-worth cup was already empty.

"Bella? Is this a problem?" he asked again when I didn't answer right away.

"No. I already knew you were more experienced than I was. I'm just going to need a little time to get used to everything." _A lot of time._ I shouldn't have asked. I was much happier when I didn't know any of the specifics.

"Do I need to get used to anything? What are your numbers?" he asked, placing his hand tentatively on top of mine.

He didn't sound particularly worried and, after all, why should he be? Everyone on the planet knew the answer.

"Zero and zero," I admitted quietly. There was no point in hiding it. It was beyond obvious that I was a virgin. "Well, actually, I guess I technically had a boyfriend for a few weeks in high school, but it was a joke too. He kissed me on the cheek and I ran away from him a few times. So maybe like an eighteenth of a relationship?" I suggested hopefully.

"Which cheek?" he asked, frowning and shifting me closer to him. He looked way too serious and I couldn't help myself. I started laughing like a lunatic.

"Are you kidding? How can you be jealous? You're not the one competing with five other girls for your attention."

"Bella, love, there's no competition. You've already got my attention, okay? You've already got a lot more than that. " He rubbed my cheek with his thumb, staring fiercely into my eyes. "Please don't let this get to you. If you want to ask more questions, we can talk about it more whenever you want. Ask me how many girls know me like you do. Ask me how many of my girlfriends were also my best friend. Because the answer is just you, okay?"

I nodded and moved even closer to him. Things hadn't really changed. I knew he wasn't a virgin. I knew he hadn't spent all his time pining for me, dreaming of the day he'd randomly stumble into the library at the right time and meet me. When I wasn't letting my silly jealousy get to me, I also knew that there was nothing I wanted to be more than his best friend. That's how all this had started and I hoped, no matter what happened between us romantically, it would be how all this would end as well.

I turned my head, my lips searching for his. We kissed over and over again until the stress of the day started catching up to me and I started getting a little groggy. We got under the covers again, Edward kissing both my cheeks a little too meticulously before he turned off the light.

"Edward…" I began quietly, trailing my fingertips along his neck. "May I give you a hickey?" I asked in a tiny voice. "I'm feeling a little territorial tonight. I want a sign that says 'Bella was here.'"

He laughed but tilted his neck back to make it easier for me. "Go ahead."

I kissed his neck softly before I started to suck on his skin. Maybe it was stupid – okay it was definitely stupid – but the miniature purple mark made me feel a little better. Well, that and the fact that he was in _my_ bed.

**

* * *

A/N: Edward will attempt to "reciprocate" properly next chapter. Then we'll meet Alice and Jasper and the pace will pick up a little.**

**Thequietlife, Irritable Grizzzly, those of you who reviewed…. You guys are so wonderful. I don't know how to thank you properly. :)**


	21. Trust me and Let go

**Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**

**WARNING: ANOTHER M RATED CHAPTER.**** My offer to summarise the important parts for anyone who started reading when the story was rated T and wants to skip these bits is still on the table. Just let me know.**

**Last chapter: Bella let Edward touch her over her underwear. It felt good but nothing "more" happened. Edward's theory is that she was thinking too much and putting too much pressure on herself. Bella feels guilty about it, like she's letting Edward down, like there's something wrong with her.**

* * *

_Why am I such an idiot? Fuck._

I flipped back to the first page and started reading the article again. I'd lost count of how many times I'd tried to make sense of it. It may as well have been in Latin.

_I knew it. Banner got it wrong. You're not smart enough for this._

The harder I tried to understand it, the more frustrated I became with myself. It had been one of the worst days I'd had in a while. Edward had some kind of extra-curricular function to go to tonight, so apart from a rushed goodbye, I hadn't seen him at all today. That alone had been enough to make me cranky.

I'd spent most of the morning obsessing over the imminent double date with Edward's brother. I'd tried to get some more information out of Edward about Jasper, specifically what he was interested in and what kind of history he had studied, so I could prepare a little, but it hadn't worked.

"I'm not telling you." Edward had immediately shut me down, even though I'd asked as casually as I could when he'd stopped by to say goodbye after class.

"Why not?" I'd tried to ask innocently, despite his narrowed eyes.

"Because I know you. If I tell you, you'll spend all day reading some boring history book in the library and you'll psych yourself out even more. Just try not to worry and be yourself Friday night."

_That's the worst advice I've ever heard. Be myself?_ _Yeah, right._

"I've got to go now. I'll see you tomorrow morning." He'd kissed me a little more passionately than appropriate in public, but it's not like I tried to stop him. Then he walked away leaving me on my own for the whole day.

I had tried to be productive, to take advantage of another stupid "opportunity" by myself, but I'd failed miserably. Three failures had been enough to send me crawling to the library with my tail between my legs. And now I'd just wasted an entire evening trying to understand one stupid article. It was just one of those days when you feel as if life is trying to squish you like a bug and you wish that it would hurry the fuck up and just finish the job already.

_I suck. This sucks. My life sucks._

I considered calling it a night and just going back to my room to hide underneath my covers, but I didn't want this whole day to be a disaster. The only thing waiting for me was a cold, empty bed anyway.

I was dangerously close to bursting into futile tears when Edward's loud voice startled the muted library air.

"There you are. Why aren't you answering your phone?"

"Sorry, it was on silent." I dug my phone out from underneath a stack of papers to see that I had several missed calls from Edward. "I thought you had something tonight."

"It finished early. I went to your room but you weren't there and you weren't answering… You kind of scared me a little. Have you been in here all day?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry. Banner's stupid list is driving me crazy." Wait – Edward, my study partner – was here. Perfect. Maybe this god-awful day could be salvaged after all. "Hey, can you read this and explain it to me? Please. I don't understand any of it."

"We'll sort it out tomorrow. Did you even eat?"

"Just this paragraph then, please Edward?" I pleaded, ignoring his question and holding the open book out to him. He took it from me, closed it and put it back down on the table.

"You have to eat and you have to take regular breaks, Bella. You're working too hard. You're going to burn yourself out," he reprimanded as he started packing up my stuff. "Let's take the rest of the night off."

"I've got too much to do. I can't tonight," I said, trying to find the article again and save my books from Edward's quick hands.

"It will all still be here tomorrow. We'll work on it after class. Come on, let's go."

I gave in quickly and followed him out of the library and back to my dorm room in near silence. If he wasn't willing to help me, I wasn't going to make much progress on my own anyway. I really hated that fact. I felt like the day had defeated me and it was frustrating and humiliating and, worst of all, nothing new.

When we got back to my room, Edward insisted I take a hot shower to "relax." I didn't argue; I just did as he said.

The hot water poured down my back, but the constant pressure did little to soothe my nerves. Edward left me alone for one day and everything had crumbled. I'd ruined everything. I'd failed. And he'd shown up to rescue me, to bail me out yet again.

I got out of the shower and put on my pajama shirt mindlessly. I just wanted to go to sleep. Dreamless sleep, nothingness – for as many hours as possible.

I waited for Edward until he was ready for bed too. When he came out of the bathroom, he sat me down on the bed, swiping my hair to one side and massaging my shoulders.

"You're still really tense," he noted, disapproving.

"Well, I'm sorry but it's been a long day," I replied a bit defensively.

"Why? What happened?"

I looked down at my lap and confessed quietly, "I failed." I didn't need to say any more - he knew exactly what I was talking about. The fucking "opportunities."

"It's okay. You'll try again," he answered quickly, massaging my arms now.

It was what he always said.

"I don't want to try again. I'm tired."

"I wasn't talking about trying again tonight."

"Neither was I."

His fingers faltered for a split second and then resumed kneading my arms.

"I know you. You'll try again." He said it with such conviction that I almost believed him. I guess after a good night's sleep, I probably would believe him. Because I knew _Edward_ and I knew he wouldn't let me quit.

"I guess I'm just having a bad day," I exhaled shakily and let my head loll back against him.

"Then let me make it better," he whispered, kissing my neck lightly.

"How?" I asked, a little suspicious.

"This feels good, right?" he asked, pressing his hands into my shoulders with more pressure now.

"Yeah…"

"Okay. Lie on the bed, face down. I'm just going to put on some music."

I did as he asked, albeit a little uncertainly, fidgeting slightly while I watched him insert a memory stick into my laptop.

"Do you want 'Sounds of the Rainforest' or 'Babbling Brook'?"

_I can't believe he managed to ask me that with a straight face. _

"Neither if you want me to take this seriously." Whatever this is, anyway.

"Yeah, you're right. How about this?" He clicked once and the room was suddenly filled with the soft sound of a piano.

"Much better."

"Good." I nervously watched him strip down to his boxers (actually, that part I quite enjoyed) before climbing on to the edge of the bed.

"Edward, what-" I asked just as he started massaging my shoulders again.

"Shh. Just try to relax. Imagine somewhere safe. Go to your happy place."

I almost told him that if he'd only lie down and let me snuggle up to him, I wouldn't have to imagine it. Our little cocoon, safe and warm and worry-free; just us. That was my happy place.

"I want you to just focus on the sensations, okay? Not what's actually happening, just how it feels."

"Okay… I'll try…" I agreed reluctantly. This night was taking a weird turn.

I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on the feel of his hands as they ran over my back, firm but gentle.

_I wonder if he did this with his four and a half other girlfriends…_

_Nah. He probably didn't need to. I bet they were all gorgeous and perfect and normal. I bet they didn't need so much help._

_I wonder if I've actually met any of them… Walked past them? Will I be able to tell just by seeing them? Is there like an "I got dumped by Edward Cullen" vibe that you just can't shake? Will people be able to tell just by looking at me when it's my turn?_

"Bella, you're not relaxing."

"I am," I protested weakly.

"Don't even try it. I can feel how tense your body is."

"Sorry."

_Okay. Focus on the sensations._

Edward's hands trailed over my arms, giving me goose bumps, before returning to massaging my shoulders.

_How it feels. Okay. It feels nice. My shoulders were a little sore actually. It feels relaxing, soothing._

He started kneading the skin at the back of my neck. _Mmm… okay, that feels good._

I was starting to get into it, my body slowly thawing under Edward's tender touch, when his fingers slipped underneath my shirt to trace my bare skin.A little tentatively at first, but then with his usual easy confidence when I didn't object.

_How it feels. It feels good. Skin to skin. It feels raw and intense and intimate._

_I wonder how long he won't mind me leaving my shirt on… It's not really fair. He's completely naked most nights when we err… "do stuff", but I always keep my shirt on… I wonder if he thinks it's unfair… How much longer can I keep him waiting?_

"Bella," Edward's disapproving voice once again cut through my thoughts.

"Ugh. Sorry. It's not as easy as it sounds, you know."

"Try focusing on the music. Or maybe… actually, yeah. Let's try something else. I want you to tell me how it feels, okay?"

I tried to whip my head back so I could stare at him in shock. Was he asking me to… you know… _talk dirty_? I actually _whispered_ the last two words in my head. No way in hell could I do… that. I wouldn't know what to say. It would be beyond mortifying.

"Just describe how it feels, not what I'm actually doing. And if you get too uncomfortable, remember that you can veto at any time and I'll stop, no questions asked."

"Um… I don't know…" This didn't sound like such a good idea. My strategy was usually to say as little as possible… this wouldn't end well.

"Just try it. How does that feel?"

He had pushed my shirt up as far it would go so that my entire back was exposed. His palms pressed into the skin at my lower back, his thumbs rubbing soft semi-circles.

"Um… it feels err… warm? Your hands are warm," I mumbled stupidly. _Why does everything I say sound so idiotic?_

"Good. Keep going," he encouraged. "Don't think about it. Just say the first thing that comes to mind."

His fingertips traced a leisurely pattern down my sides. "This?"

"Soft?"

We carried on like this for a few minutes, Edward's hands almost never leaving my body. Kneading, gliding, manipulating my muscles, gentle but calculated, playing with my skin. He kept asking me how it felt and it definitely helped me rein in my thoughts and stay on track. I listed adjectives a little more certainly now. "Pleasant… light… tingly… lazy… shivery." That last one probably wasn't even a real word, but I was becoming less and less coherent, especially when I felt his lips at the back of my neck, his warm breaths caressing my skin. To my complete horror, even a few rather loud "mmmm" sounds escaped my lips despite my best efforts. I buried my face further into my pillow, desperate to stifle my mortifying sighs, but then Edward asked me how it felt again and I managed to refocus on giving him actual words.

I was starting to feel like a lazy cat, getting my tummy rubbed. I'd almost completely melted under his touch, slipping into a warm hazy trance, when I felt his hand ghost over my bottom and towards the inside of my thigh.

_So that's what this is all about. Returning the favor._

I flipped over abruptly, pulling down my shirt and shifting away from him.

"Bella-"

"No, Edward, don't. Please, not tonight. I really don't think I can take another failure tonight." I'd already failed at everything else today. Failing at this too would surely break me.

He sighed and moved to lie next to me, wrapping his arm around my waist and pulling me into him.

"You can't fail, Bella. It's not a test," he said, brushing my hair behind my ear and running his hand over my arm soothingly.

"You know what I mean," I mumbled quietly, looking anywhere but at Edward, embarrassed by my inadequacy.

_That I can't err… that nothing "more" will happen._

"Don't think about that. It still feels good, doesn't it? Just focus on how it feels."

He kissed my forehead and cradled the side of my face in his hand, nudging me to look at him again. "What are you worried about?"

"Um… Sounds and stuff," I whispered, blushing so furiously that I'd surely permanently stain my cheeks. What I sound like, what I feel like, what I look like… this list was endless.

He chuckled quietly. "You don't have to worry about that. Believe me."

_Yeah, right. He has to say that._ I was in the middle of an inward eye roll when Edward pressed himself against my leg.

"Really? From…?"

"From touching and listening to my half-naked girlfriend, yes. Are you really surprised? You've got the cutest little bottom," he informed me, smirking and palming said bottom lightly.

I wasn't sure if it was possible to blush harder. Christ. I hadn't even realized that my ass had been on display this whole time. And thank God that I hadn't. Ignorance really is bliss.

Did he really think it was cute though? It couldn't be, could it? Then again, mini-Edward wouldn't lie, right?

I didn't say anything. I didn't know how to reply to that. The only thing I could think of was _Yours is nice too…_ but I wasn't even going to attempt saying that out loud. I touched my lips to his instead.

We just kissed for a while, shifting closer and into each other, wrapping our arms around each other, connecting in whatever little ways we could, nothing but light touches and tender caresses. When he kissed me like that, embraced me like that, gentle but unrelenting… it was a little easier to feel desired, even desirable.

He started raining little insistent kisses all over my face and neck, his hand inching closer, and then cupping me lightly over my underwear.

He paused to look at me questioningly. _Is this ok? Do you want to try again?_

I bit my lip and nodded slightly. _Deep breath, Bella…I guess we're going to try again._ Edward wanted to… and it did feel good anyway, even though nothing more usually happened.

I exhaled and gave in with a kiss.

"Bella, keep focusing on how it feels, okay? Keep talking."

I shut my eyes tightly. _Okay, how it feels._

His hand started touching me between my legs, at first softly skimming then pressing and rubbing; his lips at my neck, licking and sucking and making everything warm and hazy again.

_Okay, it feels pleasant. Oh – especially there. It feels good. _

_I wonder what he's thinking… I wonder if maybe tonight… Will he be disappointed if it doesn't happen tonight? What if it never happens for me?_

"Bella, how it does it feel?" Edward breathed into my neck.

_Oh, right, how it feels._ "Um… nice?"

I shifted even closer to mini-Edward. It's funny… that used to scare the hell out of me. Now it was insanely reassuring, just knowing that he was in the moment with me.

His fingers slipped underneath my panties for the first time, exploring lightly. "This?"

"Err… new."

_Oh my god. This is really new. Was he planning this from the start?_

"Bella?"

They settled on a spot and began tracing soft circles.

"Oh…" Wow, okay. "A little weird but um… um… good."

New sensations were starting to build, more and more with each passing minute. Layer upon layer of good.

His lips at my neck became more frantic, jumping impatiently from spot to spot, first below my ear, then at my jaw, then my mouth.

"Really good," I panted, breathing heavily now, my heart racing, my body squirming beneath Edward's touch; toes curling, hips lifting, back arching. I felt like I was losing all control over my body… and my mouth. "Impatient." Impatient for more friction, more… something.

More and more, layer upon layer, higher and higher until I felt like I couldn't possibly take any more.

I wrapped my arms around Edward's neck, as tightly as I could, pulling him as close as possible, clinging to his shoulders with everything I had.

It was getting more intense by the second. Too much. Too intimate. Too high. Too far to fall. "Edward, it's too much," I whimpered. _I can't. I can't. Veto!_

"I've got you. Trust me and let go," he whispered in my ear.

My nails dug into his skin as everything came apart. Then I was floating, flying, my mind blissfully blank, far away in a place where doubt and fear didn't even exist. It was a wonderful place.

Reality wasn't so bad either. I came back down to Edward running his fingers through my hair affectionately, smiling at me. I felt suddenly exhausted but at peace. No, it was better than that… To lose myself, even for a moment, and then to find myself again in Edward's arms… to feel and not think… to know and not doubt… I just felt… content.

* * *

Later that night, when Edward and I crawled under the covers, both "content" and ready to go to sleep, Edward perhaps the tiniest bit smug, something occurred to me. He had asked me something just before… you know. He had asked me to trust him.

"I trust you," I whispered into the darkness.

It was easy to trust Edward. He'd already helped me achieve so much. I was a miserable failure without him. I had more than enough proof of that today. But with him… everything was just easier, better.

Trusting him was easy. Trusting myself however, trusting us to last … that was a different story.

* * *

**A/N: Sorry – no Jasper and Alice this chapter. I'm going away for a few days and I just wanted to post what was ready before I left.**

**As usual, thank you to thequietlife, Irritable Grizzzly and the lovely people who reviewed last chapter. :)**


	22. One out of Two

**Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer, not me.**

**Last chapter: Bella agreed to go on a double date with Edward's brother, Jasper, and his girlfriend, Alice. Here we go...**

**

* * *

**

"Edward, come on, please. Help me out a little."

It was Friday night and we were walking towards the restaurant where we were meeting Jasper and Alice. As usual, time had sped up exactly when I least wanted it to. Truly desperate and edgy with adrenaline, I was resorting to flat-out begging when my attempts at persuasion failed.

"Bella," Edward groaned (and not in a good way) - we'd had this conversation a few times already during the course of the day, "What do you want from me?"

"Inside information," I explained for the tenth time, pulling on his arm a little in the hopes of making him walk slower.

He rolled his eyes, but it looked like I'd finally managed to break him. "Okay, fine. American History."

"That's great, Edward. Can you be a little more vague please?" I scoffed.

"I don't know… the civil war? Or was it the cold war? I'm sorry, but I usually tune him out when he starts rambling about that shit. Wait, okay, I know he was definitely into that English guy with all the wives at one point because he used to collect these stupid coffee mugs with their faces on them."

"Henry VIII?"

"Yeah, sure," he agreed, waving his hand dismissively. "What difference does it make? You don't have enough time to do any research."

Unfortunately, that was indeed true. We'd probably reach the restaurant in a few minutes.

"I was thinking there might be time for a quick Wikipedia search on your iPhone."

"Maybe we should make little speech cards too?" he suggested sarcastically, making no effort to disguise how silly he thought this all was.

"Do you think that will work? How would I read them without people noticing?" I joked back with a straight face. Well, I was half-joking, anyway… Maybe he was on to something…

"Oh, Bella," he chuckled. "We're not going to talk about history, I promise. I don't even know any history. Just-"

"Don't tell me to be myself. Tell me something useful."

"Okay," he sighed. "What do you want to know?"

"What's Jasper like? What's he interested in?" I asked quickly, trying to take advantage of my sudden stroke of luck.

"Well, he's a bit like you actually. He's quiet and he's serious and thoughtful most of the time, but he's a lot of fun when he loosens up a little. Um… what else?" He ran his hand through his hair, trying to think of more as I waited eagerly. "He likes to read. He's into biographies and science-fiction and stuff with a military or psychological twist… and anything that involves strategy. He's very logical. How's that? Is that enough?"

"It's… something." Of course, it would've been worth a lot more if I'd had the time to research any of it. Had I ever even read a science-fiction book? _God, help me._

* * *

To my great annoyance, we reached the restaurant in good time and Edward ushered me inside.

"There they are. See?" he said, pointing to a blonde guy who was whispering to a spiky-haired girl sitting next to him. Before I could even realize that I was just staring at them, the guy lifted his head and met my eyes. It lasted only a moment but it was long enough for that on-display feeling to overpower me. I felt like he was scanning me or something and the urge to hide behind Edward was almost overwhelming.

_Oh nice going, Bella. Make yourself as panicked as possible, that's a great idea. God forbid you should give yourself a chance to be normal once in a while. You really are something. _

His eyes shifted to Edward and he got up, waving us over.

Edward informed the hostess that we already had a table and led us towards Jasper and Alice while I desperately tried to calm down - or at least better conceal my nerves.

_It's not going to be like every other time. This time it's going to be fun. _Maybe if I told myself that enough times, I'd eventually believe it.

"Hi guys." Edward embraced Jasper and then Alice while I stood there, feeling like an idiot and waiting to be introduced.

_Okay, here we go. Look alive, Bella. It's your turn._

"Bella, this is my brother Jasper and his better half, Alice. Guys, this is my girlfriend, Bella."

"Hi," I mumbled, giving them a small smile and sticking out my hand awkwardly. A god-awful split-second pause ensued before Jasper took my hand.

_Shit, am I not supposed to shake hands with them?_

_Of course not. You're not at a job interview, you loser. _

Actually, that was exactly what this felt like. And that's exactly what it was, wasn't it? This was about getting them to like me, seeing if they'd approve of me as Edward's girlfriend, right?

"Nice to meet you, Bella. Edward's told us a lot about you," Alice gushed, stealing my hand from Jasper's and shaking it a little too excitedly.

"He has?" _That can't be good, can it?_ "He's been annoyingly tight-lipped about the two of you, I'm afraid," I said, throwing Edward a dirty look. _Traitor._ Everybody knows that the first rule of war is that you must know thine enemy. And here Edward's been slipping secrets to the other side. If he really had told them about me then I was already at a huge disadvantage.

"Ashamed, Eddie?" chided Jasper. There was something about the way he was smirking at his little brother. It reminded me of the way Edward would always grin when he was teasing me. Huh. I guess it must be genetic.

"Of course," Edward grinned back and gestured for me to sit down in the booth first. I took my seat opposite Alice, who was squirming like a little kid as Edward slid in next to me.

It was that horrid stage in the evening – you know, just before the conversation starts. That horrible lag before the ice is broken when you're all just sort of looking at each other stupidly.

Of course, I wasn't looking at anyone. I was fidgeting with my napkin, concentrating on the trivial task as if it was of vital importance that it be arranged just so in my lap. I knew exactly what I was doing. The idea was that if I looked busy maybe no one would talk to me. I didn't want to admit it (even to myself), because I was supposed to be trying to be strong these days, a fighter, someone in control of herself and her surroundings, but really I was just sitting there, slightly hunched over, trying to be invisible, ignorable.

I knew exactly what I was doing. I was being my usual cowardly self. Beneath the surface, I was in full survival mode, making mental notes of all my possible escape routes and sizing up the new kids to determine who the biggest threat was.

Edward put his arm around me. He made it seem like a casual gesture of affection, but it made me wonder just how obvious my discomfort was to the rest of the table.

_Okay, Bella. Get it together._

I looked up, shifting closer to Edward.

_Okay, good. Now think of something to say. Um… errr…._

"This is nice. Jasper and I don't go out with other couples very often," Alice began. "Well, except for Rosalie and Emmett. The only problem is that Rosalie is a little picky. She would never have agreed to come to a place like this."

"That's the only problem with Rosalie? Really, Alice?" Edward joked, raising his eyebrows.

The joke helped to ease the tension a little. Edward had complained about Rosalie so much during the break that I almost felt like I knew her too. Well that and I was just happy that all the focus wasn't on me anymore. The three of them slid into easy conversation and I joined in occasionally, whenever I could think of something to say. They asked me the usual questions: what was I studying, where was I from, etc, etc. I tried to answer properly and asked a few questions of my own every now and again. I was pleasantly surprised that the whole thing felt easier than I'd anticipated. Maybe it was because Edward was beside me, picking up the slack whenever I needed it and keeping the conversation going. He joked easily with both of them and it was obvious that he was having a good time.

Or maybe all my hard work was paying off and I really was improving. Either way, it seemed to be going okay. Of course, the dinner had only just started…

After a few minutes, the waiter came around with little glasses of what was surely almost pure alcohol. I tried to decline politely, but Alice firmly cut me off.

"Don't be silly. These are half the reason we come to this restaurant. It's a specialty. You have to try it."

"Alice, don't-" Edward began.

"No, it's okay. Sure, I'll try it. Why not?" I said as I took the glass from the waiter, inspecting it skeptically. Maybe a little liquid courage wouldn't be such a bad thing tonight.

"Cheers," Alice said.

I took a small sip and it burned going down my throat. I tried to mask my involuntary cough but it made me shiver almost violently. Christ, this stuff was strong. And it tasted awful.

I put it back down on the table immediately. _No more of that, thank you._ The last thing I needed right now was to get wasted and blurt out a million humiliating things. At the same time, though, I didn't want to offend Alice.

"Do you want to switch?" I whispered to Edward. He'd already drained his glass, so I guess he must've liked it.

"In a minute," he whispered back conspiratorially, rubbing up and down my arm. He waited until Alice and Jasper were talking, caught up in each other, and then quickly switched our glasses and drained mine as well.

I gratefully patted his knee as the dinner continued, Alice none the wiser.

However, that was all it took for me to realize that I had been worrying about the wrong person. _Jasper_ wasn't the scary one; the real threat was Alice.

Well, okay, maybe Jasper was a little scary, but he wasn't nearly as frightening as I'd imagined. I actually really liked him, not least because he had some of Edward's mannerisms. He told stories the way Edward did; he made you feel like you were there too, a part of it all. And he had this way of looking at you while he was speaking, like he was talking only to you, like your opinion actually mattered to him. It reminded me of Edward and that smiling thing he did with his eyes all the time.

He'd run his hand through his hair or grin and every time it made me feel a little more comfortable around him.

He was undeniably reserved, though, just like Edward had said. It was easy for me to recognize a fellow introvert. He didn't say very much at first and even when he did, he talked slowly, measuring his words. He definitely wasn't trying to dictate the conversation like Alice did. In fact, Alice seemed to be doing most of his talking for him, and at first glance, it seemed like she was wearing the pants in the relationship. Only when I looked closer did I realize it wasn't the case at all. If anything, it was the other way around. They seemed to have their own way of communicating with each other and sometimes just a touch or a glance from Jasper was enough to calm her down when she started getting carried away by whatever story she was telling. It became clearer as the evening continued that Jasper had a quiet kind of power, and not just over Alice.

Although I could see how some people could mistake his reticence as shyness, it was clear that he had an air of quiet confidence about him. I didn't even know something like that existed. Until I met Jasper, I always assumed that confidence was loud and outspoken or laid-back and humorous like Edward. Jasper had a hushed confidence. It seemed to originate from the way he analyzed his surroundings. I had this weird feeling that if I made him close his eyes and asked him how many windows there were in the room or how many people were wearing black, he'd easily be able to tell me. This tendency of his to assess every situation became even more apparent to me as the evening progressed and I got to know him better. It seemed like he was always observing quietly from his position while other people muddled through their lives, barely aware of what was going on around them. He was definitely a very interesting creature.

Alice, on the other hand… Oh boy. I'd clearly underestimated just how terrifying this petite girl could be.

For starters, it was obvious that she was a huge control-freak. She was the pushiest person I'd ever met. She was constantly trying to dominate the conversation, changing the subject often and bluntly asking me probing questions, making me mumble nervously as I tried to keep up with her interrogation. The whole thing was filling my stomach with anxious butterflies.

The situation was exacerbated by the fact that, underneath my growing fear of her, I also found her kind of annoying. She kept using the trendy slang, most of which I wasn't even familiar with, repeating little phrases that she obviously thought were cute, or worse, actually considered clever.

_God,_ _why can't she just talk normally?_ It felt like everything she said was designed to make her look good or "cool" or whatever the kids were calling it these days. _I bet Alice would know what the kids are calling it these days. _She wasn't just "expressing herself"; it felt like she was exploiting her personality, showing it off like it was another one of her designer bags that she wouldn't shut up about.

It just seemed like she was trying way too hard. I could never trust a person like her. Sure, Edward liked joking around. He did silly things for effect sometimes, but not ALL the time. He'd actually give you a straight answer if you wanted one. And he'd actually answer the question you asked, not the one he wished you'd asked. This girl was the exact opposite. She asked me question after question, demanding answers from me, but telling me almost nothing real in return. It seemed like she was only willing to tell me what she wanted me to know, whatever made her look good.

It felt like she was … acting… and I found myself becoming increasingly paranoid around her.

By the time our main course arrived, I was completely terrified of her and I was starting to dislike her more and more with each passing minute.

"Don't you like it?" I asked her. She had ordered some kind of meat and it arrived in a beautifully arranged plate, surrounded by a bed of potatoes and other vegetables. She immediately began dismantling the whole thing, scraping off all the potatoes. It was something I thought I could safely comment on and since I had definitely said the least so far, I stupidly asked her about it. She was the one who had chosen the restaurant. Surely it was safe to ask her if she liked the food. Mine was delicious.

"Oh I do, but I've read that it's better not to eat potatoes with red meat, only with fish or on their own." Then she launched into a ridiculously detailed explanation - something about the way proteins and carbohydrates are broken down by the body.

"Really? I've never heard that before. That's interesting," I mumbled. _Oh yeah, Rosalie is the picky one. _

I saw Jasper roll his eyes (which coincidentally was exactly what I wanted to do right now) before quickly changing the subject. I couldn't help but smile a little as I shifted my gaze back to my plate. I had both potatoes and meat and an extremely rich sauce. Maybe I should be watching what I eat as well…

Then again if I suddenly stopped eating my potatoes, wouldn't it be kind of obvious that it was only because of what Alice had said? I didn't want to draw any extra attention to myself. Plus I was 98% sure that I wasn't fat. There's nothing quite as effective as constant stress for burning calories. I think I'd actually lost weight since I met Edward and definitely since all the stupid "opportunities" had started.

_But if I continue eating my potatoes after what she just said, won't it be like I'm snubbing her?_ I may not have liked her very much, but I knew Edward did and I definitely didn't want to piss her off. I stared at my plate stupidly, unsure of what to do. Finally I just gave up trying to figure it out and grabbed my drink instead. I guess I was done with dinner. Hopefully, I'd already eaten enough for Alice and Jasper to think that I was just full. Edward on the other hand, gave me a curious look and I wondered if he knew why I had stopped.

_Of course he knows. He knows how fucking ridiculous you are. You've barely known this little drill sergeant for an hour and you're already letting her tell you what not to eat. _

Well at least he didn't say anything in front of everyone else. That would've made things worse for me.

Her hold on me just got stronger and stronger as the evening progressed. She was making me second-guess everything.

"If you'll excuse me, I need to use the restroom," said Alice. I thought this meant that I'd finally get a break from trying to figure out how to make her like me but I guess not.

She got up and instead of walking away, she stopped and looked at me expectantly, "Bella?"

"Um… yes?" Did she think I knew where it was? What the hell did she want?

"_It is a truth universally acknowledged that girls must always go to the restroom together," Jasper informed me._

"Oh… right. Of course." _Stupid, stupid Bella. Don't you watch TV? You know that – try to at least act intelligent, won't you? _I started getting up to follow her, even though I really didn't need to go.

"Aren't you going to take your purse, Bella?"

"I didn't actually bring one tonight," I told her while she looked at me curiously. "My phone and my wallet are in my jacket pocket. You'll keep an eye on them for me, right Edward?"

"Of course," he said, smirking and watching Alice.

Thankfully, she didn't say anything else as I followed her to the restroom.

As I expected, it was just an excuse to interrogate me in private. I washed my hands quickly, hoping to make a speedy exit, but she started reapplying her makeup and apparently I wasn't allowed to leave without her. _Great. Fucking perfect. _

"That's an interesting shirt. Where did you get it?"

_God, what is it with girls insulting my clothes? It's just a stupid shirt. Is it really that big a deal? And can't they think of something more original than "interesting"? _

Now that I thought about it, she did kind of remind me of Lauren.

Then again, maybe I was just jealous. Alice was so… color-coordinated. She was just like "them". She looked and talked like all those pretty, shiny girls in high school, all neat and put together. The ones everyone wanted to be friends with – even me, for a while anyway until I realized how annoying they were… or maybe I just instinctively knew it was pointless to keep trying to fit in with them. Who knows… Maybe she was just dredging up painful high school memories and that's why I found myself disliking her so intensely so quickly.

"I don't remember. My mother picked it out." _Oh nice going, Bella. Tell Miss Fashion Guru that your mother still picks out your clothes. That's real smart._ "I mean it was a gift from my mother... Um… nice bag." I tried to change the subject awkwardly and deflect from my embarrassing slip.

"Thanks. It's Fendi. I've already got one in black, but I couldn't resist this color. Taupe is beautiful, don't you think?"

"Yeah, it's really pretty." _Why can't she just say gray? And why the fuck do I know that anyway?_

"You're welcome to borrow it whenever you want. Or if you want to go shopping some time, I'd be happy to tag along and help you out." _Oh, swell. Won't that be fun?_ Luckily she changed the subject before I had to commit one way or the other. It was a small glimmer of hope – if I just waited a little, she usually got distracted and moved on to something else. Her mind must go at a hundred miles an hour. "So how did you and Edward meet?"

"Um…We were both in the library a lot at the same time and we're both taking two of the same classes and we just started talking." Well, sort of… it would probably have been more accurate to say that _Edward _had started talking to me and hadn't stopped for some unknown reason. "What about you and Jasper?"

"He was my lab partner in high school. I thought he was cute so I asked him out." _She _asked _him _out? What is she, crazy? "He was kind of shy back then so it took a little convincing, but eventually he caved," she enlightened me, smiling sweetly. "I don't take no for an answer."

I think I actually might have peed myself a little. This girl was going to be the death of me.

Before we left the bathroom, I splashed cold water on my face, even though I knew it wouldn't help.

Many, many (many) questions later, we finally said goodnight to Jasper and Alice. As undisguisedly happy as I was to be rid of Alice, I didn't want to say goodbye to Jasper. He was such an interesting guy and I'd definitely enjoyed getting to know him. Maybe he'd hang out with Edward and me without Alice every now and then.

* * *

"So did you have fun?" Edward asked me when we got back to my room.

"Yeah, I did. I really like your brother," I replied, hoping he wouldn't realize the omission as I emptied my jacket pockets and started getting ready for bed.

And one out of two wasn't bad, right? Things with Alice hadn't gone well at all. _God knows what she must think of me… _But I thought that maybe Jasper might like me. I definitely liked him.

"I knew you would. And Alice? I know she can be a bit much at first, but I think once you get used to her, you'll like her too. Don't ever let her push you around though, okay?" he said, throwing me a knowing glance. _Oh yeah, he definitely knows why you stopped eating._

I didn't have much time to dwell on that realization though. I was too busy staring at my phone in shock._ Are you fucking kidding me?_

"Edward, what the hell is this?" I demanded.

"What's what?" He moved to stand behind me, peeking over my shoulder.

"Alice sent me a text. How did she even get my number?" I insisted, my voice rising.

She'd sent me a text, telling me how much fun she had tonight and inviting me to go shopping with her next weekend. _Yeah right. _

"Shopping might be fun."

"Oh, you think so?" I said, throwing my phone on the bed and turning on him fully now.

"Yeah, why not?"

His seemingly innocent reaction just confirmed my fears. I wasn't just mad; I was hurt. How could he betray me like this?

"Did you give her my cell phone number? Did you ask her to invite me? You told them about me… Did you tell them… you know… everything? God, Edward, please tell me you didn't. I told you that stuff in confidence."

I turned away from him, trying to hide my face as my eyes filled with tears. Was that why Alice had been so pushy and overly friendly all night? He must've begged her to be nice to me. Why else would she be inviting me to do stuff? She couldn't possibly want to be friends with me after tonight – we were so completely different. I didn't even like her; there was no way in hell that _she_ actually liked _me_. A part of me couldn't even imagine that Edward would betray me like this, but what other explanation was there? How else could she have gotten my phone number if not through Edward? He'd obviously told his whole family about his freaky little girlfriend… And now I felt like their pet, the one they'd all help housetrain. This whole evening had been a fake. It was just a way for Edward to arrange a "play date" for me.

"Bella, I didn't, I swear. I did give Alice your number because she wouldn't stop pestering me, but I never told her to invite you. You met her – this is what she's like. If she likes you, she's not shy about letting you know." He moved to stand in front of me, pulling me towards him and trying to catch my gaze. "And I asked Jasper for advice early on in our relationship, but I've never told anyone anything you shared with me, I promise," he said, staring into my eyes and cupping the side of my face.

I could finally breathe normally again. "Okay," I nodded. It was difficult to doubt him when he looked at me like that, his eyes so innocent. Having met Alice, I guess I could understand that he might have caved and given her my number if she'd been even half as pushy as she was with me tonight. Still, he was definitely going to get it later, for not telling me what he'd done.

I sighed and pulled away, sitting on the edge of my bed and dropping my face into my hands. He hadn't betrayed me but… I couldn't help it. Something about the whole situation still felt off.

"Do you believe me?" he asked quietly, sitting down next to me and placing his arm around me.

"Yes, I do."

"Okay. Then why are you still upset?"

"I don't know. I don't think I'm upset with _you_."

"Are you mad at Alice, then? She means well, she's usually just in her own little world and she gets ahead of herself sometimes."

"No, I'm not mad at Alice, although I really don't like her very much. We have nothing in common. I'm sorry but I'm not going shopping with her. I'll make up some excuse." It would probably be impossible to be friends with someone like Alice, anyway. People like her didn't befriend… they claimed you, seized possession of you.

"Okay. If you don't like her, that's fine," he answered quickly.

I turned my face in my hands so I could look at him. "You want us to be friends though, don't you? Do you want me to be friends with Alice in particular? Or are you trying to tell me… something else… because if you are, I already know it. You don't have to tell me."

That's what felt so off about this whole thing. Although it was just for a moment, I'd believed that he was trying to fix me up with a potential girlfriend tonight. And it had made me feel completely humiliated. It upset me so much, because it hit a little too close to home. The "something else"… He didn't need to tell me because I'd slowly been realizing it on my own. Every time he had some extra-curricular activity or spent time with Mike and his other friends, it got a little more difficult to ignore it.

_He has other people in his life and I don't. _

_He's not just my best friend… He's my __only__ real friend. _

_I don't have anyone else. _

And when he'd left me alone for the whole day on Thursday, everything had crumbled without him… He was too entrenched in my life. Nothing worked without him anymore and that wasn't good for me. What would I do when this inevitably ended?

"I want you to be happy, Bella. That's all," he whispered, pulling me into a tight hug.

"I'm working on it," I whispered back, snuggling further into his warm embrace.

And now I knew what my next "opportunity" would be. I needed to regain control of my life. I needed friends of my own, people who were completely unrelated to Edward, not just his brother or his brother's girlfriend – real friends of my own.

I needed my own life. That was the only way I was going to survive all of this.

**

* * *

A/N: I'm going somewhere with the Alice/Bella storyline but it will take me a few chapters to get there.  
**

**As usual, massive hugs and kisses for thequietlife and Irritable Grizzzly – you guys rock. And of course the people who reviewed – your reviews really help me stay motivated. Thank you :)**

**EDIT: I'm going away again and won't have internet, so it might take me longer to reply to reviews. Apologies in advance.  
**


	23. I need him

** Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**

* * *

Apparently when Alice said she doesn't take no for an answer, she wasn't kidding. The girl just wouldn't give up and kept texting me to do something with her, no matter how many creative excuses I came up with.

_Well, at least I don't need Google anymore to decode her texts – I know what "lol" and "sfm" stand for now._

_Oh yeah, big achievement, Bella._

_Would it kill her to use capital letters every once in a while, though?_

I couldn't figure out why she was so set on us being friends. I was sure she already had dozens of followers – girls like her always did. Why was she so desperate to add me to her collection?

_Well, I don't give a fuck about her reasons. I hate everything she stands for with her cute little outfits and perfectly styled hair. I'm not giving in this time._

At least that's what I told myself in the beginning. It didn't last long. I did give in.

Of course I did. I always do.

Edward kept telling me that she was a really sweet and devoted friend and that she meant well, and Alice kept texting me and, ugh… It didn't matter how much I hated myself for it, I gave in anyway.

I agreed to go shopping with her and it was everything I knew it would be. She was so annoyingly enthusiastic the whole time, all bubbly and happy, and already planning something else for us to do the next weekend. God. Could she not see how miserable I was with her? How stupid was this girl?

Well, to be fair, she probably had no idea what was going on in my head. The only comfort I had, my only pathetic form of rebellion, was the constant sarcastic commentary running through my mind. On the surface however, I was always sickeningly polite, even a little friendly. That was the worst part - the fact that I was completely incapable of telling her no- of telling her that I wasn't interested in all the girly stuff she liked to do.

When I finally managed to escape, I came back with half a dozen new outfits, a bunch of ridiculously-sized accessories and a whole new list of reasons to hate myself.

Edward was waiting for me by my door when I got back to my room. I shoved the bags of crap I'd never wear at him, threw my shoes on the floor as if they were to blame for my spinelessness, and flopped down on my bed, completely frustrated with myself.

"So it went well then?" he said sarcastically, rifling curiously through one of the bags.

"Just dandy, thanks."

"I didn't realize this was your style. Pink?" he said, skeptically holding up one of the ridiculous tops Alice had "suggested" I buy. Not that I had put up a fight. I think I might've even fucking thanked her for her "help."

"Are you sure it's not fuchsia or magenta or something?" I scoffed, turning to lie on my side and stare at my wall sulkily.

I heard the bags rustle as he put them down on the floor and came to lie on the bed next to me, spooning up against me and winding his arm around my waist.

"How bad was it?" he asked softly, sweeping my hair away and nuzzling my neck lightly.

"Bad," I confessed to the wall. I couldn't keep the humiliation out of my voice. "I just don't get it, Edward. I hate what I become when I'm around her. It's bad; it's as bad as it ever was."

His fingertips traced up my arm soothingly as he patiently listened to my rant.

"I don't get why she has so much power over me. I can't think straight when I'm around her. It's like I never even met you, like I haven't done one of my 'opportunities.' I don't know why, but whenever I'm with her it's like I've gone all the way back to square one. I just let her push me around and it doesn't matter how many clever, sarcastic remarks I come up with in my head, because I never say any of them out loud and I probably never will."

And that was yet another thing I hated about myself when I was around Alice. I mean, it was one thing to dislike her, but some of the stuff I said in my head… I sounded like a jealous, bitchy teenager. She seemed to bring out the worst in me – this hateful, bitter coward.

Even when she wasn't being a control-freak or rambling about things I had no interest in whatsoever, I still found myself hating her. Every time she opened her mouth, it felt like it wasn't just Alice speaking – it was every single girl who had undoubtedly made fun of me behind my back, judged me. I couldn't help it – every time I saw her all I could think was: _that's_ what you're supposed to be like, _that's _how girls are supposed to act, _that's_ what you'll never be.

I knew it was petty, but what person likes to constantly be reminded of their shortcomings? I told myself it was okay to feel this way, because there were so many other legitimate reasons to dislike her (like the fact that she's pushy and talks incessantly), but I didn't like feeling this way nonetheless. I really wanted to just avoid her. There were definitely advantages to completely detaching yourself from other people – at least before I'd never had to deal with all these petty human emotions.

Edward tightened his grip around me, shifting us closer together and sighing wearily against my shoulder.

"She's really not a bad person, though. She's been so good for Jasper. I don't know why you two are finding it so difficult to understand each other. I'm trying to stay out of it, but if I can maybe fix this somehow…"

"Edward," I sighed. "I… I appreciate you not getting involved. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to put you in the middle of all this. I know you like her and I don't mind her too much when we're in a group, but I can't see us ever becoming friends."

There was no way I was going to let him talk to Alice behind my back and fix things for me, like I was a helpless toddler. I really didn't want to screw up their friendship. It was obvious that Jasper and Alice were pretty serious, so it wasn't like Alice wouldn't always be in Edward's life. I'd just have to find some way to tolerate her when we were in a group. It shouldn't be too bad… at least I'd always have Edward there to help me deal with her. But I definitely wasn't going to be spending any more one-on-one time with Alice – that was freaking suicide. Edward would just have to accept that we were too different to be friends.

"Okay, I'll… I'll stay out of it," he reluctantly promised, making it sound like the most difficult thing he'd ever have to do.

"Thank you."

We just lay there for a while, Edward holding me close while I attempted to squirm even closer to him. I tried to quiet my mind a little, slow down my thoughts, but I couldn't. I was wide awake, thinking, planning, scheming. Although my afternoon with Alice had been a disaster, one good thing had come out of it. She gave me an idea.

She had started telling me about some kind of fashion society ...something (I tuned out the minute I heard "fashion society")... that she belonged to, and that's when it hit me. It was probably my best chance. I needed to find a club to join. Then I'd be guaranteed to meet a whole bunch of people who had at least one similar interest, right? That's the whole point of clubs, isn't it? Common ground.

* * *

Luckily, Alice seemed to finally come to her senses after that day and stopped pestering me to spend time with her. Now that I didn't have to constantly worry about what excuse I'd give her next, I could focus more on my plan.

I knew I needed to find a very particular kind of club. It had to be something geeky – definitely. I already knew that I didn't fit in with the "cool" kids. It also had to be something that I was genuinely interested in. And most importantly, it had to be a _new_ club. The main flaw in my plan was that it was the middle of the year. If I joined an existing club now, I'd be at a huge disadvantage. Everyone would have already joined their groups, indifferent and content in the knowledge that they had found their niche. A new club, on the other hand, would not have a settled social hierarchy and I would be able to infiltrate easier. People might go alone and would definitely be more open to the idea of making new friends. That would make things a hell of a lot easier on me. It took me some time, but eventually I finally managed to find something that at least had a chance of success.

* * *

"I love astrology," Edward said enthusiastically.

"It's astronomy, not astrology," I told him as I scanned my room, trying to figure out where my bag was.

"Oh, thank God; I hate astrology. Astronomy doesn't sound too bad, though, so let me just find my jacket and I'll be ready to go."

Shit. This was the other big flaw. I hadn't really told Edward anything about my plan. Last night I had just showed him the email the entire college had received about how a handful of students were trying to start an astronomy club. I told him it looked interesting and that I wanted to go to the first meeting and give it a try. I'd been hoping that he'd already have something of his own to do or just wouldn't be interested, but it was obvious that, whether he was interested or not, he was determined to come along.

"Edward," I began cautiously. "I um…I really, really think that I should go by myself. It's a... a good opportunity, you know?" I mumbled as my cheeks started heating up.

"I agree that it's a good idea, but why can't I come? I can help," he said carefully, softly. "I'll be your wingman," he joked, trying to lighten the atmosphere again. "Or I'll just sit in the back if you want and you can pretend you don't even know me."

"I think that would help me… too much, you know?" I whispered. "I just think it's important that I go by myself."

I had no doubt that if Edward came along, he'd have a whole bunch of new friends by the end of the night. It's not that he wouldn't happily include me, and try to help me get to know some more people, but I felt like it would still be _him_ sharing _his_ friends. It wouldn't really be me doing any of this. If I let him come along, he'd do most of the hard work for me. Even if he just sat in the back and kept quiet, I'd still know that he was there and I'd rely on him like I always did. I needed to know that I was on my own.

Well, that and I didn't really want him to see me make an idiot out of myself.

"Okay," he agreed, looking disappointed, and even a little defeated.

I extricated my bag from underneath one of Edward's shirts and went to kiss him goodbye. He crushed me into a tight embrace, holding me to his chest and kissing the top of my head.

"Just be careful, okay? Be safe."

"It's just astronomy club. What could happen?"

I tried to sound light-hearted but the truth was that I was terrified. I'd gotten almost comfortable with Edward, but now I was putting myself out there, in an incredibly vulnerable position, where people could not only disappoint me, but really hurt me. I wasn't really sure that I was ready for this, but I had to seize the opportunity. There might not be any more new clubs starting this year and astronomy did sound quite interesting. This was my best shot; I had to take it.

"I'll be back in an hour and a half," I told him, trying to sound and feel determined for once.

"I'll be here."

"Why? You don't have to wait for me in my room."

"I know. It's fine. I've got to catch up on some reading and this is as good a place as any."

"Okay, well take my key just in case you change your mind," I said, giving him one last quick kiss goodbye. "If you're not here when I get back, I'll call you."

* * *

It's funny how you can spend a few years living somewhere, and you even come to believe that you know your way around, but then suddenly you have to find a building you haven't been to before and you realize just how fragile your knowledge really is. It became obvious pretty quickly that I only knew how to find the places I routinely visited on campus. Despite the directions in the email, I got lost and ended up arriving a few minutes late to the meeting.

_Great fucking start, Bella._

I tried to slip inside the room as inconspicuously as possible, slightly out of breath and nervous as hell. It didn't look like I had missed anything. The guy I assumed was in charge was just walking to the front of the room. Not wanting to draw any more attention to myself, I took the first seat I found at the back, next to a blonde girl I'd never seen before.

I fidgeted uncomfortably in my seat. The noise in the room slowly began to quiet down as people realized the meeting was about to begin, but a few hushed murmurs could still be heard.

_Okay. Okay. Time to get this show on the road. You're not just going to sit there mutely like you always do. We're being pro-active now, remember? No one's going to catch you off-guard because you're on the offensive this time._

I put my bag on the floor and rearranged myself in my seat. I was sitting too rigidly; I needed to at least _look_ relaxed.

_Okay. Open, friendly body language. No crossing my arms, or holding my bag in my lap. Look approachable. Yeah… right… whatever the fuck that means. Maybe I should have googled it._

I peeked at the girl next to me out of the corner of my eye. Being late could actually turn out to be a good thing for me. I had an easy conversation starter.

"Have I missed anything?" I asked her casually, albeit a little more quietly than I would have liked.

"Oh no, they're just starting," she told me, smiling politely.

"Oh good," I smiled back.

When she didn't say anything more, I looked around nervously. The room wasn't very large. There were probably only about twenty of us and the atmosphere seemed quite informal. _Okay, this is good. Not too many people. Not too formal. This might work._

_Okay… say something else, Bella. _

"Um…Do you know what we're actually going to do in this meeting? The email wasn't very clear."

"Not really, no. Sorry."

"No, that's okay. I guess we'll find out soon enough," I said, smiling a little nervously.

"Yep," she smiled at me again but then the girl sitting next to her whispered something and they started giggling together. Crap. She was here with a friend. She already had someone. It would be a lot harder to infiltrate a group than to get to know someone one-on-one.

The guy at the front started talking. I was more than a little relieved to turn my attention to something else, something that didn't involve me talking.

"Hi, guys," he began. If I had to guess, I would've said that he was in his third year of college, like I was, or maybe a little older. "It's nice to see so many of you here. I'm Ben and I'm an astronomy major, but you don't have to know much about astronomy to join. I'm sending around a sheet of paper. Please write down your name and email address so that I can put you on the mailing list.

"The plan for tonight is to just introduce you to astronomy, but I'm hoping that we can organize a few events for the rest of the year. I thought I'd get things started by telling you a bit about some recent astronomical events of interest, and also talk about some of the more newsworthy happenings you might've seen in the media over the last few years."

He started going through what I guess were the "top" headlines of the astronomy world. Some of the things he was talking about definitely rang a bell and it was actually quite interesting when he explained why Pluto isn't considered a planet anymore. _Poor Pluto. It must be embarrassing to be demoted like that._

After about thirty minutes, Ben paused the meeting for a ten minute break. Some people got up – there was free food, so of course they got up - but the girls next to me stayed seated and I tried to keep making small talk with them. I felt kind of rude, butting into their conversation, but talking to people was the whole point of this exercise, so I pushed down my discomfort as best I could.

Their names turned out to be Heidi and Jane. They seemed nice, but… I don't know. They hadn't seemed particularly interested in following what was being said. They had giggled throughout the whole first half of the meeting, and although I tried to follow their conversation and was even kind of part of it a few times, I wasn't at all interested in what they were talking about. It seemed like the only reason they were here was because some guy they had a crush on was sitting two rows in front of us. Not exactly the slightly geeky, mellow people I was hoping to meet.

About five minutes into the break, I excused myself and went to the bathroom, taking my bag with me. I knew I shouldn't have expected instant results. I knew that it would take time, but I couldn't help but be disappointed when the first people I spoke to didn't turn out to be "kindred spirits." I was already tired, having felt on edge and tense the whole time, and the urge to run home to Edward was overwhelming. I could just leave right now, tell him that astronomy wasn't my thing and let him cheer me up with his smiles and his gentle touch. It would be so easy to give up.

_It's way too early to quit. You've only just started. _

_You do actually like astronomy. The first half of the meeting was really interesting._

And wasn't this what I always did? I always gave up way too soon. Freshman year, I'd tried to make friends with Jessica and Lauren because they lived next door to me and were pretty much the first people I met. Then, when that became a total nightmare and it turned out that I didn't have anything in common with them, instead of trying to get to know other people, I just gave up with everyone.

But there had to be people out there who had similar interests to me. _How fucking vain am I to believe otherwise?_ And didn't I already have concrete proof that all this was possible? I had Edward. I actually got along with Edward. There had to be other people like Edward out there, people I could talk to, people I could be myself with.

I had to keep trying.

I made my way back to the meeting just as it was starting again. I could see Heidi and Jane still giggling in the back, but since I didn't seem to be getting along with them, I decided to try again and changed seats.

I felt like a bit of a jerk surveying the people around me, trying to deduce what they were like just based on their appearance, but I didn't really have anything else to go on. It seemed like an asshole move, but I was trying to find someone who looked… harmless.

I spotted a girl with blackish hair towards the front and took a seat next to her. She was casually dressed, slouching in her seat. She had a relaxed air about her; the kind of informal comfort that I had been trying to fake earlier.

I smiled at her as I sat down and she politely smiled back, but Ben started the meeting again before I could think of something to say. My body relaxed a little as I found myself getting more and more interested in what he was saying and the pictures he was showing us. The minutes ticked by quickly.

"The human eye can only see about 3,000 stars but academics estimate that there are actually 100,000,000,000 stars – and that's just in our galaxy," Ben told us. "And before you ask me if I'm being serious, the answer is yes, like the brightest star in the night sky, I am Sirius!"

O…kay.

I tried to laugh politely, hoping my forced laughter couldn't be heard over the few gracious chuckles that mumbled pitifully throughout the room.

"I begged him not to use that joke, but he wouldn't listen," the black-haired girl whispered to me, almost conspiratorially. "How bad was it? Be honest," she laughed lightly, shaking her head.

"Um… pretty bad," I admitted, joining in her quiet laughter.

"He didn't even come up with it himself – he found it on the internet."

"Well, I guess it's better than a Uranus joke," I whispered back.

"Yeah, but just barely."

We both laughed again, but then turned our attention back to Ben.

_Okay, that went all right. _If I just pretended that I was talking to Edward, it wasn't so bad.

_Don't just stay mute now. Think of something else to say._

"Um… May I ask you something?" I whispered to her a few minutes later while Ben fussed with his laptop, loading some video he wanted to show us.

"Sure," she replied, turning towards me politely.

"At the beginning, umm… Ben said that he's an astronomy major, but that we don't have to know that much to join this club. Well… how much do you think we actually need to know? Because I really don't know anything about astronomy."

"That's totally fine. If he wants to get all technical, he's got his research group and his friends to talk to. He's kind of doing this for me, actually. I don't know very much about astronomy either," she began in a friendly tone, "I only started developing an interest in it when we began dating, but I can't really go to seminars or any of the events organized by the department because I don't know enough to follow them. So he decided to try starting an informal club. It's basically astronomy for dummies, so don't worry."

"Oh, okay. That's nice of him," I replied, nodding and trying to smile as much as possible.

"If you want to know more about what he's got planned, he's probably going to hang around after the meeting to answer questions. You've heard his jokes, though, so approach at your own risk," she joked. "He's, um… he's really passionate about this stuff. He'll definitely ask you why you're interested in astronomy and he'll keep talking until you tell him you have to go."

"Oh."

She saw my face fall and threw me a questioning glance. I started to explain reluctantly, "My reason is really stupid."

"Okay, now I'm curious. What is it?"

"Um…"

_Okay, Bella. Relax. This is about opening up to people. Monosyllable answers are not going to get you anywhere. Take a risk and give her a real answer. Your answer, and not someone else's._

I didn't really want to get so personal so quickly, but she seemed nice and I didn't want to pretend or lie. I guess the trick was to just be casual, right? _Answer honestly, but don't get too serious. Be cool, _I told myself, rolling my eyes at myself internally.

"Well, I don't know. It's nice to know how big the universe is, that there's a hell of a lot more out there than just our little lives. It makes me feel like less of a screw-up, I guess," I shrugged, hopefully nonchalantly and laughed lightly at my own expense.

"That's not stupid. I know exactly what you mean. I chose to minor in philosophy because I like to remind myself how dumb I really am. How little people actually know. It helps me not to take everything too seriously, you know?" she said, smiling casually. She was really quite pretty. Her hair was pulled back in a modest ponytail, her make up light. And she had this slightly geeky habit of pushing up her glasses every few minutes that I really liked.

"You're taking philosophy? That's really cool. I almost minored in philosophy, but I chose sociology instead." And thank God I had changed my mind, because otherwise I never would've taken Banner's course and I never would've met Edward. "I've tried to read a little philosophy though. It's really interesting."

"What've you read?"

"Plato's Republic, a little Nietzsche and some Sartre. That's pretty much it. I tried to read Schopenhauer but I couldn't understand it at all."

"Yeah, I know. You actually have to read one of his earlier books before his main work makes sense. I'm Angela, by the way."

"Bella."

We talked a little more during the rest of the meeting, mostly evaluating Ben's public speaking skills. I wasn't exactly comfortable and sometimes there were awkward gaps in the conversation, but on the whole I thought it was going okay.

"So our next meeting will be on Friday," Ben told us when it was almost over. "The Shattuck Observatory on campus offers free viewing through their telescopes on Fridays from 8 p.m. It will be a lot easier if we just meet there. I'll send everyone an email with directions."

The meeting ended then, and people slowly began leaving. I fiddled with my bag and jacket nervously, unsure whether I should leave or stay and try to talk to Angela and maybe even Ben a little more.

"I'd better go save that poor guy before Ben scares him away," Angela said, watching Ben talk animatedly to another student, thus making my decision for me. "See you on Friday?"

"Yep. See you then," I said, smiling at her once more before I left.

* * *

"How'd it go?" Edward asked, a little too nonchalantly, when I got back to my room.

"Um… yeah, good I think. It's nice doing something unrelated to class work, and astronomy seems really interesting, actually. The next meeting is at a real observatory on campus, so that should be good."

"Good. That's good. I'm glad you liked it. What are the people like?" he asked, almost shyly.

"They're nice. This girl, Angela… she seemed really nice. I think I'm gonna keep going," I said, shrugging as if he'd just asked me about the weather.

I wasn't sure why we were trying to be so cavalier about this. We both knew it was a big deal for me. I could tell that Edward was trying not to pry too much and for some reason, I really didn't want to tell him too many details.

* * *

At first I thought it was because I didn't want to get my hopes up – or his. But it seemed to become an almost taboo subject between us as the weeks passed by. Instinctively, I told Edward very little about what we did every week and in turn, he didn't ask too many questions. It was such a big deal for me… I just wanted to keep my growing friendship with Angela _mine_, you know? It was starting to feel like I was leading a double life. I didn't like the idea of my lives merging and Edward meeting Angela and Ben. Not until I was sure that it was actually a real, solid friendship.

I kept going to the meetings twice a week, every week. The group slowly dwindled to about fifteen regulars (Heidi and Jane both disappeared after the first week). I tried to talk to everyone, at least in passing, but I got along best with Angela. She was the easiest to talk to and the better I got to know her, the more I realized that we actually had quite a few things in common. She recommended philosophy books for me that were easier to understand and we quickly discovered that we had similar tastes in movies – she even liked The West Wing and knew all sorts of cool geeky movie trivia.

Through her, I also got to know Ben. He wasn't as easy to talk to, but I could always go back to the subject of astronomy if I got stuck. He was definitely, err… passionate about his studies.

His jokes didn't get much better, though. Angela and I actually had a bet to see who could get Ben to tell the worst astronomy joke. He was definitely what Lauren would call a "nerd", but it actually made me really like him. I was even a little envious. He was so madly in love with astronomy, so certain that he wanted to devote his entire life to it. For someone like me, someone who had never felt particularly certain about anything, that kind of self-assurance and purpose was nice to be around. As much as I loved spending time with Edward, it was also kind of nice to talk to other people.

I wasn't sure if we were actually "friends" yet, though. They both had my phone number and I almost always showed up early now and stayed late to chat with them and help organize events for the club. Angela and I would also sometimes meet early and get coffee before we headed over. I guess it was too much to hope that they'd help me out like Edward had and officially announce that we were friends.

It seemed to be going okay. Of course, maybe that was because I knew Edward was always just a phone call away. Despite what I had said about needing to do this by myself, I knew that I wasn't on my own at all. I knew I could always run home and be miserable with him and he'd tell me it was all okay and make me feel better and talk to me until I was willing to go out there again. I was never really "on my own".

Apart from the fact that we never talked very much about the part of my life that included Angela and Ben, things between Edward and I were pretty fucking good. He had practically moved in with me. And okay, his clothes and his books and his DVDs were all over my room and I had to, err… "encourage" him to clean up every now and again, but that was a small price to pay for having him in my bed almost every night.

One of my favorite parts was cuddling up to him before we went to sleep. Of course the, err… stuff… we did _before _we went to sleep was pretty good too. Our physical relationship hadn't progressed much further, but we both seemed to be enjoying where we were right now. We enjoyed ourselves … a lot. It was only natural to want to do it over and over and over again, though, right? I just couldn't get enough of him. It was completely addictive. Touching him, and being touched by him. I tried not to wonder how often other couples did… stuff. Edward certainly never complained that we messed around too much.

With only a few weeks left to go, Edward and I were also happily planning what we were going to do over spring break. He'd asked me if I had any plans and this time I'd told him the truth. Our plan was to actually go on a vacation somewhere together. Edward wanted somewhere with a beach, somewhere warm and sunny and lazy, but I was a little hesitant at first. A beach would mean that I'd have to buy a swim suit and actually wear it in public. The idea was starting to grow on me, though. I guess I could buy a one-piece and board shorts and cover up somehow. Maybe with Edward there, it could turn into a good "opportunity."

* * *

One night, things got interesting.

I was staying behind, talking to Angela and Ben about the next event they wanted to organize. I was by no means completely comfortable with them yet, but I'd been talking to them for the last few weeks and we already had several safe topics – things I felt comfortable talking about, things I could even joke about. Sure, I borrowed a lot of jokes from Edward, but I was pretty sure that he wouldn't mind.

We were just leaving, walking out together when it happened.

Angela turned to me and said, "We're going for a quick drink, do you want to come?"

"I don't know," I mumbled. My instincts told me to say no. I was sort of comfortable with Ben and Angela right now – even if we weren't friends, we were definitely friend_ly_ - why ruin things by being overambitious? But if I always said no then we'd never become friends. I had to say yes. "Actually, yeah, sure. Just let me call my boyfriend to let him know that I'm going to be late."

"Sure, I've got to call Kate and Jacob anyway, and let them know we're on our way. Feel free to bring him along if you want."

My heart plummeted a little when I realized it wouldn't just be the three of us and I'd have to cope with two new people, but I dug my cell phone out of my pocket anyway. I stepped away from Angela and Ben as I dialed Edward's number.

"Hello."

"Hi, it's me. Um… so I'm going to go get something to drink with Angela and Ben and some of their friends," I mumbled. I hated that it sounded so uncertain. "Is that okay? Do you mind?"

"No, of course not. That's… that's great."

"Okay, thanks. I'm not sure when I'll be back. You don't have to wait up for me. Maybe you can leave my key somewhere for me."

"No, I'll be here. I'm just reading. I don't have anything else to do tonight," he hinted but he didn't sound very hopeful. I wasn't sure why I didn't invite him to come like Angela had suggested. I was still jealously guarding my tentative friendship with Angela. I just… I wanted to make sure that they liked me, and that they had accepted me into their group _before_ they met Edward and naturally started worshipping him like everybody else did, myself included.

"I won't be too long. Thanks for understanding. I really… thank you, Edward," I whispered.

"Yeah," he mumbled a little sadly. "Have fun, Bella. And be safe."

* * *

We ended up going to a bar. I, Isabella Swan, loner and loser, was actually in a bar. Huh. I already knew that Angela and Ben weren't too crazy about clubbing, but they both drank and liked to go out occasionally. Apparently this was their favorite bar.

Jacob and Kate were already sitting at one of the tables when we got there.

"Ben, you sly bastard. Where have you been hiding?" Jacob called out, grinning widely when he saw us. His face was round and boyish. He had one of those faces that you couldn't imagine maturing.

"I've been busy," Ben said as he scraped back one of the empty chairs.

"Yeah, yeah. I can't help but notice that you've been busy ever since you finally got a real girlfriend," Jacob teased.

Ben was about to reply when Angela cut him off. "Will you two give it a rest? Jacob, Kate - meet Bella. Jake be nice."

"I'm always nice," he waved his hand at her dismissively and gave me a big grin, his eyes sliding over my frame appreciatively.

_Okay, that was weird… what the hell was that? It kind of reminds of the way Edward looks at me when he wants to… No. No, absolutely not. _Clearly, I was losing my mind.

I shook off the weird feeling I got when he looked at me and tried to return his smile as I sat down next to Angela.

Kate, sitting on the other side of me, asked a few polite small-talk questions and I did my best to avoid one-word answers. I couldn't help but feel saddened, though, when the four of them slipped into easy conversation. I'd felt so hopeful lately, truly believing that I'd been getting along well with Angela and Ben, but to see them both chatting animatedly and joking easily with their friends… My conversations with them, the conversations I had proudly replayed in my head, didn't even come close. It was obvious that the four of them had been friends for a long time. Even Angela never spoke to me with such effortless familiarity.

_Get a grip, Bella. This is what happens when you're a spineless coward and you wait until your third year of college to start talking to people. It's much harder for you now, but it's your own damn fault. Just keep trying. It doesn't happen that fast. It'll take time before you're a part of the group._

"You know, it's probably about time you three get a drink. You've got some catching up to do," Jacob said, having drained his own glass already. "What do you guys want? Ben and I can get it."

Everybody else was drinking alcohol – I mean, that was the whole point of going to a bar, wasn't it? If I ordered a coke or something instead, I'd immediately draw lots of unwanted attention to myself.

"I'll have another beer," Kate said.

"Bella?" Angela turned to me politely.

"Um… I don't know. I don't really like beer," I mumbled to Angela quietly, starting to panic a little.

"Yeah, neither do I. This place has really good cocktails, though. Do you want to get a pitcher to share?" she asked.

"Yeah, that sounds good."

"How about this one? This one's my favorite," she said, pointing to a name on the menu. _Sex on the Beach? Do people really say these names out loud when they order? Christ._

I agreed and Ben and Jacob left to go get our drinks. I'd had alcohol before – it wasn't that big a deal, right? We were all adults. This was perfectly acceptable.

Things got a lot better when they returned. For starters, the cocktail actually tasted pretty good. It was obvious that there was alcohol in it, but it tasted more like juice really so it wasn't bad at all.

I got better and better at making conversation with them as the evening progressed. It turned out that Kate was in one of my classes and Angela really had my back the entire night. She always tried to include me in the conversation, sensing that, as the new kid, I wouldn't feel all that comfortable. Jacob, for some reason, also seemed eager to get to know me, smiling more and more at me with each drained glass.

I had to admit, the alcohol definitely helped. I guess they don't call it liquid courage for nothing. Angela and I both agreed that Ben's jokes were a lot funnier when you were on your second pitcher of cocktails. Conscious that I hadn't had anything to eat since lunch, I tried not to drink too much. Unfortunately, it had been a long time since I'd had any alcohol and I was terrible at guessing my limits.

Who really cared if I got a little tipsy? It's not like we were deliberately getting smashed. That wasn't the point of the evening like it was for so many of my peers. We were just having a little fun. _I_ was actually having fun for once. I really liked all four of them. Kate, who seemed, impossibly, less girly than I was, turned out to be really down-to-earth and had a hilariously dirty mouth. I'd never met a girl like her, so comfortable telling sex jokes with the guys. I'd blushed furiously at first (while Angela just shook her head and chuckled), but I was kind of getting used to her bold sense of humor. I almost admired her brazenness, her honesty.

They were a slightly eccentric collection of people, each with their own little quirks, but that misfit aspect was one of the things that appealed to me most. I could actually see myself being comfortable in this group. The only person I was having trouble with was Jacob, and that was only because he kept looking at me weirdly. If he'd just cut that out, then I was pretty sure I could slowly start to feel comfortable around him too.

I gulped down the rest of my drink contentedly, almost smug at the fact that, although I wasn't a part of the group yet, I could definitely see it happening one day. That was something, wasn't it? Damn right, it was. It was something big and something good. Really, really good.

I set down my empty glass on the table. Jacob kindly refilled it for me.

* * *

"Bella, are you sure you're going to be all right on your own?" Angela asked me for the third time. _Aww… she's so lovely._

"Yes, I'llbe just – just fine, thanks. You stay," I mumbled. It was harder to separate the words than it should have been. I guess I was a little tipsy, but so what? There was no need for Angela to cut her evening short.

"Okay. Thanks for coming out with us. I had so much fun," she said.

"You're coming again next time, aren't you?" Jacob interjected.

"Yep. Sure, that's sound great. But now I really, really have to go. Edward's probably wondering where I am," I mumbled, getting out of my chair carefully and swaying slightly. _Mmm… Edward._

"Why don't you call him so that you don't have to walk back on your own?" Angela suggested.

"Okay. I will. But I'll call him from outside; it's too loud in here."

"I'll wait with you until he shows up. I need a little fresh air," she insisted.

I made my way outside carefully, my feet even less sure than they normally were. Angela gingerly held her arm out as she followed me. I leaned gratefully against the wall when I finally made it outside, and slumped down a little while I dug my phone out of my pocket.

I fumbled with it until I finally managed to call Edward. He picked up immediately.

"Hello? Bella?" he answered urgently.

"Yep, hi. It's me. It's Bella," I slurred. "Hi, Edward." _Mmm… Edward._

"Where are you?" he asked, pronouncing each word slowly. "Are you okay?"

"I'm great, I really, reallyam. I'mat… Angela where are we?" I turned to her and then repeated the name of the bar to Edward. _Mmm… Edward._ "Angela suggested I callyou so that I don't haveto walk back onmy own. But I'm completely fine soif you're busy-"

"No! Bella, listen to me. Stay where you are. Stay with Angela. I'll be right there."

"M'kay," I mumbled and hung up.

Why did my head feel so heavy all of a sudden? I'd been all right when I'd been sitting down, but it was all starting to hit me now. I slumped down until I was sitting on the cold concrete, gratefully resting my head against the wall. Whenever I closed my eyes for too long, my head and shoulders would suddenly feel really heavy, slanting slowly to the left, making me feel unstable.

Suddenly I heard Edward's urgent voice in my ear, his fingers gliding over my hair gently. _Mmm… Edward._

"Bella, love, are you okay?" Wow that was fast! How did he get here so quickly?

"I think she's just a little drunk," Angela told Edward - inaccurately I might add. I wasn't drunk. Isabella Swan drunk? _Yeah, right. _The very idea made me laugh stupidly. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize she had that much to drink."

"She doesn't usually drink. She's not used to it, but she seems really out of it. She's only had alcohol? Nothing else?" Edward asked, fussing with my hair again while I determinedly tried to wriggle into his arms.

"Just alcohol, I promise."

"Okay, thank you for staying with her… Angela, right?"

"Yeah. Nice to meet you, Edward."

"You too. All right, I'm going to take her back to her room now. Thanks again. Bella, love, can you walk?" he asked, pulling me up to stand on my feet uncertainly.

"Ofcourse I can walk, silly. Silly Edward."

"Let's go home then."

"Let's go to bed," I corrected, nuzzling my face into his neck. It always smelled so good there. _Mmm…_

"Home first," he said, prying my arms loose from around his waist.

"So I guess you had fun, huh?" he said, laughing lightly as he slowly led us/pulled me in the direction of my dorm room.

"Yep. I did. For once, I did. It was great. I met two new people. Kate… she's really funny. She's really dirty," I said, bursting into hysterical laughter. "And Jacob."

The arm around me tensed slightly. "Who's Jacob?"

I blinked uncertainly. Why wasn't my tongue working? For that matter, why wasn't my brain working? I had to think really hard before I could string enough words together to answer him.

"He's Ben's friend. He's kind of weird, though. He kept looking at me funny. Then when Angela and Ben went to get drinks and Kate went to the restroom, he said I had pretty eyes."

"He said what?" His grip tightened even more. It was almost a little uncomfortable.

"I know, right? Isn't that crazy? He must be crazy. Or really funny. Or I imagined the whole thing and I'm crazy. That last one is probably the most likely." I started laughing like a lunatic again.

"I see," he growled quietly.

Walking (or I guess shuffling) suddenly became a lot more difficult because there were these really stupid stairs in the way. I fumbled over each step, one step at a time. _Ha! One step at a time. How fucking symbolic._

But then I lost my balance and Edward scooped me up into his arms instead and carried me the rest of the way. I wrapped my arms around him, burrowing my face into his neck.

"I told him… I told him I have an Edward. You know, just in case. Mmm… Edward. He's so kind and good and smart and yummy," I sighed contentedly, searching for his neck with my lips.

"You said that out loud? That you have a boyfriend, that you have… me? Really? You told him that?"

"Yep." I looked around stupidly. When did we get inside my room? Huh. _Oh well, we're closer to the bed. _

I tried to make my way to the bed, hoping I'd find Edward there already. Preferably naked. But the fucking room wouldn't stop spinning. I ran into something solid and clung to it. It clung back.

"Bella. I know this is really bad timing, but I have to say this. I love you."

"That's nice. I love Edward," I said, calmly at first but then, out of nowhere, I suddenly felt myself start to shake. I was finding it incredibly difficult to rein in my emotions. They pulled me, at once in this direction, then abruptly in another, with such force that I felt my knees give out and I crumpled to the floor.

"I love him so much… so much that it's stupid." I couldn't keep track of what was happening, everything was grey and turning black, but I was vaguely aware that someone was crying and it was me. Big fat tears were rolling down my cheeks, choking my words. "I'm stupid… I didn't mean to love him. I promised I wouldn't. It's not safe. It's too not safe. But I love him anyway because I'm such an idiot," I sobbed. "And I don't know what I'm going to do when I lose him… I don't want to be alone again."

Suddenly I was overcome by a moment of horrifying clarity in the darkness. Edward would leave and he'd take all the good things with him. There was no way I'd be able to keep up the "opportunities" on my own. I'd lose my best friend, my boyfriend, even Angela and Ben and Kate and Jacob. It would just be me and the fear and the numbness again.

"You're not going to lose me – him. You'll never be alone again."

"Yes, I will. I'll lose him and all the good things will go away. It'll just be me and the bad things. I don't want to go back to that. I need him," I sniffed, trying to wipe the snot away with my hand.

"Bella, that's not true. That's such bullshit. _You're_ the one doing all the work, I swear. You're so much stronger than you realize. I wish you could see it. You're the one who makes everything happen, love, I promise."

There were urgent words in the background, arms around me, rocking me, comforting me but I could barely feel them. I was already turning numb again.

"No, it's him. I need him. I hate that I need him but it doesn't make any fucking difference because Ican't do any of this without him."

"How long have you felt like this? Why didn't you tell me – him? You should tell him."

"No, no, no, no," I chanted, shaking my head furiously. "He's too good… he'll stay withme when he shouldn't. I don't wanthim to feel guilty. When it's right for him to walk away, I want him to go… he shouldgo. And not look back."

"I'm not going anywhere. I love you. I'm in this, I swear."

I just cried harder.

"Are you listening to me? Do you believe me? I'm going to make you believe it, I promise."

"I think I'm gonna be sick," I groaned.

"Shit. Okay, let's get you into the bathroom."

I groped around with my hands, conveniently finding the toilet and emptying the contents of my stomach into it loudly. Then I promptly passed out.

**

* * *

A/N: So I feel like I should tell you guys a little bit about myself: I hate love triangles and I've always been Team Edward. However, I'm also not planning on portraying Jake as an evil villain (there are no villains in this story). **

**Oh and I found that serious/Sirius joke on the internet – I didn't come up with it myself.**

**One last thing - people's subjects: (prompted by a question from belleartemisia)  
**

**Bella - English major, sociology minor; Edward - economics major, sociology minor; Angela - math major, philosophy minor; Ben - astronomy and physics major; Kate - English major; Jacob - physics major  
**

**Many thanks to thequietlife and Irritable Grizzzly. Also thank you to those of you who review. Thanks again :)**


	24. They hide in pairs

**Disclaimer:**** Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer, not me. The title of this chapter is from "A Martian sends a postcard home" by Craig Raine. **

**Summary of the last few chapters if you need it, since it's been a while**** (I explain what's going on with my updating in the A/N at the bottom): **

**After the double date with Jasper and in particular Bella's immediate dislike of Alice, Bella fears that Edward is trying to "set her up" with Alice. She knows she has no other true friends in her life and, after everything seems to crumble when Edward leaves her alone for a day, she decides that Edward is too entrenched in her life. She is completely convinced that Edward will eventually leave her and realises that she needs a life of her own if she's going to survive it. **

**Thus she decides to try to make some friends by joining an astronomy club, where she meets Angela and Ben. Her new "acquaintances" (she doesn't believe they're friends yet) are a taboo subject between her and Edward (for reasons that will be further explained in the next bundle of chapters) but otherwise everything seems to be going okay. One night, they invite her to go to a bar with them and introduce her to Kate and Jacob. Bella gets drunk and when Edward takes her home, she blurts out that Jacob was "looking at her funny" and said she has pretty eyes, but that she told him she "has an Edward." Edward then tells Bella he loves her and the following drunken confession occurs: **

* * *

"_I love him so much… so much that it's stupid." I couldn't keep track of what was happening, everything was grey and turning black, but I was vaguely aware that someone was crying and it was me. Big fat tears were rolling down my cheeks, choking my words. "I'm stupid… I didn't mean to love him. I promised I wouldn't. It's not safe. It's too not safe. But I love him anyway because I'm such an idiot," I sobbed. "And I don't know what I'm going to do when I lose him… I don't want to be alone again."_

_Suddenly I was overcome by a moment of horrifying clarity in the darkness. Edward would leave and he'd take all the good things with him. There was no way I'd be able to keep up the "opportunities" on my own. I'd lose my best friend, my boyfriend, even Angela and Ben and Kate and Jacob. It would just be me and the fear and the numbness again._

"_You're not going to lose me – him. You'll never be alone again."_

"_Yes, I will. I'll lose him and all the good things will go away. It'll just be me and the bad things. I don't want to go back to that. I need him," I sniffed, trying to wipe the snot away with my hand._

"_Bella, that's not true. That's such bullshit. __You're__ the one doing all the work, I swear. You're so much stronger than you realize. I wish you could see it. You're the one who makes everything happen, love, I promise."_

_There were urgent words in the background, arms around me, rocking me, comforting me but I could barely feel them. I was already turning numb again._

"_No, it's him. I need him. I hate that I need him but it doesn't make any fucking difference because Ican't do any of this without him."_

"_How long have you felt like this? Why didn't you tell me – him? You should tell him."_

"_No, no, no, no," I chanted, shaking my head furiously. "He's too good… he'll stay withme when he shouldn't. I don't wanthim to feel guilty. When it's right for him to walk away, I want him to go… he shouldgo. And not look back."_

"_I'm not going anywhere. I love you. I'm in this, I swear."_

_I just cried harder._

"_Are you listening to me? Do you believe me? I'm going to make you believe it, I promise."_

"_I think I'm gonna be sick," I groaned._

"_Shit. Okay, let's get you into the bathroom."_

_I groped around with my hands, conveniently finding the toilet and emptying the contents of my stomach into it loudly. Then I promptly passed out._

**

* * *

**

I woke up with the worst headache I'd ever had.

"How do you feel?"

I turned my head to squint at the blurry picture of Edward sitting in my desk chair, watching me. I was mildly curious as to what time it was - _it must be really late if Edward actually woke up before I did -_ but I didn't care enough to actually raise my arm and look at my watch.

"Awful," I said emotionlessly, turning my attention to my ceiling. It was just a statement, an observation. It sort of felt like I was taking my temperature and just reporting the results.

"Don't think, okay? Just try to sleep a little more. You need to sleep it off," he said while I blindly stared at my ceiling. I nodded automatically, agreeing even before his words had sunk in enough for me to understand them.

I honestly tried to do what Edward told me to, but I couldn't fall asleep again. It was weird… usually it was the dozens of thoughts buzzing uselessly inside my head that kept me awake, but this time it was different. My mind was actually kind of… blank, eerily silent.

"Do you want anything? Water?"

"No, thank you. I'm gonna go to the bathroom," I mumbled, my voice numb as I got up cautiously. Everything felt heavy and disgusting, but at the same time I wasn't sure whether I cared enough to do anything about it.

"Here," Edward said softly, coming to stand next to me and holding out my pajama shirt.

"Thank you," I responded promptly but then looked down at myself in confusion as I took it from him. I was wearing the top I had worn last night and underwear – nothing else. _Why didn't I put on my pajamas last night? Did Edward take my jeans off? And if he did, when did he do that?_ Significant patches of time seemed to be missing from my memory and the things I could remember I immediately wanted to forget.

I shoved the thoughts away with what little energy I had and entered my bathroom silently, closing the door behind me, but not locking it for once.

I showered slowly. As always, the water was either too hot or too cold, but I didn't care enough to fuss with it until I found an acceptable compromise. I usually preferred 'too hot' but today I let it run cold. It trickled down in shaky trails on my skin.

It felt ticklish and annoying and I wanted to wipe it away with my hand but I forced myself to bear with the discomfort. When it got too cold to stomach, I stepped out and changed into my pajama shirt and a new pair of panties. _Note to self: sleeping in a bra is really uncomfortable. Oh, and good move keeping some spare underwear in the bathroom since that first night the physical stuff reached the next level._

Then I brushed my teeth as thoroughly as I could. It was a nice mechanical chore and I tried my best to prolong it. Not knowing what to do next or having any desire to do anything at all, I just went back to bed when I was done, lying on my side and choosing to stare at my closet this time.

"Here, drink this," Edward said after a minute (an hour?), handing me a glass.

"Thank you." I probably should've asked what it was, but I didn't. I just drank it. He took it from me when I finished, set it down on my desk, and kneeled by my bed, stroking my hair pensively.

Then my eyes met his directly for the first time today and it suddenly felt like someone had turned the sound back on. It was a sobering shock to see how worried he looked. I couldn't quite put my finger on why, but I hadn't expected him to look so concerned. It kind of reminded me of how surprised I always felt to hear my mother sound excited to talk to me when she called.

He started getting up, but I grabbed his hand to stop him without thinking. I clutched his hand in both of mine and kissed it frantically, desperate to touch every inch of his skin with my lips. It just seemed terribly important right now and I pushed back the urge to burst into defeated tears so that I could concentrate on my task. I wasn't sure how long I kept at it and I didn't really care anyway. Time didn't seem to exist for me today.

I tugged on his arm, trying to pull him into bed with me. He looked reluctant for a second, but then scrambled in next to me without hesitation, tossing his shirt on the floor and kicking off his jeans urgently. It was probably just wishful thinking on my part, just me tainting things until they looked the way I wanted them to, but he seemed almost as desperate as I was in that moment.

Our arms were immediately around each other, constantly shifting and pulling, trying to get the little bit closer that seemed to make so much difference. There were insistent kisses on my face and neck, greedy arms around my waist.

We both started speaking at the same time, the words spilling out messily.

"Edward, can we please just-"

"Let's take the day off. Please, Bella."

"Thank you," I mumbled, returning every touch and kiss as best I could. I didn't know how long it took but eventually the urgency faded a little, our arms finally satisfied enough to stop wandering.

"Try to sleep," Edward whispered, smoothing back my hair again.

I nodded and tried to find my comfortable spot on his chest. I drifted in and out of sleep, mercifully not dreaming.

* * *

Edward shifting brought me back to consciousness yet again. I didn't know what time it was, but the absence of the sliver of light coming through the curtains told me that the sun had fled the sky, going off alone somewhere to die.

It must have been really late because I felt a lot better, my head no longer throbbing painfully. I was starting to worry that Edward wasn't sleeping, though. Every time I woke up, he was awake too.

"You okay?" I whispered.

"Yeah, just can't sleep. Sorry I woke you," he replied, kissing my forehead again.

"Don't worry about it. Am I hurting your arm?" I asked, moving away from his chest in case the position had become painful for him.

It took us forever to get comfortable again. We'd never had this problem before. It was definitely the first time I'd seen Edward have problems falling asleep. The boy could sleep anywhere, anytime.

We finally found a position that worked for Edward.

"Bella… just… like this. Is this okay? Are you uncomfortable?"

Well… yeah. How could I not be? He was holding me like I used to hold my teddy bears when I was younger. Plus, I didn't know what to do with my right arm.

"No, I'm fine. Just… there," I said, extracting my right arm and placing it under the pillow.

It was a little strange. I felt a weird kind of responsibility in this position… like it was my job to make sure he fell asleep first. I kept checking to make sure the covers were over him. I didn't want him to be cold. He had a habit of letting his leg hang off the side of the bed, and then he'd bring it back in the middle of the night, freezing cold.

When I was sure that he was finally asleep, I let my eyes close as well.

* * *

The next time we woke up, we were both starving.

"I can go cook something," I told Edward, extricating myself from his hold reluctantly.

"You don't have to. We can order something – I'll go pick it up."

"I don't think that's an option," I said, checking my watch. I would've happily done whatever he decided, but I doubted anything would be open right now. "It's 4 am. I think we've messed up our sleeping patterns. I'll go make something."

It was kind of weird having pasta for dinner at 4 am but Edward didn't complain so it was fine with me.

After our bizarre dinner, we both showered, but even after we were done, it still seemed far too early to do anything.

"Let's just go back to bed," Edward muttered, his arms immediately encircling me again. _Thank God._ Neither of us was tired anymore, but cuddling with Edward was the only thing I actually felt like doing. I so wanted to just stay in bed forever, stuck in some wonderful Groundhog Day scenario where we got to repeat our day off over and over and over, hiding in our little cocoon.

"You smell really good again," I sighed, snuggling further into him.

"Again?" he teased.

"Oh. Sorry. I didn't mean it as an insult," I rambled when it clicked that I had just implied he'd smelled bad before we both showered.

He hadn't smelled awful or anything… but we'd spent all day in bed and we were both kind of sweaty and disgusting, so of course he hadn't smelled as good as he usually did.

"I know. You smell good again too," he said, laughing lightly and continuing to play with my hair. It occurred to me that this was the first time I'd heard him laugh or seen a genuine smile today. I guess I was better at this whole denial thing than he was. That wasn't at all surprising – I'd had a lot more practice over the years, taking plenty of days off just to cope with everyday existence.

"I'd like to think that we're past that now, Bella," he began, growing serious again, "that we now both feel comfortable voicing what we do and don't like. For example, I really like holding you. I love holding you," he whispered, his arms tightening a little around me. "I don't like it when you forget your phone is on silent and don't answer for hours. That drives me crazy."

He kissed me on the lips before I could apologize, probably trying to make sure that I didn't take this too seriously. I don't know what it was… our faces were just so close together. I could feel his warm breath on my cheek. Maybe it was because he was doing that thing where it felt like he was constantly smiling at me with his eyes. Either way, I managed not to overreact. I tried to just take as many notes as possible so I could avoid doing the things he didn't like in the future.

"Your turn," he whispered, kissing me softly again.

I didn't really want to play this game right now but Edward did, so I told myself to shut up. "I…I love it when you hold me. I feel warm and safe," I mumbled, trying to maintain eye contact despite my predictable blush. He kissed me again, but then continued to silently stare at me, nudging me to continue with the next part of the exercise. I bit my lip trying to think of something I could actually say out loud.

"Bella, I don't like it when you bite your lip. It almost always means you're holding something back. I love it when you let go. When you just start ranting or rambling – I feel like I'm listening to your thoughts," Edward interrupted my deliberations and I immediately stopped chewing on my bottom lip. I tried to apologize again, but Edward kissed me again before I could. "I've gone twice now, so it's definitely your turn."

_Jesus, Bella. Just toughen up a little. Edward wants you to do this, so just do it._

"Okay. So I already said that I like it when you hold me," I said hesitantly, counting how many good and bad things I was supposed to offer now that Edward had gone twice.

"I don't like it when you tease me while we're supposed to be studying." I decided to offer another bad thing next, wanting to end on a good note, and tried to come up with something more personal, because I was pretty sure that Edward already knew I didn't like being teased when I was trying to concentrate.

"Um. I don't like when we're doing… stuff… and you move away sometimes to make it easier, I guess," I mumbled, blushing furiously again. "I prefer when I can feel you lying next to me, or you're kissing me. I understand why you move away, but I prefer it when you're next to me."

"Okay. We can experiment with different positions. Thank you for telling me," he said, holding my chin gently so that I wouldn't look away.

I nodded and quickly started speaking again, relieved to get back to the good things. "I like it when you text me during the day for no reason."

Technically my turn was over now because I had already told him four things, but the good things were so much easier by comparison, that I added another one. "I like it when you kiss my neck."

"I've noticed," he chuckled, starting to sprinkle kisses along my neck mischievously.

"I like it when you play with my hair. I don't like it when you pull it," he mumbled into my neck.

The good things seemed to get more and more intimate as the game continued, the atmosphere turning almost playful. I don't think Edward had meant it to be, err… sexual… but it was difficult to keep our minds out of the gutter when we were securely intertwined, warm and relaxed, kissing and touching under the covers.

And why shouldn't we? Escaping was the one thing I was a goddamn expert at and as long as Edward didn't object, I was going to enjoy what was left of our day off. I just wanted to forget the last few weeks, forget everything and concentrate on the boy in my bed, for as long as possible, forever if it were possible. He was far more important than my fragile ego. Why couldn't we go back to when it had been just the two of us, comfortable in our little corner?

_I care about him so much. He cares about me. That should be it. The end._

"I like it when you kiss my chest," Edward whispered into my neck, his hands continuing to roam freely.

_Really?_ As it so happened, I loved doing that.

I nudged his shoulders until he was lying flat on his back and started kissing his collarbone and down his chest conscientiously.

_One kiss here, one kiss there…. Two here, definitely. Okay, three._

His body wasn't pure defined muscle, or whatever they call it in magazines. He was soft in places. But I liked those places. A lot. I liked the fact that he was a normal guy, who skipped the gym sometimes to watch stupid movies with me. I liked his imperfections. They made him seem so much more real to me.

I hesitated when I got to his… err…

_Jesus, Bella. You're supposed to be an adult. Just say it._

Okay, I hesitated when I got to his _nipples._ _There I said it._

Was I supposed to kiss them too? I'd always just sort of avoided them…

"Um… do you like that?" I asked, placing a tentative kiss on his left, err… on the left one. It felt different beneath my lips but it was a good different.

"Yes," he whispered.

Relieved that he liked it, I resumed my kisses. His chest was definitely one of my favorite places to kiss. And I liked how he'd always keep his hand on one of my arms, tracing absent-minded semi-circles with his thumb.

When I reached his belly button, I hesitated again. There was a small trail of hair leading down and into his boxers.

_I've never kissed him there before._

"Do you want me to kiss… lower?" I whispered to his stomach, watching the muscles play as he breathed in and out.

"Is that a trick question?"

I shook my head quietly and placed another little kiss above his belly button, too scared to look up and see his expression. _What if he says no?_

"Yes," he finally whispered, swallowing loudly, and I shifted my body down to make it easier for myself. "But only if you want to," he added quickly, as an afterthought.

I didn't say anything. I just started kissing down to his boxers again, trying desperately to stay calm. We both seemed to be holding our breath.

_Edward wants you to do this, so just toughen up and do it. And stop being so freaking nervous, you already know what's down there._

I kissed him over his boxers, tiny little kisses, hoping that I could get through it if I just went really, really slowly. It didn't feel bad at all. I actually kind of liked the way the material of his boxers felt under my lips.

I tugged his boxers down gently, and he lifted up so I could shimmy his boxers down his body until I got them all the way off. I met his eyes and offered him a small smile before I resumed my earlier position. He returned it, his thumb restarting the comforting semi-circles on my forearm, and we both started breathing again.

_Okay. Relax, Bella. You've googled this. You're as prepared as you'll ever be. __Don't __think about how weird this is. __Don't__ think about the fact that technically, this is what he uses to pee and you're actually going to put it in your mouth. __Don't__ think about what you'll look like while you're doing it. __Do__ think about the fact that he just showered. __Do__ think about all the delicious little sounds he'll make if he likes it. __Do__ think about the fact that Edward wants you to do this. _

I tried to discreetly spit into my hand, touching him the way I knew he liked until I managed to talk myself into continuing.

_Okay, here we go. _

I lowered my lips to mini-Edward slowly. I think Edward and I were both holding our breath again. Just before my lips were about to make contact, I stopped and pulled back. "Should we use a um… you know protection? I mean, I know girls can't get pregnant from this but…do you have any?" I mumbled, trying to look at him as little as possible.

"Um… yeah, there should be a condom in my bag. We can use it if you want, but I'm completely healthy and you're healthy, so it's also safe without it. But I can get it if you want…" he said, his voice a little unsteady around the edges.

_Are you really just going to take his word for it? You know for a fact that he's not a virgin… _I probably should've asked more questions, but I didn't. I trusted Edward. He'd tell me if we needed to use protection. And we'd already done stuff and nothing horrible had happened.

"Is it better for you without it?"

"Well… yeah, it is better," he admitted quietly.

I think there was a part of me that would have preferred to use a condom the first time (even though it didn't sound like it would taste very nice), but if we didn't need to and if Edward liked it better without one… "Okay," I whispered, lowering my face again.

I tried not to, but I couldn't. "Edward," I blurted out, stopping again at the last second.

"Yes, love?" he replied, his voice even more strained now. I knew I was driving him crazy, and not in a good way, but I couldn't help it.

"Will you keep talking? You know, tell me what you like and what you don't so I know I'm doing it right…" I knew he didn't need to verbalize how it felt like I did, to avoid getting distracted by my thoughts, but I was hoping he'd do it anyway.

"Okay, um… I like the view," he said, rubbing my forearm with his thumb again. "I'm a little nervous, but I'm excited… obviously…" he mumbled, sounding a little embarrassed.

Feeling a lot better now that I knew he'd tell me if I did something he didn't like, I finally brushed my lips against the tip, kissing him there timidly. Encouraged by his shaky breathing, I tried to do what that website said I was supposed to, slowly taking a little bit of mini-Edward into my mouth and sucking gently.

"That feels really good," he stuttered, his breathing still shaky.

The overwhelming sense of joy I felt when he said that for the first time was beyond pathetic, but I didn't care. _Ah, yes. That's the reason why I want to do this._

"Um… that's err… that doesn't feel as good," he said carefully.

"Sorry." _Okay, just fix it and keep going. _I tried to make a mental note of what I had done wrong without letting it get to me too much.

"It's okay."

I had to pause often and I couldn't take the whole thing in my mouth. I knew it probably wasn't the best blow job he'd ever had in comparison to the more experienced girls he'd been with, but I was trying to go slow and be careful. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him. _I also don't want to throw up on him or bite him or something._ I really couldn't risk being overambitious. Hopefully, he understood and would let me practice this until I got the hang of it.

I slowly got more into it and it started to feel less weird. I was actually kind of enjoying it a little?

It didn't taste bad and I found myself strangely liking how it felt. He was warm and hard, but also soft. And God, I loved his quiet moans and the sound of his breathing as it grew more laboured.

I was even starting to feel a little more adventurous, so I ventured lower, like the website suggested.

"That feels so… so amazing, Bella," he panted, tangling his hand into my hair, and my heart swelled.

It got easier as the minutes passed by. He groaned loudly and I peeked up at him without thinking, beaming inwardly at the raw pleasure on his face, and then quickly looking back down again.

I didn't know if it was weird or wrong to feel this way, but I craved every shaky word of approval, every little sound that told me I was making him feel good. And how it felt when his hand would clench a little in my hair… God.

"That's… fuck…" he whispered. "I love that."

The thrill that shot through me when I heard him actually curse because of something I was doing was unfortunately overshadowed by my temporary confusion. I hesitated, unsure what I had done differently that he liked so much.

"I mean when you, err… I really like it when you look at me," he whispered, sounding embarrassed again.

I tried really hard not to roll my eyes at the universe. _Of course_ the thing that Edward loves is also the most difficult for me to do. _Why on earth does he want me to look at him right now?_ I mean it was one thing to look at him when I was just touching him and our faces were close together, but this was different.

_But if he likes it…_ _God. Okay. Don't think about what you look like. He obviously likes the "view," otherwise he wouldn't be asking you to do this. Think about how you'll get to watch his face now. Is there anything better than seeing Edward's face twist in pure pleasure because of something you're doing?_

He wanted me to do it so I did it. I looked up, trying desperately not to look away. The eye contact made everything feel even more intimate. It almost felt like… worship. And… well, I kind of liked it. I wanted to forget the world and just dedicate myself to making him feel good. Everything else could wait forever, as far as I was concerned.

Everything happened so quickly, I didn't even have time to think about it. I guess Edward wasn't kidding that he liked me looking up at him, because he started breathing even more heavily. Then his hips suddenly lifted up slightly and his hand tightened in my hair, pulling my head down a little. It wasn't forceful or rough at all… but it was definitely new and I panicked.

I pulled my mouth away and tried to get up instinctively, but something was preventing me from doing so completely and it hurt like hell. "Ow," I blurted out, trying to squirm away despite the pain. Naturally, that just made everything worse.

"Shit. Bella hold still for a second."

I felt like such an idiot when I finally figured out what had happened. My hair had gotten caught on his wrist watch.

"Come here," he said as he carefully tried to help me sit up without moving his hand too much.

_I'm such an idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. _I chanted it over and over to myself as Edward tried to gently untangle my hair, cursing quietly under his breath.

When I was finally free, he smoothed my hair down and pulled me into a tight hug. "I'm so sorry, Bella. Shit. I'm so sorry. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

He pulled away and just shook his head, scraping his hand through his own hair. I'd expected him to laugh, make a joke out of it and move us forward like he always did. The last thing I expected was to see him looking so upset. He almost looked… defeated. It made me snap out of my own self-deprecating thoughts. It felt like someone had dumped a bucket of cold water over my head.

"Don't worry, I'm fine." I wrapped my arms around him, desperate to somehow make him feel better. "What's wrong?" I asked. I pushed everything away so that I could just focus on him.

He just shook his head again, rubbing his hand over his face. "I don't know… I just can't seem to do anything right lately. I shouldn't have let you do this today of all days. I'm sorry," he whispered, turning to look at me with guilty eyes. "Does it still hurt?"

"No, it doesn't hurt. I'm fine. We're fine," I insisted, rubbing his back in what I hoped was a soothing manner. "I don't regret doing this, I promise. I wanted to do it. Look, just take this off," I said, undoing the clasp on his watch and sliding it off his wrist. "There. Problem solved. You can have that back when we're done."

"I don't like it when you're upset," I told him when he didn't say anything for a while. I kissed his cheek and his jaw and all over his face, trying to bring him back.

"Right back at you," he whispered, hugging me tightly again.

"Come on, you have to admit that it was little bit funny," I said. "I'd ask if it's my turn to pull your hair now, but you already told me you're not into that sort of thing."

Little by little, I managed to get him to smile. I think I was finally starting to realize that things didn't have to be perfect. Fumbling through my first time was okay, as long as we kept trying.

That and I didn't want our day off to end like this. _I don't want it to end at all._

It took longer to get him to lie back down again and let me continue what we had started, but eventually, I managed that too. I felt this irrational sense of achievement when I felt him harden again in my mouth.

I didn't like how guarded he was this time, though. He even put his hands underneath his back. I pulled away and reached to grab one of his hands, placing it in my hair again. I put the tip of mini-Edward in my mouth once more, but deliberately held still. I gave myself a quick pep talk, looked up at him and waited.

He hesitantly brought his other hand down to my hair and started slowly guiding my head up and down, his breathing becoming heavy again quickly, strings of hushed curse words and moans filling the room.

Like before, my first instinct was to pull away, to fight the fact that someone else was in control of my movements, because it was fucking terrifying, but I didn't. It was stupid but I kept thinking about this article that I'd read ages ago. It said that you can't just decide that you're sick of making decisions and hand that power over to someone else because they're smarter than you – the law won't protect that kind of relationship. Only… well, it sounded kind of intriguing in theory… at least it did today… the freedom of not being responsible, of just following. It might actually help people like me who suck at life.

I don't know… there was just something about letting Edward physically guide my movements and set the pace, something about relinquishing control to him. I trusted him, even when his hips started slightly lifting up again and I almost started to panic again, I managed to keep myself calm because I knew Edward was in control now and he knew what he was doing. He always knew best. I'd finally learned my lesson last night.

Edward knew how to do all this stuff – the physical stuff, the emotional stuff, just life in general. He knew how to do it and I obviously didn't.

_It's time to stop fighting him. _

If I hadn't been such a stubborn, selfish idiot and invited him to come to the bar with me last night, none of this would've happened. He'd hinted that he would come if I'd just invited him – a part of him had probably known that I'd make a mess of everything without him and, naturally, that's exactly what I ended up doing. But I knew better now. It was obvious that I needed him with me – he had been right to want to come because I couldn't do it without him. I was just going to listen to him from now on.

"God… Bella," he groaned, pushing me away urgently.

I was grateful that he pushed me away because I'd had a lot of firsts already, and this was something that could definitely wait for another time. I grabbed some tissues from my bedside table and cleaned him up when it was over. I still wanted to be close to him, so I lied down next to him, curling into his side quietly.

He put his arm around me and kissed my forehead, but I couldn't ignore that god-awful feeling of dread anymore. I wasn't stupid – I knew giving him a blow job wouldn't magically fix everything, but the physical intimacy felt reassuring. I had been hoping that if we managed to finish what we'd started, we could go back to the warm, almost carefree atmosphere of our day off. Unfortunately, it hadn't worked. Ever since the watch incident, the tension had returned. I could feel the implications of the last few weeks closing in on us, despite Edward's arms around me.

After several long moments (or several long hours?), Edward fractured the silence.

"I don't like it when you shut me out."

And just like that, our day off was over. It had been far too brief; those days always are. I knew that he was talking about the club and my "friendship" with Angela and Ben. I sighed and nodded heavily, the movement making me feel suddenly exhausted.

**

* * *

A/N: Please don't read too much into what Bella says at the end of this chapter. Obviously Bella has learned the wrong lesson, but it's just her initial, knee-jerk reaction. She feels defeated immediately after the debacle last night and she wants to give up. They will talk about it though and we'll see their full reactions to what happened/what Bella can remember in the next bundle of chapters. **

**Explanation time: I'm sorry. Some of you already know why I haven't updated in ages – I'm writing several chapters at the moment (it's going relatively well) which I want to post together when they're ready, all at the same time. I decided to post this one separately after running it by the people on the Twilighted thread. I think, as it's a "day off", it can sort of stand alone and it gives me a chance to explain myself without a fake-out chapter. I'm going to try to speed up – I'm sorry it's taking so long. Thanks for reading and thank you to thequietlife and Irritable Grizzzly. :)**


	25. A minor earthquake

**Chapter Title: A minor earthquake **

**Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**

**A/N: I've tried to make both Bella and Edward flawed, complicated individuals. I'm sorry if you don't like these chapters, I know some of you won't. Obviously, I hope you do. **

_**Last chapter:**__ After several long moments (or several long hours?), Edward fractured the silence. _

"_I don't like it when you shut me out."_

_And just like that, our day off was over. It had been far too brief; those days always are. I knew that he was talking about the club and my "friendship" with Angela and Ben. I sighed and nodded heavily, the movement making me feel suddenly exhausted._

* * *

I sat up and took a deep breath, trying, unsuccessfully, to prepare myself while Edward got dressed. Now that I knew for certain our day off was over and we were definitely going to talk about this, I was anxious to get started as quickly as possible.

"I know, Edward. I-"

I was interrupted by my phone.

I would've been perfectly content to let it buzz impatiently until the person gave up, but Edward turned to collect it from my bedside table. He glanced at it briefly before handing it to me silently.

"It's from Jake," I said, my brow wrinkling in confusion. When did we exchange phone numbers? I vaguely remembered Kate suggesting we all get each other's numbers, but I couldn't actually remember doing it. I also had an older text from Angela I must not have heard before.

"He wants to know if I'm still alive. Angela wants to know the same thing, but she phrased it a little differently."

I tried really hard to block out the flood of memories that came rushing back from that night. I shook my head, hoping it would somehow help, and offered the phone to Edward in case he wanted to read the texts for himself. Edward and I were finally about to talk, so I decided to wait until later to respond.

He took my phone from me and quickly read the short texts. Since I was about to tell him everything anyway, there didn't seem much point in not letting him see them if he wanted to.

"I don't like you hanging out with this guy," he mumbled, placing the phone back on the table a little too forcefully. I was a bit surprised by his reaction. He looked… really irritated.

"Did you meet him? I don't remember that." This whole 'too drunk to remember' thing really sucked. It was just another way for life to make me feel inferior, like everyone else knew more than I did.

I definitely didn't remember Edward meeting Jake. What could have possibly happened between them to make Edward dislike him so much so quickly?

The only person I remembered Edward meeting was Angela. (Then again everything after that was a muddy blur, so who knows?) _Stupid fucking universe._ _Of course_ I wouldn't conveniently forget that. That particular memory was burned into my skull. Another one of those god-awful stains on my mind that I'd give anything to scrub away.

I hadn't been ready for Edward to meet Angela yet, and it hadn't exactly happened the way I'd secretly wanted it to. I wanted to introduce my boyfriend to my friends like a normal person. Instead I was slumped over and drooling against the wall while my almost-potential-one-day-could-be friend actually _apologized_ to Edward because I'd_ voluntarily_ had too much to drink. An actual apology! From one babysitter to another.

"No, I didn't meet Jake," Edward interrupted my thoughts. He put a strange emphasis on Jake's name – it almost sounded like a sneer, "But I don't need to. I know the type. Guys like him are only interested in one thing."

"If you didn't meet him, then how could you possibly know that?" I was more confused than anything else.

"You told me! You said he hit on you that night!" he huffed angrily.

"Oh… Oh God!" I cringed, letting my head fall into my hands. I didn't remember telling Edward about Jake's funny looks, but I sure as hell remembered thinking that he was maybe… I don't know… coming onto me or something.

It sounded so fucking stupid now. Completely ridiculous. "Ugh. Edward, no. It was the stupid alcohol. God, I'm never drinking again."

I shut my eyes as tightly as I could, hoping that would somehow make the memories go away. It didn't. "He was just being nice and I was being a total psycho and I misinterpreted everything. God knows what I said to him… I made a complete ass out of myself."

"Don't do that. Don't re-interpret everything now," he said, forcing me to lift my head and meet his eyes again. "If you thought that jerk was hitting on you, then I _know _he was, but guys like him... you can't trust them, Bella. He just wants to get inside your pants."

"I'm telling you that I overreacted. Like I always do. What you're saying is ridiculous." I was starting to get a little irritated.

_Nice, Bella. It hasn't even been half an hour and you're already going back on your decision to listen to him._

However… listening to him when he knew more than I did was one thing, but how could Edward tell me who had or hadn't hit on me that night, when he wasn't even there? He didn't know Jake _at all_.

"No, it's not. He's a guy, and that's what guys want," he stated emphatically.

"You're a guy. It's not what you want."

"_Of course_ it's what I want," he snapped at me, exaggerating every word as if what he was saying was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Edward, I want to talk about this and tell you everything, but you're confusing the hell out of me."

He exhaled roughly, standing up and pacing in frustration.

"Bella, _of course_ I want to get inside your pants," he clarified, scraping his hand through his hair, "But when I get there, I'm planning on staying there, so this jerk is going to have to find his own pants," he grumbled under his breath. I wasn't sure if his words were even aimed at me anymore. They didn't even make sense.

"Bella, look," he tried again, seeming to remember that I was still in the room, "I'm telling you this as a guy. Even if you've told him you have a boyfriend, you still have to be careful around guys like that. The more I think about it, the more I don't like the idea of you hanging out with him."

"So what you're saying is… I'm not allowed to be friends with Jake?" That was a little hypocritical, wasn't it? I never asked him to stop hanging out with Alice, even though I didn't like her.

"No, that's not what I'm saying. It's what I wish I could say, but it's not what I'm saying," he muttered, talking to himself again.

I was starting to feel really weird. "Is that why you want to come with me to the club? You have absolutely no interest in astronomy. So, what? You want to keep an eye on me. You don't trust me," I stated. It didn't even sound like my voice. It sounded numb and uncertain.

"How can you think that? I know the shit with your parents doesn't help, but don't you know how much I care for you? I'd never..." I managed to choke out, my voice seeming to come to life again. The idea that I could actually cheat on Edward… it was completely nonsensical.

A part of me wanted to get mad. This was obviously about his father possibly cheating on his mother and he was transferring it all onto me.

Another part of me, however… that omnipresent voice... was quick to point out that maybe it was about me. _He wouldn't feel so insecure if you told him how much he means to you more often, if you showed him more often_.

I didn't know which side was right. I was starting to think that maybe this was just a part of Edward and I'd have to accept that. He'd done this before – last time he'd seemed a little too jealous about some random guy kissing me on the cheek years ago.

"Bella, I do trust you. I do. Look, I know I'm overreacting a little, but..." he sighed, stopping his pacing and sliding down the wall to sit on the floor. It seemed like he was calming down.

"But what?" I asked, getting up and going to sit next to him on the floor. I stretched my pajama shirt over my bent knees, staring at it more intently than necessary.

"But you don't even believe that he hit on you now! You think he was being _nice_?! I know you'd never do anything intentionally… I'm not accusing you, I swear. I just think you need to be careful. Don't let him – or anyone for that matter – talk you into doing anything you don't want to do."

"So you trust me not to do anything deliberately, but you still think I'm so naïve that I'll mess everything up if you're not there with me." It was more of a statement than an accusation. _It's not like he's wrong. That's exactly what you did._

"Fuck. That's not what I think."

"Not even a little?" I whispered, turning to search his eyes. I felt eerily calm, almost cold.

A very familiar charged silence hung over us, like a shirt that was just a little too tight. We just stared at each other for a long moment, listening to each other's uncertain breaths. I wasn't sure what it was – a stalemate? No. It was more like that moment – those few seconds before you decide which path you're going to take. Do you tell the whole truth, even though it's ugly? Even though you know it's not what the other person wants to hear?

Edward was always telling me that I could do it, that he believed in me… Was he going to confess now that maybe he had his doubts, just like I did?

"Okay… a little," he finally admitted. "I don't mean to sound like a jerk, but you are a little inexperienced and you've got horrible self-esteem and that makes you kind of easy to manipulate. I should know..." he broke off, turning away and tugging at his hair in frustration again. I knew he probably had a lot more that he wanted to say and I wanted him to say it. _Of course_ he had doubts – any rational person would.

"Just say it. Say what you want to say. It's okay. I agree with you. I wanted to believe that I could handle it on my own, but you were right all along, Edward. I should've listened. You were right that I needed you there. I'm sorry. I know I can't do it without you. I was stupid to even try, but I know better now. That's why you wanted to come with me. You were just trying to help. You knew that I need you there with me."

I knew the easiest way to fix the whole Jake issue. Even though he wasn't asking me to, if Edward didn't like me hanging out with him, then I should've just promised him that I wouldn't. I wanted to. I wanted to swear to him that I'd never hang out with Jake, or any of them again if he didn't want me to, but the words caught in my throat.

_You've already decided that Edward knows more than you do. Just do what he thinks is best. God knows you can't trust your own judgement, Bella._

But... But Jake was part of the group. If I couldn't hang out with him, then I'd never become close friends with Angela and Ben. I was pretty sure my drunken escapade had probably ruined my chances anyway, but I still couldn't make myself give up the possibility.

I just couldn't promise _that_.

Still, if he wanted to always be there when Jake was around… well, it was a moot point, but if he thought I needed him there, then I knew he was right. I was about to tell him that when he started speaking again.

"Bella," he sighed after a long pause, "This is all coming out wrong. The reason I wanted to come with you is that all of this is a really big deal for you and I don't want to miss it."

He paused a moment, like what he was about to say next was difficult.

"Okay, I won't lie… that's _one_ reason," he began again, correcting himself. "It's not the only reason, but I swear it's the _main_ reason," he mumbled, breaking away from my gaze and fidgeting with his fingers uncomfortably.

"Okay, so, I'm also a little… jealous… and a lot worried that something bad will happen and… I got kind of used to having you all to myself and now you've got all these new people in your life. There are so many variables now…" He broke off, exhaled shakily and turned to meet my eyes again.

"But I don't think that you'll mess everything up if I'm not there. I mean, I do think that I can help you stay on track and avoid a few obvious blunders. I think I can make the transition a lot easier for you in the short-run. But in the long-run… I know you'll figure it out and be just fine." He turned away from me again, staring at the wall instead. "I think the scariest part is that I know that you _don't_ need me."

I wanted to disagree about that last part, but I kept quiet. I wanted him to just get it all out.

"A part of me knows that I should've tried to stay out of it. I've never actually invited you to meet any of _my_ friends... only Mike… You've never met Eric. Or Tyler. Or Paul," he mumbled almost guiltily.

"So what? You knew that I wasn't ready to meet them. You were just protecting me," I told him, shifting closer to him and hugging one of his arms. I wanted him to get all of this stuff out, because I was hoping it would make him feel better, not worse.

"Yeah, but I decided it for you. I should've asked you if you wanted to meet them so we could decide together, but I didn't. I baby you too much. You tried to tell me that I was helping you too much, but I didn't listen. I kept pushing. I even… I even tried to guilt you into letting me go with you because I thought it was for the best. I tried to manipulate you like I did my mother." He shook his head, the next words spilling out in a rush. "I thought it was okay because I could help you. I didn't realize how you felt about it until that night."

"Wait - what? So those times when you sounded sad that I didn't invite you – you were faking?" I asked uncertainly. It wasn't an accusation. I was just trying to understand what he was telling me.

If he really had been faking the whole time…

It didn't make me feel mad, just scared. As much as I appreciated, and even needed, everything he did for me, on some level I was also a little scared of how much experience he had dealing with people. I'd always suspected the pet names and jokes had an ulterior motive behind them. Did he have more tricks that I didn't know about? Other ways of getting me to calm down or agree with him? He was so good with people… and he knew me so well… it was a little scary every time I remembered just how much power he had over me.

"No, not faking. Maybe just exaggerating a tiny bit..." he mumbled, still not meeting my eyes. "I thought I could help and… we weren't talking and I didn't know what was going on…" His guilty tone suddenly turned defensive. "And you're not the only one who's scared, you know. I'm scared too."

"Of what?" I asked. This conversation was such a roller coaster, emotion after emotion being thrown at me. We were back to confusion now. What could Edward, of all people, be scared of?

He looked so uncomfortable that I wanted to take the question back. He wasn't looking at me, and just fidgeted with his shirt. He seemed so… small. I wondered if that was how I looked when I was struggling to get something out. I rubbed his arm with my hand, trying to be as patient with him as he always was with me.

He seemed so unbreakable most of the time. This was not one of those times.

"Losing you, okay?" he finally mumbled, still staring at the wall, his voice trembling a little. "I don't know why you think it's just you, because it's not."

"Edward," I sighed, hugging his arm tighter and trying to get him to look at me again. _He_ was afraid of losing _me_? He definitely had that the wrong way around. "That's not going to happen. How could that possibly happen?"

"You'd be surprised how many different possibilities I've come up with. You're going to realize one day that you have options and that you don't need me and then… I don't know what will happen then," he whispered. He sounded a little embarrassed, but at least he finally met my eyes.

I shifted closer and he pulled me towards him until I was sitting sideways on his lap, one arm around his neck, the other wandering his side in what I hoped was a reassuring manner.

"Then I'd still care for you just as much as I do now," I told him, trying to make my voice as strong as possible and kissing the corner of his frown. "I'll be here until you get sick of me, I promise."

He turned and kissed me back then – a slow, needy kiss that we finally had to break when we both ran out of air.

"I don't know how I turned into the clingy girl in this relationship," he joked, trying to lighten the atmosphere a little.

I offered a lame joke in return that I'd heard on a TV show about whether that made us lesbians, but I knew Edward better than that. The jokes were a natural defense for him and we'd already decided that neither of us was allowed to hide today. We still had a lot of serious ground to cover. However, it felt like we both needed a short time-out, so I let us stay huddled together in the corner of my room in comfortable, but slightly tense, quiet.

"What did you mean when you said that I think I'm the only one who's scared of losing you?" I asked Edward after a few long moments.

"You said something that night before you passed out. You don't remember, do you?"

"No. I'm sorry – the inside of my head is a complete mess right now. There's fragments of memories, then dark patches. It feels like everything's in the wrong order. Did I mention that I'm never drinking again?"

"Been there," he chuckled. "You were a funny drunk though," he said, smiling at me and tucking a strand of hair behind my ear, before abruptly turning serious again. "Well, at least before you got upset. _That_ wasn't funny."

He sighed and traced my bottom lip with his thumb. "Do you want me to tell you what you said? I told myself I wouldn't bring it up, but I'm through deciding things for you. No more, I promise. You don't need me to baby you. I'm just going to do what I want now and let the chips fall where they may. It's your decision. Do you want to know what you said?"

"I do, but not right now. I want to tell you something first. It's my turn."

I didn't like the idea of not knowing, but it sounded bad and I wanted to tell him something good first.

_Deep breath, Bella._ He had told me what was going on in his head and it was my turn now.

"I think this is my fault. Okay, partly my fault," I corrected when he threw me a pointed glance. "I don't tell you enough how much you mean to me."

I tried to get up, but Edward's arms tightened around me.

"Just give me a moment; I want to get this right." He let me up so I could take my turn pacing, trying to figure out the best way to word it all.

"Meeting Angela and joining that club has changed a lot of things for me, but it hasn't changed the way I feel about you," I began slowly, deliberately.

"I'm just going to start at the beginning, okay? Hopefully some of this will make sense," I thought aloud. There were so many reasons that it was difficult to untangle them all, but I wanted to tell him everything, every reason I had.

"Joining that club… at first it was because of Alice. It seems like you really want us to be friends, but I can't be myself around her. I thought that maybe if I had other friends, it would be enough. I'd still be someone who sort of had a life of her own, someone with friends, the type of girl you deserve, even though I couldn't make it work with Alice.

"I didn't want you to come because I didn't want you to have to do it all for me. I feel like I take too much from you. I didn't want you to have to do all the work, like you always do. I thought you'd be… I don't know… proud if I finally did something on my own," I mumbled, my eyes starting to fill with tears.

"And I wanted to actually prove to myself that I could do it on my own," I continued, blinking away the tears furiously and trying to keep my voice steady, "But it was also kind of about… keeping you at a distance. I know that hurt you. I didn't _want_ to hurt you, I swear."

A part of me hadn't even really believed that I _could_ hurt him, that I actually had that kind of power over someone else.

"I'm really sorry that I hurt you. You were just… everywhere, ingrained in every part of my life. And when you weren't there, it just felt like everything fell apart without you and that was really scary, because it makes no sense for you to stay with me."

"Bella-" he began in a familiar tone.

"Edward, please. Just let me get this out while I still can. Then I'll answer whatever questions you want me to answer."

"Okay," he agreed a little reluctantly.

I took another deep breath and continued. "It felt like I had everything to lose and I don't know… I guess I panicked and tried to do some damage control or something. I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry," I repeated. I would've spent the entire day apologising if he wanted me to, but I tried to finish what I'd started. He deserved as full an explanation as I could give him.

"Then, the more time I spent with Angela, the more my reasons changed. I started to enjoy it. I really like Angela. I think down the road somewhere we could actually be friends. _Real_ friends," I said, continuing to pace around my room and stare at my floor.

"And I really want that now. I know it's selfish, but I want it. It's not that I don't love spending time with you, because I do, but I want it all now – I want my boyfriend, I want friends, I want it all. Just for me."

When I finally said it out loud, I realized that was the reason I couldn't make myself promise Edward I'd never hang out with any of them again. It wasn't just about him anymore. I wanted it for myself now too.

"That's great, Bella. You should want to do it for yourself. I get that, I do. I could never give up my friends. What I don't understand is…" He pulled me down to sit next to him again, "Don't you want me to be a part of it all? Do you think I'm going to steal your friends away from you?"

"No, of course I don't think that, but I don't know if they're actually my _friends_ yet! It hasn't been that long and they've only just started inviting me to do stuff unrelated to the club. I want you to meet them – I do, I _really_ do. They all know about you.

I just want to be sure that we're friends first, that I actually did it on my own. If you meet them before we're actually friends… well then you'll do the hard work for me, and I'll never know if they actually like me for me, or if they're just putting up with me so they can hang out with you. We both know the only reason Alice tried so hard is because I'm your girlfriend."

He ran his fingers up and down my arm and I crawled back into his lap.

"The club changed me a lot, but none of it has changed the way I feel about you. I really want to tell you. I want you to know…" I stuttered, fidgeting with the bottom of his shirt. Why was this so difficult? Why couldn't I just tell him? Why did I suddenly want to cry like a freaking baby?

"It's just so... This thing between us is so new and it's so intense now. It all feels so impossible sometimes."

"I know, Bella. I'm scared too. This whole thing kind of blindsided me," he whispered and I nodded in agreement.

Neither of us was looking at the other. We both stayed deliberately still, our bodies rigid. It even felt like we were both trying to breathe as quietly as possible.

It was just so awkward.

I'd tried to stop myself from feeling it. Tried and failed. I didn't know if I could actually say it. He'd never said it. How would he react? Don't some guys run when they hear the "L" word?

Saying it first would put me in such a vulnerable position… Then again, I was already in a vulnerable position, just because I felt it. It was too late for self-defense. There was just no going back, and if Edward needed to hear me say it…

_I guess if the choice is between Edward feeling scared, or me feeling scared… well, of course I'd choose the latter._

I swallowed loudly and licked my lips.

"I – I love you," I finally mumbled to his shirt. It was so quiet I wasn't sure whether he even heard it.

A part of me truly thought the world would end when I finally said it out loud. At least a minor earthquake or something.

But nothing quite so dramatic happened. The only change was that he suddenly turned to look at me, his eyes wide and so… alive. I also had an overwhelming urge to kiss him in weird places. I kissed his knuckles, his wrist, his elbow, his hair, shoving words out as quickly as I could. "So, so much," I mumbled after I kissed his earlobe. I wasn't sure whether I wanted to stop talking. And if I was gonna put myself through hell, I may as well do it thoroughly.

"You're the best possible friend I could imagine. You're so _good_. You give everybody the benefit of the doubt. You're funny and smart and you understand me and put up with all my crap. I'm so sorry I hurt you. I should've tried to talk to you, to explain myself. I just needed some more time and I thought that, in the long-run, it would be better for both of us. You must be sick of babysitting me by now. I know you must want someone who has a life, someone normal, and I really want to be that someone for you-"

"Bella," he sighed, cutting off my rambling. "You know… I really don't know what I want. I mean I do, but I can't label it. I had this whole list of things I thought I was supposed to be looking for, before I met you. I'm not gonna lie. With those other girls… it was pretty good sometimes, and in some ways it was much easier, but it was never… I don't know…" He gestured uncertainly and then let his hand fall limply back to his side again, as if he'd hoped that he could pluck the right word out of thin air, but was ultimately disappointed.

"Then I met you and you… you don't fit the list," he told me, lifting my chin until our eyes met. Not satisfying his list of criteria seemed like a bad thing, but he said it like it was a compliment and he had this ridiculous smile on his face.

"You don't fit the list and you drive me crazy sometimes, but this works for me. This feels right," he whispered, tracing some non-existent pattern on my cheek. "I don't know how or why, and I really don't care. It works for me and I think it works for you. I don't give a fuck about anything else."

He pulled me towards him and then… Well, I wasn't sure what being kissed senseless felt like, but if this wasn't it, then it was pretty damn close.

"I love you too, by the way," he panted when we finally broke apart. I nodded and pulled his head down so I could kiss his forehead. It just felt like the right thing to do.

I pressed my cheek against his, hugging him as tightly as I could.

Somewhere deep down there was a quiet voice telling me I had already known that.

I hoped, despite everything, some part of him had already known how I felt too.

Still, it felt good to say it out loud, and it felt even better to hear it. I suppose it always does.

We still had a lot to work out, but at least it was all out in the open now. There were still a lot of fears pushing at the edges of our moment, both mine _and _Edward's, but we left them at the edges. They could wait.

**

* * *

A/N: This chapter and the next chapter are two parts of the same conversation. They should hopefully make more sense when read together. Chapter 26 should already be posted – please let me know if something has gone wrong and it isn't up. Thank you.**


	26. Feeling heard

**Chapter Title: Feeling heard**

**Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**

* * *

"So what are we going to do?" Edward finally whispered in my ear when the needy kisses ran out for now. There were only quiet kisses left.

"I don't know. I don't want you to feel left out. I want you to feel… loved. Because you are," I told him again. Now that I'd said it once, I had this strange urge to keep saying it.

It was kind of like smiling back. I wanted to keep saying it until it became effortless, until I didn't have to think about it anymore.

He kissed me on the forehead again – a tiny, soft kiss that made me close my eyes.

"I'm not good at staying on the side-lines, but I don't want you to feel like you can't handle all of this on your own," he mumbled into my hair.

"So what are we going to do?" I asked again. It seemed neither of us had an answer to that question.

"It's been a long day," I observed lazily. Getting everything out, telling Edward how I felt and having the same feelings reflected back felt wonderful, but it was also a little exhausting. If he kept holding me like he was, and playing with my hair, I'd definitely fall asleep soon.

"It's only nine a.m.," he said, picking up my wrist to check my watch, since his was still on my bedside table.

"Oh. That's good. Starbucks will be open. Can we go get a cup of coffee or some air at least? We don't have to decide right this minute, do we?"

"No, we should think this over. Starbucks sounds like a good idea. Let's go."

Despite our agreement, neither of us moved for a few more minutes. I was just so comfortable, my body completely relaxed against Edward's. I felt content and comfortable and at peace, but also sort of excited and edgy at the same time.

I didn't want to get up, but I was happy to find that the feeling persisted when I eventually did. We got dressed, I handed him his watch with a quiet smile, and we left.

* * *

I'd never been in love before. I was curious to see if the world would look any different. Maybe all the buildings would seem to be painted in brighter shades or something. I wanted to see the colors – bright and bold and beautiful.

Logically, there shouldn't have been many changes - I had felt just as strongly yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that. I couldn't remember a time when I didn't feel like this, but I knew I hadn't always loved him. There must've been a moment when everything suddenly changed, but I couldn't identify it. I guess I had been so busy denying it, that I'd missed it.

I inspected the people with a vague curiosity as we quietly made our way to the nearest Starbucks. I expected everything to look bigger and brighter, but instead I was met with the opposite. Everything seemed quieter, almost muted.

Placing my standard cappuccino order felt so weird. I had this peculiar urge to tell the barista what had just happened between Edward and me. But of course I didn't - what did he care that two random students had just professed their love?

I went to get a table while Edward collected our drinks. He pulled his chair closer to mine and sat down next to me, placing my cappuccino and a straw in front of me.

I couldn't stop smiling. I looked like an idiot, but I didn't care. Maybe that was the source of this wonderful, unbreakable feeling. I was curious to see if other people would look or act differently, but it didn't really matter what they thought. To be perfectly honest, I couldn't even hear them properly. They were just a comforting, background buzz.

The most important person in my world was sitting next to me, and he had that same stupid smile on his face. He smiled wider when he caught me staring at him for the tenth time. I didn't bother to look away. I was watching him fidget with the wrapper of my straw. He smoothed it flat and placed it next to my coffee mug oh-so-innocently, so I could read what was written on it: "Not recommended for use in hot beverages."

"Shut up," I tried to grumble through my smile.

"I didn't say anything," he teased, smirking at me. "No, actually I like that you drink coffee with a straw."

"Alice says you shouldn't use straws. Apparently they cause wrinkles and premature aging," I told Edward, knowing he'd find it just as amusing as I did.

I had been keeping a mental file of stuff I thought Edward would like or find interesting. Stuff I couldn't talk about before because we'd been avoiding the subject of the club. Now I could finally tell him everything. How nervous I was the first night, how bad Ben's jokes were, the interesting astronomy facts. He, in turn, asked question after question and I did my best to answer them all.

We sat there, talking and smiling at each other until our coffees got cold. I went to buy us new ones, even though it didn't seem like we'd drink them.

I placed them down on the table with a loud thud. "Okay, we really should be serious now and decide what we're going to do."

"Agreed," he nodded, and pulled my chair closer when I sat down. "I don't want to break up. I'm not going anywhere," he stated bluntly out of nowhere, jolting me out of my comfortable haze.

"Um… good. I don't want to break up either."

_Where did that come from?_

"I just want to be clear. Do you still want to know what you said that night before you passed out?"

I nodded and then listened as he filled in some of the dark patches, and my eyes quickly shifted downward. I held his hand and fidgeted with his watch while he talked.

_Dear Lord. I'm never drinking again. _

"But I want you to know that I've never thought of it as me doing all the work for you, and I didn't realize you felt that way. I've always wanted to help, but I never want you to feel like you can't do anything on your own. I know you struggle sometimes, but I think the idea that you can't do whatever you want by yourself is bullshit," he said, squeezing my hand.

He sighed and ran his free hand through his hair. "But I thought a lot about it that night and I'm starting to realize that I can't make you believe something just because I want you to. I know there are some things you just have to figure out for yourself."

He took a deep breath, taking both my hands in his. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you really think you need to do this part by yourself, I'll respect that."

He looked at me meaningfully. "Is that how you feel?" he asked, brushing my hair out of my face. "That night you said that you…" He looked down but then met my eyes again, "You don't like that you need me. What did you mean? Was it just the alcohol talking?"

"No. It's true," I confessed quietly. "What I meant was that I rely on you a lot. Too much. Sometimes, just the fact that you're in the room makes me feel so much more comfortable. It's not your fault. It's my stupid brain.

I remember that day you left me by myself. I tried to do a stupid 'opportunity' on my own but I gave up _so_ quickly. I'd been on my own for so long, and then suddenly… I don't like feeling completely dependent on you, and it's not fair to you either."

"What if I don't help you with that anymore?" he suggested thoughtfully. "From now on, the 'opportunities' – that's all on you. I won't even be in the same room. Then you'll know for sure that it's you doing the work, right?"

"Um, yes, that's right, I guess." Logically, if he wasn't there and I knew that I couldn't call him to bail me out, then my stupid brain would be forced to acknowledge that I'd done it by myself.

"You've got to hold me to that, okay? It's pretty easy to agree to it right now…but I don't know if I'll still feel that way when I actually have to go out there by myself." I felt strong and ambitious and unbreakable with Edward by my side, but I knew that feeling couldn't last. It was so easy to feel ambitious about the future when it was safely in the future.

"I'll hold you to it. I won't help you, I promise."

He sighed and shook his head. "That's such a weird promise. I never thought I'd say that."

"I don't like how complicated everything is," I groaned half-heartedly, turning to stare out the window. We were on the second floor, so the people looked smaller. I watched them walk past. They all looked so sure about what they were doing and where they were going.

"Me neither."

I turned my attention back to the boy sitting next to me. Well, he was hardly a boy. Technically he was a man, but I'd never thought of him that way. Maybe because then I'd have to see myself as a woman, an actual grown-up.

"What about you, though? I don't want you to feel like I'm shutting you out." This plan sounded like it would work for me, but we needed something that would work for both of us.

"Well, talking about it has helped. Before I was… I don't know... scared that you just didn't want me there, but I understand your reasons better now. Knowing that you love me also doesn't hurt," he mumbled, kissing the back of my hand and smiling that stupid smile again.

I leaned towards him so that I could kiss him properly. I didn't even care that it was technically PDA.

Then my smile fell.

"I should've talked to you, and tried to explain how I felt sooner. I'm so sorry."

"I could just as easily say that_ I_ should've asked you to explain when you first told me you thought you should go to the club on your own," he answered quickly. "Let's not do this to ourselves. I don't want to play the blame game. There's always plenty of that stuff to go around. I don't want this to be like every other relationship, where we both keep score of the times we screwed up. That doesn't work and I don't want to do it. Let's just fix what we don't like and move on."

"Okay. You said talking helps. Maybe if we talk more, like every day? I really liked telling you about the club and Angela just now. I've missed that. I know we decided you won't help me with the opportunities anymore, but I can still tell you about them, right? No secrets. Would that make it easier for you?"

"That would definitely help. If there's one thing I've learned from my parents, it's that we've both got to talk to each other more," he said, unsuccessfully trying to pull my chair even closer. The only way we could've been sitting any closer to each other would be if I sat in his lap. I placed my hand on his knee instead.

He smiled. "Look, I think I'm finally starting to understand that I can't make you believe in yourself. You've got to do that part. Now that I know how you feel, I think it will be easier. I want to give you the time and space you need."

"I wish I knew how long all this is going to take. Sometimes it feels like these stupid opportunities are never going to end. I thought I was getting closer to being friends with Angela before… Of course, then I got drunk and made a complete ass out of myself. Now I just don't know. I'm sorry. I wish I could give you some kind of time frame," I said, shaking my head glumly.

I really wished I could tell him that I just needed a few weeks and then I'd be cured. I wasn't even sure if I could do any of it on my own. The only thing I knew was that I sure as hell wanted to try. It was a huge deal for me, but it would probably seem like very little to the rest of the world.

"It's okay. I'll wait," he said, sounding determined, and placing a charged kiss on my forehead.

"Promise me you won't wait too long," I muttered over his shoulder, my eyes filling up with tears.

_Geez, Bella. Seriously? _

I was so emotional these days, every feeling just barely contained beneath the surface. I was such a freaking girl now. I used to be so much better at burying my feelings.

"As long as I have to."

"No, Edward," I said, pulling away and staring into his eyes with as much conviction as I could scrape together. "I don't want you to think like that. I want you to do what's best for _you_. Always! If it takes too long… when it's not right for you, I want you to walk away-"

"And not look back," he finished, rolling his eyes. "Yeah, you said the same thing that night."

"Because it's important. Promise me you'll do what's best for you. Say 'I promise!'" I demanded, placing both my hands on the sides of his face and trying to stop him from shaking his head.

"Bella, I don't need to make that promise because it's all I've ever done," he said, wrapping his hand around mine again. "Sometimes I feel like you think I'm some sort of saint, but I'm really not. I'm just as selfish as everybody else. You have to believe me when I tell you this works for me and that's why I'm here!" He squeezed my hand harder. The warmth of his hand around mine was reassuring.

"It doesn't even feel like waiting when I'm with you. 'Wait' is definitely the wrong word. I wish I knew what the right word is. I just know that you're smart and funny and beautiful and you don't even realize it. You know me better than anyone else. I can be myself with you, even if I'm being depressing or geeky, or just plain dull. You don't nag me or try to change me. You just accept me the way I am. I'll 'wait' because I love you and I want you - _for myself_. End of story."

I just blushed, nodded and tried to push my chair closer. "I love you too."

* * *

We talked about our fears some more after that. He told me how scared he was that he'd turn into his father, how much he hated feeling powerless (I couldn't help but agree), and how much he didn't like not knowing what was going to happen. We'd talked about some of this stuff before, but it still hit me like a ton of bricks to realize how difficult it must have been for him to try to build a relationship with me of all people, while he watched his parents' marriage fall apart.

It wasn't easy to hear that he had doubts about our relationship, about me, but at the same time it felt _so good_ to just talk to him. In a strange way, it made me feel better knowing that I wasn't the only one who was scared. It felt like before when we were just friends.

I had gotten caught up in all this relationship stuff and forgotten the most important thing; Edward and I were friends, first and foremost. He was my best friend and I could talk to him about anything. I really needed to remember that. It's what I should've done from the beginning.

We stopped telling each other that nothing bad was ever going to happen to us, and that it was a sure thing everything would work out. Sometimes hearing "of course, you can do it" and "of course, everything will be fine" only creates more barriers. It wasn't about comforting or reassuring each other. It was just about listening and letting each other talk about whatever we wanted, no matter how boring or scary or depressing, until we both felt heard.

* * *

"What do you mean we've said it before?" I demanded. We'd talked for hours about how we felt and about what I'd said that night, and he was only just telling me this _now_?

He looked pained. "That night, I managed to find the worst possible time to tell you I love you. Then you said it back… sort of."

"I can't believe I missed it. That's so fucking typical of me." _Unbelievable._

"If it's any consolation, I think our second time went a lot better."

"Yeah, there's that, I guess." I suppose the important thing was that we'd actually said it, but I still would've liked to have been there the first time.

"Um… Bella?" Edward began cautiously, "Since we're being honest…I think maybe I owe you an apology. I knew you were completely out of it that night and that you might not remember it.

In my defense, I'd wanted to say it for ages, but I didn't want to freak you out," he rambled, the words spilling out so quickly it was difficult to catch them all. "And you have no idea how happy I felt when you said you'd told that jerk, Jake, you were taken."

_Is it my imagination or does he sound a little smug right now?_

"But a tiny part of me was thinking…" he broke off, but didn't look away. "I knew you wouldn't edit your reaction. I knew you'd blurt out whatever was going through your head and I just…I was so scared that you were slipping through my fingers this last week." He exhaled loudly, rubbing his face with both his hands.

"And then you were saying all this stuff I knew you'd never say sober…I don't know whether you even realized you were talking to me, because you kept referring to me in the third person. I'm sorry. I feel like I took that moment from you."

I reached for his hand when he looked up at me again.

He told me a little more about the times he'd resorted to manipulation with his mother and with me. He apologized and promised he'd never do it again. I wasn't mad at him. I'd screwed up much worse, and I couldn't deny that the pet names and jokes had helped me in the beginning. Whether I'd meant to say all that stuff that night or not… I also couldn't deny that I was glad it was out in the open.

He was honest about the fact that his motives hadn't always been purely altruistic, but…if anyone understood how feeling insecure and helpless could make you do stupid things, it was me. I wanted to just leave it at that.

Maybe other people wouldn't understand, but I didn't give a fuck. It made sense to us.

* * *

"Okay, is that everything? Did I say anything else?"

_Christ._ It sounded like I'd done nothing but talk that night. _I'm never drinking again._

"Nope, that's it. Then you threw up and passed out with your head on the toilet seat. It was so romantic."

"Ugh. I have no words," I grumbled, ignoring his smirk as we walked back towards the campus. The plan was to go to the library for the afternoon because we were both behind on our class work, but it was a plan that seemed completely unfeasible today.

"We can do things right tonight. We can dress up and go to a fancy restaurant with candlelight and music. I'll buy you flowers and everything."

"Or...?" I prompted, knowing Edward didn't like the sound of that any more than I did.

"Or we can…?" he broke off, letting me fill in the blank.

"Or we can order a pizza, put a movie on in the background and fool around until we both pass out," I finished for him.

"That sounds just right," he whispered, pulling me into a tight hug.

A couple of hours later, that's exactly what we did.

**

* * *

A/N: Next chapter: Bella and Edward attempt to put their new arrangement into practice. It should already be posted – please let me know if something has gone wrong and it's not. Thank you.**


	27. No going back

**Chapter title: No going back**

**Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**

_Don't you know by now, you can't turn back. _

_Because this road is all you'll ever have. _

_Paramore, Fences_

* * *

As usual, I woke up first the next morning. As usual, the first thing I did was focus my eyes on Edward. I sighed contentedly as soon as I saw him, sprawled out next to me on his back, with one arm bent and resting just above his head.

One of us must have tried to kick off the covers during the night because they were just barely covering his hips. I should've pulled them up in case he was cold, but I didn't.

I was hyper-aware of what he was wearing under there after our exploits last night… absolutely nothing. Even his watch was on my bedside table.

I bit my lip and shifted uncomfortably.

_Dear Lord. What is wrong with me? _

How could I still want to? _You're a sick, sick pervert, Bella._

Our physical relationship hadn't progressed any further last night, but considering how much, err… fun we'd had, I absolutely should not be feeling this way again so soon.

I took a shaky breath and shifted my eyes to my ceiling, trying to ignore the naked Edward sleeping peacefully next to me.

Needless to say, I was unsuccessful.

I shook my head at myself and went to brush my teeth and scrub my face as quietly as I could. I was still wearing my pajama shirt, but I wasn't sure where my underwear was, so I put on a clean pair.

He was still asleep when I got back. I sat carefully on my knees on the edge of the bed, and leaned closer to Edward without thinking.

_God, what is wrong with me?!_

I don't know if my body was trying to make up for lost time, but I just couldn't get enough of him. This raw need to be as close to him as possible …was maddening.

I was kind of starting to understand why people had sex. Apart from the obvious reasons of course. The first time I actually figured out what sex was – how it was all supposed to work - I couldn't help but think: who in their right mind would want to do _that_? It sounded so messy and disgusting and just downright weird.

But now… _Jesus_. Now I couldn't stop thinking about it and it was starting to sound really, really good. I was completely obsessed with… well, Edward. Touching Edward. Kissing Edward. His lips, his face, his-

I reached for the covers before I could stop myself.

_I'm just going to pull them right up to his chin to avoid temptation._

Instead I pulled them back. I glanced at his face nervously, but he was still fast asleep.

I swallowed down the lump in my throat and shifted even closer to him.

I didn't want to disturb him because he looked so comfortable, but unfortunately it was Monday again and he'd have to wake up soon anyway to go to class. Wouldn't this be a nice way to wake him up? I needed the practice and surely he wouldn't mind…

I tried not to wonder whether other girls would do it and whether it was part of my job description as a girlfriend. I tried not to, but I did. At least I now knew not to let those thoughts decide for me. I was relatively successful at ignoring them long enough to ask myself the only questions that should've mattered: Did I want to and did I think he would like it?

The answer to both was "yes".

I touched him with my fingertips, keeping my touch light so as not to wake him yet. I moved even closer and lowered my face, hesitating slightly before I kissed him. I held him lightly in my hand and ran my tongue over the tip. I was curious as to what it would feel like, so I gently touched it to my cheek. Knowing he was asleep right now actually made me feel much bolder, so I allowed myself to just enjoy the moment and explore a little.

I tried to find a comfortable position. I wanted to be able to look at his face easily so that I'd know when he woke up. I moved to lie between his legs extra carefully. I held my breath when he shifted a little, but then sighed in relief when it became obvious he was still asleep.

I lowered my lips again with a little more determination, trying to take more of him into my mouth this time. It was only my third time and I was still getting used to it, so I couldn't take the whole thing, but I was definitely getting better at this. And I was really starting to enjoy it, especially since I knew how much Edward liked it.

He shifted again and I glanced up in time to see a sleepy Edward blinking at me. His eyes went wide. He was definitely surprised, but then he smiled at me, so I figured it was okay to keep going.

I pulled away so I could speak and because when he smiled at me it was impossible not to smile back. "Good morning," I mumbled more timidly than I would've liked.

"Errr… yeah," he stuttered as I resumed what I was doing.

I looked back up at him after a quick pep talk and our eyes locked. I could see need and desire and love. It was actually getting easier to maintain eye contact because I wanted him to see the same feelings reflected back at him.

He reached for me, his hand gripping my forearm insistently and pulling me up towards him.

"I err… Wow," he whispered.

I wasn't sure if he'd want to kiss me right now given where my lips had just been, but he went straight for my mouth, one hand in my hair, holding me to him, the other… well it was on my ass, pulling me into him. I was starting to notice that his hands often ended up there, but that was fine with me. I'd still never taken off my shirt in front of him, but anything below the waist was almost comfortable now.

My fingers idly explored his chest, eventually making their way back down to mini-Edward while he kissed me over and over.

When our mouths finally broke apart, I made my way back down, raining little kisses along his chest. The patch of skin just below his belly button was quickly becoming one of my favorite places.

"Mmmm… that feels so good." His hand immediately tangled into my hair, playing with it gently.

Last night had been needy and desperate. This morning was slow and intimate. I took my time, liking how familiar all this was starting to feel.

The only thing running through my head was: _I love you, I love you, I love you. _

I'd thought of it as worship before, but I knew better now that I'd finally admitted my feelings to myself. It wasn't about worshipping him or thanking him or anything like that. I just wanted to show him how much he meant to me in every way I could.

I knew it was time to speed up and let him take over when his breathing became even more labored and he sucked his bottom lip into his mouth, trying to control himself.

He pushed me away sooner than I would've liked. I cleaned him up while his breathing slowly returned to normal, sprinkling tiny kisses along the way. There was some on his hand and I was kind of starting to wonder what that stuff tasted like – _it must taste good, surely_ – but he was watching me and I was pretty sure that I'd used up most of my courage for the day, so I just wiped it off with a tissue.

_Note to self: buy more tissues soon._

He stretched contentedly and pulled me into his side, still panting a little.

"Wow. Thank you," he mumbled. "That was actually a first for me."

"Really?"

"Yeah," he said, turning to smile at me. "You're the first girl who's woken me up like that."

"Really?" I couldn't help but smile wider. He'd given me so many wonderful firsts; to be able to do the same for him just felt so indescribably good. "So you - you definitely liked it, right? It's not… too much after last night?"

"No, no, no. Not too much. I loved it," he answered immediately, kissing me soundly. "Don't let me fall asleep," he mumbled. His fingers were already playing with the waistband of my panties and I would've been lying if I'd said I didn't want them there, but we really didn't have time.

"You can't go back to sleep. We have to leave for class in forty minutes. But you can take a power nap while I shower," I informed him reluctantly, trying to will myself to get out of bed.

* * *

We were a couple of minutes late to our first class, but we made it. In retrospect, I don't know why we even bothered. I was finding it impossible to concentrate and spent the majority of the lecture playing with his watch.

I sighed and peeked at him out of the corner of my eye.

_My life's amazing._

* * *

_My life sucks._

_Why did I ever think I could do this? I'm such an idiot. I can't do this without Edward. _

It was continually surprising how life could be simultaneously incredible AND fucking awful. Then again, maybe it was just my life.

_Shut the fuck up, Bella. This is what you wanted. You wanted to be all independent. You wanted to "do it on your own." Well, now you're on your own. Enjoy._

Edward had left early in the afternoon, as soon as class had finished.

"You've got astronomy club tonight. Tuesdays and Fridays, right?" he'd said, speaking casually, but staring directly into my eyes.

"Yeah," I'd mumbled.

_This is so typical._ It would've been nice if I'd had some time to try some smaller "opportunities" on my own first, and build up to this. Naturally, we'd agreed on our new arrangement on Sunday. Monday had been spent in Edward-induced bliss and now it was Tuesday and I had that stupid club tonight. _Does everything really need to happen so fast? Can't I have like a week off to talk myself into this?_

Apart from a quick text to Angela (and Jake) to let them know I was okay, I hadn't spoken to any of them since Friday - the night I had gotten drunk and made a complete ass out of myself. I couldn't even remember the whole evening – who knows what humiliating crap had spilled out of my mouth!

_They do, that's who._ _You were the only one stupid enough to get wasted… they remember __everything.__ Every stupid joke, every embarrassing stumble. I bet you put on an entertaining show for them. I bet they laughed their assess off after you left._

How could I face them again after _that_?

"Okay, well have fun. I'm going out. I'll be back tonight, probably around eleven. If you're not here, I'll call you."

He stopped in front of me and drew me into his arms. The hug lasted longer than it should have, but it was warm and comforting and I just didn't want to let go. Eventually, Edward slowly moved away. He kissed me on my forehead, smiled at me and turned to leave.

"I don't know if I can do this," I'd blurted out.

As soon as he was within touching distance again, I grabbed him.

I had expected him to say that of course I could do it, but he didn't. "You'll find out," he'd whispered. "I'm going out. I love you. See you later tonight."

I'd told him that I loved him too and watched him walk out.

And then I was alone. Just me and my thoughts.

* * *

_Get a grip, Bella. It's still early. You've got a few hours before you have to go to the club. You've got some time to talk yourself into this._

_Right, okay. I can do this. I just need to stop worrying about it. I'll go tonight and whatever happens, happens. Until then, I just need to find some way to distract myself._

I decided to try to read a book, but the first one I picked up was too funny. Practically every other line was a joke. It was all supposed to be silly and funny and witty, but I couldn't get into it because I knew the author was TRYING to be funny and that somehow negated all the humor and made me feel weird if I did find it funny. Like I'd been manipulated into laughing. The way they were trying so hard made me...kind of embarrassed and actually reminded me of Alice. Her enthusiasm could feel embarrassing sometimes. She got so worked up about some things … It just made me feel bad for some reason. I couldn't imagine anyone being that excited about everything.

I wondered if I came off as too eager around Angela and Ben. Did I seem as desperate and pathetic as I felt most of the time?

I started replaying what little memories I had, scrutinizing them from every angle. I kept thinking of new little things I didn't like about myself. I probably said 'um' way too much and took too long to respond to questions. I probably said really stupid and obvious things half the time, caring more how I was actually speaking, rather than what I was saying. I probably laughed a little too hard at all their jokes.

I probably came off as one of those annoying, sycophantic wannabes. Who in their right mind would want to be friends with _that_?Ugh.

_For fuck's sake, Bella. You're psyching yourself out. If you keep doing this, you'll never speak to any of them again._

I put that book down and tried another, but the next book was even worse. It was too smart. I could tell that every word had been carefully chosen. There was too much point behind everything and I wasn't in the mood for point. The writing was just too… pretty. And it was meant to be pretty and profound and all that, which is why I couldn't swallow any of it. The only thing I felt like reading right now was something written by accident, something that wasn't intended to be read.

Finally, I gave up on the whole reading thing. Every book was just… it wasn't real.

It wasn't _real_.

I wondered when that started to bother me. I used to love books and dreams and fantasies, specifically because they weren't real. When had that changed? Why had that changed?

I pushed all the books away, grabbed my bag, and walked out into the cool air. I started walking and realized that I didn't want to stop. If only it were possible to walk away from yourself.

Someone stopped me to ask for directions. I was more shocked than scared. It truly felt like I was in my own little bubble, millions of miles away from everyone and everything else.

Eventually, I found myself at the river and sat down on one of the benches, watching the water flow past me. All the thoughts in my head were going crazy, like panicked fireflies in a jar desperate to get out.

It was slow, but the peaceful atmosphere began to work. I wrote in my journal and it helped. It was slow, but eventually I managed to calm down a little. I took deep breaths and watched the ducks and the geese and the squirrels. It made me miss my dog, but I liked watching them. They looked so unhurried, so carefree.

One of the geese crept closer and closer to my bench, pecking experimentally at patches of grass, lest they turn out to be edible. At first I was happy to be able to observe it up close, but I quickly started getting nervous.

It didn't even acknowledge my existence, lazily pecking at the ground, but it was getting really fucking close.

That's when I realized two things. Firstly, I didn't know why, but it wasn't scared of me. Secondly, I was definitely scared of it. I mean it was pretty big and it had a beak. Who knew what kind of damage that thing could do? I got more and more nervous the  
closer it got.

_Okay seriously, why isn't it scared of me? _

Finally, I had to flee the bench when it got so close that I could reach out and touch it. If anyone was going to get attacked by a freaking goose, it would be weirdo, idiotic me. That would make a nice addition to my file of humiliating moments.

_Jesus. Chased away by a fucking bird? Is there anything you're not scared of, you freak?_

_God, I'm such a loser._

* * *

I did end up going to the club that night. I don't know how I did it – maybe it was the goose incident that shamed me into it – but I did talk myself into going. I HAD to go. I knew myself and if I allowed myself to miss even one single meeting, I'd probably never go again. It's a slippery slope or something. No one knew that better than I did. I guess I wanted my friendship with Angela enough to not shut down the possibility altogether.

I did end up talking myself into going, but I showed up late and I sat in the back. Then I left immediately when it finished, only throwing Angela a quick smile and telling her – no, LYING to her – that I needed to rush off and couldn't stay behind to help.

I was just so ashamed of myself and my stupidity that night. She'd started to apologize and I couldn't bear to hear it. It really wasn't her fault and I hated the fact that she felt the need to apologize. She didn't force me to drink too much. I made that stupid choice on my own. Shame and panic and fear had welled up inside me and I mumbled that everything was okay and fled.

When I got back to my room, I flopped down on my bed and conscientiously beat myself up.

_You're such a moron. You finally found a girl who's nice and friendly and even likes the same things you do, and you're blowing it. What are you gonna do? Find a new club to join and new people to befriend and hope you don't screw up again? You're always going to screw up. _

_You're a failure, _the voice in my head told me.

A part of me really wanted to just accept that. Fighting it was so much work. It was so exhausting. But another part of me didn't want to accept that at all.

_I failed __this time__, but I'm not a failure. There's a big difference._

I don't know if it was just because I liked Angela and wanted to be her friend so much, but I clung to that difference. That fine distinction gave me hope. I stopped wondering how many individual failures added up to being a failure and told myself to regroup. _I can do this. I just started. I'm not giving up that quickly._

I didn't want to find a new club. I liked astronomy and I liked Angela. But the voice in my head was right – no matter what, eventually I _would_ screw up. Unless I spent as little time with them as possible and constantly pretended to be someone else, then I would eventually say or do something stupid. That's just life. I made a mistake and I'd continue to make them. People make mistakes.

_I can't be the first idiot to get drunk and embarrass myself in front of my potential-friends._ _  
_

I didn't know if whatever I had with Angela would turn into a real friendship, but I had to at least try. I'd never forgive myself if I didn't.

I took a deep breath and dug my phone out of my pocket. I carefully concocted my text. I signed it Bella and then added my last name, just in case she knew another Bella or… _Or she forgot who you are in the last hour? You're pathetic._

I told myself to shut up, gave myself a quick pep talk and sent it to Angela.

**Hi. Sorry I couldn't stay tonight. Do you want to maybe do something tomorrow instead? Bella (Swan) **

I didn't want to wait till Friday to see her again, and it was always Angela or Ben who asked me if I wanted to get coffee before a meeting or go get a drink with them. I never invited her to do stuff, and that was just me being a coward and it had to stop.

_You want to do this, so do it fucking properly._

She texted me back quicker than I expected, but I grabbed my phone again as soon as it started buzzing.

**Sure. I'm free anytime after 3. Do you want to go see Sherlock Holmes? Ben won't watch Robert Downey Jr. films with me ever since he found out about my tiny, completely innocent crush. :(**

I happily agreed and suggested we get something to eat afterwards. We texted back and forth a few more times. It was harder to talk to her now that there was this stupid elephant in the room making me even more self-conscious, but she was just as nice and interesting as she'd always been, so I tried my best.

It helped that I'd always thought Robert Downey Jr. was sort of cute. She didn't bring up my drunken escapade again (that also helped), and since it was a topic that scared the shit out of me, neither did I. We needed to talk about it, at least a little, because everything felt a bit awkward now, and I resolved to try to clear the air tomorrow.

By the time Edward came home around ten-thirty, I was even a little happy that I'd managed to text her and set something up for tomorrow. The night hadn't gone the way I'd wanted, and I'd definitely chickened out by leaving the club early, but at least it wasn't a total disaster. I still had a shot with Angela. There was still a chance, I told myself over and over.

_There's no going back. I have to move forward. _

* * *

"Did you have a fun night?" I asked Edward when he came home and we crawled into bed.

"Yeah. I went to my dorm room to see Mike. Jessica was there and annoying as usual, but all the guys came over and it was good to just hang out. How was your night?" he asked a little tentatively.

"Um. My night was good and bad, I guess. It started off really bad. I think I was almost attacked by a goose."

I told Edward all about my evening. This was my part of the new arrangement. I didn't want to bore him with too many details, but he'd said that my talking helped him, and I wanted him to know how important he was to me, so I just rambled, telling him everything I could think of.

How stupid I felt for fleeing from that goose. How much I regretted chickening out from staying after the meeting. How things were a little awkward with Angela now, but I'd texted her and we were going to the movies tomorrow and I was hoping to clear the air with her then.

I told him Jake wasn't at the club, because I knew he had probably wondered about that, and I didn't want him to worry. I tried really hard not to edit and was actually relatively successful. He didn't give me any advice, but just asked me questions and I answered them all, adding anything else I could think of.

The more I told him, the more his body relaxed against mine. It felt really good to talk to him and tell him everything, whether it be good or bad, or even boring.

I asked questions too, and he copied my rambling style. By the time we were done talking, we had both completely relaxed, smiling and laughing quietly, securely intertwined under the covers.

"I love it when you ramble," he sighed, kissing the corner of my mouth. "This helped a lot. This is good. We've got to do this more often."

"Agreed. I love it when you ramble too. What you said earlier about how it makes you feel like you're listening to my thoughts, I know what you mean." I told him how much I loved him and gave him a kiss goodnight.

Okay, it might have been more than just one kiss goodnight, but eventually we stopped when we both got sleepy. I snuggled into his side. I didn't even want to think about how much work I had ahead of me, but…

_There's just no going back. _

I was even a tiny bit hopeful.

**

* * *

A/N: That's it for now. Sorry it took so long.**

**Thank you to anyone still reading. And thank you to thequietlife and Irritable Grizzzly for their help, as always. :)**

**EDIT: Forgot to wish everyone a Happy New Year! I hope it's an amazing year for you!  
**


	28. Soon

**Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. The Nietzsche quote is from **_**Twilight of the Idols.**_

**Just FYI, I changed my pen name to twoquestionmarks. It won't affect alerts/favorites so hopefully it won't cause any problems.**

**Chapter Title: ****Soon**

* * *

I couldn't help it. I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but she was speaking loudly and her words caught my attention.

"It does get better. Don't feel guilty for struggling. Some people struggle. I absolutely hated it my first year. It just takes some time. It won't be like this forever."

I unearthed my phone from my pocket and endeavored to look busy. I was trying not to be obvious, but I wasn't entirely sure how one should act when sort of listening in on a stranger's phone call. I hoped Angela would show up soon so I wouldn't have to grapple with this semi-moral dilemma for much longer, but I'd deliberately arrived at the theater fifteen minutes early so I wasn't particularly optimistic.

It was stupid, but I'd been terrified of being late. To say I was nervous about the whole thing would be an understatement. I'd even stared at my closet for too long, fixating on what shirt I should wear. I was being an idiot of course – it's not like I was going on a date for crying out loud, and Angela had never even alluded to my wardrobe choices. I was ninety-six per cent sure that she couldn't care less about the color of my shirt. After all, that was one of the things I liked about her – she hardly ever commented on what people wore.

It had always made me feel uncomfortable when Renee would do it. Conversations with my mother were always littered with scraps of commentary about what the people around her were wearing, what and how they were eating, who they were with… the list goes on and on. I always hoped that I'd get used to it, but it still made me feel nervous – every time. I always preferred sheltered ignorance and apathy. It was just another symptom of my ostrich thinking.

_I__f I don't notice them, maybe they won't notice me. _

"If you really hate it, you can always transfer. There are so many places that would love to have you, but don't give up. It will get better."

The voice of the girl standing a few feet away from me cut through my inner considerations. It sounded like she was comforting a friend who was having a tough time settling in at college. I felt awful listening in, but I was morbidly curious as to what advice she'd give.

"Okay, I'll speak to you soon. Real soon. Bye." She hung up and then almost immediately attached her phone to her ear again.

"Hi, I just talked to Stacy. It was hard to understand her because she was crying… She's struggling and I just wanted to give her a big hug."

She sounded sincere, like she really cared about this Stacy girl. They must've been friends in high school or something.

"I just… I don't know what to tell her. I told her she could always transfer, but I don't want her to give up too soon. At the same time, I don't know if I should keep telling her that it will get better because… you know… it might not."

And there it was.

The truth.

It might not get better.

She didn't say that to this Stacy girl though, did she?

Did she lie or just say what she thought her friend needed to hear? Did it really matter? I was willing to bet my life savings that Stacy knew it anyway.

It might not get better. It could very well become worse. It's not always a matter of time. Some people try and fail. Full stop.

I silently thanked the universe for its impeccable timing, as always. _Is overhearing that just before meeting Angela supposed to be a sign or something? _

I felt exhausted just listening to a complete stranger say those words out loud.

_It might not get better._

It wasn't as if I hadn't said those words to myself over and over and over, but there was something about hearing them out loud. They seemed to gravitate towards me, like matter being dutifully devoured by a black hole, surrounding me until it was the only sound left.

_I guess that's what you get for sort of eavesdropping._

I shook my head, trying to make myself snap out of the unsettling stupor I'd sucked myself into, when I saw Angela approaching. These weird, defeatist thoughts were the very last thing I needed right now. The physical act of shaking my head did little, as the thoughts ricocheted sluggishly in my mind, but it was reassuring in a tangible sort of way. At least it was some kind of action.

"Bella, hi. Am I late? I hope you haven't been waiting for long," Angela said, hovering next to me, all friendly smiles and kind eyes.

"Oh no, you're not late. You're early," I rambled, staring at my watch unnecessarily. "I was just earlier, I guess. I haven't been waiting, don't worry. Well, I was waiting for a little while because I was early, but not for long. Don't worry." I blurted out the words far too quickly and far too… I don't even know how to describe it.

I just felt pathetic and I think it showed.

I was already growing frustrated with my behavior and she'd only just arrived. I wished I could rewind or somehow postpone this. I just wasn't in the right frame of mind, with my head pounding almost painfully with desolate thoughts.

As far as I could tell, this was one of my main problems. If I was in the wrong mood, it was difficult to even make myself try. Epiphanies, convictions, decisions – they all feel so great in the moment, but the moment never lasts. Reality always slithers back in eventually.

"So… shall we?" Angela asked, her kind tone invading the awkward silence.

"Yep," I quickly agreed and followed her awkwardly. We joined the line to buy our tickets and waited in silence while I struggled to find something to say.

I didn't like how weird I felt around her now that I'd humiliated myself in front of her. It was like I'd gone all the way back to square one, and I was talking to her for the first time again. Whatever encouraging familiarity I had managed to build up with her, had been banished from the building to accommodate the giant elephant in the room.

_Well… I guess I have to start over. Here we go again._

"So… Do you like to sit at the back or the front or do you prefer the middle?" I mumbled. I was so nervous that I was probably making her feel needlessly jumpy as well.

Attempting to get us back to something that resembled normal was fucking painful at first. I probably should've brought up my drunken antics right away – just cleared the air so that we could both stop being so edgy, but I guess she'd deduced that I wasn't eager to talk about it and naturally, I followed her lead like the coward I was.

It was these awkward moments that I hated the most. Those times when I could not for the life of me think of something decent to say. Every pause in the conversation would drag on, snuffing out a little more of my "confidence" each time, and I'd become more and more self-conscious about the way I was sitting or fidgeting with my shirt. It was during these moments, the ones when I had to work really hard to just act like a normal human being, when the temptation to quit was at its greatest. I already had someone I could talk to, who liked most of the same things I did, who fucking _loved_ me. Why be greedy? Why put myself through all this crap?

It was all so… tiring.

For me, people (with the exception of Edward now and my parents occasionally… very occasionally) were so much work most of the time.

They were all so opinionated.

_That's not how you're supposed to do this._

_I don't like that. _

_This isn't right._

On and on and on.

Everybody had an opinion and a lecture and something to say. All of them wanting things, expecting things from me, from themselves, from everyone. I wanted to scream at them all to just shut up for a second and take a step back.

Of course, now I knew that it wasn't my responsibility to please them all. I'd learned my lesson from the debacle with Mike.

_People can have as many opinions as they want, but it's MY decision which ones are important to me. _

I knew that intellectually, but it was still difficult sometimes. I could barely concentrate on the movie. I caught myself obsessing over what the person who sold us our tickets was thinking, what Ben and Kate and Jake thought about Angela and me spending more time together, what Angela thought of me now after I had so thoroughly humiliated myself.

Angela's opinion WAS important to me.

I'm not sure how much of the movie I ended up registering, but Angela seemed to like it.

I took a deep breath and tried to regroup as Angela and I left the theater and walked towards a nearby restaurant for dinner. We had been making relatively comfortable small-talk, but I fucking hated small-talk. It would've been easy to keep prattling on about nothing, but I wasn't putting myself through all of this crap just to acquire another pretend-friend. I had more than enough of those. I wanted a real friend.

I was seriously running out of time. We'd amended our plan when Angela had texted me during the day to ask if Kate could join us for dinner. Of course I'd agreed, but I had been hoping to work up the nerve to speak to Angela alone first. Unfortunately, by the time we arrived at the restaurant and waited for Kate to show up, I still hadn't ventured outside the realm of our safe topics.

_Oh God. Oh God. Do it now, you idiot. You're running out of time. _

I probably only had a few minutes. If I delayed any longer, I'd either have to put off talking about it altogether, or I'd have to talk to both of them at the same time.

Neither option seemed particularly appealing, so I just launched into my apology as soon as there was another lull in the conversation. I'd been hoping to build up to it slowly, but random was my only option now.

"Angela, so I, um… about Friday night… I just wanted to say how sorry I am," I mumbled stupidly, gawking at her eyebrows instead of her eyes. "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you in front of your friends. I really don't drink very often and I, um… I'm sorry if I ruined your evening…" I tried to explain in a tiny voice, but I really didn't have an explanation.

"Bella, I'm-"

I was pretty sure she was going to try to apologize again, so I cut her off. "It was completely my fault, okay? You really don't have to apologize."

"Okay, but… just don't worry about it. We've all been there – you should hear some of Kate's stories. Bella, seriously. It happens," she reiterated when I feebly shook my head. "And you didn't ruin my evening. I had a lot of fun. I was actually really glad that you came out with us. I don't see you very much outside the club."

I tried really hard to believe her. Maybe she was just being nice? I mean, she was one of the nicest girls I'd ever met – she wouldn't be mean about it or make fun of me.

_I really wish I could read her mind right now. _

_Actually, wait… I take that back. That would probably just make everything worse._

I just… I really, really wanted to believe her. Especially the part where she said she'd had fun with _me_.

"Yeah," I said, giving her a tiny smile, "I'm really glad you invited me. I had fun too. I think. I can't actually remember all of it," I confessed stupidly.

That made her laugh and I even joined in a little.

"Been there. It's like a rite of passage or something."

She shook her head and laughed softly, her eyes distracted for a fleeting moment. I wondered what drunken indiscretions she was remembering. The idea of a drunken Angela was inconsistent with the image of her I'd constructed in my head, but I was surprisingly happy to amend it in order to appreciate this new side of her. I hoped that one day we would be close enough to share those imprudent times, unedited and untouched by fears of being judged. She sighed again, and her eyes refocused on mine.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger," she quoted Nietzsche. "Did you know that's actually a Nietzsche quote? 'What doesn't destroy me makes me stronger,'" she added and I smiled.

This was a common habit of hers. She'd wander off on tangents during our conversations, permeating them with interesting information from her philosophy classes, silly facts she'd somehow discovered or just arbitrary movie trivia. I wasn't always familiar with what she was referring to, nor did I always understand it, but it always made me smile.

Feeling a little less anxious now, I let myself blurt out exactly what was darting through my mind. "Too bad there's no guarantee that everyone will make it past that "destroy me" part. That doesn't sound very reassuring."

"I don't like guarantees. They suck the fun out of everything. I don't care much for absolutes either," she quickly replied, like I knew she would.

"What about a guarantee that something will always be fun?" I pondered slowly, letting myself fall into another comforting habit we'd developed. She'd say something, then I'd say something that built on her statement, and then she'd say something else, shifting the direction of our conversation.

It wasn't always philosophical or academic. Sometimes we'd discuss random shit that no else on the planet would find amusing. It was difficult to describe because I was never fully aware of how we ended up digressing along these tangents until they petered out. It just sort of happened. Of course, that was precisely why I liked them so much.

This particular tangent dwindled fairly quickly, my mind still a little preoccupied with my goal to clear the air. However, it was a pleasant diversion while it lasted, a welcome reminder of one of the reasons I was eager to be Angela's friend. She just seemed to find the same boring shit interesting.

"Ugh. It was still humiliating though. I'm never drinking again," I groaned when the detour came to a natural end.

"Why the hell would you stop drinking?" Kate interjected, making me jump a little.

_Jesus, Bella. You seriously need to work on your observation__al skills. _

"Oh… err," Angela stuttered, trying to cover up for me.

There was really no point, though. Kate had been there. She'd seen everything too. Although I didn't know Kate that well, she was in the group and I did want to try to be friends with her too.

"I was just reliving my humiliation from Friday night. I think I owe you an apology as well, Kate. I'm-"

"And I was just about to tell her that she really wasn't that bad," Angela interrupted before I could apologize. "You weren't that bad, Bella. I promise. You just talked a lot more than you usually do," she said, smiling kindly before looking to Kate for confirmation.

"Yeah and you gushed about your boyfriend. It was disgusting," Kate joked. I think.

_Okay, Bella. Stop moping. Keep it light. Just turn it into a joke and shrug it off._

A tiny "Oh" was all I could utter.

I tried to come up with something funny to say, but nothing came to mind. I was sure I'd think of something truly hilarious when it was too late.

Angela sighed and smiled a little mischievously, "Kate, I think you need tell her the Garrett story."

* * *

"And then we had dinner and it was still kind of awkward, but there were also a few times when the conversation seemed almost… automatic. Does that make sense?" I asked Edward a week later as I replayed another day out with Angela and Kate.

"We'd start talking about one thing and before I knew it, I would lose the trail of conversation, unaware how we had ended up animatedly discussing something completely different. Something I actually found interesting; something I actually _wanted_ to discuss. Those were the best moments – when the conversation just sort of flowed. When I didn't have to work at it or think about it. It just sort of happened. Like when I'm talking with you. It's still not always like that unfortunately, but I think it's going okay," I stated simply, nodding to myself and pausing for a much-needed lungful of air.

"I mean Kate is still really enjoying teasing me about all the stupid things I said when I was drunk. I know she's only joking… I try to laugh about it, but it still makes me kind of cringe sometimes." My wounds were still a little too raw, I guess. "But otherwise, it's going okay."

"That's great, Bella," Edward said when I finally stopped talking long enough for him to actually reply.

_Geez, Bella. When did you become one of those people who talk incessantly? You're starting to sound like Alice._

"Anything else interesting happen?" Edward asked, his fingers playing with the sleeve of my pajama shirt. I took a deep breath and continued telling him everything I could think of.

I'd been hanging out with both Kate and Angela a lot more recently and I really believed it was going well. I'd also been invited to go out with the whole group again. I had been a little worried at first because I knew Jake would be there. I'd told Edward beforehand. He had still been a little anxious about Jake and I did my best to reassure him. It seemed completely ridiculous to me. Edward had absolutely nothing to worry about, but I was sure most of my insecurities seemed ridiculous to him as well. He always took me seriously and I loved him for it. The least I could do was return the favor.

I'd tried to discuss his concerns with him rationally and I'd promised him that I would be careful and would call him if anything happened. I hadn't left until I was sure that he was genuinely okay with it. _I want to make some friends of my own, but I don't want to drive Edward crazy in the process. _

Through my careful eyes, I'd discovered that night we all went out that maybe my initial assessment was sort of right.

_Okay… he is hitting on me._

It had felt kind of reassuring to know that I did have options. For like 0.3 seconds. Then it was just really inconvenient.

Luckily, it hadn't taken Jake very long to move on. A couple of days later, he'd started looking funny at some other girl and I was immensely relieved. We could actually be friends now.

It all seemed to be going well, but I still couldn't tell if they were actually my _friends_.

I wished that someone would just sit me down and explain this whole friendship thing to me. How do you know you've made a friend? I mean, one minute you're strangers or mere acquaintances or whatever and then the next you're suddenly friends? Is that how it works? Is there one defining moment? That was how it had felt with Edward… One minute we were just study partners and then the next, he had suddenly declared that we were friends.

Or is it a gradual thing? Something that creeps up on you without your even realizing it's happened.

It was all so confusing. I really wished that someone would just explain it to me.

My rambling was interrupted by my phone.

I smiled automatically when I saw that I had a text from Angela. It was a completely silly text with a stupid picture attached to it, but she'd sent it to me because she knew that I'd like it, and I did.

I handed the phone to Edward so he could read it because I knew he would too.

_How can you still doubt that you're friends? You spend time together, you laugh together, you talk to each other, you __mock of each other. She wouldn't keep hanging out with you if she didn't like you. Do you really need official confirmation?_

It was stupid and pathetic, but I think I had been waiting for Angela to actually refer to me as her _friend_, to take the decision out of my hands.

_Yeah, it is stupid. You know better than that now._

Edward handed me back my phone. I took it from him slowly, staring at him thoughtfully.

"What?" he asked.

"Nothing. Just… Is it okay if I invite Angela to hang out with us some time? I think you'll like her and I know she'll like you. Maybe Ben can come too – like a double date. What do you think?"

I did know better. I didn't need to hear her say it. The bottom line was that I thought of Angela as my friend. She was becoming an important part of my life and I wanted Edward to know her.

"I think that sounds like fun."

His casual words made it sound like no big deal but his arms tightened around me and he kissed me slowly, affectionately. He brushed a lock of hair away from my face and smiled at me knowingly. I smiled back.

He knew it was a big deal. We both did.

"Love you," he mumbled and kissed me again. "Goodnight."

He turned out the light and pulled me into him. I tried to get comfortable, but my mind wouldn't shut down.

I didn't know what was wrong with me. Maybe it was the incredible rush I felt when I finally allowed myself to believe that Angela was my friend. I was already really excited about the double-date and I hadn't even invited them yet. I couldn't wait for Edward to meet them. I knew he'd like them both just as much as I did.

My entire body felt alive, infected with nervous energy and excitement.

"Edward…" I whispered, unable to contain myself.

"He's sleeping," he mumbled.

"Oh. Sorry."

"What?"

"Nothing. You're tired. I'll tell you tomorrow. Sorry."

"No, I was kidding." He sat up and turned the light back on. "Tell me now."

"Okay, well… There was this one thing Kate mentioned today that I sort of wanted to ask you about…" I began a little awkwardly. I couldn't believe that I was actually bringing this up. All the nervous energy was making me feel really good, almost-confident.

"Okay. Go ahead."

I'd mainly blushed and fidgeted with my napkin when Kate merrily shoved us down this trail of conversation. Girl talk had never been my forte and she wasn't exactly gentle with me. The girl was definitely, err… honest. She gave me lots of new things to think about.

"Okay, so it's about my… my underwear." I placed my hand on top of his, my fingers immediately playing with Edward's watch of their own volition.

"Good topic. I like it already," he teased and I tried to ignore him.

"I was just wondering if maybe… Doyoupreferparticularcolors?"

He chuckled, then swallowed loudly and whispered his response, "White. And blue looks really nice on you."

Most of my underwear was white or black. I'd long ago thrown away anything I was too embarrassed to let Edward see me in. I didn't own very much blue, but I could definitely buy some.

I let out a relieved sigh. "Thank you for not saying pink."

"I think I know you a little better than that. Look, I like it best when you are…." He swallowed loudly again and whispered the rest of his answer, "enthusiastic. And you're usually like that when you start to feel a little more comfortable."

I felt a bit embarrassed when he described me as 'enthusiastic,' but I managed not to let it get to me. Some of the stuff we did had seemed wrong for so long before I met him - unladylike or something, I guess – but I was slowly starting to let myself enjoy it. I was never quite as uninhibited as Edward, but I was working on it.

_And why shouldn't I enjoy it? We care about each other and we have fun together. What's wrong with that?_

"Do you have any color preferences?" Edward asked, the amusement evident in his voice. "Should I buy new boxers?"

"I like the ones with the penguins on them," I replied with a quiet smile.

He laughed. "Those are so old. I think those were Emmett trying to be funny. I'd throw them away, but you know how much I hate doing laundry."

"Don't throw them away. I like them."

"Maybe… maybe you could choose something new for me? And I could choose something new for you?" he suggested carefully.

My thumb traced the outline of Edward's watch slowly. Let Edward choose something for me to wear? Something so intimate?

Huh.

What if he picked something hideous or really slutty? Like leather or something. Yikes.

_He won't do that. He knows you. You trust him, remember? And it will be the easiest way to find out what he likes._

"Okay," I finally agreed. I couldn't deny that the flipside was intriguing. I'd get to choose something for him too…

"Can it be more than just panties?" he asked tentatively and my heart started to panic.

"I mean something for here," he said, letting his fingers slowly drag along my leg.

"Oh. Yes, absolutely." I was more than comfortable with that.

"Great. And for me nothing too… nothing that resembles Speedos, okay? And just for the record, I don't like pink either."

"I know, don't worry," I cut off his slightly anxious rambling. "I'll take it seriously and choose something I think you'd actually wear."

He smiled and kissed me slowly. I turned out the light again and snuggled closer to him, ready to go to sleep.

I really, really loved this part of the day. The covers were light and soft. Edward's body was solid and real next to mine. My limbs felt liquid and relaxed.

I just felt so warm and safe and happy.

"Goodnight," I mumbled contentedly.

He didn't say it back and he kept kissing my neck, confusing me slightly. It was getting late. I thought we were going to sleep? It was kind of difficult when he did that.

"Um. Aren't you tired?"

"Not anymore," he said, his hands roaming my body freely and pulling me towards him. "Bella, you can't put images in my head and play with my watch and then just say goodnight."

"Why can't I play with your watch?"

"Because that also puts images in my head. It kind of… is it wrong that I get a little turned on now whenever you do that?"

"Oh." I shifted a little and sure enough, there he was – mini-Edward, not-so-patiently waiting for my attention. "Oh. Sorry, but that's very useful information, thank you."

"You're welcome," he mumbled into my neck, conscientiously kissing that spot below my ear.

"Edward," I began in what was hopefully a reluctant tone. "Not now. I'm beat and I have a headache."

"Oh." He froze around me, his face twisting into a weird expression. He looked so adorably disappointed.

"Edward, I'm joking." I grinned mischievously, trying desperately not to laugh.

He exhaled loudly and unfroze, his lips going back to my neck again. "That wasn't funny. It's not nice to tease." _Ha! Look who's talking! _"I'm all upset now. What will you do to make it up to me?"

"It was a little funny," I said and dedicated myself to making it up to him. It didn't take long before we were both breathing heavily, the tension thick and heavy around us.

Almost immediately after we'd said 'I love you' for the first time, a new tension had crept over us, into us. We'd make out like we always did, but it would build and then suddenly… I don't know… there was a stalemate or a precipice or something. We'd just sort of stop and wait and look at each other and pant into each other's mouths.

We both knew that something had changed. Or had almost changed. Or was about to change.

I thought about taking that next step constantly. I wasn't sure when I had turned into a teenage boy, but I thought about _it_ all the fucking time.

I just wasn't completely sure that I was ready. I mean, how are you supposed to know in advance? I wanted to wait for some kind of guarantee that I wouldn't freak out and ruin the experience for him. Unfortunately, I was starting to realize that guarantee just wasn't coming. I'd either freak out or I wouldn't. There was really no way to know until we tried.

_You love him. He loves you. What the hell are you waiting for?_

Some days, I really believed it was that simple. Today was one of those days.

"Doyouwantto?" I blurted out before I could think about it. The words came out by accident, but as soon as they were out, I knew _my _answer to that question.

_I want to. I love him and I want to. I want to try. Let's try._

It's funny… I always thought that when I finally made the decision, it would take me a long time to talk myself into it. I thought I would approach it logically, weigh my options and take some time to think it over. Instead it turned out to be almost spontaneous and there was no logic whatsoever. Maybe it was because Edward was in my bed every night or maybe I was just fed up with letting my fears dictate my actions. I didn't even care why – I just knew that I'd made up my mind.

He looked a little confused so I shifted my lower half until we were um… sort of lined up down there.

His eyes immediately went wide.

"God, you're killing me," he groaned and rolled off of me. He didn't look very happy.

"How am I doing that? I'm not teasing. I'm saying that… you know if you want to… we could…"

"Look, you can't just drop this on me out of nowhere while your hand is on my-" He closed his eyes and shook his head, taking deep calculated breaths. "Bella. My love," he said, pronouncing each word in that careful, deliberate tone I was starting to recognize as the one he used when he was about to say something that might get him into trouble, "I don't know how to say this without sounding like a jerk, but can we maybe have this discussion after the blood has returned to my brain?"

That seemed kind of counter-productive to me. If we were going to have sex, wasn't his blood exactly where it needed to be? But okay… I nodded and turned my attention to mini-Edward again.

* * *

"So you really think you're ready? Like… now? Right now? Tonight?" he said when his breathing had returned to normal. He sounded a little alarmed and I wasn't sure why.

I nodded quietly. "I love you. You love me. What are we waiting for?" The more I kept thinking about it, the more sure I felt. I still had no way of knowing whether I'd freak out, but I wanted to at least try. I'd get these bursts of almost-confidence, of clarity sometimes and that seemed like the best time to try. I almost felt a little bold tonight. "Unless _you're_ not ready…"

"I'm ready. Believe me, I'm ready," he replied immediately. "But… tonight? It's already late and we've got to get up early for class tomorrow. And here in your dorm room?" he questioned in that same strange tone.

"What's wrong with my dorm room?" I asked a little defensively, looking around the familiar room fondly. I wasn't sure precisely when it had started, but I thought of my room as home now. Which was pretty silly… it was only college accommodation after all.

And why the fuck were people so worried about _where_ they lost their virginity? Wasn't _who_ more important?

"As long as you're there, I don't really care where we are. Well, okay, as long as you're there and it's somewhere private. I want it to be with you and _only_ you, if you know what I mean."

That made him smile a little, but he still looked really tense.

"Edward, what's going on? Why does it seem like you're suddenly more nervous about this than I am?"

"I'm not nervous," he almost snapped, sounding kind of defensive. "Okay, a little," he sighed. "There's just… there's a lot of pressure on me to make it good. I've never been with a virgin before. It's your first time; I want it to be good for you. This isn't something we can undo. The idea that you might regret it in the morning…" He shook his head feebly. "And it's been a while for me. I don't know how long I'm going to last."

"I don't care about that. I'm not going to time you, I promise. It's not a test. There's no pressure. I'm really not expecting much at all."

"Oh, great. Thanks, Bella," he teased. He chuckled and I joined in when I realized how that had sounded.

"I don't mean to say that you're not… I'm sure you're… really excellent. I just meant that I know it'll probably hurt, but I also know it will get better."

I didn't even care if our first time was a success or a failure. Okay, that was a little bit of a lie – I was hoping for success. I just knew that even if it was a disaster, we'd try again. That's just how Edward and I worked. He wasn't going anywhere and I wasn't going anywhere and we'd keep trying until we got it right. Once I finally realized that, it seemed silly to keep waiting.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure that I love you and I want to try, yes. I'm sure. I _won't_ regret it," I stated, trying to pour as much certainty as possible into those words.

"Okay," he whispered and kissed the back of my hand. "But not tonight. We have to be up in like five hours. It's just not the right night. But soon, okay?"

"Okay," I said and nestled into his side again as he drifted off to sleep while I laid awake, thinking as usual.

* * *

In retrospect, I was a little glad that Edward had vetoed my suggestion to try tonight. He was right. We had class in the morning and we wouldn't be able to wake up, lazy in each other's arms. I also needed some time to prepare, physically and mentally. Now that my almost-confidence was wearing off, doubtful thoughts were starting to creep back in. The doubt was there, of course, it always was, but there was something else there too, urging me to fight back, to at least try. There was doubt and fear but there was also desire and love and trust.

_Soon… Soon sounds good._

_

* * *

_

**A/N: I'm going to say my thank you's in this chapter, but the next one should already be up.**

**Thank you to thequietlife, Irritable Grizzzly and revrag for their contributions to the direction of this story. **

**Thanks for reading. I'm kind of nervous. I hope you guys like this update. **


	29. Puzzle Pieces

**FF Alerts aren't working but this is a double post. Chapter 28 and 29.  
**

**Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. **

**Chapter title: Puzzle pieces**

* * *

_Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god._

I stood there, stupidly gawking at myself in the mirror. I knew exactly what would happen as soon as I walked out of the bathroom. The tension between Edward and I had reached an all-time high. We seemed to have arrived at a silent agreement that tonight would be the night.

_Tonight. Now. Right now. Oh my god, this is really happening tonight._

He was out there in the black silk boxers I'd chosen for him after an awkward shopping trip this afternoon.

And I was in here, stalling.

In retrospect, I don't think I would have managed to walk out of that bathroom if it hadn't been for what Edward chose for me.

He picked white lace panties and these stocking things that went up to my thighs. They were certainly scarier than the rest of my underwear, but compared to all the horrific stuff he could've chosen, I was more than a little relieved. They were scary and a little out of my comfort zone, but they were also something I could actually see myself wearing occasionally, if that made any sense. I just felt like myself in them, I guess. It didn't feel like I was pretending.

The thing I liked best though, the thing that made me walk out of that goddamn bathroom, was that he'd also chosen a new shirt for me. Well, it wasn't really new. It was one of his shirts and it smelled like him and I loved wearing it. I think I fell a little more in love with him when he gave me his shirt.

_Okay, Bella. Let's go. You're ready. You've showered and shaved. You even did your hair and everything. There's nothing left to do but walk out of this damn bathroom. Go. _

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.

_Tonight. I'm sure. I want this. WE want this. Tonight._

I walked out to find Edward sitting on my bed. He stood up hesitantly when I stopped in front of him.

He let his eyes roam freely along my body, slowly taking in my new attire. I felt my cheeks immediately turn pink, but managed to distract myself by focusing on _his_ new attire. I was really happy with my choice, let's just leave it that.

I took a small step closer and so did he, until we were almost touching.

"Are you scared?" he whispered, trailing his fingertips along my cheek in that gentle way that made me feel fragile and unbreakable at the same time.

I think he was referring to the fact that my whole body was trembling.

"I'm everything. Scared and excited and sure and terrified and a dozen other things," I mumbled and offered him a small smile. "How are you?"

"Pretty much the same, I think."

His fingers slowly travelled over my face before sinking into my hair. I closed my eyes and just enjoyed the feeling.

His thumb ran over my bottom lip and I let out a shaky breath. I opened my eyes and just looked at him. _How can it feel like I'm seeing him for the first time tonight AND like I've known him all my life at the same time?_

Our lips inched closer, slowly and hesitantly but also somehow confidently, until they finally met in a soft kiss. It was uncertain and awkward, but as soon as we started kissing, I felt a little better. It was so… familiar. It just felt right.

"Edward," I whispered because it was the only thing that came to mind.

He silently led us towards our bed and gently deposited me in the middle, my knees slightly bent. I tried not to fidget too much as I watched him join me on the bed, kneeling by my feet.

He lifted each of my legs and I watched him pull the stockings off slowly, first the left and then the right, raining little tiny kisses on my ankle, my calf, the back of my knee.

I couldn't help but smile quietly. He looked really cute when he was concentrating hard like that.

His fingers played with the bottom of my shirt, lifting it up slightly, and that's when it hit me.

_Oh my god. He's not going to try to take my shirt off is he?_

I don't know why it hadn't clicked before that sex usually meant being completely naked. It was fucking stupid of me, but I hadn't put the two together.

_Shit. Shit. Shit. No, I can't. I wish I could, but I can't. _

I wished that I could've just taken that shirt off, but I was already gripping it for dear life. It was the only thing that was helping me stay calm.

I was dangerously close to panicking when he placed a small kiss underneath my belly button and whispered, "It looks better on you." He moved on to my hip bone, leaving my shirt exactly where it was, and I was finally able to relax again. I was ridiculously grateful that he wasn't going to push me to take it off.

My relief was short-lived. The shirt was safe, but before I knew what was happening, he lowered his face and placed a small kiss err – _there_ – over my panties.

"What are you doing?" I blurted out. I couldn't keep the terror out of my voice. My knees immediately closed and Edward leaned back tentatively.

Even though I'd always kept things neat down there since Edward had started touching me (and thank God I had), there was still so much to worry about: the taste, the smell, the feel... the sounds… God, I did NOT want him going down there. Doing it to him was so much easier than letting him do it to me.

"I want to make you feel good. Just try to relax – it will help. The more relaxed you are, the better. We'll go slowly. If you say stop at any point, I swear I'll stop."

His hands rested on my knees softly, just waiting.

I didn't want to do this, but I also sort of did. I truly enjoyed making him feel good… was it possible that he felt the same way?

I looked into his eyes and told myself that it was just Edward and that I trusted him and wanted this.

I let my knees part slowly and his fingers trailed down my legs.

_I trust him. I'm not going to fight. I'm just going to let him lead. _

"Lift up," he whispered and I did, but I didn't watch him pull off my panties.

I'd never felt so goddamned exposed before. My fingers seized my shirt, my only safety blanket, and it kind of made me feel a little better. I wasn't _completely naked_. He'd seen everything below the waist already anyway. I could handle this.

He kissed the inside of my thigh and it made me jump a little. I considered maybe actually watching. I was staring off to the side and it made everything feel even scarier because I couldn't predict what he would do next.

I clutched my shirt, crushing the material with my fingers. I bit my lip and peeked down at him timidly when I felt his fingers and his mouth err… _there_… and okay, the view was sort of nice. He reached for one of my hands and placed it in his hair and I ran my trembling fingers through it gently.

_Okay, just focus on how it feels__. Not what he's actually doing._

_And stay still. Dear lord, j__ust stay still. And stop making those stupid noises. _

I tried _so_ hard to keep my hips still. I was sure he didn't want me moving while he was down there, but despite my best efforts, there was jerking and twitching and god-awful sounds that I couldn't suppress. It felt like my entire back would lift with each labored breath and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

The only thing that kept me from vetoing was the fact that he seemed really… _What was that word that Edward used? Oh yes._ Enthusiastic. He'd run his hands over my hips, pulling me towards him, welcoming and eager. He looked up at me with greedy eyes and I immediately understood why he liked it when I looked up at him. It made everything feel raw and stripped and I could see it in his eyes that he wanted this, that he wanted _me_.

I wanted him too.

When I wasn't sure if I was shaking from fear or from pleasure, he kissed the inside of my thigh one last time and got up so he could take off his boxers.

I watched him put a condom on and move to lie over me. I promised him that I was sure before he could ask.

I was anxious as hell, but I was sure.

"Here," he whispered, placing one of my hands on his shoulder. I wrapped my arms around him and clung to him with everything I had.

There was a lot of awkward fumbling and adjusting and pausing, during which I tried my best to look sure and not terrified even though I was both. _It's Edward. It's Edward. It's Edward_, I chanted to myself, over and over and it helped. Edward whispered that he loved me and offered me a nervous smile and that helped too.

After what seemed like an hour, he was finally… you know… inside me.

He kept still, his elbows on either side of me, his fingers clutching at the sheets, and I was grateful for the time.

It felt _so_ weird.

And 'fit together like puzzle pieces' my ass!!

It didn't fucking fit. That was the whole problem. I could feel myself… stretching down there and it fucking hurt. There was stinging and burning and sharp pain and pain and-

_Okay, Bella, enough. Stop thinking about the pain. That's not helping. Open your eyes and focus on something else._

I opened my eyes to see Edward staring down at me. He just looked so concerned.

"Are you okay? Do you want to stop?" he whispered.

I was surprised to find that Edward was also shaking slightly, presumably from trying to stay still for so long.

"I'm fine. Don't stop."

I loosened my grip on his shoulders. I hadn't realized that my nails were digging into his skin.

"Can you just – will you kiss me, please?" I mumbled. _You're having sex but asking for a kiss makes you blush? You're so pathetic._ I didn't want to stop, but I really needed something different to focus on, something other than the pain and the weirdness.

He nodded and kissed me over and over. Lingering kisses and soft kisses and loving kisses and hungry kisses when I finally shifted my hips against Edward's experimentally, and he started slowly moving against me.

I couldn't catch my breath and I couldn't make the thoughts in my head settle down.

To be honest, even though the kissing helped me to relax a little, it still didn't feel good. The pain had faded, but it didn't completely go away and it all felt so new and just… weird.

The movies said that it would feel right and magical and amazing, but it didn't. At least not for me. I couldn't help but think that if I had been a normal girl with a life, I would have probably lost my virginity years ago and now Edward and I could be having fun, fitting like puzzle pieces and all that.

It was a useless, unhelpful thought so I tried to ignore it. Freaking out was the last thing I needed to do right now.

The fact was that I wasn't one of those girls, and there really wasn't anything I could do about it. This is what I had. Right now. Nothing more, nothing less.

This is what I had and actually I had _a lot_. I was really very lucky. I had Edward and we were in love and even if this first time did feel kind of painful, I knew we'd try again and it would get better.

_Okay, Bella. Snap out of it now__. Your boyfriend is making love to you for crying out loud! _

I resolved not to dwell on the weirdness. I tried to focus on the parts I liked.

I liked Edward's kisses, how his lips kept nudging mine, kept coming back to rest softly on top of mine.

I liked how close he was, that I could feel his breaths turn into pants, hot against my cheek, his breath mixing with mine.

When his pants turned into moans, his movements became more urgent and erratic against me until he suddenly stilled and grunted into my neck.

"Bella," he moaned and my heart swelled.

A part of me was kind of relieved that he was almost done because I was uncomfortable. However, a much larger part of me liked feeling his weight on me, liked making him feel good. I had been so sure this would never be possible for us and yet, here we were.

I wrapped my arms and legs around him as tightly as I could, rubbing his back gently while his breathing started to quieten a little._ God, I love him so fucking much._

I wasn't sure how long we stayed that way. For a moment, I thought he had fallen asleep, but then he raised his head and found my eyes, locks of his damp hair tickling my forehead.

I swallowed down the lump in my throat. I was pleasantly surprised to find that I had no desire to look away.

I lifted my head ever so slightly so that my lips could graze his.

His lips lingered on the corner of my mouth and then my jaw, before he got up and disposed of the condom. I let him pick me up when he reached for me and he carried me into the bathroom.

I really wished he'd say something, but we were both really quiet. I guess there was nothing to say.

He opened the bathroom door with one hand, clutching me to his body with the other. For a second I thought he was taking me to the shower, but I guess that was out because I was still wearing his shirt. He set me down and hovered awkwardly. It looked like he was trying to decide whether he should leave or not.

A shower sounded like a good idea, but I didn't want him to leave so I searched around for a towel or something instead and cleaned myself up quietly, trying to look without actually seeing anything down there.

I noticed Edward staring at me out of the corner of my eye. He looked a little nervous, maybe even a little scared. I knew what he was thinking and I wanted to put his mind at ease.

I swallowed loudly and took a tentative step towards him. I reached for him with awkward arms and hugged him timidly. I don't know why I was so freaking timid. We'd done a hell of a lot more than hug today, but it still felt intimate and close and kind of scary. I was insanely relieved when he hugged me back. I don't know why that hug felt so terribly important, but it did. I had this irrational urge to cry or laugh or something.

"I don't regret it," I whispered, placing a tiny kiss by his collarbone.

I felt him exhale into my hair and kiss the top of my head softly. "Let's go back to bed."

* * *

Edward passed out as soon as his head hit the pillow that night. I fussed with the covers until they were over us, kissed his shoulder and curled up next to him. I'd hoped that I'd immediately follow him to sleep, but my mind was racing. There were painful thoughts and intimate thoughts and even completely stupid random thoughts.

There were too many of them to work through tonight, so I didn't even bother trying to untangle them all. It took me a long time to fall asleep because the weird feeling was still there.

The last thing I remember thinking was that even though it hadn't felt good, I was still really glad Edward was here, sleeping next to me. I wanted to wake up with him again and again and again.

That and: _I guess I'm not going to die a virgin after all. _

Huh.


	30. I want more

**I'm just posting one chapter this time. Last time there was some confusion. If you haven't read both the chapters I posted (28 and 29), this chapter won't make sense.**

**Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer, not me.  
**

**Reminder:**** Bella finally put out but she kept her shirt on. Bella and Edward agreed to go on a double date with Angela and Ben. Ben is the guy who told the Sirius/serious joke in chapter 23. **

**Chapter Title: I want more**

* * *

I woke up to find a sleepy Edward watching me from the opposite side of the bed, his face unreadable. I didn't like the fact that we weren't touching, but I made no move to correct the situation. I just tried to squint back at him.

There was only one thought in my head and it seemed to have taken up permanent residence in my mind:

_We had sex. Sex. Edward and I. Sex. Oh my god, I'm not a virgin anymore. And the boy I did it with is __right here__. _

I studied him quietly. He didn't look any different, but he also sort of did. Somehow all the details seemed more prominent this morning. His hair was sticking up at odd angles and he had some kind of weird imprint on the side of his face, presumably from sleeping in a strange position.

_God, he's __right here. _

My fingers inched towards him and rested tentatively on his forearm.

I'm not sure who smiled first, but suddenly we were both smiling like idiots. When his body immediately reacted by shifting closer, my hand blindly made its way up his arm and to his shoulder, sporadically clinging to him and pulling him towards me. When I was finally in his arms again, that familiar feeling enveloped me and the awkwardness left us alone for a while.

I couldn't think of anything I wanted to say, so I just placed a lazy kiss on his neck and let my body rest against his.

"How do you feel?" he mumbled, not quite managing to suppress a yawn.

"A little sore. But really, really happy," I decided. "Then again, I felt really happy yesterday too. I don't feel any different. Do I look different?"

"Not to me," he replied casually, shrugging.

"Are we different?" I asked quietly, tracing a tiny pattern on Edward's chest. Were you supposed to act differently after sex?

"I hope not." I wasn't sure if his words were solely aimed at me.

"Yeah, me too," I said to no one in particular.

He nuzzled his face into my hair and his hand covered mine.

"What do you want to do today?"

"Just this," I sighed and snuggled closer. He was so warm and so real and I loved him so much. I was really, really happy and this happiness thing was definitely not overrated.

"Okay, but I need to pee."

He kissed my forehead and unceremoniously rolled out of bed. Watching him saunter to the bathroom, completely naked and completely undisturbed by the fact that he was nakedly stumbling around my room, made me smile, but it also made me a tiny bit sad.

_Is it stupid that I want to parade around naked in front of him too?_

He seemed so free and unashamed, so comfortable. Comfortable with _me_. It was a gift and I so desperately wanted to return the favor. I was so fed up of being careful. I wanted to be careless and carefree.

I wasn't sorry that I'd lost my virginity with Edward, but I did have one regret.

I should've taken off my shirt.

* * *

"So what should we do on our double date?" I asked Angela the next day over coffee at Starbucks.

I'd invited her and Ben immediately after I'd discussed it with Edward and both of them had accepted, but we still hadn't worked out the details. In particular, we couldn't decide what we should do.

"I'm going to veto clubbing and fraternity parties right now," I stated unnecessarily, since neither Angela nor Ben were the clubbing type.

"We should do something different though," Angela mused.

"Like what?"

"I don't know," she sighed, "What do you feel like doing? And don't say dinner and drinks and a movie because that's pretty much all Ben and I do other than his nonstop conventions."

"Okay, um… we could... Edward is teaching me how to play video games with him," I offered lamely.

"This is ridiculous. I can't think of anything even remotely exciting that I actually want to do. Have we grown old before our time?" she mocked. "We're boring, dull people," she said, but with a smile.

"Yep. I guess we are. I think I'm okay with that, though," I said and I meant it. I liked being boring. I just didn't like being lonely. Finding a handful of people who liked being boring with me… that was my dream come true.

"Dinner it is then," she chuckled.

"Something kind of exciting did happen the other night, though…" I began a few moments later. "Can I tell you a secret?" I whispered impatiently, leaning towards her.

"Yes, please. I'm very good at keeping secrets, promise."

She put her coffee mug down immediately and mimicked my posture, her eyes suddenly alive with curiosity.

"Good, because I feel like if I don't tell someone, I'm gonna go mad."

"Oh my god, you had sex," she blurted out.

"Shhhh. Why don't you just post it on the internet? Geez," I whispered, looking around nervously to see how many people were staring at me now. None. Huh. Okay. "And you just couldn't wait for me to actually tell you, could you? Thanks for stealing my thunder," I teased.

"I'm sorry, but… And? How was it?"

"It was… good. Kind of painful, though. But it was still really good, in a weird way. It wasn't what I thought it would be, but it was good…" I tried to explain uncertainly.

"Keep doing it. It'll get better," she stated authoritatively.

She leaned back in her chair and smirked at me knowingly. I was about to roll my eyes when I suddenly realized what I'd just told her.

Did I seriously just confess to my very _new_ friend that I'd just been… what… deflowered?

_Jesus._ I was really letting my guard down around her, now that I'd decided we were friends, and to be honest, it was kind of scary. _What if she tells everyone?_ Sometimes when you feel utterly deprived of friendship, you can blurt out the most personal things at the first opportunity. I wanted to be honest with her and share this personal stuff, but I also wanted to go slow. Our friendship was still new and I didn't want to force it or put too much pressure on it.

_She's not going to tell anyone. Sometimes you just have to put yourself out there. Stop panicking._

I managed to regain my composure fairly quickly, and in the end I didn't regret my confession. When she told me about her first time and how Ben had accidentally elbowed her in the ribs, I was actually really glad that I'd told her. It was good to talk to another _girl_ about this stuff. I loved Edward and I really did feel like I could talk to him about pretty much everything, but he was definitely a boy.

* * *

We did keep doing it. The second and third time weren't exactly amazing either, but it was definitely starting to feel a lot better. It helped that he was always careful and gentle with me, although we were both still kind of awkward.

My favorite part was always at the very end, when Edward's body would become more desperate against mine. He'd clutch me close to him and I'd wrap my arms and legs around him and run my hands down his back and over his shoulders and through his hair and pretty much everywhere else I could reach. I'd feel him panting against my cheek, his lips jumping impatiently from my neck to my jaw to my mouth, his unrestrained moans surrounding me.

I really loved that moment.

Then his body would become heavy and exhausted against mine and it just felt so good knowing that I was making him feel good, that I was taking care of him and holding him and loving him.

I so wanted to reciprocate, to let go and lose myself with him. Not that he wasn't taking care of me – because he was - usually before. But I wanted it to happen _during_. When we were joined like that, connected.

It was just really difficult to allow myself to… I don't know… relax and just feel.

It was that stupid fucking shirt. I tried to convince myself to take it off, but the very idea filled my stomach with horrified butterflies. They'd crash against my insides until that feeling of dread was the only thing left. I wanted to. I really did. I just couldn't.

But I knew it would happen eventually. We'd only done it a few times and everything was still new and scary. I just needed to be patient and give myself some time to get used to it all.

_Just be patient and stop expecting instant results_, I told myself over and over. _It's still new. You just need some time._

* * *

"God, Edward. How the fuck do you always do that?"

I felt both exasperated and impressed with him. Okay, I was also a tiny bit envious.

"Do what?" he shrugged, his face nonchalance personified.

We were on our way to meet up with Angela and Ben for our double date and I couldn't believe how relaxed he was. After all the drama we'd been through over this, he still somehow managed to make it seem like it was no big deal.

"You're so composed all the time," I said. It sounded like an accusation and a compliment all at once.

_I_ was anything but composed. I felt edgy and restless and really nervous. It was like I was leading two separate lives for a while there, and now my identities were merging. I couldn't help but feel like I was losing something. At the same time, I knew I was also gaining something. I wanted the merge to happen. I really, really did, but I desperately wanted everything to go well.

_Wouldn't it be nice for one thing in my life to just go smoothly? Wouldn't it be nice not to lose so consistently all the time? _

I wasn't sure what to expect. _They're not going to talk about me, right? What if Edward doesn't like them? Or Ben only agreed to the double date because Angela made him? _

_How am I supposed to act around them now?_

Edward liked to touch me a lot and while I enjoyed it when it was just us, I wasn't sure how openly affectionate I was comfortable being in front of them. They weren't one of those mushy couples. It was immediately obvious that they were together from the way they looked at each other, but they hardly ever kissed in front of people.

_What if they don't like Edward?_

_No, Bella. Now you're just being ridiculous. Everybody likes Edward._ That was probably the only thing I wasn't really worried about.

Everything else… yeah, I was nervous. But I wasn't _just_ nervous. I was also really excited. I wanted them to know each other.

"Seriously, how do you do it… this constantly calm thing? What's your secret?" I asked again when his only response was to put his arm around me.

"You really don't know?" he chuckled. He stopped walking and drew me into his arms, tucking my head under his chin. "Sometimes I fake it," he whispered in my ear.

Huh.

"Come on, we don't want to be late. I want your friends to like me," he said. One of his hands trailed down my arm until our fingers were securely tangled and he tugged me down the street.

We arrived first and found a good table. I was a little surprised to realize that Edward's leg kept jerking restlessly every now and again while we waited. I placed my hand on his knee and saw him smile quietly out of the corner of my eye.

I saw the same smile a few minutes later when Angela and Ben showed up and I introduced him as my boyfriend. I managed to somehow make it sound like a question and a boast at the same time, but at least I said it. I think it was the first time I'd called him that when we were with other people.

Angela gave me a hug, which was unexpected but kind of nice, while Ben and Edward nodded at each other.

I cringed internally when Angela told Edward it was nice to meet him _again. _

_No, no, no. I refuse to think about that. Move along, Bella._

We took our seats a little awkwardly. I wasn't staring at my lap. I was actually smiling for once, but, unsurprisingly, I couldn't think of anything to say.

Edward didn't have that problem. He just dug into the usual small talk questions with Angela and Ben and I was really happy to see them starting to get to know each other.

When the waiter hovered by our table, the guys both ordered a beer while Angela asked for orange juice. He looked to me and waited.

Angela wasn't drinking alcohol so it would have been no big deal if I didn't either, but…

"May I have a rum and coke, please?" I said.

Edward glanced at me but didn't say anything.

I wasn't sure if he was worried, but he really didn't need to be. I had no intention of getting _that _drunk ever again, but surely that didn't mean _never _drinking alcohol. There was a middle ground, wasn't there? It's all about moderation or something. I was just going to have one. Not for the liquid courage, not because Ben and Edward were drinking alcohol… just because I felt like it.

It felt good to do something "just because".

It hadn't even been fifteen minutes since they'd met, but Ben and Edward were already talking animatedly. It felt a little strange when I heard them tell each other something they'd already told me. Part of me was unintentionally checking to hear if the version they offered each other was the same one they'd given me, before I caught myself and told myself to stop being absurd. I wondered if it felt weird for Edward - he knew all sorts of information about Ben and Angela from our rambling sessions.

I tried not to let my mind go there and just chat with Angela. It was going well and I wasn't about to ruin it.

"No, man, I'm serious. You put a bar of soap in the microwave and it like bubbles and swells to five times its size. If you microwave potato chip packets they shrink. You should try it. Preferably with someone else's microwave," Edward said, sprawled out in his seat. "Just don't leave them in for too long. You don't want to set off the fire alarm in the dorms. Trust me."

How they got onto this topic I'd never know.

_God, he's so good at this!_ I could see Ben's eyes already shining with admiration. It was kind of amazing to witness.

"I'm sorry, but this isn't what I ordered," I told the waiter a bit timidly when he brought our food. I caught Edward immediately turning towards me out of the corner of my eye.

"Oh, yes of course. Sorry. Wrong table. Your food will be ready in a moment," the waiter quickly replied as he took the plate away, and I let myself start breathing again. I was a little proud that I'd managed to deal with it quickly and quietly, sans Edward's help.

"Tsk. Tsk. He'll have to tray, tray, tray again," Ben said, laughing at his own joke.

I don't know what came over me. I just started giggling uncontrollably.

Edward looked kind of confused and I tried to remember if I'd told him about Ben's sense of humor, or lack thereof. The boy liked his puns.

"You know because he's a waiter and he made a mistake so he'll have to 'tray' again…" Ben explained happily while Angela shook her head.

It just made me laugh harder. I don't know what was wrong with me. It wasn't even funny, but I just couldn't stop laughing. It definitely wasn't the alcohol because my glass was still three-quarters full. Maybe it was the nerves finally bubbling over or I was just a freak, but I couldn't get myself together.

"Bella thinks I'm funny," Ben shrugged.

Edward threw me a weird glance and I tried to hide my red face against his shoulder, but I guess it was infectious because he started laughing too. Of course, he was probably laughing _at _me. I wondered half-heartedly if he thought my friends (and me by extension) were really lame and dorky, but quickly managed to come to my senses. If that was an issue for him, he wouldn't be dating _me_.

"Sorry. I'm gonna try to act sane now, promise," I choked out when I managed to calm down and catch my breath. I was a little embarrassed by my outburst, but at the same time I really didn't fucking care. It was nice not to care for once. I was just happy to be here with the three of them, even if we were being completely dorky and bizarre.

"That's one way of pudding it," Edward joked and I smiled.

"That's a good one!" Ben gasped. He looked delighted that someone was finally humoring him. I wondered exactly what a man-crush looked like. "Lettuce see what else we can come up with."

"Wine not?" Angela gave in reluctantly.

I let myself relax and just enjoy the evening after that. All three of them had seen me do stupid things and I'd seen them make idiots out of themselves too. Nobody cared. I just let myself say whatever I wanted to and stopped worrying whether it sounded weird or stupid or crazy.

It felt good to just be myself without constantly worrying about whether these people liked me. I already knew they did.

* * *

"See you at the club on Friday, Bella. Edward, man, you should come along if you're interested," Ben said, never missing an opportunity to recruit fresh meat. "You'll be a little behind, but Bella can catch you up."

Edward paused and looked to me for my reaction. I nodded eagerly.

"Thanks for inviting me. Really," he said, squeezing my hand to let me know his words were directed at me as well, "but Fridays aren't good for me."

_And you have absolutely no interest in astronomy_, I added in my head.

I would've been happy to have him there now that I felt a little more confident around my new friends, but if it wasn't his thing, then of course he shouldn't feel compelled to go. It was kind of good that we had our own individual interests.

"We should do this again sometime though," Edward suggested and I smiled.

"Bella and I were talking and we think it might be fun to go camping at some point. Just one night somewhere. Something different, you know?" Angela added and we all nodded. "Jake's family goes camping all the time, so he's got all the equipment covered. Just an idea. I'll talk to him and try to arrange something."

"Sounds good."

* * *

We said goodnight and parted when our paths diverged. I smiled when I saw Ben put his arm around Angela and she leaned into him as they walked away from us. I made a mental note to ask her how long they'd been together.

Edward squeezed my hand again, recapturing my attention. We wandered aimlessly for a while, talking quietly.

"I think that went well," Edward said, "I can see why you like them."

"Do _you _like them?" I asked, unconsciously holding my breath a little. I kept telling myself that it would be okay if he didn't, but I knew I'd be disappointed if he didn't want to hang out with them.

"Yeah, they're funny. In an unintentional kind of way. If Ben could just learn how to deadpan, he'd be sort of entertaining."

"Be serious. It's okay if you don't. I know we're not always gonna like the same people."

"I am! I like them a lot." He stopped walking and drew me in for a hug. "Going camping with them sounds fun. It'd be good to get out of college for a night," he mumbled, making me really happy. "You and me… in a tent… in the middle of nowhere…" he whispered, his hand slowly dragging up my arm.

"Surrounded by a bunch of our friends in the tents next to us?" I added.

"Hmm… well then we'll just have to be really, really quiet, won't we?" he whispered and I shivered a little.

He grinned and pulled away abruptly before I could think of a reply.

We started walking again and I just felt really good that the evening had been a success.

Another 'opportunity' down. All I could think was: _what's the next one going to be?_

It was like a drug or something. That intense rush I felt when I managed to overcome something that used to scare the shit out of me was almost addictive. Having something to yearn for, something that drives you and gives you purpose… I'd forgotten just how fucking good ambition feels.

_I can't believe I managed this. What else am I capable of?_

Of course, that feeling was immediately snuffed out when the next obstacle was staring me in the face, but still… It was during these moments that I actually felt determined and excited about my future. It was a nice change from that constant feeling of dread.

"Edward, may I run something by you?" I asked, wanting to take advantage of the unbreakable feeling while it lasted.

"I think I've… you know… progressed," I mumbled when he nodded.

"You have. A lot, Bella. I'm so ridiculously proud of you, you have no fucking idea," he stated, squeezing my hand again.

"Thanks," I mumbled to my shoes, my cheeks immediately heating up. "I'm really happy but… I want more. I know I've still got stuff I need to work on and I want to work on it. I feel sure about what I want for once. I want to do more. I want to try harder. Now that I've finally started making progress, I just want to keep going and going and going."

"Okay… That's good."

"I think maybe… Do you know that Dartmouth has a free counseling service for students?" I asked his shirt.

"Yeah, I think I remember them mentioning that to us when we were freshmen."

I swallowed nervously and met his eyes. "I think maybe I should make an appointment? I mean it's free and I've always sort of wondered about it, but I was always too terrified to try it. I don't know if it will help, but it's worth a try, right? It might be good to talk to a professional… a stranger. Or do you think it will just make things worse? Even if it doesn't actually help, the fact I made myself try it… Do you think it's a good opportunity?" I asked, feeling even more conflicted now than before I'd tried to explain my thoughts to him.

He exhaled shakily, staring at me. He didn't reply right away, which was making me (more) nervous.

"Do _you_ think it's a good opportunity?" he finally asked me.

"I don't know. I'm not sure. Sometimes I do… but then sometimes I don't. What do you think?"

He shook his head and scraped his hands through his hair. "I don't want to tell you what to do," he groaned, making the words sound almost painful to say, "Do whatever you think is best for you, okay?"

I sighed heavily and let my gaze retreat back to my shoes.

A part of me really wished that he'd just tell me whether it was a good idea or not, but I also knew why he was uncomfortable doing that and I didn't want to push him into it. He didn't have anywhere near as many issues as I did, but he had a few that he was trying to work on as well, and I wasn't about to make it harder on him if I could help it.

I hugged him tightly and mumbled, "I think maybe I'm gonna try to make an appointment… maybe… I don't know." I guess I'd just have to figure out what I should do on my own. "I'll let you know when I decide, okay?"

"May I just say one thing, Bella? It has nothing to do with whether you should do this, but I want to make sure you don't forget it," he said, pulling away slightly and securely fixing his eyes on mine, "I'm so ridiculously proud of all the progress you've made and I loved watching you just have fun tonight, BUT…" he broke off, "I've loved you for a long time, okay? _Before_ all the opportunities started. And one of the things I like best is the fact that, despite everything, you're still just you." He kissed the back of my hand and then I kissed his.

"That's it. I'm done talking," he said and I nodded because I was done talking too.

"Bedtime, now?" I asked hopefully.

He nodded and we walked back to my dorm room in peaceful silence.

My mind was surprisingly quiet. I had a decision to make, but hadn't I already made it months ago?

* * *

**A/N: Thanks to thequietlife, Irritable Grizzzly and everyone reading and reviewing. I don't know if you're getting my replies because of all the technical issues, so I'll just thank you here too. Thanks :)**


	31. Movie moments

**Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**

**Reminder: Bella and Edward went on a double date with Ben and Angela. It went very well. Bella's starting to feel good about her progress and is eager to keep going. She tried to discuss making an appointment at Dartmouth's counselling service for students with Edward, but he doesn't want to tell her what to do so he deliberately tried to leave it completely up to her, as per the plan they came up with in chapters 25-27.**

**Chapter Title: Movie moments**

* * *

It didn't take long for me to scrape enough courage together to make an appointment.

I felt confident and determined when I woke up the next day, still on a high from the success of our double date. I tried not to think about what I was about to do because I didn't want to let that indestructible feeling slip away. Even if the counseling didn't work, it was worth a try, and something that had been secretly hibernating in the back of my mind since my freshman year but I knew I didn't have the guts to do it back then.

Now I finally did.

I was a little overconfident about all the progress I'd made and I was fucking tired of overanalyzing every single thing. I just wanted to grab the bull by the horns - or something like that.

I didn't think about it – I just did it, and it felt good to take action, to jump in head-first, guns blazing. Like in the movies, you know? When the main character has had enough and just fucking snaps and goes for the big gesture. They play the heroic music in the background and you see him let everything go and just act. That was always my favorite moment. It almost didn't even matter if the big gesture worked or not. Well, not to me anyway.

I made an appointment and got my very own movie moment. I swear to god, I could almost hear the inspirational music in my head. To say I felt smug about it was the understatement of the century. I mean, I actually did it! On my own! Edward wasn't even there – I just happily told him about it later.

And if my appointment had been the next day or the day after, maybe everything would've been fine. Maybe I would've been allowed to feel smug and powerful and capable for a little while longer.

But of course it wasn't. My life just didn't work that way. I got my appointment, but it wasn't right away. I had to wait.

And boy, did I suck at waiting.

Whoever said the first step is the hardest was clearly a moron. Or, you know, normal.

Every day a little bit more of my "confidence" would forsake me. That wonderful, certain feeling dwindled away, one tiny bit at a time, slowly but surely, until there was none left.

Time would speed up, and then suddenly slow down just to fuck with me, every second dragging on and on while I came up with reason after reason why I had made a terrible, life-altering mistake.

By the time the night before my appointment finally skulked in, I was. err…not in a good place.

"I don't know if I can make myself go tomorrow," I confessed to Edward, blurting out all the horrifying thoughts crashing around in my head, "Some stranger is gonna be interrogating me about stuff I've only ever shared with you. I know it's a good idea and it might actually help, but it feels like such a huge risk.

They say it's confidential, but there's gonna be written proof of my problems somewhere out there now. With _my name_ on it! There's like forms to fill out… with really personal questions. God, Edward! I already had to fill out some stuff when I made the appointment. All this shit about me is gonna be written down somewhere. What if someone finds out?" I rambled, pacing around my room in my pajama shirt while Edward sat on the bed and watched me.

"What if my _professors _find out? I'm going to need them to write references for me when I start applying for jobs. Who on earth would hire me if they knew this shit? God, what if _Renee and Charlie and Phil_ find out? They can't _ever _find out. They just can't. They can't. They really can't," I choked out, my thoughts pushing me down a familiar path.

"Bella," Edward said, but I barely heard him.

"Oh, fuck. I should never be allowed to make impulsive decisions. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. It's too late. They already have my name. I can't take it back. Someone's going to find out. Fuck."

"Bella," Edward said again, louder this time, his hands suddenly on my shoulders, stopping me from pacing. "Look at me," he said, his grip on my shoulders tightening, and I did. "Breathe, love."

Had I stopped? I tried to take deep breaths and just focus on Edward's face. The face I saw almost every day. He looked familiar and ordinary, but in a really good way. I just knew his face very well.

"Bella," he began carefully, but I already knew what he was going to say so I cut him off.

"I know, I know. I'm panicking and I'm only focusing on the negative. I need to look at the positive side now."

"Right. So tell me some of the positives now. Why might it be a good idea?"

"It's a good idea because…" I trailed off, trying to dredge up my original reasons from the recesses of my mind. "It's free," I said uncertainly. "I've been wondering about it since my first year. If I don't try it, I'll always wonder. I might regret it, because it might actually help. Even if it doesn't, it's obviously not an easy thing to put myself through, so the very fact I tried it would be a good opportunity. I want to try it," I stated a bit more assertively as Edward nodded, encouraging me to keep going.

"It's supposed to be confidential. They said they won't tell anyone, including my professors, without my permission. And they already have my name… So I've already taken the risk. I may as well go through with it. I want to try it," I concluded, albeit a little tentatively.

"But, Edward, I honestly don't know if I can make myself go the first time," I admitted in a tiny voice, shifting closer and into the safety of his embrace. "I think I'll probably be okay once I get there, but it's the getting there part I'm not sure about. Would you maybe walk with me tomorrow? Just make sure I actually go. Just the first time. Will you come with me, please?" I implored his shirt.

His body turned to stone around me. I held my breath and waited, mimicking his rigid posture.

_God, what if he says no? I don't think I can do this if he says no._

I really wished he'd say something. It was too fucking _quiet_. When I was hovering on the edge like this, I really couldn't bear quiet. I needed some kind of noise to drown out my thoughts.

I really wished he'd say something.

"No," he finally whispered.

It sounded so final. I didn't like it.

No? I had to admit, a part of me was truly shocked. Then shock quickly moved out of the way to make room for rejection.

"I'm sorry. I don't want to say no. It kills me to say no. My first instinct is to walk you there and wait outside the fucking door for you, because god knows I won't be able to think about anything else tomorrow and I'd feel better knowing I was close by, but we talked about this and we agreed," he rambled, the words rushing forward to rationalize and defend.

"I know. I'm sorry," I mumbled and turned away, blinking excessively. "Just give me a moment," I spluttered, not wanting him to think that I was mad at him.

"You know why I have to say no. I'm sorry. We talked about this," he reiterated to no one in particular. "You need to know that you're doing all the work yourself. And I don't want to become that paranoid, overprotective jerk who has to always be wherever you are and always know what you're doing and who you're talking to. We agreed on a plan and we need to stick to it."

"I know. _I'm _sorry. I shouldn't have asked. I don't want to make it harder on you." His words made sense. They were just difficult to remember when I was busy freaking out.

"Let's just both stop apologizing. Do you want to talk about tomorrow some more?" he asked, gently guiding me back towards him. "We can talk about it – that's allowed."

I swiped my hands over my face in frustration. If only I could somehow reach into my brain and remove everything that I didn't like.

"I think I just want to try to sleep, if that's all right." I was scared of oversleeping and missing my appointment. I was tempted to stay up all night to ensure that didn't happen, but I didn't want to be a zombie in the morning. "The more I think about it, the worse it gets."

"Okay. Well, maybe I can help with that. I can't go with you, but there are other things I can do. Here." He sat me down on the bed and started massaging the palm of my hand. He tugged on each finger gently, moving up my arm before turning his attention to my other arm.

"So you're…"

"I'm gonna help you relax so you can get some sleep. That's allowed," he decided, starting a trail of tiny kisses up my arm. His lips loitered in the crook of my elbow, a weird little place that he liked to linger.

I tried to breathe and relax and let him distract me, but it wasn't easy. I tried to take heart in the fact that it was at least easi_er_ than it used to be.

"Let's get in bed," Edward directed, pulling back the covers. He propped up the pillows, resting back against them and guiding me to sit cross-legged in front of him so he could massage my shoulders.

_Okay. Focus on how it feels. Be in the moment. You'll freak out and deal with tomorrow when it gets here._

"That feels nice."

"Good. It's just you and me right now," he said, kissing my hair. "What are you in the mood for? Joke? Anecdote? Something serious?"

"Anecdote, please," I replied, taking another deep breath. I was already starting to calm down, but I always loved hearing about Edward's life.

"Okay, let me think…" His hands steadily made their way down my arms and the pressure felt reassuring. "Okay, you know that scar on my shin? When I was six, my mom finally agreed to take the training wheels off my bike. I was so excited."

My mind immediately conjured up an image of Edward as a little kid, fussing over his bike, his cheeks pink from exertion. "Aww, I bet you were adorable," I said, letting my mind take me there instead.

"Adorable?" adult Edward grumbled in jest. "Here's an inside tip, Bella. Most guys don't want to be described as adorable."

"Not even when they're six?"

"Nope."

"Okay, I'm sorry. I bet you were really strong and manly. Did you have a little helmet?"

"As a matter of fact, I did. Anyway, I was so excited that I snuck out of the house and decided to try riding it in our driveway that night. We have a really long driveway and it sort of slopes down when you get to the garage. It's pretty steep, or at least it seemed that way when I was six," he continued, still rubbing my shoulders and I quickly found myself being drawn in by his words. "I was a little cocky and I just took off and…I swear it was going pretty well and if it wasn't for that stupid slope, I know I would've gotten the hang of it, but I lost control and crashed into the garage door. The alarm went off and everything. My mom wasn't very happy."

I sighed and smiled quietly. "Thank you."

"Lean back." He pulled me backwards to sit between his legs. I let my body melt into his and turned my head to the side, hoping for a kiss.

"What are you thinking about?" he whispered against my temple.

"Just you. How much I like your hands," I told him because it was true. I was completely relaxed, my body pleasantly tired against his.

Well, okay. I wasn't just relaxed. I was something else too… something less ladylike…

"Good girl. Do you want to take these off?" he asked quietly, his fingers gliding over my panties.

_Thank God he asked._

To my surprise, I just reached down, lifted my hips and wriggled out of them. I carelessly tossed them on the floor, settled against him again and - to my even greater surprise - let my knees part automatically to make it easier for him. I didn't even think twice about it. I just knew I wanted him to touch me _there_ and he did offer…so I did it and tried not to fidget too impatiently.

He didn't disappoint.

I endeavoured to stop myself from keeping track of how much I was squirming and what noises I was making and just be in the moment and all that.

I made a mental note to let him know how much I liked this position. If it wasn't already obvious, of course.

_Actually, screw that. I'll just tell him now._

"I really like this position."

"Yeah? Me too."

I had to turn my head to see him and kiss him properly, but I could feel him pressed against my back, surrounding me, holding me. I could hear him whispering words of love and encouragement in my ear. I could feel his hair and his breath and his lips against my cheek. It made me feel sheltered and safe and it was just so much easier to let go when Edward's confident arms were around me.

"Could you… a little bit faster, please?" _Christ. Did I seriously just ask him that?_

I guess I did because Edward quickly complied.

I actually welcomed that loss of control tonight. It wasn't even accompanied by the usual slight embarrassment and self-consciousness this time. I just wanted to lose myself for a little while.

And I did.

God, it felt so good.

_There I said it. The physical stuff feels good and I want it too. Probably just as much as Edward does. Probably just as much as everybody else does. _

I reached toward Edward lazily, wanting to take care of him too, but he captured my hand in his.

"Shh. Just sleep now. I'll remind you that you owe me tomorrow night, don't worry," he teased and I smiled weakly, letting my heavy eyes finally close.

* * *

I smashed my hand down on the alarm clock a little too forcefully the next morning, wanting to shut the damn thing up before it woke Edward.

I kissed his shoulder, inched out of bed as quietly as I could and went to get ready in the bathroom.

_Oh fuck. Tomorrow has arrived. You've actually got to deal with it now._

_Okay. One step at a time. Just get dressed and leave. Even you can do that. You've been dressing yourself for years. It's not that freaking difficult._

Edward didn't have anywhere to be and the boy liked his sleep, so I was surprised to find him dressed and tying his shoes when I came out of the bathroom.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"Nowhere. I'll walk with you to your appointment. I'm sorry. I was being a jerk last night and I made a big deal out of nothing. The appointment lasts an hour, right? I'll take a book or something and wait for you outside the building." He finished tying his shoes and hovered in front of me.

I hesitated. I knew accepting was the wrong thing to do, the weak thing, but it was just so tempting. It wasn't that big a deal really… it's not like he was going to come to the appointment with me… he was just going to walk with me and make sure I actually went… that was okay, wasn't it?

_No, it's not okay. You made a plan and it was working. Stick to the plan._

_There's nothing wrong with being a little flexible. The plan was just a guide._

_It might seem like a little thing, but these are the moments that add up, Bella. You're going to regret this. It's a slippery slope._

"Let's go get some coffee," I finally proposed, wanting to get away from the conflict in my head for a little while.

"Do we have time?"

"Yeah. My appointment is in like…" I broke off to check my watch unnecessarily, "an hour and twenty-two minutes. I know I'm insanely early, but I figured the more time I had to get myself there, the better."

We finished getting ready and made our way to a nearby café. I reached for Edward's hand as soon as we started walking. I just wanted to hold his hand. Maybe I was a complete sap, but it was the little things that made me feel better. His hand was warm and it was bigger than mine and when one of us squeezed, the other squeezed back.

He tried to act normally, but even Edward was a little tense. For the most part, we were both quiet, with Edward occasionally tracing little nonsensical patterns on the back of my hand while we swallowed our coffee. I wasn't sure about Edward, but I couldn't really taste it properly. I didn't even care, though. It was something hot and it warmed me up from my abject state for a while.

The time passed even though I didn't want it to. It always does.

"Do you want to start walking? It's probably not a bad idea to be early," Edward suggested, standing up nervously. I think he was getting a little restless just sitting there waiting.

I exhaled unsteadily and stayed seated.

"So we're definitely going camping with Angela, Ben, Kate and Jake right? Assuming Jake can finally get organized and get the equipment from his dad," I asked, changing the subject without pretense.

"Err… yeah. I want to go. It sounds like fun," Edward played along, sitting down again.

I took a deep breath and continued speaking, a little uncertainly. "Do you think any of your other friends would like to come with us? Like Mike? Or if you want to invite one of your other friends to dinner with us sometime, it'd be nice to meet them… Only if you want to, of course," I quickly added, glancing down at my coffee mug while I waited for his reply.

"Yeah. Yeah, that sounds good. I doubt Mike would want to go camping, but some of the other guys will. And we can do dinner or a movie night or something first so you can meet them beforehand."

His hand covered mine and I looked up. We smiled at each other despite the previous tension. It was kind of nice to know that we could share a quiet little moment like this even in the middle of such a stressful morning.

"Great." I took another deep breath when the smiling came to a natural end, trying to will myself to get through this next part. "Why don't you go invite them now?" I suggested tentatively. "I'll um… I'll stay here for a few more minutes… finish my coffee… and then I'll go."

"Bella…"

"It's okay. Go. You were right last night," I said, knowing it was the truth.

"This isn't just because of last night. I want to walk with you. It'll make me feel better too."

"I know, but that's yet another reason why we should stick to the plan. We agreed on a plan and we should follow it. I'll figure something out and so will you."

He still looked hesitant. "Go," I stated again.

I had to convince us both because I knew we'd both regret it if I caved. Edward had been right to refuse me when I asked. He'd been strong for me last night; the least I could do was return the favor this morning.

"Yeah," he said, but he didn't get up.

He ran his hand through his hair and sighed. "We agreed on a plan," he said again.

"Yes, we did," I replied in that same tone.

"Okay." He stood up and smiled half-heartedly. "I'll see you later. Have a good day." He kissed the top of my head, but I pulled him down for a real kiss. It was something I rarely did when we were in public but I didn't care about the damn public today.

"Yep. You too. And remember that I owe you. You need to think of something I can do to make it up to you tonight," I joked as he walked away, wanting to see a genuine smile before he left.

He chuckled, turning towards me again. "I'm only allowed _one_ thing? I can't choose just one. How about three? I think I can narrow it down to three…"

"Okay, fine. You can have three," I quickly consented, not at all reluctantly.

"Really? I'm gonna get all three? Damn, I should've said five."

"Just go," I said, shaking my head in mock-frustration.

I sat there quietly for a few minutes after he left.

When I had thoroughly drained my coffee mug, I finally had to find a way to make myself leave.

_Okay, Bella. Figure something out._

* * *

**A/N: The next scene was supposed to be the second part of this chapter, but it's a tricky scene so I need a little more time to work on it. **

**Thanks for reading and thank you to thequietlife, Irritable Grizzzly and revrag for all their help.**


	32. Go to your happy place

**Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**

**Chapter title: Go to your happy place**

**"****If you think something small can't make a difference, try going to sleep with a mosquito in the room." Unknown**

**Last chapter****: Bella's sitting at the café, trying to make herself go to her counselling appointment. They talked about it and decided to stick to their plan, so Edward left first and isn't walking with her. The end of the previous chapter: **

**"Yep. You too. And remember that I owe you. You need to think of something I can do to make it up to you tonight," I joked as he walked away, wanting to see a genuine smile before he left.**

**He chuckled, turning towards me again. "I'm only allowed one thing? I can't choose just one. How about three? I think I can narrow it down to three…"**

**"Okay, fine. You can have three," I quickly consented, not at all reluctantly.**

**"Really? I'm gonna get all three? Damn, I should've said five."**

**"Just go," I said, shaking my head in mock-frustration.**

**I sat there quietly for a few minutes after he left.**

**When I had thoroughly drained my coffee mug, I finally had to find a way to make myself leave.**

_**Okay, Bella. Figure something out.**_

* * *

_Okay. Just stand up and start walking. One step at a time. Just walk out of the café. _

This 'one step at a time' stuff seemed like complete bullshit right now, because I knew very well that there was another step after this one and yet another one after that. On and on and on. My reward when I managed all the steps and finally got there would be what? Some know-it-all stranger psychoanalyzing my childhood so they could give me some bullshit label? _Great._

I told myself to shut up and started walking. Music might've helped me get to my appointment, but I felt too restless. I didn't have the patience to make it through a whole song right now.

Walking was better than sitting and waiting. The cool air and the physical movement were definitely helping. I tried to keep my mind as blank as possible and when that didn't work, I tried to stay in my happy place. All I had to do was keep walking. I could do that.

I reached my destination faster than I expected. _Too fast._

I stood outside the stupid door, frozen. If I walked in, wouldn't that be admitting that I couldn't handle it on my own? Wouldn't this definitely be labeling my "problem" a real problem? I couldn't use air quotes anymore, right? It would be a _problem_. What if they told me I was wasting their time? Or worse – what if they said: _Yes, welcome. You do have a real problem. This is exactly where you belong..._?

_God, what if they have one of those cameras and they're watching me deliberate out here like a freak? _What if the psychoanalyzing had already begun? What if someone found out? What if everything went wrong?

_What if it helps?_

_Okay. Think._

I went over my list of reasons why this was a good idea. I went over it twice, reciting the damn thing over and over, imagining myself telling it to Edward.

_You've already made the appointment. You've already taken the risk. Just go and try to get something out of it._

I HAD to do this. Edward would've probably understood if I didn't, but I knew I wouldn't be as forgiving of myself. This particular failure would haunt me for a while.

I knocked quietly, but the sound still seemed to barge through the silence obnoxiously. I swallowed and shuffled in as inconspicuously as possible. The receptionist immediately looked up and politely asked how she could help me. She said it like I'd just wandered into a dental office or something.

"Hi. Um… I have an appointment?"

"Isabella Swan?" she asked, smiling politely again as I nodded.

"Please take a seat in the waiting room. There are a few forms to fill out. Just give them to me when you're finished," she said, handing me a clipboard and ushering me into the waiting room, the polite smile still firmly in place.

I wondered whether she was using that soft voice on purpose. Then again, it was probably just my suspicious brain making things up.

"Your appointment is with Elizabeth Masen. She'll come into the waiting room and call you when it's time." _The therapist is going to come and get me herself? _

"Oh. Okay, thank you," I mumbled as she walked out of the waiting room, closing the door behind her.

I was relieved to find that I was the only person there. There were a few chairs with cushions on them, stacks of magazines and what turned out to be fake flowers on a lonely little table in the corner, and some kind of abstract painting on the beige wall. They were obviously going for a comfortable, non-threatening feel, but it was just a little bit too neat. It had that same sterile feeling that all waiting rooms seemed infected with.

I took a shaky breath and sat down in one of the chairs furthest from the door, turning my attention to the forms. _More written proof. Great. _The first one was just contact information. I filled it out quickly, telling myself that they already knew most of it.

The second one was a lot scarier. It had a whole bunch of statements and I was supposed to circle the ones which most accurately reflected my feelings over the last week. Each answer was worth a certain number of points. When I handed in the form, I guess they'd add up my total score and that would tell them something.

_Apparently, it's all just a matter of doing the math._

The questions were really… personal. Whether and to what extent I felt like I was being punished, whether I felt guilty, my sleeping patterns and appetite, energy levels, my view of myself and how I felt around other people. There was even a question about whether I'd lost interest in sex. _Err… no, I can't say that I have. If anything, I'm more interested in it now than I've ever been_.

I rolled my eyes when I got to the typical suicide question. Would anyone voluntarily disclose this information? Wasn't it like calling the police in advance to tell them you were planning to commit a crime? It was also the main loophole in the confidentiality promise. If they thought you were a danger to yourself or others, they had the right to tell other people and I definitely didn't want that.

I circled the statement with the little zero next to it, confirming that I didn't want to off myself. Besides, it was true. This week and most of the weeks before that.

The rest of the statements were much more difficult to assess. I didn't want to exaggerate, but I didn't want to minimize my feelings either. I found myself constantly thinking that I was somewhere in-between two possibilities. It was a weird week to have to assess myself. There were certainly moments when I'd felt very anxious – such as last night when my appointment had been looming over me. However, there were also days when I'd felt great. I'd had fun with Edward, Angela and Ben and although I still felt anxious sometimes, I could talk myself off the ledge a lot faster these days. I really did believe that I was making progress. I mean, I could barely look Edward in the eyes in the beginning and now sometimes I woke him up by sucking his dick for crying out loud!

I filled out all the forms as quickly as I could and returned them to the receptionist. _Does she get to read all this shit? That doesn't seem… appropriate._

She smiled that kind smile and thanked me in that soft voice again as I returned to my seat.

_Just go to your happy place and stay there._

I tried to wait patiently, but mainly ended up fidgeting with the hem of my shirt. The sound of the door opening made me look up immediately. I thought it might be the therapist coming to claim me, but it was two unfamiliar students.

One girl, one guy. Huh.

I hadn't expected to see guys here. I figured that if I ran into any other students here, they'd be girls.

I glanced at them out of the corner of my eye. They just looked so _normal_. They didn't look like people in need of therapy. Then again, I had no idea what I expected someone who needed therapy to look like.

_You expected them to look just like you_, the voice in my head kindly supplied.

"Isabella?" someone said and I jumped a little. My new err… the counselor introduced herself and I picked myself up and followed her. She made small talk with me, commenting on the weather of all things, and it was just plain weird, but I played my part anyway.

She led me to a little room. It had the same almost-comfortable, but sterile feeling the waiting room had.

"Please." She gestured toward a chair and I sat down carefully, fidgeting with my stuff as she sat down in another chair opposite mine. There was a little table between us with a clock on it and another abstract painting on the wall. To be honest, I didn't spend much time looking at the room. I was too preoccupied with the knots in my stomach.

_Happy place. Happy place. This session's gonna end, just like everything else eventually does and then you can go to your happy place._

I wasn't sure how we'd transition from small talk to actual therapy, but she just smiled politely and started talking. She began with what I assumed was the standard introductory stuff, telling me more about the student counseling service and what sort of services they offered. Apparently this first general session was for me to discuss whatever I wanted and then we'd decide together where to go from there.

She tried a few open-ended questions about what I was hoping to get out of our sessions. When all I could manage was a few vague, short sentences, she seemed to change tactics and asked me about my comments on the forms.

She spoke in a soft voice, but her tone was still a little clinical, impersonal.

_Always the soft voice in this place. _I kind of wished they'd cut it out. It made me feel like a stray cat they were attempting to lure to their home.

I tried to go beyond monosyllable answers, but I was uncomfortable. I kept looking at the clock on the little table. _Is this gonna be like it is in the movies? Is she going to suddenly interrupt me and tell me my time's up?_

I was grateful that she wasn't taking notes. She was small and neat and had a motherly air about her, but she was also a little too neat: cold, detached. I guess that was the point. She was trained to be an observer. It seemed like a bad joke.

_Someone like me who worries about being judged… goes to a therapist who is trained to judge_.

I guess 'judge' was the wrong word. I didn't feel like she was attacking me or putting me down, but her job, the reason she wasn't reacting and kept things so impersonal, was to observe and decipher and gauge my emotional responses.

I tried to talk a little more as we settled into the session, but I wasn't exactly an open book. To be honest, I really wanted to get through her questions without completely breaking down.

_Don't cry. _That was one of my main goals for the day. That and to get something out of this.

I actually felt relatively stable. Until she started asking about my relationships with the people in my life.

"What about your boyfriend?" she read off one of the forms. I'd mentioned Edward because he was such a big part of my life now that it was impossible not to, but I made sure not to include his name. It was probably a pointless precaution, but I wanted to protect him from… I don't even know from what. I guess I was ashamed of needing _therapy_ and although disclosing my full name was required, there was no way in hell I was giving them his as well.

"Tell me a little bit more about your relationship with him," she prodded gently.

"Um... it's good. It's great."

"Mmhmm." She nodded and kept looking at me.

"I mean, it's not perfect. We have our issues, but that's normal isn't it?" I mumbled hesitantly.

"What sort of issues?"

"Um. I don't know if I feel comfortable… _complaining_ about our relationship," _to a total stranger no less_, "when he's been so great about everything and helped me so much."

"I wouldn't call it complaining," she responded calmly.

And then she was silent again. If keeping quiet wasn't one of her tactics, then she should definitely add it to her arsenal because when she went quiet, I instantly wanted to talk just to get rid of the silence.

I could see that she wanted me to elaborate, though I really didn't know how I was supposed to answer her questions. But I wasn't going to get anything out of this if I just lied to protect myself like I usually did. She was a counselor, not a mind reader. There was only so much she could do if I didn't open up a little. I tried to pretend she was Edward and I was rambling about my day.

"Um… I have trouble letting him in and telling him how I feel about certain things… and he can be a little overprotective sometimes. There are also the usual things… little habits that can annoy us sometimes… We don't always agree. But we try to work things out and talk more and all that. I'm really happy with him and I think he's happy too."

I wanted to tell her that I still couldn't take off my shirt. Our sex life_ (I can't believe I HAVE a sex life)_ was getting better and better, but I couldn't deny that there was still a tension between us because of that stupid shirt. I wanted that tension gone. I wanted it to just be me and Edward, moving together, lying together, naked and vulnerable but unashamed.

She didn't ask about that aspect of our relationship so I held my tongue and stashed it away. _What was I supposed to say? Yeah, I wanna surprise my boyfriend, wearing only my birthday suit and a smile so we can go at it buck naked… Got any tips? _

I tried not to beat myself up about it. _Maybe in a later session_. I was here and I was talking and opening up a little. _Maybe that's good enough for now. _

"Is he your first boyfriend?" she asked and I nodded. _That obvious, huh?_

"Is having a boyfriend what you thought it would be?

"I guess yes and no? Before I had a boyfriend, I thought that if I could just maybe find a boyfriend, then everything would suddenly be fixed. The couples on TV looked so happy. I guess I thought that having a partner automatically made you happy or made you… better?

"Now I have a partner and it's great and I _am_ happy with him, but it's not like…" I trailed off, struggling to find a way to express myself. "I'm still _me_. I just have a boyfriend now. I'm not like…" _I haven't turned into my fantasy stunt-double._

She nodded again, so I kept rambling.

"There are still things I don't like about myself, things I want to change. It hasn't magically transformed everything. I guess that's more or less what I'm trying to say."

It didn't matter how much Edward and I loved each other. I could lose myself with him every now and again, but it wasn't a permanent solution.

It was finally starting to sink in. The change part – the hard work – you always do that part on your own. Whether you've got a hundred friends or none.

_They can't make me __want__ to try if I don't want to. They can't do it for me. _

And I didn't want them to anyway. I wanted to do this for myself, by myself.

"What do you want to change?" she asked gently, pulling me out of my thoughts.

I told her that I wanted to worry less. I wanted to feel more secure in my own skin, whole and solid and real. _You know, like a normal human being?_

_I want to be someone Edward can rely on. I want to be someone __I__ can rely on._

We discussed how scared I felt sometimes. She asked me about moments when I'd felt particularly anxious, physical reactions and what kind of thoughts had been running through my head. She asked when I had started to feel this way and I tried to explain that it had gotten worse over the years, especially as I'd isolated myself more and more.

_Just pretend it's Edward and ramble your way through it. Just keep talking._

"I had even more freedom once I started college and no one was pushing me to do anything. The only problem was that my mom called a lot – and still does – to ask me how everything's going, but… but when she asked me about friends and weekend plans I could always… _lie_," I admitted in a tiny voice. I didn't need to lie to her anymore because now I really did have people in my life, but before… yeah, I'd lied to her a lot.

_Shit, did I really just admit that to a stranger? It's confidential. It's confidential. Keep talking. _

"Not because I liked lying – it's actually kind of scary, but it was just better for everyone that way. I guess lying wasn't as terrifying as my mom feeling worried… or disappointed," I confessed. _Don't cry._

"Let's talk about your mother and your relationship with your family a little more. Describe your family dynamic. What was your role? For instance, were you a leader or a follower? Maybe you were you a peacemaker?"

I swallowed loudly and tried to come up with an answer. "I guess… I guess my mother's the leader. I'm a follower, but I was also the caretaker when I lived with my mom, because she's a little impractical so I tried to help when I could. Charlie's a follower too. Phil's maybe the peacemaker? Or the caretaker because he takes care of my mom now that I don't live with her anymore."

"What's your mother like?" she encouraged.

I wasn't particularly keen on continuing. This topic made me very uncomfortable, made my whole body tense up. _Just keep rambling._

"She looks like me I guess, but she's prettier. She's more outgoing than I am and braver and she likes to experiment, but she loses interest really quickly. I think we're friends, even though we're very different. She always says I was born thirty-five and that I get more middle-aged every year. She gets younger every year; she's a lot more outgoing. We're very different," I rambled uncertainly. I was pretty sure that I was repeating myself, but I was nervous and just trying to make sure I kept talking. There was so much I could've told her about my mother, but instead I kept repeating the only things that popped into my head.

"You're different," she repeated and I nodded. "Does it bother you that you and your mother are different?"

"Um. It doesn't bother _me_," I mumbled. "I like the fact that she's not like me. But…I don't know if _she_ likes the fact that _I'm_ not like _her_…" I admitted. "I think she likes that I go to an Ivy League college because she always wanted to, but other than that…" I trailed off and fixed my eyes on the stupid abstract painting instead.

She just kept looking at me so I tried to continue. "She's a lot more outgoing. She always asked me about friends and boys growing up so… I mean, even though I lied to make it seem like I wasn't a total loser, she probably still thought… or knew… She's probably disappointed that I'm so boring. She's much more fun and interesting. I think she was really relieved when I told her I have a boyfriend. I'm sure she wants grandkids and all that stuff. I mean, that's what parents want, right?" I muttered, my eyes filling up with dangerous tears. I blinked furiously, trying to keep them to myself. _Just keep talking._

"You're supposed to be a 'well-rounded' individual… with a good job and well-rounded friends and a well-rounded husband and well-rounded kids. I don't like disappointing her and I'm an only child so I'm her only chance for those things, but I don't know if I can manage all of that…" I looked down at my lap and tried to stop my voice from shaking.

_Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. You should be able to get through it without crying._ "I get good grades. That's something. I think I might be able to do the good job part…" _Don't cry. Don't cry. You're not going to fucking cry here. _

"You don't want to disappoint her. You're _her_ only chance…" she repeated and it sounded a lot different when she said it.

"Yeah, but… not like _that_. I think this is coming out wrong. I mean… are you suggesting that I'm this way because of my mother? That's not right. I don't want to _blame_ my mother for my issues," I stated a lot more certainly than I thought I could, feeling suddenly defensive.

I wasn't yelling at her or anything, but I was still a lot more forceful than I ever thought I could be in this situation. I don't know what came over me. I didn't like what she was implying and I was kind of protective of my mother. I'd always tried to take care of her when I lived with her. I felt compelled now to clear up whatever erroneous impression I'd given this woman.

_Don't__ cry._

"That doesn't seem fair. I mean she has expectations and things she wants from me, _for_ me… but that doesn't mean… It's only because she loves me. She didn't do anything wrong and it's not just her. All of society seems to be saying the same thing - that you're no one if you're a loser with no friends, no partner," I stated, trying to make it sound as firm as possible. I didn't like this path at all.

_Don't__ cry._

_Is that what therapy is about – blaming your parents for all your failures? Blaming other people for the fact that you're a fuck-up and you can't make anyone proud of you?_

"I think it's more me… transferring my fears and my expectations onto her and everyone else. I've read that people do that. I think people expect certain things from me when really it's probably just me expecting those things from myself," I reasoned.

_Don't __cry._

_It's not her fault – it's MINE._

"I'm sorry." The traitor tears tumbled down my cheeks as I thought about just how disappointed my mother must be.

_I'm not exactly the perfect 'well-rounded' daughter, am I? And on top of it all, I'm sitting here and blaming her now? Yeah, I'm definitely not getting the 'Daughter of the Year' award anytime soon._

"I'm sorry," I repeated, completely frustrated with myself for crying. I _shouldn't_ be crying. I _should_ be able to get through one hour without becoming a pathetic, fragile mess of feelings and insecurities.

_God, you're such a mess! You're supposed to be setting this lady straight, not blubbering like a toddler. Get it together!_

"There's no need to apologize," she stated bluntly. She wasn't trying to comfort me like Edward would've done. She just waited for my tears to die out. "These are _real_ issues. I'd be concerned if you were sitting here, calmly discussing them as if they were academic puzzles and I couldn't see your emotions." She paused and I wiped furiously at my eyes, trying to regroup while she talked about the importance of not intellectualizing my feelings.

"I'm not saying it's your mother's fault, but it does seem like you carry around a lot of guilt. You appear to have a very fixed idea about what a good daughter, a good person _should_ be and you feel guilty and anxious when you can't fully match up to that idea," she said thoughtfully.

"Those expectations of what a good person should be … they could come from a real person – someone in your life you feel you have to please or live up to. They _could_ come from your mother or from society in general, or, as you stated, they could be ideas you've intensified and attributed to others more generally. Perhaps it's a combination of all three. Then again, the underlying issue might be completely different and this could be a side-effect."

I sniffed and nodded, feeling ironically calmer now that I'd failed and cried like a baby in front of her. How much worse could it really get now?

"There are a lot of possibilities," I stated unnecessarily just to fill the silence.

"Yes, there are," she said, smiling a little more genuinely this time. Or so it seemed in my head.

"Your relationship with your mother and how you interpreted that relationship would certainly have had an impact on you, but I can't point to something right this minute and conclusively say that's the only issue. Sometimes there's a clear reason for certain behavior. Sometimes it's more complicated and we need to dig a little deeper. Sometimes even something 'good' can have a negative impact. It's not quite so clear-cut. Everyone is different.

"I would definitely encourage you to keep exploring these issues. Try not to think of it as blaming or complaining about other people. We're trying to understand your past so we can see its impact on you now. But while looking at prior events can be useful, there are other techniques that focus more on the present."

She told me about a therapy group that she was running, starting after spring break, and she suggested it carefully, as if she expected me to kick and scream and refuse.

"It's a group based around Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT. It's different from other 'talking' therapies because it focuses more on the 'here and now'. Let me see if I can find one of the handouts," she said, turning to a desk in the corner.

She handed me a piece of paper with a diagram on it.

"If you join the group, you'll understand more when we discuss how CBT works in the first session, but I'll give you the basic model now. At the top of the diagram is 'Situation' –as I said there might be an obvious cause or there might not be. Understanding the way your past is affecting you is important, but in CBT the main focus is on what you can do right now to feel better about yourself."

In the second part of the diagram there were four phrases linked together by arrows to form a circle. Thoughts - Mood/Feelings - Behavior - Physical Reactions

"The basic idea is that these four aspects affect each other. They can create a vicious cycle and make us feel stuck and sometimes it can turn into a downward spiral that gets worse and worse. We look for ways to break the cycle _now_ and one way is to alter the way you think, because your thoughts impact how you feel and how you behave.

"Let me give you a standard example. Your friend walks past you on the street, but she doesn't acknowledge you. What might you think in that situation? Just blurt out the first thing that comes to mind."

"Um… I'd wonder if she was mad at me. Maybe I did something wrong and now she's avoiding me."

"And how would that make you feel?"

"Not good?"

"Exactly. You might end up being upset and thinking about it the whole day. But suppose you had a different reaction. Instead of thinking you did something wrong, maybe you would think that your friend just had a rough day and isn't paying attention. Then you probably wouldn't feel upset – you'd probably feel concerned about that friend and might call and check how they were. By contacting the friend, you'd have a chance to find out that it wasn't your fault."

_Just think positive? It's probably just a misunderstanding? Is that what she was telling me? Yeah fucking right. _

"But…" I hesitated, and then decided to speak my mind. The goal was to get something out of this. That wasn't going to happen if I just played along like I always did. "But sometimes it's true, isn't it? Maybe I really did do something to upset them and it _was_ my fault."

"Yes, of course. Sometimes you may have upset them, but the point is you don't know for sure at the time. What you're really doing is mind-reading, assuming the worst based on very little evidence. The aim is basically to help you challenge your automatic assumptions, what we call Negative Automatic Thoughts or NATs," she said and I was immediately accosted by a gruesome image of my head infected with hundreds of gnats, buzzing around, multiplying indiscriminately, their filth and noise swarming around everything else until they overwhelmed it, each stupid bug refusing to fucking die already.

"The goal is only to identify unrealistic thoughts and replace them with realistic ones, so that you can take a step back and look at the evidence more objectively," she finished.

I nodded and we both stayed quiet while I tried to take in all the information that had been thrown at me.

"You can think about whether you want to join the group during spring break, but I can put your name down now so that we've definitely reserved a place for you."

It was obvious that she wanted me to try the group and actually… I was kind of okay with that. It didn't sound that different from what I'd been trying to do on my own. My main concern was still confidentiality, but I'd already taken that risk just by coming here today. Joining a group would mean that a new bunch of strangers would know I was struggling. At the same time though, they'd be just like me, wouldn't they? They probably wouldn't be boasting about the fact that they were in therapy either. They'd be struggling too and they might… understand.

_Yeah right. You don't fit in anywhere. It's not gonna be any different; you're just wasting your time. _

_Wait. _

_That's one of those stupid NATs, right?_ I imagined myself swatting it away. Okay, the image was a little more violent in my head, flickering like a silent Charlie Chaplin film. I imagined myself smacking the gnat with the swatter once, then again and again just in case, until its tiny, deformed wings finally stopped twitching.

_One down, four hundred and ninety-nine to go._

I didn't KNOW for sure what the group would be like. It might be awful, but it also might be helpful.

_It might be nice to meet another person like me, to see and hear and know that other people feel the same way. Edward understands, but he hasn't __lived __it._

"Okay… yeah," I agreed slowly. "Put my name down."

She told me that she'd email me after spring break to let me know times and dates and gave me a few suggestions about what I could try in the meantime.

I thanked her at the end. We exchanged polite smiles and I trudged out of the building, away from the beige walls and the abstract paintings and the soft voices.

* * *

_Deep breath, Bella._

I walked quietly for a few minutes, trying to figure out how I felt. It had been tiring and draining – definitely – but I also felt sort of relieved.

I dug my phone out and called Edward.

"Bella," he panted.

"Err… hi." Why was he breathing so heavily?

"Whatcha doing?" I enquired tentatively.

"Running. Well, right now I'm sitting on a bench," he informed me as his breathing started to even out again. "I went for a really, really long run to clear my head. I can meet you outside your room in fifteen minutes if you want."

"Sure, if you're done with your run. I'm walking back now. I'll be there soon."

"See you soon. Everything's… okay, right?"

"Everything's fine. I'll tell you about it when I see you." I was sorely tempted to ask him to keep talking because it felt so good to hear his voice. "Love you," I said, just because I felt like it.

"Okay. Love you too. Bye."

* * *

"Did the run help clear your mind?" I asked him when he knocked on my door twenty minutes later. I sincerely hoped he hadn't spent all his time worrying.

I gave him a hug and a kiss. He said he was in dire need of a shower, but I didn't care. I may have held on longer than necessary.

"Yeah, it worked," he said over my shoulder.

"My, err… the counselor suggested I try regular exercise." I launched right into it, wanting to avoid any awkwardness. She'd asked me about exercise, but I couldn't exactly tell her my main forms of exercise right now were freaking out and fooling around with Edward. "Feeling bad is a reason_ to_ exercise, not a reason to skip it," I recited.

"Running usually helps when I'm stressed over finals. Sounds like a good idea to me. What kind of exercise are you thinking of?"

I told him she'd suggested yoga, but that I couldn't really see myself doing that and he offered to show me around the student gym.

"So it went okay?" he asked, holding my gaze pointedly. The fact that he wasn't speaking in a soft voice made me smile.

"Yep." I kissed him on the cheek and collapsed onto my bed. "It wasn't fun or anything, but it also wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. And it's over now."

I told him about the group that I was supposed to be starting after spring break and some of what I'd talked about with the counselor. Everything was kind of a jumble in my head, though, and I was undeniably drained. It felt like we'd jumped from subject to subject, the discussion revealing more questions and no answers.

"I cried like a girl," I stated matter-of-factly.

"That's okay," he said, kissing my forehead, "I like girls."

It didn't _feel_ okay, but I tried not to dwell on it.

I grabbed his hand and endeavored to pull him onto the bed with me. He feigned resistance, but I was determined.

"Bella, I really don't smell very good right now."

"Doesn't matter. Just two minutes, please."

He dropped the act, lying down next to me and I immediately curled myself around him, shifting as close as possible and letting my hand wander freely over his chest.

_God. THIS. This is where I belong. This is where I feel wanted and safe and normal. This. This. This. _

"Don't laugh at me, but… I've kinda been daydreaming about this all morning. Every time things suck, I try to come back here to my happy place," I blurted, sighing contentedly.

"So your happy place is…?"

"Don't laugh, okay? It's um… just lying here with you, you know… snuggling," I confessed to his chest.

_Man, I'm such a girl now._

When he didn't say anything right away, I tilted my face up tentatively to peek at him. He was smirking like an arrogant jerk, the amusement evident on his arrogant jerk face.

"I asked you not to laugh!" I scoffed. I would've hit his shoulder playfully, but that would've required moving away from him and my two minutes weren't up yet.

"I'm not laughing!" he tried to defend himself, his stupid smirk growing wider.

I decided to ignore him and savor the rest of my allotted time. I closed my eyes and just relaxed against him.

"Bella…" he began a little mischievously, his fingers tracing my shoulder slowly. "You weren't daydreaming about… post-coital snuggling by any chance, were you?"

"You're awake in the fantasy, so no. More like pre-coital."

"Well as long as there's coital at some point tonight. I'm not even gonna tell you what _I've_ been daydreaming about all morning."

I actually kind of wanted to know (okay, I really, really wanted to know), but when he brought up tonight and the rest of the day, it reminded me of something.

"Oh hey, I still owe you remember? You were gonna choose three things… or was it five? Actually, I was thinking that, instead, the rest of the day and the whole night could be yours. Last night was about me – tonight's about you."

With the prospect of my appointment looming over me, we'd spent a considerable amount of our time together dealing with all my crap. I wanted to forget about all of that for one night and just focus on Edward. He'd probably choose to watch some sci-fi film that used to be a comic book and I'd probably end up making his favorite for dinner if he didn't feel like going out. And then he'd probably want to… well, it's not like he was the only one.

He chuckled. "You realize that I can request a lot more than five things in one night, right?"

I nodded and smiled back at him. There was absolutely no doubt in my mind that it would be a good night. _As for tomorrow and the day after that...well, I'll freak out and figure out how to stumble across that bridge when I come to it._

* * *

**A/N: Link for CBT diagram is on my profile and I'm on twitter now (2questionmarks). Renee: I tried to paraphrase most of what Bella says in Twilight to Edward (see pg. 105-6 for original quotes). **

**So group sessions… but it won't be as therapy heavy/boring next time, promise. Please keep in mind that I'm not an expert on this stuff and I write fanfic mainly to amuse myself. Please feel free to disagree. (And if anyone with experience/knowledge of CBT wants to give me a second opinion on later chapters, I'd be grateful.)**

**Lots of people to thank: **

**- thequietlife and Irritable Grizzzly for all their help**

**- simmerk for the regular exercise suggestion**

**- Kyrene who has written an awesome one-shot called Deviation and is hosting an intriguing ****Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Cullen ****contest. I'm afraid because I suck and took so long to update, the deadline for submissions passed, but check it out and vote if you like the sound of it: www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2170415/Jekyll_and_Cullen **

**- revrag for letting me steal her hilarious joke i.e. this: **_**Yeah, I wanna surprise my boyfriend, wearing only my birthday suit and a smile so we can go at it buck naked… Got any tips? **_**She's got an awesome one-shot too: All I've Known.**

**And finally, thanks for reading. :)**


	33. The Clock

**Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**

**Reminder of a few things from past chapters:**

**- Bella had her first therapy session and her counsellor recommended she begin group sessions after spring break. Gnats = NATs = Negative Automatic Thoughts; CBT = Cognitive Behavioural Therapy**

** [In the interest of full disclosure, I recently ran into the gnat/NAT idea when I was doing more research for chapter 34. It was silly of me to think other people hadn't already thought of the gnat/NAT thing since it's phonetic. I'm sorry – I didn't mean to mislead you guys. The other one I ran into is ANTs = ants.]**

**- Bella and Edward agreed to go camping with Angela, Ben, Kate and Jacob. Bella suggested that Edward invite some of his friends to go with them. **

**- Bella and Edward slept together, but Bella kept her shirt on and has since spent a considerable amount of time trying, unsuccessfully, to talk herself into taking it off. **

**End of last chapter:**

**"Oh hey, I still owe you remember? You were gonna choose three things… or was it five? Actually, I was thinking that, instead, the rest of the day and the whole night could be yours. Last night was about me – tonight's about you."**

**With the prospect of my appointment looming over me, we'd spent a considerable amount of our time together dealing with all my crap. I wanted to forget about all of that for one night and just focus on Edward. He'd probably choose to watch some sci-fi film that used to be a comic book and I'd probably end up making his favorite for dinner if he didn't feel like going out. And then he'd probably want to… well, it's not like he was the only one.**

**He chuckled. "You realize that I can request a lot more than five things in one night, right?"**

**I nodded and smiled back at him. There was absolutely no doubt in my mind that it would be a good night.****As for tomorrow and the day after that...well, I'll freak out and figure out how to stumble across that bridge when I come to it.**

**

* * *

**

**Chapter Title: The clock**

"**You are a little soul carrying around a corpse." Epictetus**

**

* * *

**

I let my body collide with the bench, opened my journal and started to write.

The words leaked out of me, like blood trickling happily from an open wound:

_T__ime is so weird. I don't get how it works at all. There's never enough and always too much of the stuff… and you can't bargain with or talk to it… how annoying._

_Of course, it doesn't help that I keep thinking about "time" and, in particular, how much of it I have left before I'm due in group therapy. I stare at the clock constantly and I'm certain my staring is making the stupid thing tick faster._

_Life is good and sometimes bad just like always, but my staring, my unrequited obsession with the clock distorts everything. Every moment seems warped somehow, like time is moving deliberately faster, blurring my moments together as life races past them._

_Apparently, in therapy this is called __"ruminating" (according to Google anyway)._

_Boy, do I feel better now that I know some expert came up with a name for it!_

_Yeah, right. I mean, I can see why some people find the names and technical terms comforting, but most of the time I just don't. The one thing that does make me feel better, though, is that I've been through this before. I've fallen in this hole plenty of times, but now I know the way out. _

_Of course, knowing and doing… God knows I'd give anything to make those two words synonymous._

_

* * *

_

It started almost immediately after I got back from my counseling appointment, having agreed to try that therapy group.

At first I didn't even realize what my stupid brain was doing. I got home and told Edward my idea for dedicating the rest of the day and the whole night to whatever he wanted to do. He said he wanted to go out, so that's what we did.

He requested getting a drink with his friends and I suggested inviting Angela and the rest of the group as well so that if some of his friends decided to come camping with us, they could meet everyone beforehand. Okay, I made the suggestion partly for another reason as well – having Angela and everybody else there would take some of the focus off me and help keep the situation comfortable.

With the prospect of meeting Edward's friends hogging all the space in my mind, it didn't occur to me that it would be the first time Edward had spent any real time with Jake. Not until they were sitting across from each other.

There was that one awkward, horrible moment when Edward just stared at him and all I really wanted to do was hide underneath the table or something. But then he smiled, threw his arm around me and started talking to him in a semi-friendly tone. I did notice that his back had straightened fractionally, though, and his arm was cemented to my shoulders the entire evening.

Personally, I didn't understand it. Jake was dating someone now and I felt like I was doing a much better job of showing Edward how important he was to me. Other than asking him if he wanted to talk about it later, I didn't think there was anything else I could do.

Maybe it was just because it was the first time they'd met and Edward would warm up to him after a while. If he just needed some time to get used to Jake and to see that there was nothing to worry about, then of course I was willing to give him as much elbow room as he needed.

Besides, I had new people of my own to get used to - Edward's friends. They seemed nice enough and, with Edward and everyone else there to act as a buffer and ensure there wasn't too much of that awful "first-time-meeting" politeness, his friends were relatively easy to get along with. Two of them, Tyler and Paul, expressed an interest in going camping with us.

That now made us a group of eight, each with our own schedule and preference. This made scheduling extra tricky, especially since we'd decided on two nights instead of one. It seemed like the only time we would all definitely be free was spring break, so Edward and I half-heartedly decided to postpone the tentative plans we'd made. We were both a little disappointed, but we figured we could go away together whenever we wanted during the summer.

The rest of Edward's requests were saved for when we got back to my room. He was still gentle and careful with me, but it was clear that he felt like experimenting a little. He wanted to try me um… kissing him _down there_ while he was standing instead of lying down in bed. I'd always thought it would feel demeaning, being on my knees in front of a guy but even before he gave me a cushion at the last minute, I'd felt calm about the whole thing. Not just calm – I _wanted_ to do it for him, to start trying some new things. As long as it was incremental and we worked up to the really scary stuff, I felt like I could handle it.

"Incremental" seemed to be his plan too, because it was kind of obvious that he'd edited his requests to fit our still relatively new physical relationship and my anxieties. It was unfortunate, but necessary.

_For now_, I added in my head optimistically. I _promised_ myself, that one day he wouldn't have to edit.

* * *

That night, while Edward dozed peacefully beside me, my mind began to play its usual tricks.

_Do you realize that you agreed to __group therapy __today? Group therapy … like with a qualified therapist and everything…"Mom, I'm in therapy now." "My therapist says…" "My girlfriend can't, she has a therapy session this afternoon."_

_Do you realize how __serious __that sounds?_

_This could turn out really, really badly._

_But if it's serious then I'll learn serious techniques…serious, __real __ways to help myself. It could also turn out really, really well._

I tried to distance myself from all the "worst case" scenarios and focus on the ways this could benefit me, but even the 'positive' thoughts left me feeling conflicted.

This had a lot of potential to turn into something really good for me. Too much potential.

I could already feel myself building it up in my mind, pinning far too many of my fragile hopes on this _one_ thing.

_I just have to get through this therapy thing and then I'll be super-confident all the time and taking off my shirt will be a piece of cake._

I was already transforming it into an impossibly good "opportunity" and now the reality could surely never measure up to the fantasy. That special kind of disappointment which always left me feeling hollow when things didn't work out as I'd fantasized, was inevitable now.

My expectations had already risen dangerously high, but I didn't know how to stop.

_How do I stop myself from hoping?_

_Man, I'm such a freak – I either hope too much or not at all. Why can't I find the middle ground?_

These thoughts made me feel unsettled, so I tried to reject them all. Negative, positive, neutral – I wanted them all out of my mind.

I scooted closer to Edward, choosing to focus on his steady warmth and his even breathing instead.

Steady, strong, sure. Edward.

_There's still like a week to go before the end of the semester,_I reassured myself over and over. _There's still spring break and camping with your friends. There are so many fun things still to come. The therapy group is ages away. You've got plenty of time._

It all sounded like such a long time away that I was sure I'd feel differently when the time came, but the week elapsed, the end of the semester arrived and we began celebrating our newfound freedom... and I still felt the same.

The days passed by. Some far too slowly, some far too quickly, just like always. Time pushed me along and before I knew it, Edward and I were packing.

Correction: _I_ was packing. He was napping on my bed.

What are you supposed to wear on a camping trip anyway? Not jeans, right?

Even though Edward left his packing until the last minute, somehow we still made it out on time.

_There's still the camping trip left - three whole days – and then you've still got to get back to college. Plus, the group sessions probably won't start immediately… You've still got plenty of time_, I told myself.

_And it's going to be fun, okay? So forget the clock and enjoy it!_

* * *

And it was fun.

It was my first time going away with my friendsand despite a few hurdles, I genuinely enjoyed myself, so much so that I forgot about the clock. During the _day_.

But then the stupid night came and even though I was worn out from all the walking and all the different emotions that flushed through my system, I remembered and it took me ages to fall asleep.

The tent was more comfortable than I'd anticipated and I did have Edward snoring happily beside me (he thought he might've caught a cold which fortunately/unfortunately meant he'd tabled his plans to fool around in our not-at-all-soundproof tent), but I was still awake and staring at the endless darkness above us, telling myself that I still had plenty of time.

The next day was fun too, but the next night was worse because it was our last night.

To complicate matters, Edward was feeling better and was clearly not interested in going to sleep.

He placed mischievous kisses on my neck in that spot I really liked, his fingers creeping where they shouldn't.

"We can't! Someone will hear us," I whispered as I tried to catch his hand and move it somewhere more appropriate.

"Exactly," he joked. (I think.) _He's not referring to anyone in particular, is he?_

"Did you and Jake really have to turn _everything_ into a competition today?" I knew he still wasn't particularly fond of the guy, but was that really necessary?

"He started it." Edward shrugged, unconcerned, and tilted my face toward his.

"That's mature," I tried to point out as his mouth covered mine.

Fortunately/unfortunately, he knew me well enough to know where to kiss and touch to make coherent thought a much more noteworthy achievement.

I kissed him back softly in an attempt to calm things down a little, but it didn't help. It only made me want to kiss him again. I tried to resist, but eventually I groaned and gave in. The guy was so addictive.

"Okay, but we have to be _really_ quiet. No talking, no sounds, no nothing," I pleaded. Edward nodded solemnly and kissed me again.

Our bodies struggled to inch closer, arms and legs and lips fumbling together, and the familiar sensation of losing myself with him infected my body, bit by bit.

Then I could feel my shirt riding up and even though the only light in the tent was coming from a weak flashlight in the corner, I automatically pulled it down.

I didn't even realize the effect of my actions until I caught the look on Edward's face in the pale light. Our eyes met for a brief second, in one short moment of recognition and accidental acknowledgement, before Edward quickly looked away, wiping his face with a frustrated hand.

His face was neutral again in record time, but it didn't matter. I'd already witnessed the damage I'd caused; the disappointment.

"I'm sorry," I whispered just as automatically.

He just shook his head, not meeting my eyes, leaving us vulnerable to the uncomfortable silence that instantly invaded our little tent.

I used the time productively, adding up all the reasons I had to be angry at myself.

I was a tiny bit upset with Edward too, though. Did he seriously think this was the best time and place for something like that? In a flimsy and not particularly spacious or comfortable tent, surrounded by our friends, instead of back at home in my cozy, private dorm room?

But… but if Edward was fed up … if he wanted me to take the shirt off now…

_It's not like he's perfect._ Sure, I thought he was the kindest, funniest, hottest guy in my world, but I was kind of biased. Angela thought Ben was better-looking and Kate had a serious crush on this blond guy that neither Angela nor I could understand. _Obviously this stuff isn't an exact science. Will you please just stop obsessing about this and freaking do it?_

_But what if he doesn't like what he sees?_The shirt had stayed on for so long… who knew how many expectations he had… _how on earth could I measure up after all this build-up?_

_He's sick of waiting. Just do it._

My fingers reached for the bottom of my shirt, even though this seemed like a really bad time to me, but I was stopped by Edward's arm as it covered me. Whether on purpose or not, I couldn't tell.

He didn't say anything, but shifted close to me and kissed me again, resting his forehead on my shoulder. I wished he'd say something, but I didn't think there was anything he could say to convince the awkward atmosphere to leave us alone.

"Does it bother you a lot?" The question slipped out before I could stash it away.

"No, it doesn't bother me," he replied far too quickly. "I've always been more interested in… " He grinned crookedly, finally looking into my eyes again, as his hand crept up my thigh and closer to my… posterior, "other parts of girls, of you."

_Liar, liar, pants on fire._

Although I actually did believe that he was more of a posterior kind of guy, I knew he was responding the way he thought he was supposed to.

_Well, what did you expect him to say? You already know the answer, so why the fuck are you asking? _

I guess I asked because… I don't know. Usually the whole shirt thing was easier to ignore. Tonight for some reason, it was like a wall between us, demanding our undivided attention.

"A little," he sighed. "Okay, it bothers me some… but not _a lot_." He scraped his hand through his hair and shifted uncomfortably. "Look, I don't know if this is something we should discuss. I want you to take it off, but I want you to _want_ to take it off, you know? Not just do it because you feel like you have to, so let's just drop it."

"I _do_ want that," I whispered.

"What?"

"I want to take it off."

I felt a tiny kiss on my neck then, followed by a slightly more enthusiastic one on my lips. "If you want to take it off then…can I ask you something? I'm not sure we should talk about this shirt thing, but maybe just for tonight…have you heard that saying about Vegas?"

I nodded.

"Well this tent is our Vegas," he whispered into my neck.

"Okay. What do you want to ask?"

"What's the problem? You know I love you and I think it's obvious that I want you… So what is it? What's stopping you?" he asked earnestly, rambling quickly, and I could tell this was something he'd wanted to ask for a while. "Is it me seeing you or me touching you? Because I've touched you there before – over your shirt, but I still think it counts – and you seemed to enjoy it."

"Seeing." I tried to explain the mental block this whole thing had turned into for me, but it was difficult to explain when I didn't fully understand it myself.

I could see why he didn't get it. For fuck's sake, it was just a stupid shirt.

Except it wasn't. Okay, it had always been about being naked and vulnerable and trusting yourself to another person, but now, as if all that wasn't scary enough, it had become _so_ much more than that.

Somehow, even though it happens gradually and right in front of your fucking face, before you know it – it's not just a shirt. It's THE SHIRT. You somehow pin every single insecurity and fear and nightmare on this _one_ thing, your mind turning it over and over until it becomes a chimera, the monster that lurks underneath your bed.

The shirt was _symbolic_ and those stupid fucking symbols were always the scariest.

_I'll try again when we get back_, I told myself as the butterflies in my stomach began their assault on my insides. I had the urge to stick my fingers down my throat and make myself throw up, just in case I could get rid of the butterflies that way.

_That's romantic._

_Ugh._

"I've just psyched myself out," I groaned. "But the therapy will fix that." _It'll fix everything. _

"Yeah. Of course it will," he agreed quickly, but I wasn't sure if it was more for my benefit.

Grabbing my hand, he brought it to his lips, after another string of long, quiet moments. "You've got time, okay?"

"Okay," I whispered back, inching closer for a kiss. "And I do like the touching."

"Good. Let's get some sleep." He shifted us into a spooning position, covering my waist with the steady weight of his arm.

We both went quiet again and I just listened to Edward's breathing for a few moments, trying to talk myself into taking a small step forward. _Incremental_, I told myself.

"So, this tent is our Vegas," I whispered.

I placed my arm over his and got a solid grip. Then I guided it up and underneath my shirt as confidently as I could.

There was definitely no more talking after that.

* * *

I didn't want us to fall asleep, but we did. And then we woke up and packed everything away and we went back to college. The next stupid semester started and Elizabeth sent everyone an email to let us know that group sessions would begin on Thursday. They were scheduled to run for the entire semester.

I told myself that I still had a few days, but they started passing me by _so_quickly. The more I counted and recounted how much time I had left, the quicker it seemed to slip through my fingers.

Suddenly it was Tuesday night and my teeth were brushed and it was time for bed again.

Where the hell had Monday gone?

I crawled into bed next to a tired Edward. How the hell was I gonna get myself to fall asleep tonight?

He pulled the covers over us, spooning up behind me as usual and immediately beginning to drift off.

"I can't wait until we have a double bed," he mumbled drowsily.

Was he freaking serious? How could he say something like that to me after the debacle on Sunday?

"Really? I would've thought a double bed is bigger than a drawer," I replied as casually as I could, trying to keep my amusement at bay.

"Don't start that again," he grumbled.

"It just feels weird _not_being the one who freaked out for a change."

On Sunday, after he'd "unpacked' most of his stuff in my room rather than his, I had politely offered to clear out a drawer for him and give him some closet space and out of nowhere he got this really weird look on his face and started fidgeting and rambling.

Apparently, it was okay for him to sleep over five nights a week, and it was totally fine for him to leave his stuff all over my room and throw in some of his laundry with mine, but a drawer… no, that was somehow crossing the line.

It took me a while to figure out that he thought I was hinting that we should be living together off campus somewhere, but I managed to explain and reassure him that was not the case.

I wasn't anywhere near ready for something like that either – we'd only been together for two semesters after all. I liked things exactly the way they were. I just wanted my room to look less like his bag had exploded all over it.

"Bella, don't," he whined, a fleeting expression of embarrassment mixing with the annoyance on his face. "I'm going to sleep," he announced, turning away from me to face the wall.

"So you're not gonna put out? No snuggling tonight?" I joked. "I was just teasing. I'm sorry."

I placed a gentle kiss on his shoulder, then another and another as I worked my way up his neck, so he'd know I wasn't going to bring up our misunderstanding again if it made him so uncomfortable.

He rolled over and squinted at me, but I noticed the corner of his mouth twitch.

When his arms opened, I scooted into them without pretense.

Most of the time, when he wrapped his arms around me like this, making me feel cosseted and safe, I was still struck by how close his body was to mine and the fact that he was _right here_ with me.

"Edward?"

"Hmm?"

"It doesn't have to stay in Vegas," I whispered, reaching for the heavy arm draped protectively over me and guiding his hand underneath my shirt and to my um… breasts.

He didn't reply, but when I removed my hand, his remained.

He stared into my eyes and although it made me feel nervous, I also felt kind of excited.

"And a waffle maker," Edward mumbled, touching his lips to my forehead.

I smiled. "Okay. I love waffles."

* * *

I slept peacefully that night, temporarily forgetting about the clock.

But when I woke up the next morning to an email from Elizabeth reminding us that the first group session would be held tomorrow afternoon, it all came hurtling back and I remembered.

_Time's up._

* * *

_Time's up, time's up, time's up_, the voice in my head chanted happily during the entirety of the next day. It still hadn't shut up by the time the sun went away, so on Wednesday night as I retrieved my pajamas from underneath my pillow and went to the bathroom to get ready for bed, I sincerely doubted whether I'd be able to get any sleep tonight.

_Stop it, Bella. You have class and your first group session tomorrow. You need to cut this shit out and get some sleep._

_Focus on the positives._ I started listing all the things I hoped I'd get out of therapy: better self-esteem, a more positive outlook, being able to be naked and vulnerable with my boyfriend. It was a very long list.

But then something else occurred to me.

Do I really want being naked with my boyfriend for the first time to be part of my _therapy_ _homework_? That was so… lame.

Elizabeth had emailed us some more information about the group and I'd Googled CBT on my own so I had a vague idea of what to expect. Obviously, it would involve talking with Elizabeth and the other group members, but I also knew that we'd be getting homework every week – little assignments to help us progress.

The examples I'd found on the internet were things like keeping a diary and writing down your thoughts, but sometimes it was also things like doing something you've been putting off, or something that scares you. The homework would probably be vague so we could tailor it to our specific issues and of course, one of my biggest was letting Edward see me completely naked, utterly defenseless.

_But I don't want that moment to be my homework; part of some exercise designed to help me improve. _

It was just like Edward said: It should happen because we want it to happen. That was the only reason that was good enough.

And, just like I'd told him, I _already_ wanted it to happen. So what was I waiting for?

_You're waiting for the therapy to fix everything_, a little voice kindly supplied.

Acting on impulse, I suddenly took off all my clothes and tentatively stared at myself in the mirror.

My fidgety, naked self.

_So Edward sees your chest, so what? They're just … breasts._

I poked the left one and watched it sort of jiggle a little in the mirror.

Huh.

I shifted a little closer and put one tentative finger on my err… nipple.

_Okay, no reason to panic. It's just skin; weird wrinkly skin._

I placed my arms by my sides, then cautiously pressed them together so that my breasts sort of smooshed together.

_Just breasts. Breasts, boobs, boobies. No big deal._

I relaxed my arms and scraped my hand through my hair, laughing at myself and how childish I was being.

You know, it's funny. This group therapy thing had become such a big deal in my head. The Holy Grail; the panacea that would fix everything. I'd imagined myself finally taking off my shirt, but recently I'd always see it after a couple of weeks of therapy. Because then I'd be more confident or more attractive or more… something.

I'd done that a lot with all sorts of experiences in my head. Turning eighteen, going off to college, getting one of the highest grades in my freshman class. They sounded like such important landmarks that I always thought they'd result in important changes in me.

But then the moments I was imagining arrived and I was there. In college, in the top five percent of my class and… nothing. I wasn't more attractive or more confident. Or, if I was, I wasn't _as_ attractive or _as_ confident as I wanted to be, or as I imagined myself in my head.

I was still just me.

I looked at myself in the mirror again as I grasped the shirt in my hands. I looked a lot better than I used to now that I was taking better care of myself, but I still looked nothing like my fantasy stunt double. I still felt like _me_.

And now I knew the truth. Even if this group therapy thing helped me a lot (and I was still hopeful that it would), it wouldn't match the ridiculous miracle cure my mind had warped it into, it wouldn't transform me into my stunt double. I'd _always_ be just me.

Either that would be good enough for Edward, or it wouldn't.

If he was waiting for me to turn into a different person…if _I_ was waiting for me to turn into a different person…well…that just wasn't going to happen.

I turned my attention back to my shirt, folded it neatly and left it on the closed toilet seat. I walked out of the bathroom cautiously. It helped a little that the main light was off, the only illumination coming from the lamp on my bedside table.

I didn't feel in the least bit, err… sexy. Just awkward, like my breasts were in the way or something, and I didn't know what to do with my hands.

Edward was in bed, in his boxers and lying face down on his stomach, a pillow folded under his chin, as he read a book he'd stolen from my bookshelf.

"Hi," I said, touching his bare back lightly with my fingertips and cautiously climbing onto the edge of the bed.

He mumbled something unintelligible into the pillow, his eyes never leaving the page.

Okay, that didn't really get his attention, so I decided to try something else. I shifted closer and carefully placed one leg on either side of his waist.

_Just concentrate on the view._

I was developing a serious crush on his naked back. My arms at his sides, I kissed his shoulder and then let my lips trail over all the skin in front of me until they eventually settled on the back of his neck. I lowered myself awkwardly. At first my breasts were just barely skimming his back, but then I told myself to stop being a coward and kept going until I was pressed up against him, practically lying on top of him, skin resting on skin.

And then I held my breath.

Judging by how still and tense Edward's body suddenly became, he was holding his breath too.

"Are you..?" he trailed off, swallowing loudly.

"Yes," I whispered and placed another little kiss between his shoulder blades.

"Oh… Right. Well then I think I'll finish reading this later," he said, but didn't move.

"Okay. Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt. Well, I did mean to interrupt, but I just thought…" I swallowed uneasily. My mouth felt like it was filled with sand. "Um. Do you wanna maybe… turn around?"

It was awkward and scary as hell, but there was one good feeling there. _I did it. No matter how he reacts, at least I finally did it._

He turned over slowly and I did the same until I was lying on my back and he was over me. His nervous eyes met mine, but quickly flickered downward until he was just looking at me, _staring_ at me.

_Just stay still and let him look_, I told myself. I tried to remember that I was ridiculously in love with him and he was worth the risk.

My arms felt so out of place. I begged them to keep calm and stay at my sides. _How much time has passed?_ It _felt_ like an eternity, but my feelings were not always to be trusted.

His wide eyes finally met mine again and I couldn't understand why _he_ looked nervous.

I kind of wished he'd say or do something other than lick his lips and stare at me. Or was he waiting for _me_ to do something?

My hand skimmed his forearm and I offered him a small but sincere smile. He returned it immediately, seeming to come back to life again.

His lips were suddenly on mine, persistent, desperate and familiar. He kissed my cheek and all over my face and I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him back just as relentlessly. Because it was Edward. Because it felt right. Because we'd kissed a million times and so what if I was naked, it was just the two of us at the moment, making out like we always did. _It's just me and Edward. It's no big deal_.

Sure, it would've been nice to hear an "I love you" right now, but it was okay that he didn't say it because I knew he felt it. He knew I loved him too.

I let myself get lost in the kissing. It was easy to do because it just felt so _normal._

He placed a tiny quick kiss on my neck and then immediately strayed lower. This bit didn't feel normal at all. I wondered if he could hear my heart racing as his lips left frantic kisses all over my chest, first on my left breast then the right, rushing back and forth like they couldn't decide on a spot.

Definitely not normal, but it did feel a little nice… The main thing that helped me stay calm was that I could feel mini-Edward on my leg. I'd never been so happy to feel him.

_He likes it._

His body started shifting against me, and he moaned quietly. I'd never seen him so worked up before. He seemed to be unconsciously rubbing himself against my leg.

It felt intimate and raw, but it wasn't _that_ scary because it was just my boyfriend.

And well… I kind of liked it too.

I licked my palm, wanting to touch him, but when he realized what I was about to do he stopped me.

"Wait. Wait a second," he panted against my chest, his fingers in my hair, scrunching it in his fist.

"Okay," he finally whispered, his lips immediately reattaching themselves to my left err… nipple.

His hand left my thigh to grope blindly around the bedside table. I was pretty sure he was looking for a condom and at this rate it would take him forever to find one, so I twisted around and quickly retrieved one for him. I placed it in his hand and he scrambled off me, sitting up next to me so he could put it on.

I didn't like the sudden distance between us because it made me remember that I was kind of naked. My fingers crept toward the sheet, itching to pull it up, but I told myself to stop being silly. _It's just Edward and he's seen it all now._

I placed my hand on his leg and rested my forehead against his shoulder instead, waiting.

I distracted myself by staring at Edward. I mean he was putting on the condom so in essence he was kind of… touching himself… I may have started impulsively kissing his shoulder.

Fortunately (not /unfortunately), it wasn't long before his hands were all over me again. He leaned back against the headboard and pulled me toward him until I was… well, straddling him.

"_Me_ on top?" I blurted as Edward nodded frantically.

The idea did sound kind of intriguing and I had told him I wanted to experiment with some new things too, but was now really the best time? _My chest is gonna be completely on display in this position…_

It took me far longer than it should have to figure out that was precisely why Edward wanted to try this tonight.

I nodded back and awkwardly maneuvered myself into the appropriate position, but I still wasn't sure about this.

Okay, Step 1. Remove all clothing and mount your boyfriend. _Check._

_Now what?_

_Now you admit you have no clue what you're doing!_

I tried to swallow down my nerves, but they kept threatening to come back up as I stared down at our bodies, my nakedness impossible to ignore in this position.

Edward nudged my face up until I met his eyes, guided one of my hands to the headboard behind him, and then started kissing me all over my face and neck. His kind eyes and his soft but persistent kisses were so familiar they made me feel a little better, but I still had no idea how to be on top.

"What do I -"

"Just do whatever feels good," he whispered, moving one hand to my hip to help me.

I needed a deep breath and, more importantly, a proper kiss on the lips. Two long kisses later I shifted my hips against his experimentally. _Okay that feels good._

I closed my eyes, as tightly as possible, and tried to just focus on the sensations.

Edward's hand gripping my hip insistently.

Edward's hushed moans around me, his hot breaths on my chest.

Edward's body underneath me, his hips occasionally lifting to meet mine, sending little shocks through me. He'd catch me off-guard but oddly, I didn't mind so much this time.

My hair skimmed against my bare back, making me feel delicate and tingly and almost _reckless_.

I liked that it wasn't just Edward making love _to_me this time. I was a much more eager participant, making love _with _him.

His hand settled around my lower back, pressing us together, his lips all over my shoulder and my neck. I grabbed onto him, clutching at his back, and everything was suddenly hazy and sweaty and I really didn't want to ever stop.

Then his hand was between my legs too and he was telling me to open my eyes and he was staring at me and it was all suddenly too much.

But in a really good way.

I collapsed on top of him, worn out, every thought and feeling seeping out in incoherent whispers in his ear. I wasn't even sure what was pouring out of my mouth. I just hoped there was an "I love you" in there somewhere.

He flipped us over and it wasn't long before his body was also heavy and exhausted on top of mine. My arms enclosed him and my fingers ran idly through his damp hair, that content, sated feeling surrounding us, possessing us.

I reached down to get rid of the condom for him because I kind of liked taking care of him. He grinned up at me and kissed me lazily.

I expected him to roll off me so that I could curl up next to him for the night, but he gave me one last quick kiss on the lips and then returned his attention to my chest.

He placed another little kiss on my left breast, cupping it gently.

And then another. And another.

At first I felt myself growing anxious again, remembering how very _naked_ I was, but he kept going, kissing me until I started to get sort of used to it.

I didn't know if it was a deliberate plan on his part - desensitization or something - but he just kept kissing me there, over and over and over.

It was even pleasant now, but he wouldn't stop and finally it became almost a little annoying.

I tried to wait patiently, but eventually I just had to say something. I loved him and everything, and I understood that it was all new skin and new parts to play with that I'd kept from him for a long time, but this was getting borderline ridiculous. We were both exhausted. Edward especially, could barely keep his eyes open. It was bedtime now - he could touch whatever he wanted to touch tomorrow.

"Edward?" I interrupted carefully.

"Hmm?" he mumbled, jerking awake, his grip tightening automatically.

"You know they'll still be there in the morning, right?"

"Huh? Oh… right. Yeah, I know," he said but didn't move his hand away. "About that… Look, don't feel like now you have to always…" He sighed and glanced down at my chest again wistfully. "Just flash me every now and again, okay?"

I couldn't tell if he was kidding, but I laughed a little anyway. "Okay, but actually now that you've seen everything there is to see… Unless I'm having a really bad day or something…" My fingers played with his hair slowly, thoughtfully, and I was once more struck by just how _close_ he was. "Everything will still be there in the morning," I promised him with as much conviction as I could.

"Thank god!" he said, a boyish smirk plastered all over his face. Once again I couldn't tell if he was kidding, but I smiled regardless.

"I'm sorry it took so long," I whispered.

"Kiss," he directed, waving off my apology and moving up toward me again so that he could touch his lips to mine.

He kissed me once, twice, and then settled in behind me, arranging us into a spooning position and wrapping his arm around my waist.

I tried to get comfortable and drift off to sleep, but I could still feel him staring at me over my shoulder, his hand slowly but deliberately inching upward.

I rolled my eyes and smiled to myself at the same time. Then I grabbed his hand, kissed it and moved it so it was contentedly resting on my breast again.

"Goodnight, Edward."

* * *

**A/N: So, I'm back. I'm sorry it's been so long, but I have all of August off now.**

**(The teaser I sent out in my replies wasn't in this chapter because I did a lot of editing – it will be in the next chapter though.)**

**Thank you to thequietlife and Irritable Grizzzly for all their help and hard work, sweetstarryeyes for the therapy information, revrag for helping me with the shirt scene. **

**I've completely forgotten whatever it was I was supposed to say in this A/N so sorry if I missed something or someone. **

**Finally, thank you if you're still reading my little story. :)**


	34. The Other Side

**Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**

**Reminder:**

**- Bella's about to start group therapy. Elizabeth is her therapist and the group facilitator. Gnats = NATs = Negative Automatic Thoughts; CBT = Cognitive Behavioural Therapy**

**- Professor Banner has been giving Bella extra reading and assignments. **

**- Edward's (real) parents, Carlisle and Esme, are having marital problems, with Esme suspecting that he might have cheated on her.**

**- Bella has been consistently writing random thoughts etc in her journal as a way to clear her head. **

**- In chapters 8-9, Edward bought that journal for Bella's birthday and then, after finding out that she wanted to try to write a short story about a stranger in the park, he dragged her off to the park and posed as her "stranger". When her writing didn't turn out the way she expected, Bella got really depressed and although she promised Edward she'd let him read it when it was ready, she has been guarding the story and her journal as if her life depended on it. **

**Chapter Title: The Other Side**

* * *

I woke up to fingers dragging strands of my hair off my neck.

"Mmmm."

Lips followed, leaving lazy little kisses on my neck. I smiled, my eyes still closed.

"Time to wake up, love."

"No, it's not," I mumbled and turned around, hoping to snuggle with Edward and drift off again. I stretched contentedly, scrunching my toes and then letting them relax.

"It's almost nine-thirty. You're gonna be late for class," he said, his words jerking me awake.

"How can that be? My alarm hasn't gone off." I rubbed my eyes and sat up, clutching the covers to my chest, to check my alarm clock. "Damn, I must've forgotten to set it last night because… well, you know why."

We both smiled at each other like idiots.

"How the hell did _you _wake up before me?" I joked as he trailed his fingers down my spine.

"I don't know. I kept waking up. _You_ on the other hand, slept like the dead."

"Yep." I had slept like a baby. I let the covers go and laid back down, practically on top of Edward, letting my chest press against his. He wrapped his arms around me securely. "I feel great."

I'd never slept in the buff before. The covers were soft and silky around me; Edward's body was warm next to mine. I felt amazing, relaxed, and almost a little reckless.

"Well…" he joked, shrugging nonchalantly as if feeling great was the inevitable, completely unsurprising result of sleeping with him.

I smiled – well, I _kept_ smiling at him - and placed a kiss on his collarbone.

I finally turned to glare at my alarm clock, sighed, and cursed myself for not stripping off on a Friday. Then we could've spent the entire morning naked and canoodling in bed.

"I am _not _closing my eyes," Edward stated, reclaiming my attention. "I mean, that's okay, right?"

_Oh. I have to get out of bed to get some clothes and walk to the bathroom. He's gonna get an eyeful._

Being naked now was actually slightly more difficult than it had been last night.

There was a lot of sunlight leaching through my curtains and the urgency that mini-Edward brought to the situation was conspicuously absent.

But I kissed the corner of his mouth, told him there was no need to close his eyes and got up anyway. I was painfully aware of every tiny flaw and scar on my body, but I managed to keep my arms by my sides as I padded to the bathroom to get dressed, mostly out of habit. I even turned and smiled shyly at him.

He definitely saw everything there was to see (again), not even trying to disguise his staring, but that was fine with me. Maybe I still wasn't a hundred-percent comfortable, but I was getting there.

* * *

Two cups of coffee and several classes later, I found myself walking to my first group therapy session. I guess this was something I'd be doing once a week from now on.

_Don't expect a miracle_, I told myself as I sat in that sterile waiting room again, slouching in my seat and trying to take up as little space as possible. _One day at a time. Your goal for today is to be open-minded; listen, pay attention and speak at least once in front of everybody else. _

I arrived first, but the rest of the chairs were soon filled with other fidgeting students.

_How do I always get myself into these situations? Do I smile at them or avoid eye contact altogether? Is there some kind of therapy-waiting-room etiquette?_

Since no one else said anything, I just stared at my lap and the stupid fake flowers and the ugly beige walls, trying to sneak a surreptitious glance at them every now and again, my mind twisting around the same thought, over and over: _Are they here for the same reason as I am?_

The door suddenly opened and I jumped as my therapist's… err… as Elizabeth's voice severed the uneasy silence, announcing that the wait was over. I wasn't sure whether that was a good thing, but I got up anyway and followed her (and several other students) to the designated room where the group would be held.

We filed in quietly, one by one, and I uttered a quick "thanks" to the person in front of me who held the door open. The room was slightly larger than Elizabeth's and contained a stack of papers and chairs arranged in a circle. As people sat down, it didn't escape my notice that they were leaving empty seats between each other.

There were only nine chairs though, meaning Elizabeth and the rest of us would all have to sit next to each other, so I picked the nearest chair, in-between the guy playing with his iPod and the brunette still wearing a jacket even though it was kind of hot in here. _Better than sitting next to Elizabeth._ I did a quick scan of the room and was extremely relieved not to be met with any familiar faces.

_Nobody here knows me. I'm fine. _

Once again, I was struck by how _normal_ they all looked. The guy on my left who had finally put away his iPod was a little unkempt, but other than that, I couldn't tell anything just by looking at them.

"All right," Elizabeth said, smiling at us as she took her seat, "let's just make sure everybody is here and we'll get started."

She began reading names off a list, smiling at everyone as they raised their hand. I slumped down a little in my seat. I didn't want to do it, but I owned up to my name obediently when it was my turn. At least she was only using our first names. I wasn't sure about everybody else, but I was so nervous that most of it went in one ear and out the other.

"Before we begin, let's discuss a few practical matters. We generally discourage close friendships with other members of the group until the sessions have ended, but I find it helps to agree in the beginning whether you are comfortable acknowledging each other outside the group and what you're comfortable admitting when people ask."

_Admit what to others? No! No, no, no. I thought they said it would be confidential!_

I guess most people felt the same way because we ended up agreeing that while it was okay to acknowledge one another if we ran into someone on campus (as we inevitably would at a small college), it was unquestionably _not_ okay to disclose how we knew each other to anyone outside the group.

Later that evening, I would have to explain to Edward that I just couldn't tell him certain things anymore. While it was more about learning thinking techniques than a "let's talk about your childhood" kind of group, we were still encouraged to share examples from our personal lives. As much as I loved talking to Edward, the parts of themselves other members of the group offered just weren't mine to share with him. I wouldn't want any of their friends or partners knowing my secrets either.

My first session actually went by pretty quickly. There was a lot of general introductory stuff, and although I knew some of it already thanks to Google, I made an effort to pay attention. When Elizabeth asked us to describe some of the effects our issues had on us, I even managed to make myself contribute.

"When I'm feeling low, I don't like quiet," I mumbled, staring at Elizabeth's hair and avoiding all the other group members. "I always need background noise. Music or TV or something."

Not the most insightful or eloquent thing I'd ever said, but whatever. At least I got myself to talk. It helped that other people mumbled stuff too, though Elizabeth undoubtedly did most of the talking.

* * *

That evening when I got back to my dorm, I flopped down onto my bed, extremely relieved that this day was finally over.

I'd gone to the gym after my session and although it had helped me clear my head, I still felt drained.

"How was your day?" Edward asked when he got there an hour later.

"Not bad. My first session was… okay. Nothing groundbreaking, but I think it was a decent start."

"Oh right! You started group therapy today! Shit, that's right. I'm sorry. I'm glad it went well."

_He forgot?_ Huh. "It's okay. Don't worry about it."

We studied for a little while, then had dinner and watched re-runs on my laptop.

"Okay, so what happened to make your day so lousy?" I finally asked him.

"What makes you think it was lousy?" he said, trying to sound indifferent, sitting up next to me. _Aw, isn't he cute thinking he knows me better than I know him?_

"You've been kind of quiet today. And when you did talk, you made one too many jokes. Something wrong?"

He smiled and shook his head. "No, not really. Nothing new anyway. I just wanna forget about it right now."

"Okay…" I said, sitting up and moving closer so that I could touch his shoulder.

He closed his eyes and leaned into me. Encouraged that my advances were welcome, I wrapped my arms around him, hugging him from behind and placing a little kiss on the back of his neck. "Well if you're sure you don't want to talk then… why don't you let _me _distract _you_ for a change?"

"I'm listening."

I smiled and ran my hands over his shoulders. "Okay. So what do you want? Anecdote? Massage? Blow job?"

My fingers, inspired by his quiet chuckle, started roaming his chest of their own volition, sneaking underneath his shirt.

His hand found one of mine and squeezed it. "I talked to my mom."

"Oh?" I leaned my chin on his shoulder. My offer wasn't meant as a joke, but clearly he did want to talk, so I tried to be patient and supportive and all that other good stuff that he always was for me.

"I don't know if it was what she said or the way she said it, but… I think my dad moved out. Or she kicked him out. I can't tell for sure, but the way she was talking is making me think that he's sleeping somewhere else now."

"I'm sorry."

"I know they were having problems before, but at least they were in the same house and now… Do you think that definitely means it's over?" he asked warily.

"No. Not _definitely_. I'm not gonna pretend it's a good sign, but it might actually end up being a good thing. Maybe they just need some time to think. Nothing's definite right now."

"Yeah, I guess. I just…I don't like this. And I'm tired of hearing about it. You know if I had minded my own business, I'd be as clueless as Jasper and Emmett right now. Lucky bastards."

I stayed quiet and let him vent, offering whatever thoughts seemed potentially helpful. I couldn't fix his parents' marriage, but it did seem like he felt better after a while.

He turned to me, doing that smiling thing with his eyes.

I smiled and kissed his cheek and then his mouth. It was supposed to be just one chaste little kiss, but his lips left mine feeling tingly and restless, and he was still staring at my mouth, so I leaned in for one more.

He rested his forehead against mine, sighing loudly. "So, um… Is that blow job offer still on the table?"

* * *

"I'm gonna go get ready for bed," I mumbled one hopefully distracting blow-job later, kissing him once more. Okay, twice.

I got up, fetched my pajama shirt and was about to walk to the bathroom to get changed, when he sat up and caught my hand, pulling me back toward him.

"Do you need that?" he asked quietly, staring at my pajama shirt.

"No. Habit I guess." He was sitting on the edge of my bed and I was standing in front of him. I placed my shirt on the bed next to him. "Though if we're going to sleep, won't I get cold without it?"

"That's my job."

I smiled and guided one of his hands to my waist and the bottom of my top.

_There's no reason for me to get changed in the bathroom anymore, is there? He's seen it all._

He just stared into my eyes for a few moments, his fingers slipping underneath the material. When it became obvious that I had no objection, he slowly pulled it up.

I pulled off _his_ shirt when my top was on the floor because for some unknown reason, only his jeans had been removed when he'd taken me up on my earlier offer.

A few minutes later, all my clothes were on the floor except for my bra. Edward wrapped one arm around me to remove that too, placing little kisses above my belly button and running his other hand over my… posterior.

My fingers played with his hair while I waited for him to undo my bra.

And waited.

_Is it supposed to take him so long?_

"Um…should I...-"

"No, I can do it. Just stay still," he mumbled into my skin, ceasing the kisses and committing both hands to his task now.

"Don't worry, I'll let you practice," I joked and felt him smile against my skin.

When he was finally done, he pulled me into bed and pressed us together, naked skin on naked skin.

"Cold?"

"Nope. Toasty warm, thank you." I sighed and kissed him. "You're really good at your job," I muttered in-between kisses as everything started feeling a lot more urgent. It didn't take long for kissing to turn into making out, our bodies quickly getting carried away.

"It's not a job," he mumbled into my neck as his hand frantically pulled my leg closer, hitching it over his hip. "Bella, last night – there was so much I should've said," he panted. "So much I would've said if I'd been thinking clearly."

"Last night was amazing," I replied breathlessly, my hand on _his _posterior, urging his body nearer. "If you wanna tell me something, then tell me. Now, tomorrow, the day after." _Though now doesn't really seem like the time for talking, if you ask me._ "I'm not going anywhere, so you can tell me whenever."

"That's true," he panted and finally stopped talking and kissed me properly the way I wanted him to.

* * *

The days passed exactly like they always did. I spent time with Edward, went to class and to therapy once a week. Even the group sessions began feeling ordinary despite the fact that I'd only been to three so far.

Elizabeth gave us worksheets to consider and homework every week, which we always discussed in the next session, usually in pairs and then as a group. Apart from actually doing the homework, discussing it and anything else that touched on my personal life, was always the toughest part of the session. However, although speaking in the group wasn't easy, it was nowhere near as difficult as I thought it would be. Maybe because nobody really _expected_ me to talk or be relaxed. And nobody else was relaxed either.

As irrational as it must sound, the fact that no one _expected _me to be comfortable made me feel _a lot_ more comfortable.

It helped that other people offered some of the experiences that haunted them too. Not that everyone was an open book. There were plenty of awkward silences when none of us were particularly keen on sharing, and often the group was tainted with a polite but formal atmosphere. I didn't suddenly feel like I'd found my niche; that wonderful, mythical place where I accepted others and they accepted me, but…

But every now and again someone would say something and I'd just know _exactly_ what they were talking about because I'd _felt_ the same feeling and _thought_ the same thought more often than I could recall.

It was one of the weirdest sensations. For all intents and purposes, these people were complete strangers. I didn't know their full names or what music they listened to or where they were from, but on some level, the level that brought us all to that room every week, I probably knew them better than some of their closest friends.

_Weird. But also kind of nice. _

_It's not just me._

At the end of the sessions, we were all polite, holding the door open for each other, but as soon as we cleared the threshold, the group promptly disintegrated, individuals dispersing in every direction, always a safe distance between us. And then, then it was back to… life. It didn't matter what had been said, life would go on like it always did. I'd go back to trying to deal with classes and taking care of myself and Banner's extra assignments and my parents and my friends and Edward and everything else.

That stuff was always there, waiting for me, and sometimes I wasn't happy to see it, but then again, sometimes I was.

* * *

"So in your pairs, have a look at the worksheet and try to come up with some of your own examples," Elizabeth said as she handed each of us a piece of paper during my fourth session.

_Week four. Okay, Bella. Focus._

"Try to identify what exact thoughts were running through your mind at that moment," she instructed happily, smiling that polite smile at us, and I wanted to roll my eyes _so_ badly.

Did she really have to be so happy all the time? Sometimes I just wanted to fucking snap at her. _What makes you so perfect? Why don't you try changing the way you've thought about everything for years and confronting your 'core beliefs' and see how fucking easy you find it! _

But as quickly as the anger and frustration would seize me, it would let me go. No one was forcing to me come here every week.

I turned tentatively to iPod boy, who was sitting on my left.

I was a little uncertain about having him as my partner because he hardly ever contributed to the discussion unless Elizabeth directly called on him and it was obvious that he never did the homework. _Apparently, doing your homework isn't "cool" here either._

Most of the time, he was glued to his iPod, listening to it right up until Elizabeth started speaking, and attaching the earphones again as soon as she announced that was all for the week.

But I was here _for me. _I had to at least try to do the exercise. He probably just felt uncomfortable – God knows I did too – and would hopefully feel more relaxed once we started.

_Okay, Bella. Suck it up and start talking. _

I read through the worksheet. It was a list of distorted thinking patterns, many of which were sickeningly familiar.

"Um, okay so…" I cleared my throat uneasily and tried to take the initiative since it was evident that he wouldn't. "I think I do most of these. The mind reading/jumping to conclusions one… I do that a lot. And the labeling one…"

The butterflies in my stomach grew restless as I read the description on the page:

'Instead of describing your error, you attach a negative label to yourself: "I'm a loser."… Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded.'

_Dear Lord, how often had I done that?_

"Yeah," the boy said. I waited for him to reciprocate in some way… maybe point out a cognitive distortion that he struggled with or something, but he didn't.

_Okay, still my turn I guess… _

"So an example… Okay, during spring break I went camping. I was really looking forward to it because it was my first time um-" _going away with a group of my __friends_ "going camping and I really wanted it to be perfect.

"None of us really knew where we were going, but we wanted to walk around and explore and somehow Ed-win," I caught myself just in time, "Edwin and I were given the map and we were put in charge of navigation and… well, I got us majorly lost. We ended up wandering around for hours and it started raining and just… Yeah, I messed up big time and for a while the only thing I could think was 'God, you're such an idiot. You let everybody down. You ruined the entire trip.'"

Hearing my thoughts out loud was so weird. Out loud they sounded kind of… stupid.

"I guess I- I had an idea of what the trip would be like in my head and me screwing up and getting us lost wasn't really part of it." I cleared my throat hastily, starting to feel uncomfortable with the personal shit I'd just revealed and wanting to get back to the safer technical aspects of the exercise.

"So I guess it's also an example of 'All or Nothing' thinking too," I said, pointing to the first heading on the sheet unnecessarily.

"So what happened?" he asked and I turned to look at him, pleasantly surprised that I'd gotten more than a monosyllabic response.

He was smiling, though... Why was he smiling? _Is he laughing at me?_

_Jesus Christ, stop trying to guess. Maybe he can relate. Just do the freaking exercise. _

"Well, I was kinda quiet for a while, because I was upset that I'd messed up. It took me some time to snap out of it and try to have a good time again, but I did have fun in the end," I concluded. "Though I still wish I hadn't gotten us lost," I admitted sheepishly, shrugging.

"So um… do you have an example?" I asked tentatively, not wanting the awkward silence to overwhelm us again.

"Oh. Um…" he trailed off. "It's difficult to think of an actual example off the top of my head," he mumbled and I nodded even though I could easily think of a dozen examples for me just from this month alone. "Um… I can't really think of anything."

"All right. Has everyone had a chance to consider the worksheet? Let's talk about some of the things that came up," Elizabeth interrupted, bringing us back to group discussion.

It would've been nice to get an example from him in return, but I guess life doesn't always work that way.

* * *

Our homework for that week was particularly intimidating.

In the first three weeks, our homework had mainly been theoretical. We had to start keeping a "thought diary," at first, just writing down our thoughts when we felt especially anxious or down, and then writing down anything we could think of to challenge those thoughts.

_This _week we were supposed to use all the theory and actually try to do one thing that gave us that horrible feeling of dread and despair in the pit of our stomachs.

I was already a little down because Edward and I had been too busy to see each other all day and he was sleeping in his own dorm room tonight due to an early meeting in the morning. I really didn't feel like doing therapy homework today.

I had no idea what my one thing would be, but then I saw my journal lying at the bottom of my bag and before I knew it, I was sitting on a bench by the river, the annoyingly harmless-looking journal in my lap.

I couldn't believe that I was actually contemplating trying to finish the stupid short story I'd started months ago. I hadn't even read over any of what I'd scribbled when Edward had somehow talked me into trying to write something of my own. I really didn't want to do this; to see yet more evidence of how many things I sucked at.

_But this is my homework and I always do my homework._

I sighed loudly and looked up, trying to talk myself into starting. My eyes suddenly stumbled upon a familiar figure walking past my bench.

iPod boy!

I'd seen a few members of the group around campus every now and again, but it was usually from afar. On this particular occasion however, my timing impeccable as always, I looked up just as he walked past me and he was so close that our eyes unexpectedly met and I jumped like a girl. _Oh my god. What do I do?_

"Sorry!" he blurted, realizing that he'd just scared the hell out me.

"It's okay."

"Sorry, Bella. I didn't mean to scare you. I didn't see you…" he rambled, pulling one of the earphones out of his ear.

"It's fine, really. I'm sorry," I replied automatically. It wasn't his fault that I intensely disliked being caught off-guard.

"Okay. Sorry again." He stood in front of me, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, while I managed to somewhat calm myself.

_Wait, he knows my name? I don't know his. Shit. _

"I'm sorry. I didn't catch your name in the first session," I mumbled, trying to fight the urge to fidget with my shirt.

"Seth. Hi." He smiled a tiny smile, rocking back on his heels.

"Hi."

Um… Err…. _Okay, relax and say something._ "Funny we should run into each other now. I was just trying to do this week's homework," I rambled, unsure what I was supposed to say.

"Sure, right. I haven't started it yet. I don't know what I'll do," he mumbled, eyeing the empty space on the bench next to me. I shifted my bag even though it wasn't in the way.

"Yeah. This week's was pretty vague."

The seconds died far too slowly for my liking. Man, this felt odd. He was a stranger, but he knew some very personal things about me.

I really wished he'd either sit down next to me or walk away. This whole "him hovering while I stayed seated" thing was making me unnecessarily edgy.

"Yeah, this stuff is pretty weird, isn't it? It's actually kind of common sense… Like that 'Worry Tree' worksheet we got this week. 'Ask yourself if there's something you can do right now. If there is, do it. If not, schedule it for later and distract yourself,'" I recited. "It's not exactly rocket science, is it?"

I don't know why I kept rambling, but it was just so quiet and awkward and he was still hovering and I felt like I had to say _something_.

Plus I kind of _wanted _to talk about this stuff. With someone who got it; who was going through it too.

I was much more comfortable putting myself out there now, after all my opportunities and experiences with Angela and Edward, and really what was the worst that could happen?_ He looks at me like I'm crazy and walks away? Been there, done that. _

He smiled and finally sat down on the bench next to me, taking the other earphone out of his ear. "Yeah and it's like – why are we so stupid that we need a fucking worksheet?"

"Exactly! Although, I guess we're not supposed to say we're 'stupid.'"

"We're not supposed to say 'supposed to,'" he immediately replied and I couldn't help but return his quiet smile, my posture relaxing a little.

_This is kind of… nice. _

At least it was nice until my brain decided to remind me of something.

_You're not 'supposed to' be socializing with other people in the group, remember?_

Shit, was talking to him against the rules? We'd agreed we could acknowledge each other, but Elizabeth did say we weren't supposed to be getting too friendly… not until the sessions finished anyway. _What am I supposed to do now? _

"Those worksheets are so pointless." His melancholy tone pulled me out of my mini-panic. I wasn't sure whether I agreed with _that._

"I don't know," I mumbled. "Some of them can be sort of useful."

He just shrugged, all hints of his quiet smile erased. He looked so tired.

"Speaking of worksheets…" he began a few long, silent moments later. "Err… You know how in the last session you were saying that you got everybody lost on your camping trip?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I thought of something if you want to hear it…"

"Oh… Sure, okay," I replied hesitantly, still nervous that all of this was against the rules, but I really didn't want to tell him no because I knew how awful it felt to hear it. I guess it wasn't against the rules to just finish the exercise because we hadrun out of time during the session… "What is it?"

"You said _you _got everybody lost. But before that you said that you _and_ that Edwin person were put in charge of navigation. I don't know if that means anything… obviously I wasn't there…"

"Huh… um… Yeah, we were both trying to navigate… hmm. I guess I misspoke? _We_ got us lost."

Edward had been just as involved as I was in trying to figure out the map. So then WE got us lost, not just me. Wow. That hadn't occurred to me at all.

Had I done this before? Given him credit for what was merely a lucky coincidence or blamed myself when it wasn't solely my fault?

"So did you have an example you wanted to talk about? I'm sorry I went on and on and we ran out of time before you could say anything." I changed the subject hastily, finding the idea that I couldn't always trust my own memory kind of unsettling.

"Oh… no. I still haven't thought of anything. It's a stupid exercise anyway."

"Oh okay," I mumbled, disappointed and self-conscious now that I knew he wasn't going to share anything in return.

When neither of us said anything for a while, I started feeling uneasy again, my hands begging me to let them fidget with something.

I turned to Seth, hoping to restart some kind of conversation, but held my tongue when I saw the intense scowl on his face.

_Oh my god, did I do something to piss him off?_

Telling myself not to jump to conclusions, I glanced behind me and realized that he was glaring at a couple sprawled out on the grass a few feet away from us. They were making out furiously and I wished there was someone confident enough around to tell them to get a room.

Public displays of affection weren't my favorite thing to witness either, but he seemed disproportionately upset.

"Gross," I tried to joke and then immediately wanted to bang my head against the bench. "But, um… it's sort of reassuring too, isn't it?" I tried again, attempting to offer a different interpretation to the negative one he'd clearly seized upon because… well, because that's what we did in therapy and I didn't know what else to do. "They're not exactly… supermodels, but they certainly look like they're having fun. So, maybe it's sort of proof that beauty's in the eye of the beholder-"

"The only thing that proves is that everybody's getting laid except me," he grumbled and I tried not to blush.

The look of defeat on his face was easy to recognize.

I didn't even know him, but I wanted to make him feel better... badly. Because I knew exactly what that felt like. Because I wanted some proof that all the worksheets and the maxims and the stupid sayings we learned in therapy actually worked.

"Well, um…" I wanted to gently remind him that we shouldn't try to guess the future, and that sometimes it helped to think of ourselves as having a prejudice; as more likely to discount the positive and zero in on the negative. Sometimes you just needed to hear it from someone else.

But I barely got two words out before he jumped up and shook his head. "I can't do this right now. I gotta go. I'll see you next week," he said, rushing through the words as he rushed away from me.

_Okay, that didn't go quite the way I hoped it would._

_

* * *

_

I ran my hands over my face, rubbing my temples and trying to remind myself not to take it personally. I had no idea what was going on with him. It might have nothing to do with me. Or I did something wrong.

_But I don't know right now so I'm just gonna… do my homework. _

I took a deep breath, flipped open my journal and read my "short story" with distaste.

_Yeah, it's complete crap. And you really need to do something about your penmanship. _

I tried to chase away the gnats like I was supposed to, but I wasn't having much luck. That was the problem with this therapy stuff. It required continuous effort and repetition and _faith_ and in the beginning the only reward was constant failure, again and again and again. I knew exactly what I was doing wrong, but I still did it anyway. Sometimes it just didn't work, or didn't work nearly as well as I'd hoped it would. Self-aware or not, sometimes I wondered if it really made any difference.

I shook my head, labeled my story "first try," and forced myself to flip over to one of the few clean pages left in the journal for the second try.

I tried to rewrite the worst parts and turn it into something that resembled an actual story. Right now it was just a really weird description of Edward.

Looking at the trees and other people scattered around me for help, I rummaged through my brain for some interesting descriptions to throw in and flesh it out a little.

Nothing came to mind.

I was kind of pissed-off with my imagination – I can effortlessly conjure every conceivable worst-case scenario, but coming up with a semi-decent way to describe something _good_ is beyond me? _Thanks, life. Thanks a lot_.

I kept trying, but it just wasn't happening. I felt like I had to say _something _and I was painfully aware that I had nothing to say. Describing the trees was a whole bunch of nothing and I just…didn't care.

In the end, I decided to write whatever the fuck I wanted to write. _Who cares if the only person who understands it is me?_ I was the only one who'd ever read it anyway.

Unless…

My mind dredged up a promise I'd made what seemed like a lifetime ago.

I promised Edward that he could read it when it was ready.

_Is it ready?_

_

* * *

_

**A/N:**

**Bella calling Edward Edwin in therapy: In chp32, ****she said she wants to "protect" Edward by not revealing his name. It's Bella's own little rule and not a general rule in therapy.**

**Thank you to thequietlife, Irritable Grizzzly and revrag. Also sweetstarryeyes and simmerk for the info on group therapy and how different people cope.**

**And thank you to those who review anonymously or have disabled PMs since I can't thank you directly.**

**Thanks for reading :)**


	35. Strange music

**A/N: My apologies – it's been difficult getting into the mood to write lately and I want to try to make these last few chapters decent. I'm aiming for 40 (or less) chapters in total.**

**Anyway, thank you to thequeitlife, Irritable Grizzzly and revrag. Also huge thanks to simmerk for helping me with Seth's character. **

**And thanks for reading. :)**

* * *

******Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**

**Chapter Title: Strange music**

**"It is difficult and painful for the ear to listen to anything****new; we hear strange music badly." Nietzsche**

**Last chapter:**** Bella started group therapy and met Seth, aka iPod boy. He's constantly listening to music and doesn't contribute or do the homework. At the end of the chapter, Bella is trying to do her therapy homework for week four: finishing the short story she began in chp8/9. **

_**I kept trying, but it just wasn't happening. I felt like I had to say**__**something**__**and I was painfully aware that I had nothing to say. Describing the trees was a whole bunch of nothing and I just…didn't care.**_

_**In the end, I decided to write whatever the fuck I wanted to write.**_**Who cares if the only person who understands it is me?**_**I was the only one who'd ever read it anyway.**_

_**Unless…**_

_**My mind dredged up a promise I'd made what seemed like a lifetime ago.**_

_**I promised Edward that he could read it when it was ready.**_

_**Is it ready?**_

_

* * *

_

_Is it ready?_

The answer appeared to me - sudden, visceral. Indisputable: _Nope._

It wasn't ready. It was crap. It was filled with mistakes and it probably read like the mental vomit of a twelve-year-old girl, but if he still wanted to read it…

Edward had promised to play one of his songs for me in return. I'd never heard Edward play the piano and honestly, for all I knew, he could be terrible. It didn't seem like he practiced very much – not while he was at college anyway.

His songs might be complete garbage, but even if they were, I knew I'd still want to hear them because they were… his.

_But that's different. Edward's Edward and I'm…well, me. Plus I bet even without practicing he's really good, whereas I'm genuinely awful._

I exhaled loudly and, because apparently I was a masochistic moron, I started skimming through some of the other pages.

I'd written in my journal a lot over the last few months, but one thing I'd never done was go back and read the results. First because I didn't want to – the idea alone made me feel queasy – and second because that wasn't the point. It was just a way to unload some of the thoughts that polluted my mind.

I read the entry immediately following my first attempt at writing a short story, the restless butterflies temporarily muffled by morbid curiosity.

Had I really written _that _only months ago? Christ.

I turned the page and read the next entry. And then the one after that and the one after that.

I couldn't stop reading, my face inching closer and closer to my journal. There it all was – so tangible, scrawled across the clean pages. Fragments of unfinished thoughts; blurred snapshots of old feelings. It kind of felt like I was in one of those Halls of Mirrors they have at fairs, surrounded by dozens of warped reflections, wondering which was the real one. Which was stupid, of course, because none of them were.

Some of it sounded a lot worse than I remembered it. _Geez, Bella – teen angst much? _

Some of it didn't sound nearly bad enough.

There were some entries that didn't make any sense. They didn't even sound _real_ – just faintly bizarre, almost comical.

Had they ever made sense to me? Did _I_ really write that?

A considerable amount of them (still) did make sense though, and some of them were definitely (still) true. For _me_, anyway.

_What I wouldn't give to spend the day in someone else's mind! What do "normal" people do all day? What do they think about? I suppose they're too busy "living their lives" to overthink everything the way I do. _

Most of all, though, I was struck by how many of the things in my journal Edward already knew.

_I told Edward that right after we said "I love you" the first/second time._

Even the parts that I hadn't explicitly told him – he'd seen almost all of it for himself firsthand. He'd seen me freak out and worry and worry and cry.

And okay, my ramblings weren't anything special, but they were uncensored and they were _mine_.

I tore out one of the last pages (as well as one other page, the contents of which I wanted to die with me), scribbled a short note to Edward, and placed it inside the journal carefully, precisely.

I stood up, determined to fulfill my promise to Edward, feeling sure of myself, even though I didn't know why I was sure at all. I didn't want to think about why, or to analyze this into unrecognizable pieces. I just wanted to do it.

I hurried to his dorm room before I could change my mind and knocked on the door. It was early, so I knew Edward would still be in class. When Mike answered, I lied and told him I wanted to check whether I'd left something in their room. He shrugged and let me in and I pretended to search around.

When I was sure Mike wasn't looking, I retrieved the journal from the bottom of my bag and stashed it underneath Edward's pillow.

Then I practically ran out the door and said, "Oh, I guess I must've left it somewhere else. Thanks anyway, Mike. Bye." Maybe I wasn't very convincing, but I didn't care right now. I just wanted to leave the journal for Edward to find tonight when he got into bed and then get the hell out of there.

As I walked out, I thought of him reading the note I'd left:

_Edward,_

_You've probably completely forgotten about this, but…I finally, __finally,__ finished that short story, if you're still interested and want to read it. _

_See you tomorrow night._

_Bella (Swan)_

_P.S. You know you don't actually have to read any of it unless you want to, right?_

* * *

He didn't call or text me all day. I hadn't expected him to. He had class and then he was watching some kind of sporting event with his friends which would probably be followed by (more) beer and video games until they got bored. I knew he'd be busy all day. He'd decided it would be easier if he didn't come over tonight and probably wouldn't discover the journal for a while.

I had plans of my own with Angela and Kate, so I tried to focus on that.

It wasn't so much that I was worried. I actually felt pretty good. I could feel that little spark of excitement in my stomach, tumbling around with all the stupid butterflies in there. It occurred to me that he could easily read past the short story – I had given him the whole journal after all – but I decided that I (mostly) didn't care. He already knew most of it anyway.

* * *

"Hello?" I mumbled groggily into the phone, squinting at my alarm clock.

_Quarter to two in the morning? Who do I need to be mildly annoyed with for calling me at quarter to two in the morning?_

"Damn, did I wake you? Sorry, I didn't realize how late it had gotten."

_Edward. Did he just find the journal? Okay, I'll be mildly annoyed with him later then._

"It's all right."

I heard him swallow uneasily and automatically copied him. The gap in the conversation widened loudly and I tried to think of a way to fill it.

"So, did you have fun with –"

"So, I was just calling to say –"

We both began speaking at the same time, adding an extra layer to the nervous energy between us.

Edward chuckled and said, "You go."

"I was just asking if you had fun tonight."

"I did. I hope you had a good night too." He cleared his throat and cut me off before I could answer. "I'm just calling to say, um, thanks. For the short story. I'll read it and give you back your journal tomorrow? Or maybe buy you a new one since this one looks almost full…"

_A new one? Is that a hint or is he just being nice? _He sounded unsure, so maybe he didn't know either.

"Yeah, there are only a few blank pages left. I actually already bought a new one this afternoon. So um, there's no rush or anything. I don't need it back…"

"Oh, okay. I'll hang onto it for a little while then…" he trailed off awkwardly. "I won't read any of the other entries, promise."

_How do I let him know he can read anything he wants without making it seem like I need/expect him to read it? _

I hated awkward conversations like this, but they still happened all the time – even with Edward. They made me feel blind, shoved into darkness and forced to warily feel my way around. With Edward, though, I was much less cautious because I trusted us to give each other a little elbow room now and then.

"You can read the rest if you want to. But you don't have to. It's not a trick to see how much you'll read. I just wanted to keep my promise. It's not exactly thoughtful stuff. Just me venting for the most part and some of my feelings have changed since then, so…If you read the other entries, don't take them too seriously, you know?"

"Okay, well I'll see what I end up reading. I'll definitely skip over any girl-related entries, though," he said, lightening the mood a little.

"Totally understandable." I smiled, reminded of the first time I'd had to tell him we couldn't mess around for a little while because I was on my period. Well, in reality, all I'd said was: "It's um, not the right time…of the month." And all he'd said was 'Oh. Right." He clearly hadn't wanted to know any of the details. I couldn't blame him since I wished I didn't know most of the details myself. I had zero desire to discuss it with him, and certainly couldn't recall writing about any of that stuff in my journal.

"Mike – he's at Jessica's tonight by the way – anyway, he told the weirdest, most disgusting joke tonight. Wanna hear it?"

"I don't know, do I?" _If he's bringing it up now, then it's about girl parts and/or bodily functions. _"Okay, tell me."

He started telling me the joke, back to his usual light tone, and the conversation quickly spiraled off into more comfortable territory. We were talking like we always did, the normality lulling me into a dangerous sense of complacency. If it hadn't felt so damn natural, I probably wouldn't have forgotten myself and acted so impulsively.

"Bella? Hello?"

"Yes, yes. I'm still here, sorry," I said, quickly grabbing my phone again so I could hear what he was saying.

"Where'd you go?"

"Nowhere. I just did something stupid. Ignore me and carry on, please."

"What'd you do?"

"Nothing."

"No way. You have to tell me."

"It's stupid," I said, regretting that I'd said anything at all. "Okay, I err…I took off my shirt," I finally confessed.

Silence. And then a small, "Why?"

"I wasn't thinking. I just did it. I've got this silly little…um…I've got this fantasy where I'm acting all casual around you even though I'm naked - like it's nothing – and we were talking so easily just now. It was just a stupid, spur-of-the-moment thing."

He laughed a little, but then said, "I have that fantasy too. And I'm not wearing a shirt but I can take off my boxers if you want."

"Really?" I smiled, gaining a little confidence. "Do you have any other… fantasies?" I asked quietly.

He laughed again. "Only a few hundred."

"Like what?"

"Um. I'm not sure I should tell you."

_Well, of course he doesn't want to tell you. You're so virginal (even now that you're not a virgin!) that it probably feels as if he'd be telling this stuff to a panda bear. _

_Shut up, please._

"Why not?" I asked, ignoring my first instinct to change the subject.

"You're gonna think I'm a sick pervert," he said lightly, trying to make a joke out of it.

"I won't think that. Well…how kinky are we talking? Never mind, it doesn't matter. I _won't_ think you're sick," I promised. "I've seen 'adult movies' before, you know, so you're not gonna freak me out," I offered after the conversation threatened to lapse again.

"When did this happen and why wasn't I there?"

"Recently… very recently. Well, I've only seen _one_ actually, and it was pretty tame I think. Kate sent me the link in jest and I…well I didn't look away."

I'd felt so weird watching it, but Kate had been teasing me about a particularly stupid/innocent comment I'd made (apparently the phrase is "spit or swallow", not "suck or swallow") and frankly, I was just really, really curious. So I watched it.

"It's always the quiet ones," he joked.

Then something suddenly occurred to me. "You're not mad, are you? You don't consider it cheating, right?"

I hoped no matter what, he'd want to try to work things out, but I knew that Edward considered cheating one of the worst possible offenses. As did I.

"No, that's not cheating in my opinion," he said, laughing.

"One thing led to another and it just sort of happened. I was thinking about you the whole time," I joked. Sort of. It was also completely true. "Have _you_ ever seen one of those movies?" I asked tentatively.

"Um… yes. More than one."

"Right." _Well, duh, Bella! Of course he's seen porn before. Welcome to the internet. _

I wasn't sure how I felt about this stuff and we seemed to be splintering off into a weird area that I didn't want to explore right now. I left myself a mental note to find out what he considered cheating at some point (_actually, finding out what __I__ consider cheating might be smart too), _and then tried to get us back to the original subject. "Well, anyway, we were talking about fantasies…Okay, look I'll go first."

I took a deep breath and tried to swallow down my nerves. It helped that we were having this conversation over the phone instead of face-to-face. It was embarrassing, but I wanted to show him that he didn't have to be so gentle with me all the time. I appreciated it and loved him for it, but it wasn't necessary, not anymore. He didn't have to edit so much – I didn't want him to hold back.

_I'm not gonna break and I'm not gonna run away._

"Okay, so you know when I'm kissing you... down there..."

I felt pretty pathetic saying this stuff out loud. Like I was violating people's expectations of shy little girls like me. Like I was the wrong _type_ or something.

But I cleared my throat and began again, "You know when I'm giving you a blow job? Well, just before you finish, you push me away and then we usually clean up with a tissue. I've been sort of curious about…maybe not using a tissue. You know, just, um, kissing it off you?"

_I can't believe you're saying these things_, I chastized myself. _Don't you know that delicate little wallflowers aren't supposed to have fantasies, desires and kinks? Apparently, they don't swear or go to the bathroom either._

It was weird because sometimes I thought this idea seemed a little disgusting, but other times it seemed intimate and _close_.

"Edward?" I asked, unsure if we'd been quiet longer than appropriate.

"Yeah, yeah I'm here," he said. "Not to discourage you in any way, but I've heard that it doesn't always taste good."

"No, I know." I'd already realized through my informal sex-ed classes with Kate (so informal that she had no idea she was providing them) that evidently that stuff didn't taste very nice at all. She'd said all sorts of scary things about horrible consistency and how she'd gagged her first time, so I left myself a mental note to research all this some more. For now though, I figured just kind of kissing it off his stomach might not be altogether disastrous.

I didn't really know why I wanted to try it. I just knew that I didn't want to be _told_ what it tasted like. I wanted to _know_ by finding out myself. "I'm still really… curious," I confessed to Edward.

And being curious was a lot more fun than being scared all the time.

_Congratulations. You've discovered the existence of hormones. Only several years of puberty too late. _

"So…will you tell me one of yours now?"

"You just described one of mine. Okay, um…" I waited for him to choose a fantasy to share. I'd chosen one of my tamest ones, and I knew he'd do the same. We usually started slowly, but whatever. Gotta start somewhere.

"I have a lot that begin with you stripping for me. Not like…you're not putting on a show or anything. You're in the bathroom, just finishing brushing your hair. You call my name and ask me to come in for a second. I do and you turn to me. You just stand there, look me in the eyes, and start unbuttoning your shirt."

I kinda liked it so far, but I was confused because my pajama shirt was a t-shirt i.e. no buttons_. I can definitely buy a shirt with buttons though…_

"Oh, in the fantasy you're wearing my shirt – the blue one you wore our first time, remember?"

It was safe to say that yes, I remembered. "Then what happens?"

"Well, then you're naked and I'm magically naked too."

I edited the scene in my head to include a little bit of stripping on Edward's part too since he hadn't included it.

"And then I kind of…bend you over the bathroom counter and we - you know - have sex."

Not face-to-face. We hadn't tried that yet. Huh.

And "have sex" not "make love"… Well, okay. It didn't hurt at all anymore and just because we didn't _always_ make love, didn't mean we weren't "in love." Even _I _knew that.

"Bella?"

"I'm still here." I cleared my throat, aware that my thoughts had drifted. "That's really interesting. I mean, I'm definitely interest_ed_. Um." I cleared my throat again.

"Yeah?" I could practically hear him relaxing and grinning.

"Just one question. Why in the _bathroom_? You do know that we pee in there, right?" I said teasingly.

"Yeah…not something I'd think about while you're naked. But I mean, I know what else you do in there."

_Err… what?_

"I know how much time you spend worrying in there. You used to always lock the door and I always had to wait for you to come out."

_Oooooh. _"I see. That's very…"

"Interesting?" he chuckled.

"Yes. Very," I said, smiling like an idiot.

"I wish we'd had this conversation tomorrow night when I can actually come over," he groaned and I couldn't help but agree.

"Yeah. That sucks."

I didn't realize just how much it sucked until we'd hung up one awkward goodnight later, and I was left alone in my room with the quiet. And the tension.

_Great. _How exactly was I supposed to fall asleep?

Well, I knew _how_…I just didn't do that sort of thing very often. It used to make me feel really weird. I hadn't been very good at it before I'd figured out how to clear my mind (the idea of someone else picturing me doing _that _and thinking it was sick and disgusting would kind of kill the mood). Besides, now I had Edward around most of the time.

_He's not around right now…_

My hand settled tentatively just below my bellybutton, slowly inching lower, and I closed my eyes and told myself to relax.

_Okay, think of boys and boy parts._

That immediately turned into Edward and Edward's parts, and I tried to imagine him whispering in my ear, telling me to just focus on the feelings.

Then a much more intriguing thought came to mind: Is Edward doing the same thing _right now_? _I wonder if/how often he does stuff like that…_

Once my brain had latched onto that idea, I was pretty sure I could handle all this on my own, but I couldn't help but think that it would be more fun if I didn't have to imagine it.

For the second time tonight, I did something stupid and spur-of-the-moment. I grabbed my phone to send Edward a text message.

_**Are you asleep? (Bella)**_

My phone rang almost immediately.

"No and I was just about to call you," Edward said, sounding almost as relieved as I felt. _Thank God._

"Thank God."

* * *

This broadening our horizons thing was a lot of fun and the days passed quickly.

Okay, they weren't lying - _it _didn't exactly taste amazing.

But I was still glad that I'd tried it and I still thought there was a weird intimacy to the act. It seemed like…acceptance? I guess it was just symbolic or something.

And Edward looked as if he really enjoyed "the view." Like a lot. That alone kinda made me want to do it again.

_It can't be sick to want to make my boyfriend feel as good as possible, can it?_

Whatever. I decided I was through wondering whether I was supposed to do these things and what other people would think.

I, _we,_ were just gonna make up our own rules as we went along.

(Well, okay, I'd probably worry what people would think again in the future, but I figured the more times I learned this lesson, the more likely it was that it would stick.

_Repetition, repetition. And all that. And all that.)_

* * *

I knocked on Edward's door tentatively, worried about disturbing him. I'd had a thoroughly lousy day because I'd finally done my therapy homework for this week, week six, but I wanted to check on him. When I got my permission in the form of a gravely "come in," I entered.

"Hey. Feeling any better?" He'd been really sick for the past couple of days.

"Yeah, a bit."

I found Edward lying in bed, exactly where he'd been this morning and all day for the last two days.

"Photocopied some more notes for you." I left the small stack on his bedside table, not because I expected him to read them right away, but because his desk was in complete (apparently organized) chaos.

My journal was lying open on the little table, next to an almost empty bottle of water. _Well, I guess being stuck in bed all day has made him bored enough to read it. _

It looked like he'd gone well beyond the short story. I knew he'd already read some of it before he'd gotten sick, but we never really talked about it. Once he'd showed me a page and asked if I still felt that way, and then kissed me a few extra times when I'd told him that I didn't. Otherwise, he hadn't said much, which was completely fine with me. I was glad that he wasn't taking it too seriously and hoped that, with it happening this way, he didn't feel any pressure to keep reading.

I left the journal exactly where it was and went to refill his water bottle.

"If you're not cold, we should really crack open a window." It smelled like sweat and vomit in here.

He mumbled something about me not getting too close, but I ignored him. I kissed his forehead and sat down on the floor by his bed. He turned and just looked at me.

Thankfully, his forehead was a lot cooler. When he'd first started feeling ill, I'd panicked a little - inwardly (on the outside I'd tried to stay calm so that _he_ wouldn't worry). What if it was meningitis or pneumonia or something? But after I'd begged and bribed him into going to the doctor and it turned out it was just the flu, I'd calmed down. Still, he felt terrible and I didn't like it.

At all.

I smoothed the damp hair away from his forehead, stroking it absentmindedly.

"Hungry?"

"Yes, actually."

"I can bring you some proper dinner later if you want." It was a good sign that his appetite had returned.

"Okay, but not soup. I'm sick of soup. Can you make that pasta? You know, the nice one?"

"Sure."

"Thanks. That sounds great."

I sat on the floor and kept him company for a while, like I'd done over the last few days, just in case promises of sex, food and movies (his three favorite things) would increase the speed of his recovery. At some point he said he needed a shower and twenty minutes later, got up to take one.

"All right, I'll be back later with food. Call me if you need anything." I kissed him on the cheek and left. We decided that I'd come back in a few hours so he'd have time to shower and nap a little before dinner.

* * *

"What are you smiling about?" Seth asked about thirty minutes later, startling me like always and making me jump. He collapsed onto the bench next to me, one earphone still blaring music in his left ear. He only hesitated a little this time.

"Nothing. I'm not smiling." I shook my head, confused, noting his sarcasm two seconds too late. "Oh. Very funny."

_Not._

With Edward still sick and that stupid therapy homework, I'd had a long day and I'd come to the river to not-think for twenty minutes, but I nodded at him and mumbled hello anyway.

"You're always here," he said.

"I like it here. It's still. And it's quiet, but not in a loud way." I liked coming here by myself, somewhere I could feel anonymous for a while, where my most immediate concern was whether the duck population was growing.

"How are you?" I asked Seth, attempting to focus on him.

He made an unintelligible sound that suggested he wasn't in a particularly good mood either. He hardly ever was.

"Something wrong?" I tried.

"No," he replied automatically. Then a few long moments later, "You?"

"No," I told him.

I'd bump into him from time to time and we'd sort of talk occasionally. Of course, I also saw him at therapy every week. I couldn't believe it was already week six. _Man, that sounds so weird. _

"Well, actually. It's nothing, just this week's stupid homework," I rambled, not wanting us to sit in silence. With Seth, I usually had to go first. I would've asked him if he'd done the assignment, but I already knew he hadn't. He never did.

"You talked to Banner today, then?" Seth confirmed, and I nodded glumly.

I really hadn't wanted to talk to him, but something had to give, and at some point when I wasn't paying attention, my priorities had shifted. I had my other class work and therapy homework every week and astronomy club and hanging out with Angela, Kate and Ben and trying to exercise regularly and take care of myself and Edward _and _it was all just _too much_.

I had to tell Banner that I just didn't have time to do extra credit assignments anymore. My last essay for him had really sucked. Actually, all my class work was being affected by my not spending all my time studying anymore.

"Yeah, I talked to him. He said that I should consider whether I want to do a masters' degree and that the extra assignments would look good on my application. He's right, but…I can't handle it all. I had to give up something." Banner had been disappointed – or at least that's the way it had seemed in my head –and I'd felt small, useless.

"It's not like you're dropping out of college. It was _extra_ work," Seth kind of snapped at me.

"Yeah, I know." I'd already talked to Edward about this and I knew it was the right decision, but…"School is… it's the _one_ thing I'm good at." For a long time, I'd thought of getting the best grades as my sole redeeming quality. And now… It felt like I'd shredded a part of myself – a really important part, like my right arm or something. The _only_ part I'd actually kind of _liked_, and for what?

_What if Angela and I drift apart? What if Edward and I don't work out?_

Once you get an "A," it's yours forever; this other stuff was so risky.

"It was the _one_ thing I _knew_ _for sure _that_… _my parents…" I didn't know why, but thinking about my parents' opinion of me always made my throat kind of seize up.

"That your parents are proud of," he finished my sentence for me, this time not unkindly.

"Yeah," I confirmed unnecessarily. _It was the right decision for me, though._

"Yeah, me too," Seth said, staring ahead at the water.

"Why was your day lousy?" I tried. Sometimes he'd actually share something in return. Not often, but sometimes.

Not today. He just shrugged, so we sat in silence.

The more Seth and I bumped into each other, the less I cared about the "no socializing" rule. I decided that since I couldn't describe us as friends, and since we didn't talk before therapy or disrupt the group, we weren't breaking Elizabeth's rules.

Seth didn't care at all. Actually, he seemed to _enjoy_ ignoring Elizabeth. He was constantly ranting about how stupid some of her exercises were and how condescending she could be. I didn't agree with most of his rants (though sometimes I did), but could see that he needed someone to vent to. Better he say it all to me, than leave it inside to fester. Besides, I figured a little rule-bending wouldn't be an altogether terrible "opportunity" for me.

We had a weird set-up going. Talking to him was really easy sometimes because he understood what life was like for me. He didn't have the exact same issues, but he understood the depression, the doubt. We had _a lot_ in common. Unfortunately, this made our "friendship" rather odd because twenty-eight percent of the time, I kind of hated him. It felt really effortless to be around him because I didn't have to constantly explain myself, but at the same time he reminded me of all the things I hated about myself. I guess at some point, there were just one too many "me-toos."

He didn't say anything for a while and I wasn't feeling very talkative either. It was getting late though, and I still had an errand to run. "I should probably get going, I'm sorry. I'm planning on making pasta tonight and I need to go find this special sauce."

Edward's new favorite – the "nice" pasta - was this flat pasta with a special smooth cream sauce. I hadn't been able to find it last week, but hoped I'd get lucky today since he'd specifically asked for it.

"So you're going to the store? I need some milk. Can I come with?"

I nodded and we walked to the store quietly. I smiled and said "Hi" to a girl I knew from astronomy club who was just leaving as we wandered in.

Officially, I'd introduced Seth as someone I knew from an old class whenever I'd bump into anyone while he was with me.

Initially, I'd told Edward the same thing (having promised in therapy not to tell anyone outside the group how we knew each other). Once it became apparent that our weird bump-into-each-other thing would be a semi-regular occurrence, however, I'd wanted to tell Edward the truth.

It was technically against the rules, but I didn't want to create the same mess that happened when I'd first started talking to Angela, with Edward worrying needlessly, so I told him. He would never tell anyone else and besides, I got the feeling that he'd already figured it out for himself. I still had "secrets"– things I'd learned in therapy or that Seth had shared with me that just weren't mine to pass on to anyone else – but I tried to be as open with him as possible. Edward seemed fine with it, which I hoped meant that he trusted me.

I'd also stopped calling him Edwin in front of Seth, mainly because now that we were sort of talking to each other, Edward's name would inevitably come up a lot more in conversation.

Seth mainly followed me around the store in silence, hands shoved in his pockets, one earphone still attached. It was becoming obvious that he was in an especially dark mood. He rejected all my attempts at restarting the conversation, looking thoroughly uninterested. I tried to think of a way to cheer him up, but knew my efforts would be futile unless and until he _let me_ cheer him up.

"Can you see it anywhere?" I asked, after briefly describing the jar.

"Um..." He looked around, almost looking a little helpless, before he finally reached into his bag and extracted a pair of glasses. He put them on so cautiously, I half-expected them to explode.

"New glasses," I stated the obvious stupidly, and he nodded.

_Ah_. I guess this was why he was in such a bad mood. He finally got glasses.

I didn't have to ask, because he'd already told me how much he was dreading getting them. He knew that it was stupid to get so upset – it was just bad eyesight – but he'd said it seemed kind of like…confirmation. That he couldn't really see anything around him, that it was all slowly slipping away.

I could understand. If he already felt like the people around him were unreachable, not even being able to _see _them properly would probably seem symbolic or something.

"They suit you; they make you look really smart. They look good," I tried.

"Thank you, _Elizabeth._" He didn't believe me; surprise, surprise. I wasn't lying though. The glasses really did suit him. "Here's your stupid sauce," he grumbled, shoving a jar into my hands.

"This isn't the right one."

"Who gives a fuck? They're all the same!"

"Edward does." The guy was actually kind of picky about certain foods. He only liked the smooth pasta sauce; cucumber tasted better when it was cut into strips, not circles; he liked white bread over brown, etc. It was cute except for the times when it was kind of annoying.

"Just let him fuck you. Then I bet he won't care what sauce you use."

_Man, he was irritable today! _ I couldn't stop my blush, but did manage to partially ignore him. He occasionally made comments like this. I was pretty sure that some percentage of the time, he kind of hated me too.

I didn't think it was because he was jealous of Edward, though. I got the feeling that he was jealous of _both of us_. Of anyone in almost any kind of significant relationship.

And _that_ I understood.

"Found it!" I announced happily, grabbing two jars from the shelf.

"He's lucky. You're lucky," he mumbled.

"I'm very lucky," I agreed. "You're lucky too."

"Yeah, right."

"No, seriously. In a way, you're really lucky because you don't have to wonder-"

"Wonder about what?"

"Whether you could've done all of this on your own." He didn't have to wonder whether any of this would have happened if he hadn't run into a guy in the library. "You _know_ you achieved all this by yourself, for yourself."

I liked to think I would've eventually made some changes too, boyfriend or no boyfriend. I wanted/needed to believe that it would just have taken me longer.

"That _might_ be true, if I'd actually achieved anything," he said, shaking his head and laughing to himself. "I guess we can't all be teacher's pet like you, _Elizabeth_."

I bit my lip, trying to decide whether to say something or not. On the one hand, I didn't want to make a scene in the middle of the store (though there was hardly anyone around) and I knew he was in a shitty mood and that I shouldn't take what he was saying too personally. I did like the guy and one of the best things about us hanging out together was that we could be as nakedly miserable and moody as we wanted.

On the other hand, he was starting to piss me off and I really didn't feel like holding my tongue.

"Maybe if you actually _tried_ once in a while," I responded semi-calmly, trying to keep my voice low.

"I have tried."

"No you haven't! You don't do the homework; you don't participate in any of the discussions. How do you expect it to work, when you won't _try_?" I whisper-shouted. Watching him just sit there every week and then rant about how it was all stupid was so _frustrating_.

"I have tried! This isn't my first time, Bella. I've been in therapy for _years_. I've done _all_ their stupid exercises before - Elizabeth's, plus three other therapists'. I've repeated their shitty mottos, but it just doesn't fucking work! I'm too stupid. Even when it's spelled out for me on a paint-by-numbers worksheet, I just don't get it," he said, raising his voice without concern over our very public location.

I wasn't particularly concerned about it now either.

"It doesn't work for me. But everyone else - they - _you_ - waltz in and a couple of weeks later, you're all magically cured."

I was hardly "cured," whatever that was supposed to mean. I wasn't exactly Miss Popular. I had four real friends (Edward, Angela and possibly Kate and Ben - and _maybe_ Jake too) and my big achievement was…well, Seth had said it, I guess – letting my boyfriend fuck me.

If _that _is what passed for magic these days, then magic was seriously overrated.

Well, okay, I'd achieved a little more than that, but still…it wasn't _magic. _

"Seth-" I tried, but he cut me off.

"So if it works for you guys but not for me, obviously the problem is _me_. The problem was me years ago, and it's still me. So please, _Elizabeth_, if all you're gonna do is lecture me about trying, then shut the fuck up and leave me alone!" he snapped and walked off and out of the store, leaving me in a weird state of shock.

_Um…_

Since I didn't know what else to do, I paid for my purchases quietly and walked out of the store, my mind still shockingly blank.

I froze mid-step when I saw Seth outside, sitting on the sidewalk. He was very deliberately not looking at me.

And then he did look at me.

Of their own volition, my legs carried me to him and I sat down next to him. He immediately looked away.

For a long time, the only sound was the jars of pasta sauce clinking together. It seemed to dance around us, refusing to fade out.

We both stayed quiet, staring straight ahead. Seth always won this game, though, so naturally I broke first. "Are you sure you've tried? Like a hundred-percent, honest-to-God tried?" I asked quietly.

He finally met my eyes and whispered, "Yes." It sounded like a reluctant confession of something sinful, shameful, and I knew he was telling the truth.

"And it hasn't helped?"

"No."

I stared into his sad eyes and just blurted out the first thing that came to mind. "If you're sure you've tried this and it hasn't worked for you…well, then… maybe… _try something else_?"


End file.
